Watching Grey's Anatomy is making me a wreck. I seriously cry like a baby when watching some of the episodes. But I also think about a lot of the quotes that are being used in there. I am now at season 5 and Dr. Callie Torres was talking about her past relationships and what they did to her as a person.
She used to walk around tall at the hospital floor. Then came George and he took off an inch. Erica shaved off a few more. The humiliation makes you shorter. She is scared of another personal failure, because it would cut her off at the knees.
This put me to thinking about my past relationships. A lot of them also cut off a few inches.
My first serious relationship I was 16 and my boyfriend 21. His mother did not approve of the relationship (I can't really blame her). We split up after a year, also because of the pressure of the family and the secrecy. After that, I got together with a guy who lived at the other side of the country. After a year I found out he used every opportunity he got to cheat on me. Bam, an inch. A few years later and fast-forward to 3,5 years ago I was with someone who constantly put me down. The mental damage here was enorm. Bam, another inch. and then came Redlef, who definitely took off 2 inches. I have never felt so small in my life.
Fast forward to today: I am standing taller than ever, walking around proudly and self-confident. I have a man that loves me, supports me and is there to catch me when I fall. Because that is what love does: it builds you up. Don't be afraid to lose an inch again. Take the leap of faith. You might grow taller than you ever were.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Eye-openers
I have the feeling that I have grown up so much in the past year. I have become so much calmer and kinder to myself. And even though I should not tell him, I believe a lot of credit belongs to my amazing Vittorio.
I am reading a book now with the very nice title "the ideal woman is a bitch". It describes the difference between a (too) nice woman and how she is treated by men and a self-respecting woman (the so called bitch). The first one will do everything she can to please her crush/man causing him to lose all intrest pretty soon because there is no more hunt in it for him. The second category or the bitch doesn't wait around for a man. Her selfrespect is too big for this. She will not jump for him and this makes him want her even more.
I realised that I was always more of a type 1 woman. If I am in love and committed to someone, I tend to put that other person before me and my own happiness. It's not like I will do something entirely against my will, but I would be a bit of a push-over I think.
The book also opened my eyes for how men treat women. Example:
The difference between the spontanious guy who uses you when he can't think of anything better (will refer to him as 1.) and the spontanious guy who is crazy about you (will refer to him as 2.)
1. His best mates always come in 1st place
2. His friends are complaining and teasing that they never see him again but he doesn't care.
1. He makes plans for trips with his friends but never invites you.
2. He keeps asking if you can get some time off so you can do stuff together
1. He calls to cancel plans for the same night. Later you call him back and you get his voicemail. The next day he calls you with a lame excuse.
2. If he has to cancel on you, he truly feels bad. He calls you as soon as he gets back from where he had to go because he has nothing to hide and wants you to know this.
1. He almost never takes you out and when he does it can surely not cost too much money. Maybe he will even ask you for a loan. Before you know it, you will be paying for his studies.
2. He will do everything to see you smile.
1. You let him know you have 1 free evening in the weekend. And even though he worked the entire week, he doesn't make himself available for you.
2. He almost always comes when you are available, unless he is away for his job or other important stuff.
Number 1 was Redlef in the end. Number 2 is Vittorio.
A huge difference. But why did you put up with that, you might ask.
At that time I still was that too nice person. I have been through so much and I just wanted to be loved and taken care of. In the beginning, he did. But after 4 months it started changing.
Not with Vittorio. He is consisent in everything he does. Now that we live together, every morning he kisses me after he silenced his alarm clock. And when he leaves for work, he comes back for another kiss and to wish me a good day at work.
After more than a year of being together, he is still the same sweetheart and he keeps surprising me with how nice he treats me. Complimenting me every day, making me feel special. The relationship with Redlef was an eye-opener that I deserve so much better. And look... I immediately got the very best.
xoxo
I am reading a book now with the very nice title "the ideal woman is a bitch". It describes the difference between a (too) nice woman and how she is treated by men and a self-respecting woman (the so called bitch). The first one will do everything she can to please her crush/man causing him to lose all intrest pretty soon because there is no more hunt in it for him. The second category or the bitch doesn't wait around for a man. Her selfrespect is too big for this. She will not jump for him and this makes him want her even more.
I realised that I was always more of a type 1 woman. If I am in love and committed to someone, I tend to put that other person before me and my own happiness. It's not like I will do something entirely against my will, but I would be a bit of a push-over I think.
The book also opened my eyes for how men treat women. Example:
The difference between the spontanious guy who uses you when he can't think of anything better (will refer to him as 1.) and the spontanious guy who is crazy about you (will refer to him as 2.)
1. His best mates always come in 1st place
2. His friends are complaining and teasing that they never see him again but he doesn't care.
1. He makes plans for trips with his friends but never invites you.
2. He keeps asking if you can get some time off so you can do stuff together
1. He calls to cancel plans for the same night. Later you call him back and you get his voicemail. The next day he calls you with a lame excuse.
2. If he has to cancel on you, he truly feels bad. He calls you as soon as he gets back from where he had to go because he has nothing to hide and wants you to know this.
1. He almost never takes you out and when he does it can surely not cost too much money. Maybe he will even ask you for a loan. Before you know it, you will be paying for his studies.
2. He will do everything to see you smile.
1. You let him know you have 1 free evening in the weekend. And even though he worked the entire week, he doesn't make himself available for you.
2. He almost always comes when you are available, unless he is away for his job or other important stuff.
Number 1 was Redlef in the end. Number 2 is Vittorio.
A huge difference. But why did you put up with that, you might ask.
At that time I still was that too nice person. I have been through so much and I just wanted to be loved and taken care of. In the beginning, he did. But after 4 months it started changing.
Not with Vittorio. He is consisent in everything he does. Now that we live together, every morning he kisses me after he silenced his alarm clock. And when he leaves for work, he comes back for another kiss and to wish me a good day at work.
After more than a year of being together, he is still the same sweetheart and he keeps surprising me with how nice he treats me. Complimenting me every day, making me feel special. The relationship with Redlef was an eye-opener that I deserve so much better. And look... I immediately got the very best.
xoxo
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Almost 1 year
In 9 days Vitto and I will officially be together for 1 year.
And every day I love him more. I was afraid for the living together part, that it would cause us to be irritated by each other. I know myself, I need a looot of attention and affection, but he is so amazing. I don't even have to ask for it, he comes to me automatically to snuggle.
He constantly cuddles and kisses me and really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. We have so much fun together, or can just be quiet together. We enjoy the moments together but also appreciate the times we spend apart. For instance, now Vittiorio is at the cinema with some friends to a movie I was not very interested in :-)
Of course I am far from a relationship expert, but here are some tips I can give from my personal experience when you just started living together:
#1 Give each other space
Sure, you are living together, but it doesn't mean you should do everything together. Vittorio goes to kickboxing twice a week and on those days I have to keep myself busy. It's good to find your own hobby. Go to yoga, take cooking classes, learn a new language... I decided to participate in the bootcamp lessons that are offered after my working hours at the office.
#2 Go to bed around the same hour
I think it's important for a couple to have at least a few days when they go to bed at the same time. Not just to have sex, but it's a part of a certain intimacy to share the evening ritual. A bit of snuggling before going to bed works miracles for your bonding. For me it's also good to improve my sleeping routine. I used to go to bed around 23 - 23.30. Now with Vitto, we go to bed around 22.30. We read a bit, cuddle a bit and around 23h we go to sleep.
#3 Have "Date nights"
You might think here: but we already see each other every day, isn't every night date night?
Sure. We come home from work, put on our relax clothes, cook, eat and drop ourselves on the couch.
As perfect as those week days are like that, you need to keep the spark alive in the weekend. Go to dinner and a movie. Or go to the early movie at 5, then come home and cook together and go out again. We did it yesterday (the last option). After the cooking, I changed, put on some make-up and we went to a bar with live music. We had some drinks, did some shots and enjoyed the good music.
#4 Don't sweat the small stuff
Your boyfriend doesn't put his dirty socks in the laundry basket? Or always keeps the cap of the toothpaste lingering around? Or something else that annoys you and caused you to snap at him? In the end, it's easier and less effort if you just do it yourself. In my opinion, it's not worth it getting worked up about these unsignificant things. He has his flaws, so do I. I look past his, and hope he also looks past mine. The thing is: if you keep getting too annoyed by the little things, you risk no longer seeing the bigger picture. He might not throw his socks in the laundry, but he does bring you your coffee in the morning exactly how you like it.
#5 Communication is key
Talk to each other how it is going. Not in the accusing way "it is so annoying that" or "I hate it how", but make it sound positive: "it would make me feel better if you threw your socks into the laundry." or "I love it when you..."
Besides this, keep complimenting each other. How great they look in a certain shirt, the way you like their hair, their smile,... Remind not only them but also yourself why you are so crazy about them. Complimenting each other already comes a long way in building a strong relationship. Your partner will feel valued, appreciated, sexy, loved. Just with a few words.
Keep the love strong,
Claudia
And every day I love him more. I was afraid for the living together part, that it would cause us to be irritated by each other. I know myself, I need a looot of attention and affection, but he is so amazing. I don't even have to ask for it, he comes to me automatically to snuggle.
He constantly cuddles and kisses me and really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. We have so much fun together, or can just be quiet together. We enjoy the moments together but also appreciate the times we spend apart. For instance, now Vittiorio is at the cinema with some friends to a movie I was not very interested in :-)
Of course I am far from a relationship expert, but here are some tips I can give from my personal experience when you just started living together:
#1 Give each other space
Sure, you are living together, but it doesn't mean you should do everything together. Vittorio goes to kickboxing twice a week and on those days I have to keep myself busy. It's good to find your own hobby. Go to yoga, take cooking classes, learn a new language... I decided to participate in the bootcamp lessons that are offered after my working hours at the office.
#2 Go to bed around the same hour
I think it's important for a couple to have at least a few days when they go to bed at the same time. Not just to have sex, but it's a part of a certain intimacy to share the evening ritual. A bit of snuggling before going to bed works miracles for your bonding. For me it's also good to improve my sleeping routine. I used to go to bed around 23 - 23.30. Now with Vitto, we go to bed around 22.30. We read a bit, cuddle a bit and around 23h we go to sleep.
#3 Have "Date nights"
You might think here: but we already see each other every day, isn't every night date night?
Sure. We come home from work, put on our relax clothes, cook, eat and drop ourselves on the couch.
As perfect as those week days are like that, you need to keep the spark alive in the weekend. Go to dinner and a movie. Or go to the early movie at 5, then come home and cook together and go out again. We did it yesterday (the last option). After the cooking, I changed, put on some make-up and we went to a bar with live music. We had some drinks, did some shots and enjoyed the good music.
#4 Don't sweat the small stuff
Your boyfriend doesn't put his dirty socks in the laundry basket? Or always keeps the cap of the toothpaste lingering around? Or something else that annoys you and caused you to snap at him? In the end, it's easier and less effort if you just do it yourself. In my opinion, it's not worth it getting worked up about these unsignificant things. He has his flaws, so do I. I look past his, and hope he also looks past mine. The thing is: if you keep getting too annoyed by the little things, you risk no longer seeing the bigger picture. He might not throw his socks in the laundry, but he does bring you your coffee in the morning exactly how you like it.
#5 Communication is key
Talk to each other how it is going. Not in the accusing way "it is so annoying that" or "I hate it how", but make it sound positive: "it would make me feel better if you threw your socks into the laundry." or "I love it when you..."
Besides this, keep complimenting each other. How great they look in a certain shirt, the way you like their hair, their smile,... Remind not only them but also yourself why you are so crazy about them. Complimenting each other already comes a long way in building a strong relationship. Your partner will feel valued, appreciated, sexy, loved. Just with a few words.
Keep the love strong,
Claudia
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Living together
After 1 month of neglecting my blog, I feel like I should pick this up again.
A lot has happened in this one month! I am writing this post sitting at the kitchen counter from my new home in Amsterdam! Yaaaay, we live together now!
I have to say, I haven't felt this calm in years. It feels like this is right where I am supposed to be.
My first week in Amsterdam was about 2 weeks ago - Vittorio was in Italy at that time. Friends and family asked me: oooh, are you not sad to spend your first week without him??
Before, I was. But when I arrived in Amsterdam at monday night I felt so at home immediately and I knew that Vittorio and I still had a lifetime together. The 1st week went by really fast and I had an amazing time at work meeting my new colleagues and getting to know them.
Here I am, just started my 3rd week already at Travix and I am learning so much every day!
I am so happy I took this leap of faith and decided to give up my 'old' life for Amsterdam.
The only thing that makes me very sad is knowing that my grandmother misses me a lot.
The 2nd evening in Amsterdam we were calling and she bursted into tears. That it was so hard without me. That she was used to having me around. My heart broke into a thousand pieces then.
If I could teleport to her at that moment, I would have done it. I miss her so much...
But on the other hand, I also realise it is time for me to spread my own wings. If I didn't do this, I might have risked to lose Vittorio or to have grown apart. Living with him is just so easy...
He is quite tidy for male standards (puts his clothes in the laundry, doesn't have dirty socks or underwear lying around, he puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, takes out the trash...).
Really, I have nothing to complain about. If he can play an hour of Tank Wars a day, he is a happy guy. And who am I to keep this from him?
My goal in life is to be happy. It is as simple as that. I don't need piles of money, a house in the caribbean or a fancy car. Ok easy for me to say with a boyfriend who has an appartment in one of the fanciest streets of Amsterdam :-P . But it's true. If we had lived in a tiny house at the border of Amsterdam, I would have been equally happy. He is a big part of my happiness. Maybe it's lame to let 1 person determine your happiness so much, but it's just how I am. I want to make him happy. By keeping his/our appartment clean. By ironing his shirts - even if he tells me it's not necessary to iron them. By buying him chocolate cupcakes since I know he likes them so much. By rubbing my hands through his hair and give him a little head massage. By spooning him in bed at night when he doesn't expect it. By putting up his favourite movie posters on our appartment wall.
At this point, I cannot imagine that we will fight. But of course I know this is inevitable. And I am afraid to grow apart. I have heard it too many times that couple grow apart and the love is gone.
But ok: happy thoughts. Now we are happy and this is what matters!
Buonanotte! xxx
A lot has happened in this one month! I am writing this post sitting at the kitchen counter from my new home in Amsterdam! Yaaaay, we live together now!
I have to say, I haven't felt this calm in years. It feels like this is right where I am supposed to be.
My first week in Amsterdam was about 2 weeks ago - Vittorio was in Italy at that time. Friends and family asked me: oooh, are you not sad to spend your first week without him??
Before, I was. But when I arrived in Amsterdam at monday night I felt so at home immediately and I knew that Vittorio and I still had a lifetime together. The 1st week went by really fast and I had an amazing time at work meeting my new colleagues and getting to know them.
Here I am, just started my 3rd week already at Travix and I am learning so much every day!
I am so happy I took this leap of faith and decided to give up my 'old' life for Amsterdam.
The only thing that makes me very sad is knowing that my grandmother misses me a lot.
The 2nd evening in Amsterdam we were calling and she bursted into tears. That it was so hard without me. That she was used to having me around. My heart broke into a thousand pieces then.
If I could teleport to her at that moment, I would have done it. I miss her so much...
But on the other hand, I also realise it is time for me to spread my own wings. If I didn't do this, I might have risked to lose Vittorio or to have grown apart. Living with him is just so easy...
He is quite tidy for male standards (puts his clothes in the laundry, doesn't have dirty socks or underwear lying around, he puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, takes out the trash...).
Really, I have nothing to complain about. If he can play an hour of Tank Wars a day, he is a happy guy. And who am I to keep this from him?
My goal in life is to be happy. It is as simple as that. I don't need piles of money, a house in the caribbean or a fancy car. Ok easy for me to say with a boyfriend who has an appartment in one of the fanciest streets of Amsterdam :-P . But it's true. If we had lived in a tiny house at the border of Amsterdam, I would have been equally happy. He is a big part of my happiness. Maybe it's lame to let 1 person determine your happiness so much, but it's just how I am. I want to make him happy. By keeping his/our appartment clean. By ironing his shirts - even if he tells me it's not necessary to iron them. By buying him chocolate cupcakes since I know he likes them so much. By rubbing my hands through his hair and give him a little head massage. By spooning him in bed at night when he doesn't expect it. By putting up his favourite movie posters on our appartment wall.
At this point, I cannot imagine that we will fight. But of course I know this is inevitable. And I am afraid to grow apart. I have heard it too many times that couple grow apart and the love is gone.
But ok: happy thoughts. Now we are happy and this is what matters!
Buonanotte! xxx
Monday, September 26, 2016
The fear to cheat
A funny title, right? The fear to cheat... Why would you be scared to cheat on someone? Just don't do it, it's as easy as that - right? But what if it isn't?
I read this article recently by a relationship therapist about cheating that put me to thinking again. The title was "Are you unfaithful when you kiss someone else?"
Description article:
Infidelity is described as a term that covers many things. From the once-in-a-lifetime drunken kiss with a colleague to the years long secret affair. A world of difference, also when it comes to impact on the partner and the relationship.
Apparently some people are bound to cheat "easier" than others. On average 1 out of 3 people cheat. Wow. That is a lot! Even though the biggest group makes the consideration: I might feel something for this person and he/she is attractive but I will resist the temptation. Because I have a partner to whom I promised to stay faithful to. Or because there are children who assume mom and dad are a team and there will not be a 3rd person.
But what struck me the most was what makes a person go overboard. It depends on the relationship you are in obviously and if you are happy with it. But also - and even more - of your emotional functioning. The things you saw and learned at home, your self-confidence and self image, your previous relationship experiences. If you, for instance have a low self image and you don't find enough attention and confirmation in your relationship, you are more susceptible to adultery. Because yes, of course your ego gets an enormous boost of this new fling who puts you on a pedestal. For some people this pattern can even show some pathological symptoms, in the sense that they always need a new conquest to experience the same feeling. It's a well that never gets filled, a form of separation anxiety: you want the appreciation of your partner so much that it is never enough and you seek it elsewhere all the time.
Conclusion of the article: adultry is destructive. Relationships start from a romantic love ideal, with exclusivity as the most important condition. 1 to 1 relationships Ensure a bond that is fulfilling, unique and safe. But not everyone was given an equal "equipment" to maintain this exclusivity and loyalty. It's not a judgement, but a fact.
Link to article here
After reading this article I felt a bit nauseous. I know I was not given the right equipment to start with, due to a childhood trauma and the divorce of my parents about 5 years ago. I also know that I need more attention than the average normal person in my relationship. But am I therefore more likely to cheat? I just became a little more scared with myself. This is not what I want to do or want to become. I want a happily ever after with 1 person...
I read this article recently by a relationship therapist about cheating that put me to thinking again. The title was "Are you unfaithful when you kiss someone else?"
Description article:
Infidelity is described as a term that covers many things. From the once-in-a-lifetime drunken kiss with a colleague to the years long secret affair. A world of difference, also when it comes to impact on the partner and the relationship.
Apparently some people are bound to cheat "easier" than others. On average 1 out of 3 people cheat. Wow. That is a lot! Even though the biggest group makes the consideration: I might feel something for this person and he/she is attractive but I will resist the temptation. Because I have a partner to whom I promised to stay faithful to. Or because there are children who assume mom and dad are a team and there will not be a 3rd person.
But what struck me the most was what makes a person go overboard. It depends on the relationship you are in obviously and if you are happy with it. But also - and even more - of your emotional functioning. The things you saw and learned at home, your self-confidence and self image, your previous relationship experiences. If you, for instance have a low self image and you don't find enough attention and confirmation in your relationship, you are more susceptible to adultery. Because yes, of course your ego gets an enormous boost of this new fling who puts you on a pedestal. For some people this pattern can even show some pathological symptoms, in the sense that they always need a new conquest to experience the same feeling. It's a well that never gets filled, a form of separation anxiety: you want the appreciation of your partner so much that it is never enough and you seek it elsewhere all the time.
Conclusion of the article: adultry is destructive. Relationships start from a romantic love ideal, with exclusivity as the most important condition. 1 to 1 relationships Ensure a bond that is fulfilling, unique and safe. But not everyone was given an equal "equipment" to maintain this exclusivity and loyalty. It's not a judgement, but a fact.
Link to article here
After reading this article I felt a bit nauseous. I know I was not given the right equipment to start with, due to a childhood trauma and the divorce of my parents about 5 years ago. I also know that I need more attention than the average normal person in my relationship. But am I therefore more likely to cheat? I just became a little more scared with myself. This is not what I want to do or want to become. I want a happily ever after with 1 person...
Monday, September 19, 2016
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Mind Reading
Here we are again. It's sunday night and after a lovely weekend with my boyfriend I am back at my appartment - alone. I don't feel particularly sad - just a bit emotional. Weekends go so much faster when we are together!
We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!
Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.
Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".
It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...
And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?
I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...
We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!
Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.
Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".
It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...
And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?
I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Major decision? Toss a coin
Recent research has shown that we value important life choices too much. We are too careful when it comes to changing our lives. Whether it's our relationship, our job or where we live: it doesn't happen that often that we give up our status quo for the unknown.
The research was done amongst 20.000 test persons who had to make a big decision in life. Instead of making a rational decision, they were asked to toss a coin and to have their decision based on heads or tails. 2 months later, they were asked what they had done and about 13% followed the result of the coin. These people were further questioned to determine what the 'random' effect of their choice was. For some of them, it involved a major decision related to their job, relationship or family. Other ones had to deal with minor choices like a new hair color or getting a tattoo.
After 6 months they were asked to evaluate their happiness. From the scores the contestants gave themselves, it turned out that especially the ones that made more dramatic life choices, were happier than before the experiment. They gave themselves on average 2 points more than before, on a scale of 1 to 10. Also their friends and family, who were involved in this test, confirmed this score. Especially the decision to end a relationship or to quit a job, turned out to have a lot of impact. Minor changes like a new hair color or a tattoo had a much smaller influence on the feelings of happiness of the test persons.
If you're torn apart between something new and the unknown: actually between doing something and doing nothing - then go for the adventure. The chances are pretty high it makes you happier.
The research was done amongst 20.000 test persons who had to make a big decision in life. Instead of making a rational decision, they were asked to toss a coin and to have their decision based on heads or tails. 2 months later, they were asked what they had done and about 13% followed the result of the coin. These people were further questioned to determine what the 'random' effect of their choice was. For some of them, it involved a major decision related to their job, relationship or family. Other ones had to deal with minor choices like a new hair color or getting a tattoo.
After 6 months they were asked to evaluate their happiness. From the scores the contestants gave themselves, it turned out that especially the ones that made more dramatic life choices, were happier than before the experiment. They gave themselves on average 2 points more than before, on a scale of 1 to 10. Also their friends and family, who were involved in this test, confirmed this score. Especially the decision to end a relationship or to quit a job, turned out to have a lot of impact. Minor changes like a new hair color or a tattoo had a much smaller influence on the feelings of happiness of the test persons.
If you're torn apart between something new and the unknown: actually between doing something and doing nothing - then go for the adventure. The chances are pretty high it makes you happier.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Terrified/Hopeful
"What if I fall?"
Oh, but my darling
what if you fly?
The last few days I've been feeling really restless.
It's really dawning on me that the time is getting shorter here.
In less than one month I will live in Amsterdam.
As everything is getting arranged now (the packing, selling my furniture, making appointments for their pick-up, having people over to watch the appartment) it's like I'm getting cold feet.
Yes, I still want to be with Vittorio.
and yes, I still want to move to Amsterdam.
But I'm so scared.
Scared of it going wrong. Scared that it will not work out.
Scared that we made this decision too soon. Scared that we are just not compatible.
Scared that I will just feel lonely. Scared that I will not get used to the city.
Scared that I will not like my new job. Scared that my new job will not like me.
I know there's a solution to everything. I can move back to Belgium if it doesn't work out. There's plenty of people who are willing to give me a temporary sleeping place. I can get another job if I don't like it or it doesn't like me. I can try some new hobbies to meet new people. Make Skype appointments with current friends and family.
It's just something that is so far out of my comfort zone.
But maybe it's the best decision of my life?
What if it exceeds everything I was even too afraid to dream?
What if we become this amazing couple that only needs half a word to understand each other?
What if we never fight and have sex every night?
What if I farted glitter?
Errr.. ok. Too far.
I didn't mean to make this post too emotional. But the thing is: it's probably somewhere in the middle. I'm sure we will have our fights and disagreements. I'm sure we are different in many areas but also alike in so many others. I'm sure that I am sociable enough to make new friends, even though it takes time. I can do this.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Emotional Relapse
The past few weeks, I was doing pretty well when it came to Emotional Stability. My emotions were under control, even when I was on my period (!). I learned to be more comfortable on my own, being alone and all by myself. I didn't really feel "on edge" or nervous anymore. Ok, I had my moments where I needed some attention but it was all pretty cool.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Life is like a camera
I came across this image on Facebook or Pinterest (don't remember) but I could not help to think how true it is. Life is a learning process. When you're young, you think you're so smart and know already everything. It's only later you realise that you really didn't.
You fell face down probably 10 times but got up again 11. Every time we take another shot, we learn something new. Reflecting back at my past relationships, I can say that I learned from each and every one of them. To be less naïve, to be less clingy, to be more independent, to express what I need more rather than to expect the other one to know.
My pictures were often blurry so I took many new shots. I captured the good times and developed so much throughout the years. Getting older also brings peace of mind, so I am realising. Things I stressed about 10 years ago are now so unimportant. Realising the things that matter to me, that I value in life are now so much more top-of-mind.
Moving forward. Having a good, stable relationship. A nice work environment where I am stimulated and motivated. A good work-life balance. Quality time with friends and family. Traveling. Reading. Lazy Sundays. Learning new things. Studying Italian. Yoga class. Getting physically in shape again. Being Happy. Being Healthy.
Those are my life goals. All equally important. My focus is on all of them. Thanks to the negative things I developed from, I know now more than ever what matters in life.
Camera ready? Let's start taking some pictures!
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Period Pains
All women in the world dealing with their period and the 'joy' of period pains that comes with it can probably relate to this post. Mother Nature was in my opinion a bit unfair when she distributed these things. Men get all the fun stuff: the morning erections and wet dreams. We get to go to labour, suffer that damn menstrual cycle every month and everything that comes with it.
For me, the physical part of my period is not the worst. The first 2 days I have some minor to medium cramps, like someone is constantly poking in my uturus. After 5 days I'm usually back to 'normal', whatever that might be.
But the emotional part is the worst for me. A few days before the period, a lot of women suffer from PMS: premenstrual syndrome. A quick Google learns me that this might cause the following: "Common symptoms include acne, tender breasts, bloating, feeling tired. Psychological symptoms can be: depressed feelings, anxiousness, irritability and agression. Often symptoms are present for around six days."
Well isn't this fun? No, it isn't. I notice these symptoms with myself when I start being even more emotional than I already am normally. The tiniest thing can upset me. I see a sad movie - I cry. I see a happy movie - I cry. If I could sleep for 6 days during this period, I would.
Also relationship wise this is a difficult time for me. In reality, nothing had changed. Vittorio still loves me as much as before. He is not the type to shout it off the rooftops or get too emotional about it. But in my head during this PMS period I am hypersensitive to detect the least change in his words and actions. The poor bastard. He is such a kind, loving and patient person. Sitting in Amsterdam, playing tanks on his tablet. Going to the movies by himself and watching his favourite soccer team play with friends. In between still texting me kisses and letting me know what's up. I notice all these things, and am grateful and appreciative that he keeps up the effort. It soothes my inner bitch during this period ;-)
For I cannot help but being a little more "on edge" and needy. I crave attention even more. No messages for a few hours? He forgot about me. A message but very plain and no kiss? Maybe there's something wrong. And I get upset. Make up scenarios in my head. Almost wanting to pick a fight to make him reassure me again that he still loves me and it's all good. It. Is. So. Exhausting.
That's why for me, "Period Pains" are more psychologically than physically. I suffer more from the first one than from the second one. I am aware of this, luckily and try to fight my inner dragon. I listen to music, read a book, take a walk or... write this blog so I can't pick a fight with him. I will be the one to conquer my inner dragon.
Period Pains. Fuck you.
For me, the physical part of my period is not the worst. The first 2 days I have some minor to medium cramps, like someone is constantly poking in my uturus. After 5 days I'm usually back to 'normal', whatever that might be.
But the emotional part is the worst for me. A few days before the period, a lot of women suffer from PMS: premenstrual syndrome. A quick Google learns me that this might cause the following: "Common symptoms include acne, tender breasts, bloating, feeling tired. Psychological symptoms can be: depressed feelings, anxiousness, irritability and agression. Often symptoms are present for around six days."
Well isn't this fun? No, it isn't. I notice these symptoms with myself when I start being even more emotional than I already am normally. The tiniest thing can upset me. I see a sad movie - I cry. I see a happy movie - I cry. If I could sleep for 6 days during this period, I would.
Also relationship wise this is a difficult time for me. In reality, nothing had changed. Vittorio still loves me as much as before. He is not the type to shout it off the rooftops or get too emotional about it. But in my head during this PMS period I am hypersensitive to detect the least change in his words and actions. The poor bastard. He is such a kind, loving and patient person. Sitting in Amsterdam, playing tanks on his tablet. Going to the movies by himself and watching his favourite soccer team play with friends. In between still texting me kisses and letting me know what's up. I notice all these things, and am grateful and appreciative that he keeps up the effort. It soothes my inner bitch during this period ;-)
For I cannot help but being a little more "on edge" and needy. I crave attention even more. No messages for a few hours? He forgot about me. A message but very plain and no kiss? Maybe there's something wrong. And I get upset. Make up scenarios in my head. Almost wanting to pick a fight to make him reassure me again that he still loves me and it's all good. It. Is. So. Exhausting.
That's why for me, "Period Pains" are more psychologically than physically. I suffer more from the first one than from the second one. I am aware of this, luckily and try to fight my inner dragon. I listen to music, read a book, take a walk or... write this blog so I can't pick a fight with him. I will be the one to conquer my inner dragon.
Period Pains. Fuck you.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
The price of admission
There is no settling down without some settling for. There is no long-term relationship not just putting up with your partner’s flaws, but accepting them and then pretending they aren’t there. We like to call it in my house “paying the price of admission"
A really nice must-watch video by Dan Savage:
You can’t have a long-term relationship with someone unless you’re willing to identify the prices of admission you’re willing to pay — and the ones you’re not. But the ones you’re not — the list of things you’re not willing to put up with — you really have to be able to count [them] on one hand…
My boyfriend is a really lovely person. He’s intelligent, funny, and kind and he possesses many other impressive character traits such as playing tank wars on his iPad...
Every once in a while, however, he does something that makes me crazy. For example the idea of hanging his clothes up after he's taken them off is completely foreign to him. My appartment looks like a hurricane has passed when he has been there for a weekend (!).
But ok: fair is fair. I'm quite confident that some of my habits and preferences also trigger some annoyance with him. Maybe it is my autistic traits of having to know what's coming. My clinginess. He probably knows better than me - ehehehe.
I believe that many couples let these kinds of small issues, turn their once-lovely relationships into battlefields. It would probably cost me less time and energy to hang up my boyfriends clothes than lecturing him about it over and over again. When we spend too much energy focusing on the "negative" or annoying, we risk to lose sight of our partner as the intelligent, funny and kind person we fell in love with.
So there is where the price of admission steps in. The personal sacrifices, large and small, that make long-term relationships possible.
In my interpretation of the price of admission, the principle begins with the recognition that both partners are flawed. Deeply so. Repeat after me, “We acknowledge that we are flawed creatures.” It’s not just your partner who is flawed… but also you. (Don’t worry, I also find this part difficult.)
The second understanding of the price of admission is that we are both AMAZING. Not me more than him…not him more than me. We are both talented, interesting and unique souls deserving of love and respect. Nowhere is this more true than within this relationship that we created.
The third understanding is that it is perfectly natural for people who have become very familiar with one another to be annoyed by traits and habits that once charmed them so much.
The fourth and final understanding is that you must learn how to let most of it go. The price of admission – the price that you willingly pay to be with this lovely person who brings so much to your life, with whom you feel utterly safe and heard and at “home” – is that you do not hold on to the toxic little things that are choking the life out of your love and affection for one another.
When I see my love's clothes piled up on the sofa, I remind myself that last night, it was this man who cooked me an amazing dinner even though he was tired from a long day at work. And I recognize that this is the price of admission. And I am more than willing to pay it.
People, when they’re young, have this idea… “There’s someone out there who’s perfect for me There's the one.”
“The one” does not exist. “The one” is a lie. But the beautiful part of the lie is that it’s a lie you can tell yourself.And we then are obligated to live up to the lies we told each other about who we are — we are then forced to be better people than we actually are, because it’s expected of us by each other. And you can, in a long-term relationship, really make your lie-self come true — if you’re smart, and you demand it of them, and you’re willing to give it to them. You have to be willing not to see him chewing with his mouth open, if you want to be around for his better qualities. And then buy into the lie-version where he never does that. Right? And they will hopefully do the same for you.
That’s the only way you become “the one” — it’s because somebody is willing to pretend you are. “The one” that they were waiting for, “the one” they wanted, their “one.” Because you’re not — nobody is.
No two people are perfect for each other, ever, period — No two people are 100% sexually compatible, no two people are 100% emotionally compatible, no two people want the same things.
And if you can’t reconcile yourself to that, you will have no relationships that last longer than two months. And you know what? It’s not going to be their fault — it’s going to be your fault.
A really nice must-watch video by Dan Savage:
My boyfriend is a really lovely person. He’s intelligent, funny, and kind and he possesses many other impressive character traits such as playing tank wars on his iPad...
Every once in a while, however, he does something that makes me crazy. For example the idea of hanging his clothes up after he's taken them off is completely foreign to him. My appartment looks like a hurricane has passed when he has been there for a weekend (!).
But ok: fair is fair. I'm quite confident that some of my habits and preferences also trigger some annoyance with him. Maybe it is my autistic traits of having to know what's coming. My clinginess. He probably knows better than me - ehehehe.
I believe that many couples let these kinds of small issues, turn their once-lovely relationships into battlefields. It would probably cost me less time and energy to hang up my boyfriends clothes than lecturing him about it over and over again. When we spend too much energy focusing on the "negative" or annoying, we risk to lose sight of our partner as the intelligent, funny and kind person we fell in love with.
So there is where the price of admission steps in. The personal sacrifices, large and small, that make long-term relationships possible.
In my interpretation of the price of admission, the principle begins with the recognition that both partners are flawed. Deeply so. Repeat after me, “We acknowledge that we are flawed creatures.” It’s not just your partner who is flawed… but also you. (Don’t worry, I also find this part difficult.)
The second understanding of the price of admission is that we are both AMAZING. Not me more than him…not him more than me. We are both talented, interesting and unique souls deserving of love and respect. Nowhere is this more true than within this relationship that we created.
The third understanding is that it is perfectly natural for people who have become very familiar with one another to be annoyed by traits and habits that once charmed them so much.
The fourth and final understanding is that you must learn how to let most of it go. The price of admission – the price that you willingly pay to be with this lovely person who brings so much to your life, with whom you feel utterly safe and heard and at “home” – is that you do not hold on to the toxic little things that are choking the life out of your love and affection for one another.
When I see my love's clothes piled up on the sofa, I remind myself that last night, it was this man who cooked me an amazing dinner even though he was tired from a long day at work. And I recognize that this is the price of admission. And I am more than willing to pay it.
People, when they’re young, have this idea… “There’s someone out there who’s perfect for me There's the one.”
“The one” does not exist. “The one” is a lie. But the beautiful part of the lie is that it’s a lie you can tell yourself.And we then are obligated to live up to the lies we told each other about who we are — we are then forced to be better people than we actually are, because it’s expected of us by each other. And you can, in a long-term relationship, really make your lie-self come true — if you’re smart, and you demand it of them, and you’re willing to give it to them. You have to be willing not to see him chewing with his mouth open, if you want to be around for his better qualities. And then buy into the lie-version where he never does that. Right? And they will hopefully do the same for you.
That’s the only way you become “the one” — it’s because somebody is willing to pretend you are. “The one” that they were waiting for, “the one” they wanted, their “one.” Because you’re not — nobody is.
No two people are perfect for each other, ever, period — No two people are 100% sexually compatible, no two people are 100% emotionally compatible, no two people want the same things.
And if you can’t reconcile yourself to that, you will have no relationships that last longer than two months. And you know what? It’s not going to be their fault — it’s going to be your fault.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
The final countdown
Wauw. In 7 weeks I will move to Amsterdam. As I say it, I still can't fully comprehend it.
I am so looking forward to start working there, in a fresh company, in a fresh function and a fresh team. But I am even more looking forward to living with the man of my life there.
But also, I am scared (there we go again :-)). And emotional. I hope Vitto looks forward to it as well. I wish I could read his mind, because he's not as open as I am. Is he really up for it? Or is there a part of him that's not ready yet? I know I'm probably overthinking and overreacting because if he did not love me, he would not have agreed with this in the first place. But I just need to hear the confirmation again and again that I am welcome. Call me insecure, call me crazy but it's just what I need.
The last thing I want is to ruin this for the both of us because of me being anxious.
This feels like a brand new chapter. Principe and Principessa living together, I like the sound of that.
It's probably just my PMS that's acting up here...
I am so looking forward to start working there, in a fresh company, in a fresh function and a fresh team. But I am even more looking forward to living with the man of my life there.
But also, I am scared (there we go again :-)). And emotional. I hope Vitto looks forward to it as well. I wish I could read his mind, because he's not as open as I am. Is he really up for it? Or is there a part of him that's not ready yet? I know I'm probably overthinking and overreacting because if he did not love me, he would not have agreed with this in the first place. But I just need to hear the confirmation again and again that I am welcome. Call me insecure, call me crazy but it's just what I need.
The last thing I want is to ruin this for the both of us because of me being anxious.
This feels like a brand new chapter. Principe and Principessa living together, I like the sound of that.
It's probably just my PMS that's acting up here...
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Sad feelings
Even though I am moving in with my boyfriend in less than 2 months, I still get sad when we have to say goodbye after having spent the weekend together. Saying goodbye is so hard. Returning to an empty appartment, where only half an hour ago we were still cuddling. I know I should smile and be happy because we have such a good relationship - and I am - but the first moments being back here alone, I can't help but feel sad. And even cry.
Every weekend we spend together I discover new things about my Principe which make me love him even more. This weekend, on Friday evening we were invited for dinner at my dad's and plusmom's. It was really amazing again. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the nice food and the nice atmosphere. Around midnight it was time to go home since we both were pretty tired.
On Saturday we slept in, and after a late breakfast we went food and alcohol shopping for the party later that day. My little nephew Storm was turning 11 and we were invited for swimming and playing games. But first, we decided to defrost my freezer and make it a little more ice-free. Teamwork! Vittorio was using the hammer and spatel to break the ice and in the meantime I was using my hair dryer to make it melt. After all that we were ready to go. At my uncle's we started making cocktails (Lazy Red Cheeks, Mojito's and Sex on The Beach, and also Gin Tonic's) to get the party started. Everyone was loving it (including us, haha). I played a few games of Kubb's and after that Vitto grabbed me and wanted to throw me in the pool. I grabbed his neck and wrapped my legs around him so it was not really possible :-P He put me down and we walked back. I said to my mom: yeah a big mouth but when it comes to it... Before I knew it, Vitto picked me up again and 10 seconds later I found myself in the pool. Luckily he joined as well a bit later :-D
The 2 weeks we spent apart feel like 4 weeks, and the 3 days of weekend only feel like 1. It's so unfair. Writing down all of this makes me feel a bit better. It's like therapy, letting the words come out and also my feelings. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have met him. That we are together. A little over a year ago I met that boy in his silly yellow swimming shorts and now I am moving in with him. And still: the sad feelings are also there when we are separated for a while again.
And now I'll try to stop being sad and go sort out some stuff before moving...
Every weekend we spend together I discover new things about my Principe which make me love him even more. This weekend, on Friday evening we were invited for dinner at my dad's and plusmom's. It was really amazing again. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the nice food and the nice atmosphere. Around midnight it was time to go home since we both were pretty tired.
On Saturday we slept in, and after a late breakfast we went food and alcohol shopping for the party later that day. My little nephew Storm was turning 11 and we were invited for swimming and playing games. But first, we decided to defrost my freezer and make it a little more ice-free. Teamwork! Vittorio was using the hammer and spatel to break the ice and in the meantime I was using my hair dryer to make it melt. After all that we were ready to go. At my uncle's we started making cocktails (Lazy Red Cheeks, Mojito's and Sex on The Beach, and also Gin Tonic's) to get the party started. Everyone was loving it (including us, haha). I played a few games of Kubb's and after that Vitto grabbed me and wanted to throw me in the pool. I grabbed his neck and wrapped my legs around him so it was not really possible :-P He put me down and we walked back. I said to my mom: yeah a big mouth but when it comes to it... Before I knew it, Vitto picked me up again and 10 seconds later I found myself in the pool. Luckily he joined as well a bit later :-D
The 2 weeks we spent apart feel like 4 weeks, and the 3 days of weekend only feel like 1. It's so unfair. Writing down all of this makes me feel a bit better. It's like therapy, letting the words come out and also my feelings. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have met him. That we are together. A little over a year ago I met that boy in his silly yellow swimming shorts and now I am moving in with him. And still: the sad feelings are also there when we are separated for a while again.
And now I'll try to stop being sad and go sort out some stuff before moving...
Monday, August 15, 2016
Things I like about you
I like your amazing blue eyes that grasp my breath every time I look into them.
I like your smile when you look at me or when I make you laugh.
I like your intelligence, your neverending hunger for information.
I like your rational mind and the way you think.
I like your calmness and the way you make me feel calm as well
I like your funny accent when you speak English but you can still hear you're Italian.
I like the hand gestures you make when you're enthusiastically describing something.
I like your chest with only a little bit of hair on it to play with.
I like your way of teasing me when we are apart.
I like how you encourage me to achieve goals in my life.
I like that you like my writing.
I like it that you always wish me goodmorning and goodnight.
I like your attitude towards your parents and how strong your connection is.
I like it when you're next to me on the couch reading but still caressing my leg.
I like it how you make time for me every time I need some attention.
I like your sexy firm ass.
I like the way you look at me and then make that cute happy sigh.
I like your sweet possessive teasing when other men are interested in me.
I like that you like to cook, because cooking together is so much more fun and I need more practice.
I like that you spoil me with your sweet words that make me feel so loved and cherised.
I like that you don't only listen, but also really hear me.
I like that you always make the effort to come to Hasselt, even if it takes you 4h of traveling.
I like your friends.
I like that you have never ever made me feel unwanted or unloved.
I like how cute you look when you are sleeping.
I like it how you make me feel safe without even trying.
I like the way you call me Principessa
I like it when you say sweet Italian things to me.
I like it how we complement each other on so many levels.
I like how we can talk so well about things together.
I like it how you are also learning me to enjoy 'comfortable silences'.
I like to wander around the streets together.
I like how you make love to me.
I like the passion between us.
I like the future we have ahead of us. Us. You and Me. We.
I love you.
The richest person in the world
Ah, monday nights. Those wonderful evenings I spend thinking about my life.
Where I am, how I feel and where I want to go. This night is no exception. As I was showering, thoughts flooded my mind. That's the funny thing about showering - it feels like together with the water, ideas shower down on you as well. You contemplate your entire life in the shower. And you come out refreshed, in body and mind.
Also, this night is no exception. Now I'm on the couch, in my "Flawless" sleeping top and with my wet hair in a bun writing this. I spent a wonderful weekend again with the people I care about, except for my Principe of course. Friday night, after going for dinner at my grandmother's, my brother had a concert and my mother, grandmother and grandfather were there. Afterwards, we went to their place for a drink and to celebrate my job in Amsterdam.
Saturday I spent on myself and in the evening I went to the bar of my stepbrother where I saw my father and my stepmother and 3 stepbrothers. Sunday afternoon I spent with a friend, going to my stepbrother's bar again where there was a band performing outside. An amazing surprise. I sat on the terrace from 4 pm until 9 pm and enjoyed every minute. Afterwards, my friend and me went for a drink at the city centre and found out there would be a fireworks show in half an hour. We quickly ordered drinks and found a nice spot to watch it. And it exceeded every expectation I had. It was amazing. I felt like a child again, enjoying my very first fireworks.
And today, I went shopping in Maastricht with my cousin Frauke. In Belgium it was a holiday today so we had to go abroad for shopping. I found a really nice jumpsuit and bought a pretty nice dress for only € 3 in sales. As I sit here on my couch, I feel like the richest person in the world. Not for money or possessions, but for love. No money in the world can buy the people surrounding me. My amazing family, my friends and last but definitely not least my Vittorio. I can only feel grateful to have them in my life. And I am. I will soon go to bed wrapped in my sheets, but filled with love. So tell me: what are you grateful for today?
Sunday, August 14, 2016
A new chapter
"Hello, this is Claudia speaking"
- Hi Claudia, this is Marc and Froukje from Travix
"... Yes, hi.."
- There's no need to be so shy because we have good news for you: you've got the job!
"What? Oh my god. Wauw, thank you - I am really really happy!"
- The rest of the conversation is less important ;-) -
I put down the phone, trembling with joy. OH MY GOD I'VE GOT THE JOB!!!!
I could cry of joy. This is so unbelievable! I had 1 job interview, 1 vacancy I was interested in and in barely 2 months I have a job in Amsterdam! I called my manager and informed him with the good news. He was happy for me, but also sad because this meant I am actually leaving now.
They would send me a job offer and after I agreed upon that they would prepare my contract. Start date: 11 october. 2 months from now. Aaaahhhh in 2 months I have to much to arrange!
Cancel all my contracts at home for water, gas, television. Either sell my furniture or store it for a year. Pack my stuff, get them to Amsterdam. Would I rent a moving company or just do it myself? Will I take my bike or buy a new one? My appartment has to be empty by the end of octobre so my items have to move first, then I need a lift to get all the big stuff out and go to the container park or storage room, and then the appartment has to be cleaned. Ok. No worries, I got this. I am a great planner so I'm sure I'll find a way of making it work.
Back to the job thing. This is actually happening. I will be the Campaign and Content manager for a big brand, in a big city and a big office with 220 people working there. I am moving to Amsterdam. Moving in with my boyfriend. Living together. This is so unbelievable. If you would have told me this one year ago, I would have laughed at you. I never imagined me living abroad. But somehow, I found the inner strength to take this huge leap of faith.
My Principe and I are starting a new chapter together. This is so exciting! I never imagined it going so fast but at the same time it just feels natural and right. Like the next logic step. Last weekend, I was in Amsterdam. Originally for the Gay Canal Pride, but as you read in a previous blogpost, Travix invited me for the 2nd and 3rd interview rounds on Wednesday. Interview with Business case to present on Monday. I went to my Principe on Friday with a lot of stress for this interview. I had to prepare a presentation about a fictional campaign I would do for Cheaptickets. Define target audience, orientation and decision making phase, online channels, how to measure. It has been a while since I had to do something like this but my Principe was amazing.
He gave me a book with amazing guidelines and let me work in peace. He went to the dry cleaning to drop off his costume, whilst I was working. In the afternoon, we had 'some' people over at the appartment to watch the Canal Parade from our window. With some people I mean about 20-25. It was pretty crowded, but also very nice! I talked to a lot of friends of Vittorio's, laughed A LOT and before I knew it, the day had passed. The Parade was over and people started leaving to go to the pub for another drink. Or 2. Honestly, I was exhausted. 8h of having people over and constantly talking is energy-consuming. Luckily, Vittorio felt the same way and we decided to stay home. 2 other guys came over for a coffee until 11pm but that was it. After they left, Vittorio said to me "I heard so many good things about you today and people liked you so much, I just cannot let you go anymore". This made my heart smile, and therefore my face as well. He is just so cute!
The day after the stress was back because I still had so much to do! Vitto went to a friend in the afternoon when I worked on the case and in the evening he went to the cinema when I worked on the case. I was sick and tired of spending the entire day on the couch working on that case but I had to finish! When Vitto came back from the cinema, we looked at my presentation together and he adapted some things here and there. It was 95% done when we went to bed. That day I realised what our lives would be like living together. Now, when visiting each other in the weekends we want to make every minute count so we don't do stuff apart. That Sunday spent mainly alone was a reality-check that this would be more like it. And I am ok with that.
It's funny, but since I got the confirmation that I have the job I have this feeling of "peace of mind". I feel so safe and secure in this relationship. So loved and cared for. One year ago I was like a scared little bird with a broken wing. Today I feel like a big, powerful Phoenix, ready to spread out my enormous wings and fly. Destination: a new chapter.
- Hi Claudia, this is Marc and Froukje from Travix
"... Yes, hi.."
- There's no need to be so shy because we have good news for you: you've got the job!
"What? Oh my god. Wauw, thank you - I am really really happy!"
- The rest of the conversation is less important ;-) -
I put down the phone, trembling with joy. OH MY GOD I'VE GOT THE JOB!!!!
I could cry of joy. This is so unbelievable! I had 1 job interview, 1 vacancy I was interested in and in barely 2 months I have a job in Amsterdam! I called my manager and informed him with the good news. He was happy for me, but also sad because this meant I am actually leaving now.
They would send me a job offer and after I agreed upon that they would prepare my contract. Start date: 11 october. 2 months from now. Aaaahhhh in 2 months I have to much to arrange!
Cancel all my contracts at home for water, gas, television. Either sell my furniture or store it for a year. Pack my stuff, get them to Amsterdam. Would I rent a moving company or just do it myself? Will I take my bike or buy a new one? My appartment has to be empty by the end of octobre so my items have to move first, then I need a lift to get all the big stuff out and go to the container park or storage room, and then the appartment has to be cleaned. Ok. No worries, I got this. I am a great planner so I'm sure I'll find a way of making it work.
Back to the job thing. This is actually happening. I will be the Campaign and Content manager for a big brand, in a big city and a big office with 220 people working there. I am moving to Amsterdam. Moving in with my boyfriend. Living together. This is so unbelievable. If you would have told me this one year ago, I would have laughed at you. I never imagined me living abroad. But somehow, I found the inner strength to take this huge leap of faith.
My Principe and I are starting a new chapter together. This is so exciting! I never imagined it going so fast but at the same time it just feels natural and right. Like the next logic step. Last weekend, I was in Amsterdam. Originally for the Gay Canal Pride, but as you read in a previous blogpost, Travix invited me for the 2nd and 3rd interview rounds on Wednesday. Interview with Business case to present on Monday. I went to my Principe on Friday with a lot of stress for this interview. I had to prepare a presentation about a fictional campaign I would do for Cheaptickets. Define target audience, orientation and decision making phase, online channels, how to measure. It has been a while since I had to do something like this but my Principe was amazing.
He gave me a book with amazing guidelines and let me work in peace. He went to the dry cleaning to drop off his costume, whilst I was working. In the afternoon, we had 'some' people over at the appartment to watch the Canal Parade from our window. With some people I mean about 20-25. It was pretty crowded, but also very nice! I talked to a lot of friends of Vittorio's, laughed A LOT and before I knew it, the day had passed. The Parade was over and people started leaving to go to the pub for another drink. Or 2. Honestly, I was exhausted. 8h of having people over and constantly talking is energy-consuming. Luckily, Vittorio felt the same way and we decided to stay home. 2 other guys came over for a coffee until 11pm but that was it. After they left, Vittorio said to me "I heard so many good things about you today and people liked you so much, I just cannot let you go anymore". This made my heart smile, and therefore my face as well. He is just so cute!
The day after the stress was back because I still had so much to do! Vitto went to a friend in the afternoon when I worked on the case and in the evening he went to the cinema when I worked on the case. I was sick and tired of spending the entire day on the couch working on that case but I had to finish! When Vitto came back from the cinema, we looked at my presentation together and he adapted some things here and there. It was 95% done when we went to bed. That day I realised what our lives would be like living together. Now, when visiting each other in the weekends we want to make every minute count so we don't do stuff apart. That Sunday spent mainly alone was a reality-check that this would be more like it. And I am ok with that.
It's funny, but since I got the confirmation that I have the job I have this feeling of "peace of mind". I feel so safe and secure in this relationship. So loved and cared for. One year ago I was like a scared little bird with a broken wing. Today I feel like a big, powerful Phoenix, ready to spread out my enormous wings and fly. Destination: a new chapter.
Inner calm and peace of mind
Yesterday I spent the entire day on myself. I woke up around 9.30, had breakfast and cleaned my appartment thoroughly because my landlord would come to take pictures of it. I enjoyed the cleaning and liked making my appartment "picture perfect". When the landlord had passed by, I changed clothes, grabbed my stuff and walked to the city centre. First goal: the Pandora shop. I had set my mind on the "Princess ring" and went straight for my target. 3 min later I walked out the shop with this beauty on my ring finger:
 |
| My Precious <3 IT'S SO PRETTYYY |
It was already 3 pm now and since I skipped lunch I was pretty hungry by now, so I started browsing for food. I walked to The Century (which is my favourite food place in Hasselt) and found myself a nice place on the terrace, in the sun. Aahh, lovely. I checked the menu but didn't feel like ordering a full meal since it was already way past lunch time. I figured, let's just order a snack and so I went for the "moelleux au chocolat". As I sat there, waiting for my order I enjoyed. The beautiful day, the sun on my skin, the people buzzing around me. It was just me on the terrace, but I was peaceful. Calm. After about 10 min my moelleux came - and it wasn't moelleux on the inside, grr :'( . But ok. I still enjoyed every scoop of it. After my snack break, I continued my strolling through the city. Went to a few shops, bought some stuff, reached my steps goal (doubled it even!) and around 6 pm it was time to go home. Well first to the supermarket to get stuff to prepare dinner.
I decided a healthy mind should also have a healthy body so I would go for grilled eggplant and zucchini with cherry tomatoes, avocado and raw salmon. As I collected that stuff at the supermarket, again I noticed this feeling of inner calm and strength in me. I felt strong, complete and happy. I went home, prepared my dinner and sat down the table to eat it mindfully. Not watch television while eating, but just sit, eat and be. No distractions. And I liked it.
The bottom line for this post is that I really enjoyed spending a day 'on my own'. I didn't HAVE to do anything but COULD to everything. I went where I wanted to, when I wanted to and came home when I was tired. I struggled for a long time to do things on my own, because I never really learned to be. I always prefered company. Now that I think about it, I guess it also had to do with my insecurities and my need to feel save and loved. Doing things alone can be scary when you don't feel confident about yourself. I am 27 now and I can finally say: I am ok with myself and by myself.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Home is where the heart is
A couple of months ago, my boyfriend and me started talking about moving in together. We almost knew each other for a year, the Long Distance Relationship was tiring because there was always something going on with the trains. Strikes, cancelled trains. More than once I had to drive an hour to Antwerp or Leuven to pick him up at a station because he could not get further. Very frustrating, and time and gas-consuming. In december my rental contract for my appartment will end, and I would have to get a new contract for at least 1 year.
Did we really want to go back and forth for one more year? We were both not very keen on that idea. I prefer to just take the jump and move in together. If it works out: super. If it doesn't: too bad. But at least we know it sooner then. He agreed with me. Ok, so I should start looking for a job in Amsterdam. This could take a while. There is no hurry in it either. I should find a job that really suits me. So I started looking. And pretty fast I found something that I liked. Very much. So I prepared my resumé in English, wrote a motivational letter and sent it out. Shortly after that, I got a reply from the company with some extra questions, and if these questions matched their expectations they would invite me to some online tests.
Wow. I answered their questions, got a mail back that it was indeed a match and was invited to the tests.
After passing the tests, I got invited to a 1st job interview (which was the day before yesterday). It was via Skype so I did not have to travel 6h back and forth to Amsterdam for a 1h interview. It went very well and smooth and both parties agreed that it was a nice 1st interview. I would hear from them before the end of the week if I was selected for the 2nd and 3rd interview. Today I got an e-mail that I am selected for part 2 and 3.
Wow wow wow. This is all going pretty fast. What happened to taking it nice and easy? In only 2,5 months I went from slowly applying to almost having a job. And I will be perfectly honest about it: I am terrified. If I get the job, I will leave everything behind and move to Amsterdam, to my Principe. I have never taken a leap of faith this big. Normally I would be in charge, in the 'safe' position. Now I depend fully on him. If he doesn't want to continue his life with me, I am being kicked out. And then what? Back to Belgium? Can I afford to stay in Amsterdam all by myself?
Sshhhht Claudia. Stop with this overthinking again. But I just like to know what I'm up for. Have a plan B in my head. But as my best friend told me: if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. And that is a piece of wisdom I cannot deny.
I am scared of a lot of things. Feeling alone, missing family and friends, that it might go wrong between Vitto and me. That we are rushing it. To get hurt.
But I also look forward to so many things: living together for the 1st time with someone who also has a stable job and income, who loves me 200%, a new job in a big company, a new and exciting city, making new friends.
Of course putting 2 different people with 2 different backgrounds in 1 house is quite the challenge. I don't expect rainbows and unicorns. But I am sure we will work it out. Because I love him, and I know he loves me. And then it doesn't matter where I live geographically. Home is where the heart is. And my heart is with him.
Did we really want to go back and forth for one more year? We were both not very keen on that idea. I prefer to just take the jump and move in together. If it works out: super. If it doesn't: too bad. But at least we know it sooner then. He agreed with me. Ok, so I should start looking for a job in Amsterdam. This could take a while. There is no hurry in it either. I should find a job that really suits me. So I started looking. And pretty fast I found something that I liked. Very much. So I prepared my resumé in English, wrote a motivational letter and sent it out. Shortly after that, I got a reply from the company with some extra questions, and if these questions matched their expectations they would invite me to some online tests.
Wow. I answered their questions, got a mail back that it was indeed a match and was invited to the tests.
After passing the tests, I got invited to a 1st job interview (which was the day before yesterday). It was via Skype so I did not have to travel 6h back and forth to Amsterdam for a 1h interview. It went very well and smooth and both parties agreed that it was a nice 1st interview. I would hear from them before the end of the week if I was selected for the 2nd and 3rd interview. Today I got an e-mail that I am selected for part 2 and 3.
Wow wow wow. This is all going pretty fast. What happened to taking it nice and easy? In only 2,5 months I went from slowly applying to almost having a job. And I will be perfectly honest about it: I am terrified. If I get the job, I will leave everything behind and move to Amsterdam, to my Principe. I have never taken a leap of faith this big. Normally I would be in charge, in the 'safe' position. Now I depend fully on him. If he doesn't want to continue his life with me, I am being kicked out. And then what? Back to Belgium? Can I afford to stay in Amsterdam all by myself?
Sshhhht Claudia. Stop with this overthinking again. But I just like to know what I'm up for. Have a plan B in my head. But as my best friend told me: if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. And that is a piece of wisdom I cannot deny.
I am scared of a lot of things. Feeling alone, missing family and friends, that it might go wrong between Vitto and me. That we are rushing it. To get hurt.
But I also look forward to so many things: living together for the 1st time with someone who also has a stable job and income, who loves me 200%, a new job in a big company, a new and exciting city, making new friends.
Of course putting 2 different people with 2 different backgrounds in 1 house is quite the challenge. I don't expect rainbows and unicorns. But I am sure we will work it out. Because I love him, and I know he loves me. And then it doesn't matter where I live geographically. Home is where the heart is. And my heart is with him.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Reassuring love
I have had my fair share of relationships so far. At the age of 27 I had about 12 of them. Some lasted only 2 weeks, others lasted 2 years. Sometimes I ended them, sometimes the other party did. You might find that number quite a lot by the way - or maybe not at all. I have been judged about it by some exes, but now I don't care anymore.
I have learned from each and every relationship and know now more than ever what I want and need and more importantly: what I don't want at all. Relationships can either give you energy, or drain you completely. This time - I think I met someone very special. I am a chronic overthinker, I just can't help myself from (over)analysing things. I panick way too easily and let the made up scenario's in my head get to me. I realise this very well, but it is so hard to stop.
Anyway, the point I was getting to is that Vittorio is so much different from all the relationships I have had so far. My last couple of boyfriends I met through online dating because I believed that this was a perfect way of getting to know each other online and see if you are a good match. I think it is only now that I fully realise what a distorted image that can give you. Someone can pretend to be all they want online and write the nicest things, but be completely different when you are in a relationship with them.
If I met Vittorio online - which would not be much likely since he lives in Amsterdam - I am not sure we would have gotten to the point where we are now. I don't know. We are pretty different types of people with different intrests. I am very extraverted, he is more introverted. He likes to read about more 'intelligent' stuff where I lose myself in a brainless novel or a good (auto)biography. He loves history where I barely can remember anything I ever learned. I am emotional where he is super rational.
Again, the differences scared me (and honestly still scare me sometimes). But I also realised that these differences might just be how we complete each other. He calms me down where I can make him more extraverted. I am the planner where he is disorganized. He can teach me about history and I can teach him .. Well I don't know actually. Something else ;-)
But the love we share... It is so reassuring. He took the time to read me, get to know and understand me. And I did the same with him. Where at first I was very suspicious about getting hurt again that I tested his loyalty so much. I checked his phone (not proud of that) but I had to know he was true. After knowing each other for 1 year now and being "official" for about 8 months, I feel this calmness that I haven't felt for a very long time. We just returned from our first 10-day holiday together (which also went very very well) and I feel like the love is stronger than ever.
Even though at first he might not be what I was looking for, he turned out to be everything I need. Reassuring love.
I have learned from each and every relationship and know now more than ever what I want and need and more importantly: what I don't want at all. Relationships can either give you energy, or drain you completely. This time - I think I met someone very special. I am a chronic overthinker, I just can't help myself from (over)analysing things. I panick way too easily and let the made up scenario's in my head get to me. I realise this very well, but it is so hard to stop.
Anyway, the point I was getting to is that Vittorio is so much different from all the relationships I have had so far. My last couple of boyfriends I met through online dating because I believed that this was a perfect way of getting to know each other online and see if you are a good match. I think it is only now that I fully realise what a distorted image that can give you. Someone can pretend to be all they want online and write the nicest things, but be completely different when you are in a relationship with them.
If I met Vittorio online - which would not be much likely since he lives in Amsterdam - I am not sure we would have gotten to the point where we are now. I don't know. We are pretty different types of people with different intrests. I am very extraverted, he is more introverted. He likes to read about more 'intelligent' stuff where I lose myself in a brainless novel or a good (auto)biography. He loves history where I barely can remember anything I ever learned. I am emotional where he is super rational.
Again, the differences scared me (and honestly still scare me sometimes). But I also realised that these differences might just be how we complete each other. He calms me down where I can make him more extraverted. I am the planner where he is disorganized. He can teach me about history and I can teach him .. Well I don't know actually. Something else ;-)
But the love we share... It is so reassuring. He took the time to read me, get to know and understand me. And I did the same with him. Where at first I was very suspicious about getting hurt again that I tested his loyalty so much. I checked his phone (not proud of that) but I had to know he was true. After knowing each other for 1 year now and being "official" for about 8 months, I feel this calmness that I haven't felt for a very long time. We just returned from our first 10-day holiday together (which also went very very well) and I feel like the love is stronger than ever.
Even though at first he might not be what I was looking for, he turned out to be everything I need. Reassuring love.
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