Are you there for me?

What is seperation anxiety?

It's an unrest, an overwhelming panic sometimes, that people experience everytime they have the feeling that the other is not or not enough there for them or when they think someone else is threatening their relationship. It has its roots very often already in childhood, where parents were too caring, protecting or pampering. This caused the children not to learn how to be emotionally independent and that it is perceived as something threatening. Or parents were not available or inconsistenly. Children then try to get the attention by acting anxious, clingly, pretending to be ill or incompetent; searching for a lot of physical proximity to get the attention of the parents. Loss experiences can also lead to separation anxiety attachment behavior: the premature death of father or mother, precarious or stressful life situations.

"I can't do this alone"
People with seperation anxiety often have a low self-esteem: they are convinced they can't make it alone, that they are lost without the other one. They are also convinced the other doesn't really value them, experiences them as weak and uninteresting, causing their fear to be abandoned to increase.

Never leave me
In love you have 2 types of anxious attached: those are scared of not getting enough love, attention and confirmation and those who are mainly scared of being left. The first don't fall in love easily - as they are insecure about their judging capacities and therefore of a life partner. They are looking for security, clarity and want it before they show their vulnerabilities.  The other has to make a great effort to convince them of their good intentions. Ironically, contrary to what they desire, they often find themselves to be "professional hunters": men or women who think the chase is better than the catch. Which naturally makes for what they wanted to avoid: open up to someone who then dumps them anyway.

The second group usually dives in fast - too fast. They feel butterflies in their stomach every 5 minutes - they are up for it immediately. They tend to get very personal very fast - showering the other party with attention and gifts. They won't let go of the other one anymore and will also insist on a future with two very soon.

The faces of separation anxiety
This anxiety has many facets. It's pretty much impossible to make a list of all appearances, but these are the most common:

• Is very admiring, confirming in the first contact and will devaluate herself
• Is dependant
• Chronically activated adhesive system causing them to feel often in a relationship like their needs are not being fulfilled.
• Looking for fusion, symbiosis in a relationship and for that reason are extremlely likely to adapt
• Have difficulties accepting differences in a relationship -they want the other person to be like themselves as much as possible
• Have difficulties ending a relationship, even if it's going really bad, just because they are scared of ending up alone.
• Often thinks the worst of situations
• Worries about relationships in general
• Often has the feeling of having no control over things
• Is often overwhelmed by the feeling of anxiety
• Provokes conflicts to get attention
• Can act very dominant to get controle over the relationship and the other
• Can be very attentive, loving and caring but also their they can be too intense.

Seperation anxiety is onfortunately without a remedy. It's a way of looking at yourself, the other and the relationship and experiencing this as "the truth", as how it is.

I did not write this article myself, I copied it from Rika Ponnet's blog (in dutch) because I recognise myself so deeply in the underlined things.

Unfortunately knowing this about myself doesn't mean I can turn it around. It's like the article says: in the moment itself it is my truth, how I perceive it to be. Give me time to cool down or calm me down by talking to me about it but don't tell me i'm imagining things or that it's not true. I won't believe you.