Thursday, July 13, 2017

Separation anxiety – Follow-up Part 1

When I look back on previous writings now, I am surprised by the progress I have made since then. At the beginning, I was a scared, hurt little babybird: insecure, naïeve and with a broken wing. Today, I am a nearly full-grown Phoenix and wear my coloured wings with pride.

What changed?

I have a man that loves me, tells me this everyday and encourages me pursue my dreams. Take for example this blog. Ever since he knows about its existence, he has been encouraging me to write more, to develop this blog onto a platform.

What in me changed?

I felt loved, supported an encouraged. This boosted my confidence and feeling of self worth. I slowly started to feel more creative, empowered and calm as ever. For the first time in years, I was no longer scared of my boyfriend going out of town for a few days, because I knew he would come home to me.

What helped against the separation anxiety?

  • Consistency. Not hearing “I love you” one day, and “I have to think about it” the other.
  • Persistency. Some days I wouldn’t let him love me. I felt scared and insecure and acted immature. He always kept (and keeps) coming back to me to cuddle. Even when I push(ed) him away.
  • Patience. Quite the opposite, but what I mean is that he treats me with satin gloves and his everlasting patience. Never did he ever snap at me or made a hurtful sarcastic comment with hurtful intentions. I asked him once how he is able to stay so sweet, even when I am a bitch. “I just remind myself how much I love you again and that this moment will pass”.
  • Attention. The last but definitely not the least. I would say this is even one of the most important ones. I need a lot of attention. Hell, I love attention. (From my boyfriend – not when I have to give a presentation at work). When I ask for attention: he gives it to me. Read well: he’s still a man. So unless you ask for it, you won’t get it. Lucky for me, he is also very cuddly and sweet, so when I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I needed a lot of attention, it was not a difficult task for him at all.

What doesn’t help?

Repeatedly “joking”. Everyone has some insecurities. So do I. I don’t like my upper legs because I think they are too heavy. I also wish my boobs were a size bigger. My 2nd toe is larger than my big toe and I don’t like how it looks. I hate my chin because it sticks out too much. I would not have minded having blue or green eyes. – Ok, for the rest, I feel pretty good about myself. But if you know I feel insecure, don’t go call me a fat whale every time we are teasing each other. Ok, you may mean no harm and we are just joking around but after 5 times I start to feel insecure.

Well, that was the follow-up part 1! To be continued.

Monday, May 29, 2017

I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted,
and my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much,
I love you

It's only a part of a beautiful song, but it reminds me so much about my Vittorio. Today, this blog makes me smile. There used to be very different times... I'm still scared or insecure at times, but it's really getting easier and easier for me. In about 1,5 months Vitto and me will have met 2 years ago in Italy. It's so incredible to see how much I have grown personally since then. Hands down, he is the most amazing person I've ever been with.

We haven't had a single fight so far (touch wood) - mainly thanks to his amazing patience. I know how stubborn I can act for stupid little things. I asked him last week how and mostly why he is the one that still keeps coming back to hug and kiss me, even when I'm the one overreacting.

He replied: well, I just remind myself that you are my Principessa and that I love you too much to make a thing of it.

This made me choke up. 

Every time I act up he still has this everlasting patience to reach out to make me smile and feel loved. Even when I don't deserve it. And he will say that I do.

I have never felt so loved and cherished in a relationship before. My anxiety is really dropping and this is really the greatest gift he could give me (besides a wedding ring and children, of course ;-) ). It's unbelievable what a difference a good relationship can make.

Our power is that we give each other space and time to develop ourselves whilst also making sure we stay entwined together. This year already we have been to Florence and just returned from a Festival trip with friends to Croatia (with extra stops in Vienna, Ljubljana and Graz. On the planning: Canary Islands, a long weekend in Porreta Terme (where we met) and a week in Taormina (with his parents). We make sure to spend quality time together (I'm like an eagle guarding his work-life balance). And I feel it's this that is making it so much easier for me to have faith and trust.

Also now: we came back from Croatia and he had to stay at the airport to fly to Italy for work again for a week. I was scared I would be very upset and sad about it. But here I am, on our couch, feeling nothing but grateful for this wonderful person in my life. I know we have to part sometimes but I also know we will come back together.

In the airplane today I was just staring at him and I thought: god, I love you so much. Look at that cute, slightly tanned face with the little, sexy beard. And his full, rosy and incredibly good kissing lips. And the cherry on the cake: his eyes. greyishly blue/green with a hint of yellow in the middle. He's a treasure. And I'm cherishing him so much!



Friday, May 19, 2017

Random images

I have to pick up writing again soon - and I will! I feel soon I will write a more elaborate post about how I'm doing. For now, I have some images to share:

Sunday, March 26, 2017


It's sunday again, and after having a nice weekend with our Bulgarian friends Boni, I am sitting alone on the couch again.

My Principe is yet again in Italy for 5 days. The moment he had to leave our friends were still here, so the goodbye was not as intense as i'd like it to be, but ok.

I had some errands to run, like getting a new bike lock for Vittorio, and buy some cleaning stuff. Walking towards the bike shop, I texted Vittorio that beautiful days were just not that beautiful without him. 

After that, I went to Blokker to get the cleaning stuff. When I was walking around there, there was a dutch song playing on the radio that drew my attention. I never heard it before, but it was a woman singing that she loved it when here boyfriend left for a while because she loved missing him. 

I just googled it, and it's these lyrics:

"I love to miss you
it's ok when you go
because I love to miss you.
It's ok when you go,
because when you go,
I remember again how good it is
that you exist"

This song really turned my mood around again. Yes! That is the spirit. It's good that I miss him, because it makes me realise how good our relationship is and how happy he makes me.
I am grateful for everything he has brought into my life.
His positive energy, his can-do mentality, his neverending patience with my insecurity, the opportunity to travel a lot more, reading a lot more, enjoying a lot more.

Yesterday at brouwerij 't IJ he was running his fingers through my hair and carressing my neck and telling me every hour how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. How lucky he felt with me, how happy I make him. Ok he was tipsy, but I like to believe that this is when people speak the truth :-)

And now I'm sitting here on the couch, feeling nothing but extremely grateful to have found this amazing man. He is not only my lover, but also my best friend and my rock. 

It's funny, because when I go out now, of course I see goodlooking men. And I still get hit on quite often. But everytime I think: yeah, he's cute but he's not Vittorio. The packaging may look appealing but my man is the full package. The inside and outside is perfect for me. 

Gratitude. That is what I wanted to share today.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Are you there for me?

What is seperation anxiety?

It's an unrest, an overwhelming panic sometimes, that people experience everytime they have the feeling that the other is not or not enough there for them or when they think someone else is threatening their relationship. It has its roots very often already in childhood, where parents were too caring, protecting or pampering. This caused the children not to learn how to be emotionally independent and that it is perceived as something threatening. Or parents were not available or inconsistenly. Children then try to get the attention by acting anxious, clingly, pretending to be ill or incompetent; searching for a lot of physical proximity to get the attention of the parents. Loss experiences can also lead to separation anxiety attachment behavior: the premature death of father or mother, precarious or stressful life situations.

"I can't do this alone"
People with seperation anxiety often have a low self-esteem: they are convinced they can't make it alone, that they are lost without the other one. They are also convinced the other doesn't really value them, experiences them as weak and uninteresting, causing their fear to be abandoned to increase.

Never leave me
In love you have 2 types of anxious attached: those are scared of not getting enough love, attention and confirmation and those who are mainly scared of being left. The first don't fall in love easily - as they are insecure about their judging capacities and therefore of a life partner. They are looking for security, clarity and want it before they show their vulnerabilities.  The other has to make a great effort to convince them of their good intentions. Ironically, contrary to what they desire, they often find themselves to be "professional hunters": men or women who think the chase is better than the catch. Which naturally makes for what they wanted to avoid: open up to someone who then dumps them anyway.

The second group usually dives in fast - too fast. They feel butterflies in their stomach every 5 minutes - they are up for it immediately. They tend to get very personal very fast - showering the other party with attention and gifts. They won't let go of the other one anymore and will also insist on a future with two very soon.

The faces of separation anxiety
This anxiety has many facets. It's pretty much impossible to make a list of all appearances, but these are the most common:

  • Is very admiring, confirming in the first contact and will devaluate herself
  • Is dependant
  • Chronically activated adhesive system causing them to feel often in a relationship like their needs are not being fulfilled.
  • Looking for fusion, symbiosis in a relationship and for that reason are extremlely likely to adapt
  • Have difficulties accepting differences in a relationship -they want the other person to be like themselves as much as possible
  • Have difficulties ending a relationship, even if it's going really bad, just because they are scared of ending up alone.
  • Often thinks the worst of situations
  • Worries about relationships in general
  • Often has the feeling of having no control over things
  • Is often overwhelmed by the feeling of anxiety
  • Provokes conflicts to get attention
  • Can act very dominant to get controle over the relationship and the other
  • Can be very attentive, loving and caring but also their they can be too intense.

Seperation anxiety is onfortunately without a remedy. It's a way of looking at yourself, the other and the relationship and experiencing this as "the truth", as how it is.

I did not write this article myself, I copied it from Rika Ponnet's blog (in dutch) because I recognise myself so deeply in the underlined things.

Unfortunately knowing this about myself doesn't mean I can turn it around. It's like the article says: in the moment itself it is my truth, how I perceive it to be. Give me time to cool down or calm me down by talking to me about it but don't tell me i'm imagining things or that it's not true. I won't believe you.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Thai Massages

On a good day, maybe I would be ok with it. Maybe.

But yesterday, I was really tired from the long trip, irritable from a short night and not a lot of sleep and I could not deal with it.

Let me explain:
I spent the weekend in Belgium to celebrate an old colleague's birthday and see some friends. For the first time, I would come back on Sunday by car. Saturday was Carnaval in my hometown, and my colleague wanted to go there to celebrate - so we did. It was so much fun, that I was only in bed at 4.30. The day after, I was up again at 9.

Around 16h, I started my journey by car to Amsterdam. It went pretty well - the road was easy but boring (all straight ahead). Some nice music on, sun on my head: I was happy. One hour later I was yawning like there was no tomorrow. I needed energy. Badly. So I stopped at the first gas station to get an energy drink and some bubblegum. After resting 10 min, I continued my trip. I arrived at Weesp around 18.45, took the train to Muiderpoort and then the tram home, Eventually I arrived at 20.05.

My lovely amore had prepared bruschetta's for us and some tapas for dinner. So sweet to have everything ready by the time I came home! He knew I was tired and probably starving. We catched up during dinner about our weekends and exchanged some kisses.

"I had a Thai massage"

- By who, when and why, I joked back.

"Yesterday, by Silvia" 


 My stomach started aching.

- Why?

"Because she told me she just got certified to give Thai Massages and I told her about my shoulder"

I can't recall the exact conversation, so I won't try to copy paste it here to avoid putting it wrong, It didn't last long because I got up from the table to cool off and unpack my bags in the meantime.

Vittorio came after me to talk about it. He gave me a guilty face and hit himself on the hand, but at that point I could not laugh at all. I shared with him so many times my insecurity about his ex, about their 10y history, everything they shared. And knowing my history, that I've been cheated on not once, but even twice and how bad it scarred me. It's not that I don't trust him, because I do. But I have every reason in the world not to trust an ex. And a massage? That's a pretty intimate thing to get from your ex.

I tried to explain to him why I'm not okay with this, but I'm not sure I was able to convey the message very well. To him it might seem like not a big deal at all.But to me, it feels like a form of disrespect towards me. If you know my past and how I feel about your ex - please consider what it will do to me if you tell me she gave you a massage.

"I had two options, to tell you or not and I chose to tell you"

This emphasises that he realised very well that I would not be happy to hear this at all.

I went to bed thinking about this and woke up thinking about it again.

On a good day, maybe I would be ok with it. Maybe. But not today.