Sunday, July 24, 2016

Reassuring love

I have had my fair share of relationships so far. At the age of 27 I had about 12 of them. Some lasted only 2 weeks, others lasted 2 years. Sometimes I ended them, sometimes the other party did. You might find that number quite a lot by the way - or maybe not at all. I have been judged about it by some exes, but now I don't care anymore.

I have learned from each and every relationship and know now more than ever what I want and need and more importantly: what I don't want at all. Relationships can either give you energy, or drain you completely. This time - I think I met someone very special. I am a chronic overthinker, I just can't help myself from (over)analysing things.   I panick way too easily and let the made up scenario's in my head get to me. I realise this very well, but it is so hard to stop.

Anyway, the point I was getting to is that Vittorio is so much different from all the relationships I have had so far. My last couple of boyfriends I met through online dating because I believed that this was a perfect way of getting to know each other online and see if you are a good match. I think it is only now that I fully realise what a distorted image that can give you. Someone can pretend to be all they want online and write the nicest things, but be completely different when you are in a relationship with them.

If I met Vittorio online - which would not be much likely since he lives in Amsterdam - I am not sure we would have gotten to the point where we are now. I don't know. We are pretty different types of people with different intrests. I am very extraverted, he is more introverted. He likes to read about more 'intelligent' stuff where I lose myself in a brainless novel or a good (auto)biography. He loves history where I barely can remember anything I ever learned. I am emotional where he is super rational.

Again, the differences scared me (and honestly still scare me sometimes). But I also realised that these differences might just be how we complete each other. He calms me down where I can make him more extraverted. I am the planner where he is disorganized. He can teach me about history and I can teach him .. Well I don't know actually. Something else ;-)

But the love we share... It is so reassuring. He took the time to read me, get to know and understand me. And I did the same with him. Where at first I was very suspicious about getting hurt again that I tested his loyalty so much. I checked his phone (not proud of that) but I had to know he was true. After knowing each other for 1 year now and being "official" for about 8 months, I feel this calmness that I haven't felt for a very long time. We just returned from our first 10-day holiday together (which also went very very well) and I feel like the love is stronger than ever.

Even though at first he might not be what I was looking for, he turned out to be everything I need. Reassuring love.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Why she can't allow herself to believe that you love her

Dear Men,

I know you’re confused. Maybe a little frustrated, even. You see her, all parts of her: the good and the bad. And you can’t help but fall in love with each and every one of them. You can’t help but feel like all those flaws and all those imperfections that she tries so hard to hide are exactly what make her truly beautiful. And you can’t help but feel like devoting your entire life towards making her feel as beautiful and perfect as she actually is.

But she just won’t believe you. She just won’t let herself go. And she just won’t understand how it is even possible for you to feel that way for her. This drives you crazy. It makes you feel helpless. You feel like you would do absolutely anything to make her see herself through your eyes for just a minute. You feel like taking away all of her pain and insecurities once and for all and filling her life with the kind of happiness she truly deserves. You feel like you just want to break through that wall she has built around her. And you just can’t seem to understand why it was ever built in the first place.

I know you want to break through, I know you want to understand, I know you want to give her true happiness and I know you want her to really believe you when you tell her you love her. But it’s just not that simple for her. It’s not simple because people made her promises that they could never even keep. Because she’s lost so much of her self-esteem that she doesn’t even feel like she deserves the love you’re giving her. Because too many people have entered her life and then just left, without any reason, without any guilt and without a warning. She doesn’t want you to be one of those people. She doesn’t want more broken promises. She doesn’t want to lose the little bit of self-esteem that’s still left. But she does want to believe you. She does want to give you a chance. She does want to trust you enough to give her the love she deserves. She really does, but life has given her too many reasons to not trust the people who say they “love” her. She has seen and felt so much in this short life of hers.

Just the thought that you might actually love her makes her scared beyond words. It makes her want to run away and hide from what will follow. It makes her recall all the times when she saw all her hopes and dreams come crashing down right in front of her eyes. She’s no stranger to what this love will entail. She knows how it works all too well; it actually feels like a pattern now. A guy comes along, he makes her smile, he makes her feel special, he makes her fall in love, he gives her some amazing moments, he slowly becomes the center of her entire life, and then? He just leaves. Where does the ‘love’ suddenly go away?

And this loss of faith isn’t because of just one single experience. Maybe it happened because of that time when the most important person in her life left her all alone, hurt and broken or maybe it happened when her friend’s guy cheated on her even though they seemed like the most perfect couple or maybe it was because of how she never saw any real love and affection between her parents or maybe it was the effect of all these things combined. Everything she saw and everything she felt just seemed to point at one simple truth: Love is temporary! And no matter how hard she tries to look at the bright side, no matter how much she tries to convince herself otherwise, and no matter how badly she wants to believe in some never-ending love, all the sad stories around her just seem to overpower all the happy ones.

She is perfectly aware of how beautiful love can be. She knows how it can make you feel like the happiest person in the entire universe, she knows how all the love songs and all those lame romantic comedies suddenly start to make sense when you have that special someone by your side, she knows about all the butterflies you constantly tend to feel, and she knows how love can make you smile at the smallest of things.

And she believes that maybe this time, it will be different...

Monday, July 11, 2016

Follow your heart

When you explain to your environment the life dilemmas you are in, more than once you will get the advice do "follow your heart". Also in love it is probably one of the most popular advices given. Do we believe that following our heart equals the road to happiness?

I think many people are willing to testify that this is not always true. Following your heart can also equal being completely wrong and slamming your head against the wall (methaphorically speaking, luckily!). But was it then your heart telling you to pick the wrong partner? Or should we just think more rationally?

It is something that I have already given a lot of thought. Making the rational choice can hurt, but in the long term it is almost always the best option.

Personal experience: after the break-up with Redlef he suddenly threw himself at my feet. He really tried to win me over again with flowers, letters, songs,... the whole shabang. I was heartbroken, still loved him so much despite everything he did to me. I saw myself growing old with him, having children, buying a house.. He tried to convince me to give him another chance, that I was all that he wanted and he would change. I was the woman of his dreams, I was the one he wanted to marry. All these words touched me and made me doubt. Should we try again? Could it work?

But then I started thinking rationally. Come on, Claudia. He cheated on you for the entire relationship. He lied to you to your face with a plain face. He is unreliable, a liar, a cheater and furthermore has no future at all. Not to mention his finances (or the lack of them). He was in debt. When pressure get's too high on him, he disappears. It happened several times that I could not reach him for hours. I cried myself to sleep also several times. Is this the life you want to sign up for?

So even though I still loved him, there was too much ratio to follow my heart. I knew that in the end, it would get broken again anyway.

One year later, and in a new (and very happy!) relationship with Vittorio, things are very different. At the start, I also had my concerns. What about the distance Amsterdam-Hasselt? What about the language barrier? Our both ex-files? His ex still living there? Are we both ready for another "fixed" relationship? I had butterflies for him, was for sure interested. Luckily these were all questions and concerns we both had, and could talk about. And both our rational hearts agreed: we will make it work.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Married at first sight

Maybe you've heard it, seen it or read about it before: the episodes of the real-life program "Married at first sight" or MAFS as I will continue to call it. If you haven't, I'll explain briefly what it is:

It was a social experiment that aired on tv last year. Six brave singles got legally married to a complete stranger the first time they met. What? Yes, you read that correctly.

Four specialists – sexologist, Dr. Logan Levkoff; psychologist, Dr. Joseph Cilona; sociologist, Dr. Pepper Schwartz; and spiritual advisor, Greg Epstein – create what they believe are three perfect couples, based on scientific matchmaking. The couples will not meet until they walk down the aisle and see each other face-to-face, for the first time, at the altar. Over the course of several weeks, episodes capture each couple’s journey as they go from wedding, to honeymoon, to early nesting, to the daily struggle of working on their marriage. After several weeks together, each couple must make a decision: do they remain together or decide to divorce?

I was very much intrigued by this experiment. To me, it made sense. I do believe you need some sort of natural chemistry as well of course. And I know this was a television series so probably a lot was also put in scene or dramatised. But think about it: what if you always fall for the same (wrong) type of person? What if you get attracted to assholes who screw you over every time again? Wouldn't it be nice that someone with the same beliefs is matched to you?

Sidenote: I also believe that our relationships would be 'easier' if we all had a 4-headed team of specialists ready to talk about obstacles with us ;-)

One couple in particular sticked in my head from the 1st season: Jamie Otis en Doug Hehner. At first sight, you wouldn't match them. She was a pretty girl, but seemed like a bitch. He wasn't coverbook pretty, but wouldn't call him ugly either. Jamie got a panick attack right after the wedding because she did not feel attracted to Doug at all.


Jamie en Doug right after their wedding
They had 2 completely different backgrounds. He grew up in a nice middle-class, loving family with strong family bonds. She had a troubled childhood, bouncing around various trailer parks due to numerous evictions. Her mother was a drug addict and her stepfather was abusive and left them.

She didn't have much trust in others, and was very suspicious about Doug and his motives. But he, with his patience of an angel broke down her wall. Slowly, Jamie started falling for him.

Her ideal man is someone who is loyal, trustworthy, passionate and successful, who loves her and her siblings, and wants to conquer the world as partners. Doug is exactly that. He is looking for a spouse with a great sense of humor who is equally open, honest, loving, unselfish and goal-oriented.

Jamie is also exactly that, a raw diamond who just needed someone to make her shine. I love this couple so much! They worked so hard on their relationship and really overcame every obstacle that crossed their roads so far! It might take some effort and the road might seem rocky, but they did it! Look at where they are now:


They even announced that they are expecting a baby now!
So yes, I am a fan of MAFS. Are you?

Monday, July 4, 2016

Self-confidence

"Oh c'mon, you have absolutely nothing to be insecure about! You are a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities!"

I wish this was enough to make all my insecurities disappear. But unfortunately, it's not that simple.

Maybe it started when I was 18 years old, and in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with someone who lived 2 hours away. He cheated on me (maybe even multiple times). Or maybe the relationship after that - my longest relationship ever. 2,5 years with a boyfriend who thought he was slightly superior than me. Because let's face it: my field of study was an easy one, something the people without real plans would do. And my face without make-up looked like a 16-year old in her puberty. I should think about heavy antibiotics against the acne. The type that destroys your body from within, but hey: at least you don't have acne anymore. And I already suffered from a weak stomach...

Or maybe it was even later. When I was about 22, and my parents got divorced. My home, the place where I grew up would be sold and I had to move. I had a new relationship at that time with someone even more insecure than me. Or it was just all the weed that he smoked that made him paranoid. Always stating that I have a problem, that I don't talk about my feelings and I don't see that I have a problem. If only I could really see my part why this relationship is going bad, we could make something good out of it!

Or the final one: last year, being with someone who carries you on both hands, surprising you with flowers or sweet notes almost every time you are together. The idea of living together popped up multiple times but he wanted to wait until we created a stable environment. He was just starting as an independent electrician. We could talk for hours, we had the most crazy conversations and everything felt so nice. It seemed like I had found the man of my dreams. Until he started disappearing. Not replying to messages or phone calls. Discovering edgy texts from other girls. Also this was a long distance relationship where we would only see each other in the weekends. This last one was Redlef, the main reason why I started this blog. You can read the developments of our relationship here online. He had this strategy of pulling me close and then pushing me away again, making me feel so vulnerable and insecure about myself. And then, the truth came out: the entire time we were dating, he also had another girlfriend. Me in the weekends and  as the official girlfriend, and her during the week to have sex. This destroyed me, and every last belief in relationships I had.

So tell me, if I am such a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities, why wasn't I treated like one? Why was I only treated like an object for others to feel better about themselves?

People don't realise the damage which is done. The bad things do so much more damage than the sweet things can fix. I became an insecure, scared person who doesn't think very much of herself. I can play a part, and make you believe that I do. But deep down, I'm scarred. And scared. Only a person with a lot of patience will be able to fix this.


But also, deep down, I believe that I am worth fixing. I know that not all men are the same, and I just had bad luck. I am blessed and lucky that Vittorio has the patience of a saint. I'm not an easy one, but once you have my love it is unconditional.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

How to distract yourself from overthinking

For people with separation anxiety, one of the hardest things to do after saying goodbye to your lover is probably keeping your mind quiet. You feel uncomfortable, like there is something wrong. A piece of the puzzle is missing. Restless. You have to keep moving, to stop the brain from overthinking and making you feel sad. There is nothing to be sad about, your rational self knows that, but yet you still feel all alone again. 

For me personally, this is one of the hardest aspects of the separation anxiety. After me and my boyfriend say goodbye, it is hard to come home to an empty appartment where only 15 min before we were still cuddling on the couch. I really have to hold back my tears at these moments. At this point, I think you have 2 options: drown in self-pity or try to find a way to distract yourself.

I have to admit: the times that I drowned in self-pity were also there. It was winter, it was cold(er) or rainy outside or I was on my period. Or worse, a combination of all the above. But ok, crying can also relieve feelings so just let it happen. It's ok.

Today, when my boyfriend left I didn't want to feel sad. In 10 days we leave for Bulgaria on a holiday, so there was plenty to look forward to! I decided to take a walk into the city. The sun was shining, the weather was nice and the summer sales had started. Today was also a shopping sunday wich meant that all the clothing and shoe shops were opened. Hurray! 2 hours, 1 bikini top, a Mac bronzer and some other stuff later, I arrived home. Alone. No. I will not feel sad. I started to put away the stuff I also bought in the supermarket for my dinner tonight. After that, I read a bit in a book.
Around 6, I was pretty hungry so I started preparing dinner. Rice with chicken and sweet-sour sauce.
My go-to meal on sunday when all shops except for Spar are closed in Hasselt. Whilst enjoying my dinner I read a bit more. 15 min later I was done eating. Ok, now what? It's only 18.45, I have an entire evening to fill.

I looked outside, to the blue sky. Unfortunately the weather had not been on our side today, so the boyfriend and I went pooling. We both won 1 game and I had a great time. We laughed with each others stupidity (although, have to say that I 'scored' 5 balls in a row!). Anyway. I felt the need to go outside again, to prevent myself from sobbing on the couch for the rest of the evening. So I thought: let's go skating! I changed clothes, took a bottle of water, my earplugs and my iPad and off I went.

I drove to Stokrooie, and parked my car near the canal. After strapping on my skates and protection, I was ready to go. Rolling on the concrete, wind in my hear and the sun kissing my face. Perfect. Exactly what I needed. Exercice and relaxation at the same time. After about 15 min of skating I was starting to feel tired. My condition is not what it was before, that is for sure! But ok, Rome was also not built on 1 day. I sat down on a bench, took a sip of water and took out my iPad to continue reading. Reading, next to the canal, sun on my head. I'm telling you: if this isn't distracting, then what is?