Saturday, January 21, 2017

Take the leap of faith

Sometimes, when I am walking the streets of Amsterdam here, I can still not comprehend that I actually did this. Me, the girl that lived and grew up in a tiny village of about 600 people, now lives in a world city of almost 800.000. Crazy. But I did it. I took the leap of faith.

Vitto and me had just met each other a year ago when I applied for a job here. A few months later I moved in with him. 4 months later, here we are. 

It feels like my life has just fully started now. A few years ago, I felt like I was just doing something. I had my first job, then my second. I learned a lot, but it did not feel like I could fully develop there.
I had relationships, also sometimes whilst already knowing they were going nowhere. After my heartbreak with Redlef, it was never my plan to dive into a new relationship so fast. I was sceptic, my family was sceptic. But there he was, all of a sudden in my life: Vittorio.

Maybe it was too soon. But it also felt like something I could not let slip. So I didn't. I went 200% for this new relationship. And I can tell you: I am happier than I have ever been in my life. So please, take the leap of faith when you feel it is too precious to let go of. 

And let me finish by just showing you some pictures of where I am today:






Saturday, January 14, 2017

Separation anxiety relapse

"Ciao amore, see you in one week". As he turned around and walked away - without even giving me one last kiss by the way - I felt my stomach shrink. Please don't go...

The idea of being entirely alone tomorrow made me feel so anxious again. Of course I know it is just one week. Before we did not see each other for 3-4 weeks. But now it is different. We live together, we are used to being together a lot. Vittorio is my home, my safe haven. Our life together is my happy place.

I am a strong woman, I've been through a lot in life. But the anxiousness and not feeling safe thing has always been the red wire throughout my life. When my parents divorced and the house I grew up in was sold and I had to move, I did it without blinking my eyes. After all, a house is not a home if your loved ones are not there. It is just a pile of bricks. The people who you share it with, they are your home. As much as I enjoy living in Amsterdam, in this beautiful appartment I could never afford on my own, it doesn't bring me joy to be here alone. Of course, I can enjoy a few hours of me-time. But being alone in a strange city, with my friends and family more than 3 hours away and my safe haven even more, I feel very small. 

I decided to make a plan. With a goal in mind, it is so much easier to get through the week. Today I will go into the city and see if I can find a new floor mat to put in the kitchen. The bamboo mats have become ripped anyway. Tomorrow, when Sara is gone, I will start cleaning the appartment. Vacuuming, arranging stuff, maybe take the blue plastic boxes back to Albert Heijn so that's cleared. Do some laundry, dye our pillows because I ruined them with my facial cream. Ok, sounds like a good plan to make it through the weekend. Oh and what will I eat tonight? I will think about it when I am walking. Let's go!

2 hours and 100 euro lighter, I arrived home. Without floor mat. But with a new pair of boots, 4 new red placemats for the kitchen (the old ones are also worn out), laundry detergent and softerener and make-up cleanser and cotton pads. Right. I dropped of the stuff and decided to go to Albert Heijn, because I made up my mind about dinner. It would be spare-ribs with a honey glaze joined by a salad with tomatoes, corn and avocado. Perfect. Combined with watching Grey's Anatomy.

And so, my saturday has passed. I walked 5 kilometers, did my 10.000 steps, did not eat too unhealhty and did not feel too sad. But boy, will I be happy when my man walks through that door again...

Monday, January 9, 2017

3 month milestone

In 2 days I will be living and working in Amsterdam for 3 months. 3 months already! Isn't it unbelievable how time flies? Although I have to confess that it feels like much longer that I've lived here. Reading some previous posts of mine about my fear to move here feel so surreal now. The truth is, I fell in love with Amsterdam. Like a fish in the sea, I feel so comfortable here!

The new job is still going very well - I am learning something new every day and have a lot of cool colleagues who are there to help if you need them. I am happy I took the leap of faith.

As for Vittorio, I am even more happy I did this. Our relationship has grown so much since! Every day the scared, insecure inner child is soothed and therefore is less and less present. I feel loved, cherished, appreciated, respected and so much more. Of course I still have my attention-craving moments ;-)

I like it how we have developed our own 'language' towards each other. I understand his rhythm better. Also thanks to a few books (the perfect woman is a bitch / men are from mars and women from venus). The first one taught me to be less soft and subservient and speak up more. The second one taught me better the differences between men and women. When Vitto comes home, he wants to entwine and destress from the day by playing tanks on his iPad. Us, women, we want to talk about the day in order to entwine and destress. It is good to understand we are different and we have different ways of coping with situations and things. It really helps me in this relationship.

The past holidays I met his parents by the way! We spent Christmas in the mountains (San Vigilio) and New Year's at his place (Valdagno). His parents were super nice to me and I think they like me as well. Grateful to be a bit more part of his life now :-) Another milestone!

Anyway, this is just a short update about my life :) No big lessons today!


Claudia