I am damaged goods. Previous experiences and dissapointments in life left their scars on my soul. I don't know if it is because of this, but I am very sensitive. Overemotional maybe. I overthink things. And it is a curse and a blessing at the same time. A blessing because I have a very high emotional intelligence which allows me to "read" people's emotions very easily. I can almost feel when something is off with someone. Sense the mood or the tension in a room. An awareness to others pain. A very strong intuition.
A curse because sometimes all these emotions overwhelm me. I have all these emotions and don't know what to do with them. Especially in my relationship this can get tricky. I don't know if it belongs in the category of 'seperation anxiety'. I am just scared of being abandoned. I have all this love in me and want to make the other person 200% happy so that I tend to put my personal happiness aside for them. This happened in my relationship with Redlef. I gave all that I had to give. And it backfired so hard, that it left a big hole in my heart. The worst heartbreak I ever experienced in my life. I was a pile of misery. Stayed at my grandma's for about 7 weeks because I could not bare going home and be alone at my appartment. I needed to be taken care of. To heal. I am forever grateful to my grandma for everything she has done for me. Not only these 7 weeks, but in general. She is a true inspiration for mankind. I fear the day that she will pass away, because I am afraid I will never get over it... See, getting emotional again here.
Anyway, back to the story.
I met Vittorio the end of July, about 4 months after Redlef started having his 'doubts' about our relationship and put it on hold. At the beginning of June I ended things with Redlef, simply because I could not go any further. I gave him 3 months to figure it out, and I was just done with it myself. I just wanted to be mentally stable again. At this point I was already staying at my grandma's. She dragged me through it. When I travelled to Italy, I was already gaining strength again.
But I did not expect to meet someone like Vittorio. It was not like being struck by lightening, but like meeting someone and you know something is about to happen. I had to get to know him, with every fibre in my body. Luckily he felt the same way. At first, we were both scared I think. We both just got out of a very intense relationship and were not sure if we were ready for something new already. Plus, there is the distance gap. Amsterdam is 2,5 hours away by car, and even almost 4h travel by train. Can we do this?
November 15 again I needed clearance. What was this that we had going on? We texted every day, all day long. We did not see or dated other people. He visited a couple times and let's say we did not only talk then if you know what I mean. Could we define it as a relationship? Just decide to go for it? Vittorio asked me why I had this need to 'label' it. I told him I needed something to hold on to. I was not looking for a fling or a friend-with-benefits. And again, after 4 months you must know what you want? We decided to set our 'official date' on this day. From now on, we were official. Yay!
Can we do this? After 9 months of which 5 official I can say: yes we can. Vittorio is an amazing person. He soothes my soul. He listens to me when I have my "overthinking" moments and start blurting out random thoughts and feelings. He doesn't leave me hanging there with them. I have this feeling of emotional security I have never felt before. For some magical reason, he loves me with all the scars I have. And what he doesn't realise is that he is the salve that eventually will make them fade away...
Sunday, April 24, 2016
He made her smile again
I've been thinking a lot about my previous post. Meeting Vittorio changed my life, changed me as a person. Of course it is still too soon to tell for the long term, but I am amazed about how much I changed in less than a year.
I did not expect to meet someone on this little holiday at all. I was there to leave the past behind and start fresh. I still remember the morning that I left for Italy, Redlef was at my front door with a huge bouquet of flowers and a 5 page letter pouring his heart out that I was the one for him. I brought the letter to Italy to let my aunt and uncle read it and we decided that Italy was the perfect time and place to "let go". Literally. We were at the Beer Fest somewhere on Friday night (the night of my arrival) and Ina let me take a scrap of paper and write "Redlef'" on it. Then she instructed me to say the words "okay Redlef, I am letting go of you here and now." and had me put the paper in a crack of the wooden table. So I did. And I felt relieved. Closure. Silly, actually, that this little action could mean so much. Thinking back at it today, it is funny and crazy at the same time that only 2 days later I started a new chapter in my life. Enter Vittorio.
We decided to meet again a couple of weeks after we both returned from Italy. I was pretty nervous about seeing him again. Would we click or would it be awkward? Would we have enough to talk about? Would something happen? Then an unexpected holiday to Fuerteventura came in between, so we had to postphone our "1st date". During the countdown we talked every day. We teased, flirted and got to know each other better. He started growing on me. What I liked about him was that he was a man of his word. He texted me every morning and every night before going to bed. No exceptions.
About a month after meeting him for the 1st time, we met each other again. Vittorio would stay at my place for 4 days. We would go kajak, go to the movies, go to a swimming lake and so on. The morning of his arrival, I was up early at 8. He would rent a car around 9.30 and arrive in Hasselt by noon. He texted me saying that he had a small delay but would hurry up. Around noon I saw a little car with Holland plates driving up the parking lot. Oh god. Oh god. It's time. I could see him get out of the car, and trying to open the trunk (which he struggled with for 5 min) and then I could not wait any longer so I ran down the stairs. I opened the door with my heart beating in my chest and saw him walking towards me. With a calm pace and a little nervous smile on his face. "Ciao Principessa", he said, before planting his lips on mine...
I did not expect to meet someone on this little holiday at all. I was there to leave the past behind and start fresh. I still remember the morning that I left for Italy, Redlef was at my front door with a huge bouquet of flowers and a 5 page letter pouring his heart out that I was the one for him. I brought the letter to Italy to let my aunt and uncle read it and we decided that Italy was the perfect time and place to "let go". Literally. We were at the Beer Fest somewhere on Friday night (the night of my arrival) and Ina let me take a scrap of paper and write "Redlef'" on it. Then she instructed me to say the words "okay Redlef, I am letting go of you here and now." and had me put the paper in a crack of the wooden table. So I did. And I felt relieved. Closure. Silly, actually, that this little action could mean so much. Thinking back at it today, it is funny and crazy at the same time that only 2 days later I started a new chapter in my life. Enter Vittorio.
We decided to meet again a couple of weeks after we both returned from Italy. I was pretty nervous about seeing him again. Would we click or would it be awkward? Would we have enough to talk about? Would something happen? Then an unexpected holiday to Fuerteventura came in between, so we had to postphone our "1st date". During the countdown we talked every day. We teased, flirted and got to know each other better. He started growing on me. What I liked about him was that he was a man of his word. He texted me every morning and every night before going to bed. No exceptions.
About a month after meeting him for the 1st time, we met each other again. Vittorio would stay at my place for 4 days. We would go kajak, go to the movies, go to a swimming lake and so on. The morning of his arrival, I was up early at 8. He would rent a car around 9.30 and arrive in Hasselt by noon. He texted me saying that he had a small delay but would hurry up. Around noon I saw a little car with Holland plates driving up the parking lot. Oh god. Oh god. It's time. I could see him get out of the car, and trying to open the trunk (which he struggled with for 5 min) and then I could not wait any longer so I ran down the stairs. I opened the door with my heart beating in my chest and saw him walking towards me. With a calm pace and a little nervous smile on his face. "Ciao Principessa", he said, before planting his lips on mine...
Sunday, April 17, 2016
An angel with repaired wings
"I've been thinking about changes, and who I was this time last year.
I know I was a lot more afraid, and I know I am not the same person anymore.
This time last year I was waiting for a call that I knew was never going to come. And now, I am making the call. I don't know exactly when I changed, or how, but I know at some point, between cutting my strings, escaping my cage and building my wings, I set myself free."
A lot has changed since last year. I am writing this in English now (the reason why will be revealed later on). After the break-up with Redlef I needed a break. Desperately. I was an enormous mess. I felt like an idiot for letting him fool me like that. Here I was, blogging about my anxiety disorder and writing that it was probably all just me and the monsters in my head. No, turns out that he WAS cheating and he did lie to me all this time. After everything came out, he tried to fix things with both Christine and me. Called me almost everyday, texted me, showed up at my door with a 5-page letter about how sorry he was... And did about the same thing with her, so I heard. I had to clear my head. Figure things out again.
So I went on a little 5-day holiday to my aunt, who lived in Italy since about a year. And boy, did that little journey change my life...
It was summer, it was the middle of a heat wave and it was a burning 40°. Sweat was dripping down my spine, and I was just sitting in the garden doing absolutely nothing. I need a pool. Or a cold shower. Anything that cools me down. It was Sunday, and it was my 2nd day in Italy. We just returned from a late lunch at "Larry's" and it was around 4 in the afternoon. My aunt, uncle, myself and a colleague of my uncle's decided to play some Kubb. A game like bowling, where you have to try to hit over blocks by throwing sticks at them. If was fun, we laughed a lot and Joao and I won the first game! We sat down for a little pause and a glass of beer/wine when my uncle got a call from another colleague of him to go and have a beer in town. My uncle declined and said that we were playing Kubb in the garden, but that the colleague was always welcome to join us. So after about 10 min, the other colleague came cycling up the driveway. In a yellow swimming short and a black t-shirt. Not bad, I thought. He got off his bike and approached us. He seemed about my age. He took off his sunglasses. Blue eyes. Little gasp for breath here. He smiled and introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Vittorio, nice to meet you".
I think I was pretty much sold after that moment. Even though I was a 25 year-old woman at the time, I felt like a 14-year old teenager again with the hormones racing down my body. I tried to keep my cool and act normal, so no-one would notice I liked him. And have to say: he was acting a bit weird too. We played another game of Kubb and he joined my aunt and uncle's team. During the game, he did not say 1 word directly to me. Avoided eye-contact. I was beginning to think he liked me too.
My aunt (Ina) invited both colleagues to stay for dinner. Joao couldn't, but Vittorio said he was happy to stay. My heart made a little jump in my chest.
Whilst preparing dinner, I told my aunt that I thought he was cute. She agreed, and said she would try to get as much information out of him as she could! Strange but true: I was too shy to do it myself. Stupid 14-year old teenager. So during dinner, my aunt started questioning him. Where he is from (Italy), where he lived now (Amsterdam), if he had a girlfriend (no). My heart jumped in my chest again.
The evening continued, my aunt managed to get some information out of him and I just got more and more interested in getting to know him. But I was only here for 3 full more days and the 4th I would leave. How would I do this... After he went home my aunt suggested to my uncle that he should invite Vittorio to the pool party on Tuesday night. And so he did.
Fast forward to Tuesday night, I am wearing a pretty dress and am tagging along to the pool party. I am so very nervous to see Vittorio again. Will we get to talk? Will it be fun? What should we talk about? We are at a table with another colleague and his family, waiting for Vittorio to show. We order drinks, we talk and laugh. We order a second round of drinks. Still no Vittorio. A 3rd, a 4th. Looks like he isn't going to show... And when the night came to an end, he didn't. I was so very disapointed. But ok, at least now I knew he was not interested in me.
The day after I found out that there had been a misunderstanding between my uncle and Vittorio. My uncle invited him to the pool party, but Vittorio was busy doing something else and did not fully understand that he just got invited to a party. Aaah! Ok, no problem. Tonight we would organise a 'goodbye' drink for me in the local pub and he was invited once again.
This time, he did show and boy did he look amazing... A nice red shirt, his hair nicely done with some gel. At first I didn't even recognize him when we bumped into him on the streets. He sat next to me at the table afterwards. It was an amazing evening. We were 7 people, and later that night even 8 when Marco joined. The day after, everyone except for Ina, Petra and me had to work, so around 1 am people started leaving. Ina and Gerben also got up to go home and Ina said to me: I'll leave the backdoor opened, but it's also ok if you decide not to come home *wink*. Errrr yeah, that was not the intention. So at this point it was just me, Vittorio and Marco. We ordered 1 more round. I had about 4 prosecco's by now and felt pretty tipsy. After the last one, it was already past 2 in the morning and the guys had to go home. I asked Vittorio if he could walk me home because I didn't know the way. 'Oh no problem, Marco said, I will drive you home". Oh no, I will be fine, I replied. But he insisted. Vittorio said he would join us to show the way. So they drove me home. Once arrived, Vittorio got out with me and walked me to the gate. I waited for something to happen, but it didn't. Because of the one too many drinks, I blurted out: how come you didn't make a move? Vittorio stood there and stammered: I'm sorry, I did not know what to do... We exchanged details, and I went to bed with a big smile... The morning after I saw that I had a message from him, apologizing for his 'social awareness of a rock' and if maybe we could start from where we left off once he was back in Amsterdam.
To be continued... ;-)
I know I was a lot more afraid, and I know I am not the same person anymore.
This time last year I was waiting for a call that I knew was never going to come. And now, I am making the call. I don't know exactly when I changed, or how, but I know at some point, between cutting my strings, escaping my cage and building my wings, I set myself free."
A lot has changed since last year. I am writing this in English now (the reason why will be revealed later on). After the break-up with Redlef I needed a break. Desperately. I was an enormous mess. I felt like an idiot for letting him fool me like that. Here I was, blogging about my anxiety disorder and writing that it was probably all just me and the monsters in my head. No, turns out that he WAS cheating and he did lie to me all this time. After everything came out, he tried to fix things with both Christine and me. Called me almost everyday, texted me, showed up at my door with a 5-page letter about how sorry he was... And did about the same thing with her, so I heard. I had to clear my head. Figure things out again.
So I went on a little 5-day holiday to my aunt, who lived in Italy since about a year. And boy, did that little journey change my life...
It was summer, it was the middle of a heat wave and it was a burning 40°. Sweat was dripping down my spine, and I was just sitting in the garden doing absolutely nothing. I need a pool. Or a cold shower. Anything that cools me down. It was Sunday, and it was my 2nd day in Italy. We just returned from a late lunch at "Larry's" and it was around 4 in the afternoon. My aunt, uncle, myself and a colleague of my uncle's decided to play some Kubb. A game like bowling, where you have to try to hit over blocks by throwing sticks at them. If was fun, we laughed a lot and Joao and I won the first game! We sat down for a little pause and a glass of beer/wine when my uncle got a call from another colleague of him to go and have a beer in town. My uncle declined and said that we were playing Kubb in the garden, but that the colleague was always welcome to join us. So after about 10 min, the other colleague came cycling up the driveway. In a yellow swimming short and a black t-shirt. Not bad, I thought. He got off his bike and approached us. He seemed about my age. He took off his sunglasses. Blue eyes. Little gasp for breath here. He smiled and introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Vittorio, nice to meet you".
I think I was pretty much sold after that moment. Even though I was a 25 year-old woman at the time, I felt like a 14-year old teenager again with the hormones racing down my body. I tried to keep my cool and act normal, so no-one would notice I liked him. And have to say: he was acting a bit weird too. We played another game of Kubb and he joined my aunt and uncle's team. During the game, he did not say 1 word directly to me. Avoided eye-contact. I was beginning to think he liked me too.
My aunt (Ina) invited both colleagues to stay for dinner. Joao couldn't, but Vittorio said he was happy to stay. My heart made a little jump in my chest.
Whilst preparing dinner, I told my aunt that I thought he was cute. She agreed, and said she would try to get as much information out of him as she could! Strange but true: I was too shy to do it myself. Stupid 14-year old teenager. So during dinner, my aunt started questioning him. Where he is from (Italy), where he lived now (Amsterdam), if he had a girlfriend (no). My heart jumped in my chest again.
The evening continued, my aunt managed to get some information out of him and I just got more and more interested in getting to know him. But I was only here for 3 full more days and the 4th I would leave. How would I do this... After he went home my aunt suggested to my uncle that he should invite Vittorio to the pool party on Tuesday night. And so he did.
Fast forward to Tuesday night, I am wearing a pretty dress and am tagging along to the pool party. I am so very nervous to see Vittorio again. Will we get to talk? Will it be fun? What should we talk about? We are at a table with another colleague and his family, waiting for Vittorio to show. We order drinks, we talk and laugh. We order a second round of drinks. Still no Vittorio. A 3rd, a 4th. Looks like he isn't going to show... And when the night came to an end, he didn't. I was so very disapointed. But ok, at least now I knew he was not interested in me.
The day after I found out that there had been a misunderstanding between my uncle and Vittorio. My uncle invited him to the pool party, but Vittorio was busy doing something else and did not fully understand that he just got invited to a party. Aaah! Ok, no problem. Tonight we would organise a 'goodbye' drink for me in the local pub and he was invited once again.
This time, he did show and boy did he look amazing... A nice red shirt, his hair nicely done with some gel. At first I didn't even recognize him when we bumped into him on the streets. He sat next to me at the table afterwards. It was an amazing evening. We were 7 people, and later that night even 8 when Marco joined. The day after, everyone except for Ina, Petra and me had to work, so around 1 am people started leaving. Ina and Gerben also got up to go home and Ina said to me: I'll leave the backdoor opened, but it's also ok if you decide not to come home *wink*. Errrr yeah, that was not the intention. So at this point it was just me, Vittorio and Marco. We ordered 1 more round. I had about 4 prosecco's by now and felt pretty tipsy. After the last one, it was already past 2 in the morning and the guys had to go home. I asked Vittorio if he could walk me home because I didn't know the way. 'Oh no problem, Marco said, I will drive you home". Oh no, I will be fine, I replied. But he insisted. Vittorio said he would join us to show the way. So they drove me home. Once arrived, Vittorio got out with me and walked me to the gate. I waited for something to happen, but it didn't. Because of the one too many drinks, I blurted out: how come you didn't make a move? Vittorio stood there and stammered: I'm sorry, I did not know what to do... We exchanged details, and I went to bed with a big smile... The morning after I saw that I had a message from him, apologizing for his 'social awareness of a rock' and if maybe we could start from where we left off once he was back in Amsterdam.
To be continued... ;-)
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