Tonight we watched a movie together called "Perfect Strangers". Afterwards, we were both a bit blown away by it. We agreed it was the best movie we both had seen in months. Without wanting to give away too much, I will lift a tip of the veil and tell you what it is about:
3 married couples and 1 friend who just started dating someone get together for a dinner. One of the wives suggests it would be a nice game to put all the cellphones out on the open on the table. Every incoming text, call or e-mail is read and answered out loud. After all, they don't have secrets for each other, right?
Wrong.
The movie put me to thinking. Do we all have our dirty little secrets? Things we prefer not to tell our partner? It can be the "smaller" things like seeing a therapist without your partner knowing. Or the biggest things, like screwing your partner's best friend. How well do we know each other really? And should our phone really be off-limits for our partners if we have nothing to hide?
I believe that in a healthy relationship both partners should be able to put their phones on the table every night, and whenever a phone receives a notification of something, both partners should be able to watch. No secrecy, no my-phone-my-privacy. In my opinion, a respectful relationship is all about transparency. It doesn't mean you should check your partner's phone every minute, but it's about knowing that you can.
After all, there's nothing more scary than living with your partner for a while, and then discovering that you don't know that person so well after all...
If he/she is the one you want to spend your life with, you should also be sharing all of it. Not just parts you want them to see. Sure, after many years of marriage/relationship I can imagine there is a certain routine. Falling in love with someone else can happen, it only makes you mortal. The thing is: how do you respond to it? You don't. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, you should worry about fertilizing your own grass.
There is no excuse for sending naked/explicit pictures to a random person on Facebook, or having an affair with a colleague because it's so fresh and exciting. No excuse for getting sexy pictures from a sexy friend or ex. You are responsible for your own actions. Only you. The choice is yours: Full Transparancy or Perfetti Sconosciuti?
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Monday, February 13, 2017
Monday, September 26, 2016
The fear to cheat
A funny title, right? The fear to cheat... Why would you be scared to cheat on someone? Just don't do it, it's as easy as that - right? But what if it isn't?
I read this article recently by a relationship therapist about cheating that put me to thinking again. The title was "Are you unfaithful when you kiss someone else?"
Description article:
Infidelity is described as a term that covers many things. From the once-in-a-lifetime drunken kiss with a colleague to the years long secret affair. A world of difference, also when it comes to impact on the partner and the relationship.
Apparently some people are bound to cheat "easier" than others. On average 1 out of 3 people cheat. Wow. That is a lot! Even though the biggest group makes the consideration: I might feel something for this person and he/she is attractive but I will resist the temptation. Because I have a partner to whom I promised to stay faithful to. Or because there are children who assume mom and dad are a team and there will not be a 3rd person.
But what struck me the most was what makes a person go overboard. It depends on the relationship you are in obviously and if you are happy with it. But also - and even more - of your emotional functioning. The things you saw and learned at home, your self-confidence and self image, your previous relationship experiences. If you, for instance have a low self image and you don't find enough attention and confirmation in your relationship, you are more susceptible to adultery. Because yes, of course your ego gets an enormous boost of this new fling who puts you on a pedestal. For some people this pattern can even show some pathological symptoms, in the sense that they always need a new conquest to experience the same feeling. It's a well that never gets filled, a form of separation anxiety: you want the appreciation of your partner so much that it is never enough and you seek it elsewhere all the time.
Conclusion of the article: adultry is destructive. Relationships start from a romantic love ideal, with exclusivity as the most important condition. 1 to 1 relationships Ensure a bond that is fulfilling, unique and safe. But not everyone was given an equal "equipment" to maintain this exclusivity and loyalty. It's not a judgement, but a fact.
Link to article here
After reading this article I felt a bit nauseous. I know I was not given the right equipment to start with, due to a childhood trauma and the divorce of my parents about 5 years ago. I also know that I need more attention than the average normal person in my relationship. But am I therefore more likely to cheat? I just became a little more scared with myself. This is not what I want to do or want to become. I want a happily ever after with 1 person...
I read this article recently by a relationship therapist about cheating that put me to thinking again. The title was "Are you unfaithful when you kiss someone else?"
Description article:
Infidelity is described as a term that covers many things. From the once-in-a-lifetime drunken kiss with a colleague to the years long secret affair. A world of difference, also when it comes to impact on the partner and the relationship.
Apparently some people are bound to cheat "easier" than others. On average 1 out of 3 people cheat. Wow. That is a lot! Even though the biggest group makes the consideration: I might feel something for this person and he/she is attractive but I will resist the temptation. Because I have a partner to whom I promised to stay faithful to. Or because there are children who assume mom and dad are a team and there will not be a 3rd person.
But what struck me the most was what makes a person go overboard. It depends on the relationship you are in obviously and if you are happy with it. But also - and even more - of your emotional functioning. The things you saw and learned at home, your self-confidence and self image, your previous relationship experiences. If you, for instance have a low self image and you don't find enough attention and confirmation in your relationship, you are more susceptible to adultery. Because yes, of course your ego gets an enormous boost of this new fling who puts you on a pedestal. For some people this pattern can even show some pathological symptoms, in the sense that they always need a new conquest to experience the same feeling. It's a well that never gets filled, a form of separation anxiety: you want the appreciation of your partner so much that it is never enough and you seek it elsewhere all the time.
Conclusion of the article: adultry is destructive. Relationships start from a romantic love ideal, with exclusivity as the most important condition. 1 to 1 relationships Ensure a bond that is fulfilling, unique and safe. But not everyone was given an equal "equipment" to maintain this exclusivity and loyalty. It's not a judgement, but a fact.
Link to article here
After reading this article I felt a bit nauseous. I know I was not given the right equipment to start with, due to a childhood trauma and the divorce of my parents about 5 years ago. I also know that I need more attention than the average normal person in my relationship. But am I therefore more likely to cheat? I just became a little more scared with myself. This is not what I want to do or want to become. I want a happily ever after with 1 person...
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