A funny title, right? The fear to cheat... Why would you be scared to cheat on someone? Just don't do it, it's as easy as that - right? But what if it isn't?
I read this article recently by a relationship therapist about cheating that put me to thinking again. The title was "Are you unfaithful when you kiss someone else?"
Description article:
Infidelity is described as a term that covers many things. From the once-in-a-lifetime drunken kiss with a colleague to the years long secret affair. A world of difference, also when it comes to impact on the partner and the relationship.
Apparently some people are bound to cheat "easier" than others. On average 1 out of 3 people cheat. Wow. That is a lot! Even though the biggest group makes the consideration: I might feel something for this person and he/she is attractive but I will resist the temptation. Because I have a partner to whom I promised to stay faithful to. Or because there are children who assume mom and dad are a team and there will not be a 3rd person.
But what struck me the most was what makes a person go overboard. It depends on the relationship you are in obviously and if you are happy with it. But also - and even more - of your emotional functioning. The things you saw and learned at home, your self-confidence and self image, your previous relationship experiences. If you, for instance have a low self image and you don't find enough attention and confirmation in your relationship, you are more susceptible to adultery. Because yes, of course your ego gets an enormous boost of this new fling who puts you on a pedestal. For some people this pattern can even show some pathological symptoms, in the sense that they always need a new conquest to experience the same feeling. It's a well that never gets filled, a form of separation anxiety: you want the appreciation of your partner so much that it is never enough and you seek it elsewhere all the time.
Conclusion of the article: adultry is destructive. Relationships start from a romantic love ideal, with
exclusivity as the most important condition. 1 to 1 relationships Ensure a bond that is fulfilling, unique and safe. But not everyone was given an equal "equipment" to maintain this exclusivity and loyalty. It's not a judgement, but a fact.
Link to article here
After reading this article I felt a bit nauseous. I know I was not given the right equipment to start with, due to a childhood trauma and the divorce of my parents about 5 years ago. I also know that I need more attention than the average normal person in my relationship. But am I therefore more likely to cheat? I just became a little more scared with myself. This is not what I want to do or want to become. I want a happily ever after with 1 person...
Monday, September 26, 2016
Monday, September 19, 2016
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Mind Reading
Here we are again. It's sunday night and after a lovely weekend with my boyfriend I am back at my appartment - alone. I don't feel particularly sad - just a bit emotional. Weekends go so much faster when we are together!
We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!
Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.
Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".
It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...
And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?
I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...
We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!
Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.
Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".
It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...
And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?
I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Major decision? Toss a coin
Recent research has shown that we value important life choices too much. We are too careful when it comes to changing our lives. Whether it's our relationship, our job or where we live: it doesn't happen that often that we give up our status quo for the unknown.
The research was done amongst 20.000 test persons who had to make a big decision in life. Instead of making a rational decision, they were asked to toss a coin and to have their decision based on heads or tails. 2 months later, they were asked what they had done and about 13% followed the result of the coin. These people were further questioned to determine what the 'random' effect of their choice was. For some of them, it involved a major decision related to their job, relationship or family. Other ones had to deal with minor choices like a new hair color or getting a tattoo.
After 6 months they were asked to evaluate their happiness. From the scores the contestants gave themselves, it turned out that especially the ones that made more dramatic life choices, were happier than before the experiment. They gave themselves on average 2 points more than before, on a scale of 1 to 10. Also their friends and family, who were involved in this test, confirmed this score. Especially the decision to end a relationship or to quit a job, turned out to have a lot of impact. Minor changes like a new hair color or a tattoo had a much smaller influence on the feelings of happiness of the test persons.
If you're torn apart between something new and the unknown: actually between doing something and doing nothing - then go for the adventure. The chances are pretty high it makes you happier.
The research was done amongst 20.000 test persons who had to make a big decision in life. Instead of making a rational decision, they were asked to toss a coin and to have their decision based on heads or tails. 2 months later, they were asked what they had done and about 13% followed the result of the coin. These people were further questioned to determine what the 'random' effect of their choice was. For some of them, it involved a major decision related to their job, relationship or family. Other ones had to deal with minor choices like a new hair color or getting a tattoo.
After 6 months they were asked to evaluate their happiness. From the scores the contestants gave themselves, it turned out that especially the ones that made more dramatic life choices, were happier than before the experiment. They gave themselves on average 2 points more than before, on a scale of 1 to 10. Also their friends and family, who were involved in this test, confirmed this score. Especially the decision to end a relationship or to quit a job, turned out to have a lot of impact. Minor changes like a new hair color or a tattoo had a much smaller influence on the feelings of happiness of the test persons.
If you're torn apart between something new and the unknown: actually between doing something and doing nothing - then go for the adventure. The chances are pretty high it makes you happier.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Terrified/Hopeful
"What if I fall?"
Oh, but my darling
what if you fly?
The last few days I've been feeling really restless.
It's really dawning on me that the time is getting shorter here.
In less than one month I will live in Amsterdam.
As everything is getting arranged now (the packing, selling my furniture, making appointments for their pick-up, having people over to watch the appartment) it's like I'm getting cold feet.
Yes, I still want to be with Vittorio.
and yes, I still want to move to Amsterdam.
But I'm so scared.
Scared of it going wrong. Scared that it will not work out.
Scared that we made this decision too soon. Scared that we are just not compatible.
Scared that I will just feel lonely. Scared that I will not get used to the city.
Scared that I will not like my new job. Scared that my new job will not like me.
I know there's a solution to everything. I can move back to Belgium if it doesn't work out. There's plenty of people who are willing to give me a temporary sleeping place. I can get another job if I don't like it or it doesn't like me. I can try some new hobbies to meet new people. Make Skype appointments with current friends and family.
It's just something that is so far out of my comfort zone.
But maybe it's the best decision of my life?
What if it exceeds everything I was even too afraid to dream?
What if we become this amazing couple that only needs half a word to understand each other?
What if we never fight and have sex every night?
What if I farted glitter?
Errr.. ok. Too far.
I didn't mean to make this post too emotional. But the thing is: it's probably somewhere in the middle. I'm sure we will have our fights and disagreements. I'm sure we are different in many areas but also alike in so many others. I'm sure that I am sociable enough to make new friends, even though it takes time. I can do this.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Emotional Relapse
The past few weeks, I was doing pretty well when it came to Emotional Stability. My emotions were under control, even when I was on my period (!). I learned to be more comfortable on my own, being alone and all by myself. I didn't really feel "on edge" or nervous anymore. Ok, I had my moments where I needed some attention but it was all pretty cool.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Life is like a camera
I came across this image on Facebook or Pinterest (don't remember) but I could not help to think how true it is. Life is a learning process. When you're young, you think you're so smart and know already everything. It's only later you realise that you really didn't.
You fell face down probably 10 times but got up again 11. Every time we take another shot, we learn something new. Reflecting back at my past relationships, I can say that I learned from each and every one of them. To be less naïve, to be less clingy, to be more independent, to express what I need more rather than to expect the other one to know.
My pictures were often blurry so I took many new shots. I captured the good times and developed so much throughout the years. Getting older also brings peace of mind, so I am realising. Things I stressed about 10 years ago are now so unimportant. Realising the things that matter to me, that I value in life are now so much more top-of-mind.
Moving forward. Having a good, stable relationship. A nice work environment where I am stimulated and motivated. A good work-life balance. Quality time with friends and family. Traveling. Reading. Lazy Sundays. Learning new things. Studying Italian. Yoga class. Getting physically in shape again. Being Happy. Being Healthy.
Those are my life goals. All equally important. My focus is on all of them. Thanks to the negative things I developed from, I know now more than ever what matters in life.
Camera ready? Let's start taking some pictures!
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