Period Pains

All women in the world dealing with their period and the 'joy' of period pains that comes with it can probably relate to this post. Mother Nature was in my opinion a bit unfair when she distributed these things. Men get all the fun stuff: the morning erections and wet dreams. We get to go to labour, suffer that damn menstrual cycle every month and everything that comes with it.

For me, the physical part of my period is not the worst. The first 2 days I have some minor to medium cramps, like someone is constantly poking in my uturus. After 5 days I'm usually back to 'normal', whatever that might be.

But the emotional part is the worst for me. A few days before the period, a lot of women suffer from PMS: premenstrual syndrome. A quick Google learns me that this might cause the following: "Common symptoms include acne, tender breasts, bloating, feeling tired. Psychological symptoms can be: depressed feelings, anxiousness, irritability and agression. Often symptoms are present for around six days." 

Well isn't this fun? No, it isn't. I notice these symptoms with myself when I start being even more emotional than I already am normally. The tiniest thing can upset me. I see a sad movie - I cry. I see a happy movie - I cry. If I could sleep for 6 days during this period, I would.

Also relationship wise this is a difficult time for me. In reality, nothing had changed. Vittorio still loves me as much as before. He is not the type to shout it off the rooftops or get too emotional about it. But in my head during this PMS period I am hypersensitive to detect the least change in his words and actions. The poor bastard. He is such a kind, loving and patient person. Sitting in Amsterdam, playing tanks on his tablet. Going to the movies by himself and watching his favourite soccer team play with friends. In between still texting me kisses and letting me know what's up. I notice all these things, and am grateful and appreciative that he keeps up the effort. It soothes my inner bitch during this period ;-)

For I cannot help but being a little more "on edge" and needy. I crave attention even more. No messages for a few hours? He forgot about me. A message but very plain and no kiss? Maybe there's something wrong. And I get upset. Make up scenarios in my head. Almost wanting to pick a fight to make him reassure me again that he still loves me and it's all good. It. Is. So. Exhausting.

That's why for me, "Period Pains" are more psychologically than physically. I suffer more from the first one than from the second one. I am aware of this, luckily and try to fight my inner dragon. I listen to music, read a book, take a walk or... write this blog so I can't pick a fight with him. I will be the one to conquer my inner dragon.

Period Pains. Fuck you.

The price of admission

There is no settling down without some settling for. There is no long-term relationship not just putting up with your partner’s flaws, but accepting them and then pretending they aren’t there. We like to call it in my house “paying the price of admission"

A really nice must-watch video by Dan Savage:

 

 

You can’t have a long-term relationship with someone unless you’re willing to identify the prices of admission you’re willing to pay — and the ones you’re not. But the ones you’re not — the list of things you’re not willing to put up with — you really have to be able to count [them] on one hand…

My boyfriend is a really lovely person. He’s intelligent, funny, and kind and he possesses many other impressive character traits such as playing tank wars on his iPad...

Every once in a while, however, he does something that makes me crazy. For example the idea of hanging his clothes up after he's taken them off is completely foreign to him. My appartment looks like a hurricane has passed when he has been there for a weekend (!).

But ok: fair is fair. I'm quite confident that some of my habits and preferences also trigger some annoyance with him. Maybe it is my autistic traits of having to know what's coming. My clinginess. He probably knows better than me - ehehehe.

I believe that many couples let these kinds of small issues, turn their once-lovely relationships into battlefields. It would probably cost me less time and energy to hang up my boyfriends clothes than lecturing him about it over and over again. When we spend too much energy focusing on the "negative" or annoying, we risk to lose sight of our partner as the intelligent, funny and kind person we fell in love with.

So there is where the price of admission steps in. The personal sacrifices, large and small, that make long-term relationships possible.

In my interpretation of the price of admission, the principle begins with the recognition that both partners are flawed. Deeply so. Repeat after me, “We acknowledge that we are flawed creatures.” It’s not just your partner who is flawed… but also you. (Don’t worry, I also find this part difficult.)

The second understanding of the price of admission is that we are both AMAZING. Not me more than him…not him more than me. We are both talented, interesting and unique souls deserving of love and respect. Nowhere is this more true than within this relationship that we created.

The third understanding is that it is perfectly natural for people who have become very familiar with one another to be annoyed by traits and habits that once charmed them so much.

The fourth and final understanding is that you must learn how to let most of it go. The price of admission – the price that you willingly pay to be with this lovely person who brings so much to your life, with whom you feel utterly safe and heard and at “home” – is that you do not hold on to the toxic little things that are choking the life out of your love and affection for one another.

When I see my love's clothes piled up on the sofa, I remind myself that last night, it was this man who cooked me an amazing dinner even though he was tired from a long day at work. And I recognize that this is the price of admission. And I am more than willing to pay it.

People, when they’re young, have this idea… “There’s someone out there who’s perfect for me There's the one.”

“The one” does not exist. “The one” is a lie. But the beautiful part of the lie is that it’s a lie you can tell yourself.And we then are obligated to live up to the lies we told each other about who we are — we are then forced to be better people than we actually are, because it’s expected of us by each other. And you can, in a long-term relationship, really make your lie-self come true — if you’re smart, and you demand it of them, and you’re willing to give it to them. You have to be willing not to see him chewing with his mouth open, if you want to be around for his better qualities. And then buy into the lie-version where he never does that. Right? And they will hopefully do the same for you.

That’s the only way you become “the one” — it’s because somebody is willing to pretend you are. “The one” that they were waiting for, “the one” they wanted, their “one.” Because you’re not — nobody is.

No two people are perfect for each other, ever, period — No two people are 100% sexually compatible, no two people are 100% emotionally compatible, no two people want the same things.

And if you can’t reconcile yourself to that, you will have no relationships that last longer than two months. And you know what? It’s not going to be their fault — it’s going to be your fault.

The final countdown

Wauw. In 7 weeks I will move to Amsterdam. As I say it, I still can't fully comprehend it.
I am so looking forward to start working there, in a fresh company, in a fresh function and a fresh team. But I am even more looking forward to living with the man of my life there.

But also, I am scared (there we go again :-)). And emotional. I hope Vitto looks forward to it as well. I wish I could read his mind, because he's not as open as I am. Is he really up for it? Or is there a part of him that's not ready yet? I know I'm probably overthinking and overreacting because if he did not love me, he would not have agreed with this in the first place. But I just need to hear the confirmation again and again that I am welcome. Call me insecure, call me crazy but it's just what I need.

The last thing I want is to ruin this for the both of us because of me being anxious.
This feels like a brand new chapter. Principe and Principessa living together, I like the sound of that.

It's probably just my PMS that's acting up here...

Sad feelings

Even though I am moving in with my boyfriend in less than 2 months, I still get sad when we have to say goodbye after having spent the weekend together. Saying goodbye is so hard. Returning to an empty appartment, where only half an hour ago we were still cuddling. I know I should smile and be happy because we have such a good relationship - and I am - but the first moments being back here alone, I can't help but feel sad. And even cry.

Every weekend we spend together I discover new things about my Principe which make me love him even more. This weekend, on Friday evening we were invited for dinner at my dad's and plusmom's. It was really amazing again. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the nice food and the nice atmosphere. Around midnight it was time to go home since we both were pretty tired.

On Saturday we slept in, and after a late breakfast we went food and alcohol shopping for the party later that day. My little nephew Storm was turning 11 and we were invited for swimming and playing games. But first, we decided to defrost my freezer and make it a little more ice-free. Teamwork! Vittorio was using the hammer and spatel to break the ice and in the meantime I was using my hair dryer to make it melt. After all that we were ready to go. At my uncle's we started making cocktails (Lazy Red Cheeks, Mojito's and Sex on The Beach, and also Gin Tonic's) to get the party started. Everyone was loving it (including us, haha). I played a few games of Kubb's and after that Vitto grabbed me and wanted to throw me in the pool. I grabbed his neck and wrapped my legs around him so it was not really possible :-P He put me down and we walked back. I said to my mom: yeah a big mouth but when it comes to it... Before I knew it, Vitto picked me up again and 10 seconds later I found myself in the pool. Luckily he joined as well a bit later :-D

The 2 weeks we spent apart feel like 4 weeks, and the 3 days of weekend only feel like 1. It's so unfair. Writing down all of this makes me feel a bit better. It's like therapy, letting the words come out and also my feelings. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have met him. That we are together. A little over a year ago I met that boy in his silly yellow swimming shorts and now I am moving in with him. And still: the sad feelings are also there when we are separated for a while again. 

And now I'll try to stop being sad and go sort out some stuff before moving...

Things I like about you

Recently, when we were walking the streets of Amsterdam, I asked my amore what he liked about me. And he started making a list of all the things that came to his mind. Tonight, I did the same. But I wrote them down for you - and for me. So I can add more stuff in the future :-) 

I like your amazing blue eyes that grasp my breath every time I look into them.
I like your smile when you look at me or when I make you laugh.
I like your intelligence, your neverending hunger for information.
I like your rational mind and the way you think.
I like your calmness and the way you make me feel calm as well
I like your funny accent when you speak English but you can still hear you're Italian.
I like the hand gestures you make when you're enthusiastically describing something.
I like your chest with only a little bit of hair on it to play with.
I like your way of teasing me when we are apart.
I like how you encourage me to achieve goals in my life.
I like that you like my writing.
I like it that you always wish me goodmorning and goodnight.
I like your attitude towards your parents and how strong your connection is.
I like it when you're next to me on the couch reading but still caressing my leg.
I like it how you make time for me every time I need some attention.
I like your sexy firm ass.
I like the way you look at me and then make that cute happy sigh.
I like your sweet possessive teasing when other men are interested in me.
I like that you like to cook, because cooking together is so much more fun and I need more practice.
I like that you spoil me with your sweet words that make me feel so loved and cherised.
I like that you don't only listen, but also really hear me.
I like that you always make the effort to come to Hasselt, even if it takes you 4h of traveling.
I like your friends.
I like that you have never ever made me feel unwanted or unloved.
I like how cute you look when you are sleeping.
I like it how you make me feel safe without even trying.
I like the way you call me Principessa
I like it when you say sweet Italian things to me.
I like it how we complement each other on so many levels.
I like how we can talk so well about things together.
I like it how you are also learning me to enjoy 'comfortable silences'.
I like to wander around the streets together.
I like how you make love to me.
I like the passion between us.

I like the future we have ahead of us. Us. You and Me. We.
I love you. 

The richest person in the world

Ah, monday nights. Those wonderful evenings I spend thinking about my life.

Where I am, how I feel and where I want to go. This night is no exception. As I was showering, thoughts flooded my mind. That's the funny thing about showering - it feels like together with the water, ideas shower down on you as well. You contemplate your entire life in the shower. And you come out refreshed, in body and mind.

Also, this night is no exception. Now I'm on the couch, in my "Flawless" sleeping top and with my wet hair in a bun writing this. I spent a wonderful weekend again with the people I care about, except for my Principe of course. Friday night, after going for dinner at my grandmother's, my brother had a concert and my mother, grandmother and grandfather were there. Afterwards, we went to their place for a drink and to celebrate my job in Amsterdam.

Saturday I spent on myself and in the evening I went to the bar of my stepbrother where I saw my father and my stepmother and 3 stepbrothers. Sunday afternoon I spent with a friend, going to my stepbrother's bar again where there was a band performing outside. An amazing surprise. I sat on the terrace from 4 pm until 9 pm and enjoyed every minute. Afterwards, my friend and me went for a drink at the city centre and found out there would be a fireworks show in half an hour. We quickly ordered drinks and found a nice spot to watch it. And it exceeded every expectation I had. It was amazing. I felt like a child again, enjoying my very first fireworks. 

And today, I went shopping in Maastricht with my cousin Frauke. In Belgium it was a holiday today so we had to go abroad for shopping. I found a really nice jumpsuit and bought a pretty nice dress for only € 3 in sales. As I sit here on my couch, I feel like the richest person in the world. Not for money or possessions, but for love. No money in the world can buy the people surrounding me. My amazing family, my friends and last but definitely not least my Vittorio. I can only feel grateful to have them in my life. And I am. I will soon go to bed wrapped in my sheets, but filled with love. So tell me: what are you grateful for today?

A new chapter

"Hello, this is Claudia speaking"
- Hi Claudia, this is Marc and Froukje from Travix
"... Yes, hi.."
- There's no need to be so shy because we have good news for you: you've got the job!
"What? Oh my god. Wauw, thank you - I am really really happy!"

- The rest of the conversation is less important ;-) -

I put down the phone, trembling with joy. OH MY GOD I'VE GOT THE JOB!!!!
I could cry of joy. This is so unbelievable! I had 1 job interview, 1 vacancy I was interested in and in barely 2 months I have a job in Amsterdam! I called my manager and informed him with the good news. He was happy for me, but also sad because this meant I am actually leaving now. 

They would send me a job offer and after I agreed upon that they would prepare my contract. Start date: 11 october. 2 months from now. Aaaahhhh in 2 months I have to much to arrange!
Cancel all my contracts at home for water, gas, television. Either sell my furniture or store it for a year. Pack my stuff, get them to Amsterdam. Would I rent a moving company or just do it myself? Will I take my bike or buy a new one? My appartment has to be empty by the end of octobre so my items have to move first, then I need a lift to get all the big stuff out and go to the container park or storage room, and then the appartment has to be cleaned. Ok. No worries, I got this. I am a great planner so I'm sure I'll find a way of making it work.

Back to the job thing. This is actually happening. I will be the Campaign and Content manager for a big brand, in a big city and a big office with 220 people working there. I am moving to Amsterdam. Moving in with my boyfriend. Living together. This is so unbelievable. If you would have told me this one year ago, I would have laughed at you. I never imagined me living abroad. But somehow, I found the inner strength to take this huge leap of faith.

My Principe and I are starting a new chapter together. This is so exciting! I never imagined it going so fast but at the same time it just feels natural and right. Like the next logic step. Last weekend, I was in Amsterdam. Originally for the Gay Canal Pride, but as you read in a previous blogpost, Travix invited me for the 2nd and 3rd interview rounds on Wednesday. Interview with Business case to present on Monday. I went to my Principe on Friday with a lot of stress for this interview. I had to prepare a presentation about a fictional campaign I would do for Cheaptickets. Define target audience, orientation and decision making phase, online channels, how to measure. It has been a while since I had to do something like this but my Principe was amazing.

He gave me a book with amazing guidelines and let me work in peace. He went to the dry cleaning to drop off his costume, whilst I was working. In the afternoon, we had 'some' people over at the appartment to watch the Canal Parade from our window. With some people I mean about 20-25. It was pretty crowded, but also very nice! I talked to a lot of friends of Vittorio's, laughed A LOT and before I knew it, the day had passed. The Parade was over and people started leaving to go to the pub for another drink. Or 2. Honestly, I was exhausted. 8h of having people over and constantly talking is energy-consuming. Luckily, Vittorio felt the same way and we decided to stay home. 2 other guys came over for a coffee until 11pm but that was it. After they left, Vittorio said to me "I heard so many good things about you today and people liked you so much, I just cannot let you go anymore". This made my heart smile, and therefore my face as well. He is just so cute!

The day after the stress was back because I still had so much to do! Vitto went to a friend in the afternoon when I worked on the case and in the evening he went to the cinema when I worked on the case. I was sick and tired of spending the entire day on the couch working on that case but I had to finish! When Vitto came back from the cinema, we looked at my presentation together and he adapted some things here and there. It was 95% done when we went to bed. That day I realised what our lives would be like living together. Now, when visiting each other in the weekends we want to make every minute count so we don't do stuff apart. That Sunday spent mainly alone was a reality-check that this would be more like it. And I am ok with that.

It's funny, but since I got the confirmation that I have the job I have this feeling of "peace of mind". I feel so safe and secure in this relationship. So loved and cared for. One year ago I was like a scared little bird with a broken wing. Today I feel like a big, powerful Phoenix, ready to spread out my enormous wings and fly. Destination: a new chapter.

Inner calm and peace of mind

Yesterday I spent the entire day on myself. I woke up around 9.30, had breakfast and cleaned my appartment thoroughly because my landlord would come to take pictures of it. I enjoyed the cleaning and liked making my appartment "picture perfect". When the landlord had passed by, I changed clothes, grabbed my stuff and walked to the city centre. First goal: the Pandora shop. I had set my mind on the "Princess ring" and went straight for my target. 3 min later I walked out the shop with this beauty on my ring finger: 

My Precious <3  IT'S SO PRETTYYY

It was already 3 pm now and since I skipped lunch I was pretty hungry by now, so I started browsing for food. I walked to The Century (which is my favourite food place in Hasselt) and found myself a nice place on the terrace, in the sun. Aahh, lovely. I checked the menu but didn't feel like ordering a full meal since it was already way past lunch time. I figured, let's just order a snack and so I went for the "moelleux au chocolat". As I sat there, waiting for my order I enjoyed. The beautiful day, the sun on my skin, the people buzzing around me. It was just me on the terrace, but I was peaceful. Calm. After about 10 min my moelleux came - and it wasn't moelleux on the inside, grr :'( . But ok. I still enjoyed every scoop of it. After my snack break, I continued my strolling through the city. Went to a few shops, bought some stuff, reached my steps goal (doubled it even!) and around 6 pm it was time to go home. Well first to the supermarket to get stuff to prepare dinner.

I decided a healthy mind should also have a healthy body so I would go for grilled eggplant and zucchini with cherry tomatoes, avocado and raw salmon. As I collected that stuff at the supermarket, again I noticed this feeling of inner calm and strength in me. I felt strong, complete and happy. I went home, prepared my dinner and sat down the table to eat it mindfully. Not watch television while eating, but just sit, eat and be. No distractions. And I liked it.

The bottom line for this post is that I really enjoyed spending a day 'on my own'. I didn't HAVE to do anything but COULD to everything. I went where I wanted to, when I wanted to and came home when I was tired. I struggled for a long time to do things on my own, because I never really learned to be. I always prefered company. Now that I think about it, I guess it also had to do with my insecurities and my need to feel save and loved. Doing things alone can be scary when you don't feel confident about yourself. I am 27 now and I can finally say: I am ok with myself and by myself.

Home is where the heart is

A couple of months ago, my boyfriend and me started talking about moving in together. We almost knew each other for a year, the Long Distance Relationship was tiring because there was always something going on with the trains. Strikes, cancelled trains. More than once I had to drive an hour to Antwerp or Leuven to pick him up at a station because he could not get further. Very frustrating, and time and gas-consuming. In december my rental contract for my appartment will end, and I would have to get a new contract for at least 1 year.

Did we really want to go back and forth for one more year? We were both not very keen on that idea. I prefer to just take the jump and move in together. If it works out: super. If it doesn't: too bad. But at least we know it sooner then. He agreed with me. Ok, so I should start looking for a job in Amsterdam. This could take a while. There is no hurry in it either. I should find a job that really suits me. So I started looking. And pretty fast I found something that I liked. Very much. So I prepared my resumé in English, wrote a motivational letter and sent it out. Shortly after that, I got a reply from the company with some extra questions, and if these questions matched their expectations they would invite me to some online tests.
Wow. I answered their questions, got a mail back that it was indeed a match and was invited to the tests.

After passing the tests, I got invited to a 1st job interview (which was the day before yesterday). It was via Skype so I did not have to travel 6h back and forth to Amsterdam for a 1h interview. It went very well and smooth and both parties agreed that it was a nice 1st interview. I would hear from them before the end of the week if I was selected for the 2nd and 3rd interview. Today I got an e-mail that I am selected for part 2 and 3.

Wow wow wow. This is all going pretty fast. What happened to taking it nice and easy? In only 2,5 months I went from slowly applying to almost having a job. And I will be perfectly honest about it: I am terrified. If I get the job, I will leave everything behind and move to Amsterdam, to my Principe. I have never taken a leap of faith this big. Normally I would be in charge, in the 'safe' position. Now I depend fully on him. If he doesn't want to continue his life with me, I am being kicked out. And then what? Back to Belgium? Can I afford to stay in Amsterdam all by myself?

Sshhhht Claudia. Stop with this overthinking again. But I just like to know what I'm up for. Have a plan B in my head. But as my best friend told me: if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. And that is a piece of wisdom I cannot deny.

I am scared of a lot of things. Feeling alone, missing family and friends, that it might go wrong between Vitto and me. That we are rushing it. To get hurt.

But I also look forward to so many things: living together for the 1st time with someone who also has a stable job and income, who loves me 200%, a new job in a big company, a new and exciting city, making new friends.

Of course putting 2 different people with 2 different backgrounds in 1 house is quite the challenge. I don't expect rainbows and unicorns. But I am sure we will work it out. Because I love him, and I know he loves me. And then it doesn't matter where I live geographically. Home is where the heart is. And my heart is with him.