Que sera, sera

The thing we, planners, probably hate the most is when something doesn't go according to plan.You feel frustrated, dissapointed, sad and just overall annoyed. Also I plead guilty here. It's just once again an overwhelming feeling that for me is very hard to get over.

Not for little things, like a train that is delayed or cancelled, but for other things that are important to me. Maybe the consequences of a train being cancelled. When your lover is supposed to come by train but can't get there because of a strike. It's not their fault, it's not your fault and yet you feel all those feelings. At first, you might want to react according to them, but let's take a moment, take a step back and evaluate the situation here.
Ask yourself the following 4 questions:

1. Will getting worked up make you feel beter?
2. Will it help solve the situation?
3. Will it improve your mood?
4. Will complaining about it improve your partner's mood? 

If you answered "no"on all the above questions the best thing to do is take a deep breath in, and exhale deeply out again. The situation is what it is. We agree that we cannot change it. So what can we do? We can look for a solution and if there isn't any, just make the best out of it. I can see if I can pick him up somewhere, and if that is not possible we can find him a place to sleep and he can try again the day after.

Even getting a flat tire on the highway and having to call car assistance can be turned around into a nice picknick next to the highway. The trick is to try to turn the situation around and see the positive side, or not have the bad luck ruin everything for you.

Of course, it is easier said than done. When you are having a bad day, or already feeling tired or emotional, looking at the bright side might be a mountain that's a little too high to climb.
That's ok. Breath in and breath out. When you think back on the situation in a month or even a week, will feeling like this be worth it? It's a cliché, but every second you spend angry or upset is a moment of happiness you will never get back.

Que sera, sera. If we cannot change it, we might as well go with the flow.

And then...

"And then without even realizing it, with no warning at all, you will finally meet the one person that will end up meaning the world to you. Their presence in your life will enhance everything around you. Your attitude will become more pleasant. Your goals and dreams will seem like they are more attainable. They won't judge you or make you feel unappreciated. It will never be perfect timing but, you both will still manage to fit into each other's lives perfectly. You both will never have the perfect relationship but, this relationship will feel like it's the easiest relationship you have ever been in. You will help each other grow. You will encourage each other during the hardest times. You both will keep each other lifted when life wants to keep you both down. You really can't put a price on having a true companion in your corner to go through life with. The right person will make you feel like a weight has been lifted. They will help you breathe easier."


I come across beautiful or inspirational quotes almost every day. Comes with following those pages on social media ;-) Just reading them makes me hopeful about my future as well.
I used to believe that my prince on a white horse would be a love at first sight thing, crazy butterflies, that it all clicks from the first moment and everything is picture perfect. And if it's not, it's not true love.

As I grew older, I started realizing that I was hoping for the impossible. Relationships are never picture perfect. How can it ever be when you put 2 different characters with different backgrounds and values together? It takes time to get to know one another and to accept the other for who they are. Expecting them to change for you or having to change for them will not work in the long term. It's always possible to compromise of course.

I am an extremely emotional person who needs a lot of attention when in a relationship. I know this of myself, and so does my boyfriend. He on the other hand is more on himself and calm, independent. I'm not saying that I depend on him, but what I mean is that he is completely comfortable with being alone, where I tend to prefer to have people around.

I think we found a good way in between with hearing each other every morning, evening and a couple of times in between during the day. We have a Long Distance Relationshop (LDR) going for now (he in Amsterdam, me in Belgium) so that doesn't really help with the emotions and the attention, ahem. Luckily he understands my need to hear from him a lot, and I understand that he needs his me-time as well. I try not to bother him all the time and he tries to text me more. Because we value each other and each others feelings.

So no, this was not an 'instant click' thing. It is something we discussed and indicated what we both needed. I think it's beautiful when you can develop a good, strong relationship like that. Communication is key. You cannot expect the other person to know what is going on in your head and how you see things. And if you are different on some areas, talk about it and see if you can compromise. 

What yoga brought me

About 1,5 year ago my anxiety was pretty bad. I felt very insecure and anxious most of the time. In that period I was also seeing a therapist to help me get back on track. She advised me to do Yoga to calm my inner self. Yoga? An hour of humming on a mat? How would that help? I was very sceptic at first. But ok, I am open to try new things, especially when it's on doctor's orders.

I searched online for yoga classes near Hasselt. After comparing a few I decided to go for Takeayoga.be, with teacher Els Sevenants. I still remember entering the "classroom", with the yoga mats spread out and the teacher sitting there. "Hi, welcome! You are lucky to have your first lesson today, it will be calm so I have time to talk you through it". When everyone arrived, we started with a warm-up stretching to loosen the muscles. Neck bends, arm stretches, planking and then... my first downward facing dog. Uuughhh this is hard! But Els is a very good teacher and her voice guided me through everything perfectly. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first in those crazy poses, and sweat was already starting to drip down my spine.

After what felt like 15 min, Els instructed us to lie flat on our back on the mat, with hand palms facing up next to our bodies. She put on a nice, soothing music and then I realised the 1st class was already over! This was cool-down. I did an internal body check with myself, and I felt calm, stretched and warm. Peaceful. This entire hour, I thought about absolutely nothing. I was too busy focusing on my body and the flow we were in.

The day after, I was not so happy. My muscles were incredibly sore! For all the people who think yoga is not exercice: you are wrong! It might not be as intense as fitness, but it does stretch your muscles and build up strenght. And from that moment on, I had my weekly yoga appointment on Tuesday. And that 1,5 hour is complete me-time. I let go of my anxiety, my overthinking, my to-do lists and chores. I focus on my breathing, my positions and how my body feels. And afterwards, I feel at peace.

The 21st of June was international Yoga day, and that is why I wanted to dedicate this post to what it has brought me. More inner peace, a stronger spirit and for sure stronger muscles!
A special shout-out as well to my yoga-group and teacher Els Sevenants. You all are amazing people and can't wait for the Summertime Sessions to start!

Namasté.

It's in the little things

Today was such a beautiful day here in Belgium! After weeks of rain, we could use some sunbeams. I enjoyed it by taking a walk and reading a book on a bench in the park. As I felt the wind going through my hair and the sun warming my face, I felt so peaceful and happy. Everything about that moment was absolutely perfect. I felt grateful. Grateful for the nice and warm sun, for the nice book, for my health, for my wealth, for my great family and friends and for my amazing boyfriend. 

I believe we all should build in little moments to appreciate what we have. I think nowadays the focus is too much on what we don't have. It doesn't make people any happier. A couple of weeks ago I read an interview with a 80-year old woman who said that in her younger years, all people cared about was how to put food on the table every day. The poor families of now are still richer than the poor families of then. Nowadays, we have so much and yet we are not happy. We always want more and bigger. Life became a competition of having the biggest house, the biggest car on the driveway, the highest position in the company. But at what price? Burn-out rates have never been higher. Therapists have waiting lists. More than 60% of marriages turns out in divorce again. We are never happy with what we have.

It made me think. I had to admit that in the past I was more materialistic than I am now. It is something that also my boyfriend thaught me. He is not a man of expensive gifts or jewellery and he absolutely hates bouquets of flowers. He thinks they are useless. In the past, I liked to be pampered with gifts from my boyfriends. But now, I prefer to have experiences rather than gifts. For Christmas last year, the boyfriend and I went on a 2-day journey to the spa. Just relax and enjoy quality time together. It was perfect. I wouldn't have wished for anything else.

My ex used to buy me flowers a lot, and I can't say that I didn't like it. But afterwards, when I found out he cheated on me for the entire relationship, I hated the flowers. It felt like he was trying to buy my love or forgiveness. Don't give me presents. Give me loyalty, honesty, real love. Appreciate me for all that I am, with all my perfect imperfections. If the grass seems greener on the other side, you should worry about watering and fertilizing your own grass.

And remember: it is in the little things.

How your attachment style impacts your relationship

Our style of attachment affects everything: from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress and to, sadly, how they end. That is why recognizing our attachment pattern can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. As I discussed in a previous post, an attachment pattern is established in early childhood and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood. This model of attachment influences how each of us reacts to our needs and how we go about getting them met. When there is a secure attachment pattern, a person is confident and self-possessed and is able to easily interact with others, meeting both their own and another’s needs. However, when there is an anxious or avoidant attachment pattern and a person picks a partner who fits with that maladaptive pattern, they will most likely be choosing someone who isn’t the ideal choice to make them happy.

For example, the person with a working model of anxious/preoccupied attachment feels that in order to get close to someone and have their needs met, you need to be with your partner all the time and get reassurance. To support this perception of reality, they choose someone who is isolated and hard to connect with. The person with a working model of dismissive/avoidant attachment has the tendency to be distant, because their model is that the way to get your needs met is to act like you don’t have any. He or she then chooses someone who is more possessive or overly demanding of attention. In a sense, we set ourselves up by finding partners that confirm our models.

Research has shown that about 60 percent of people have a secure attachment, while 20 percent have an avoidant attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment.

Let's discuss each type a bit more:

Secure Attachment – Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships. Children with a secure attachment see their parent as a secure base from which they can venture out and independently to explore the world. A secure adult has a similar relationship with their romantic partner, feeling secure and connected, while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely. Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. Securely attached couples don’t tend to engage in a “Fantasy Bond,” an illusion of connection that provides a false sense of safety. In a fantasy bond, a couple foregoes real acts of love for a more routine, emotionally cut-off form of relating.

Anxious Preoccupied Attachment – Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away. Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.”

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment – People with a dismissive avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They may seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” taking on the role of parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts. Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection. Nevertheless, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them. They are often psychologically defended and have the ability to shut down emotionally. Even in heated or emotional situations, they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. For example, if their partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would respond by saying, “I don’t care.”

Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state of being afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to; they can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go towards others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others. As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. A person with fearful avoidant attachment may even wind up in an abusive relationship.

Does this mean you are stuck with your attachment style forever? I'll explain more in my next post!
I tend to lean more towards the Anxious Preoccupied type.

Resistance and passing the test

As a person who is afraid of being abandoned or being left alone, I test people.
It is sometimes stronger than myself. I have to know that you are truthful, honest, sincere. I cannot trust on just words anymore. I need to see if, feel it.

Words can be hollow. The I love you's of today can be the get out's of tomorrow. But if you show me you care, I can rely on that.

The thing is... You have passed every test so far. When I get stubborn about feeling unnoticed or neglected, you break down my wall with all your patience. My emotions or fears don't seem like a burden to you at all, but a challenge you have to work around. And when I notice that, all resistance drops.

I get to see the beautiful person that you are again and again. You make the effort and have the patience to remove every last brick to get to the core. And the core, I can tell you, is where all beauty is to be found.

And the times I feel neglected, I know you didn't stop loving me. Of course you still have other things  to worry about. But darling, what is 10 seconds of your time in a day of 86400?