I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your smile

You're all I've ever wanted,

and my arms are open wide

'Cause you know just what to say

And you know just what to do

And I want to tell you so much,

I love you

It's only a part of a beautiful song, but it reminds me so much about my Vittorio. Today, this blog makes me smile. There used to be very different times... I'm still scared or insecure at times, but it's really getting easier and easier for me. In about 1,5 months Vitto and me will have met 2 years ago in Italy. It's so incredible to see how much I have grown personally since then. Hands down, he is the most amazing person I've ever been with.

We haven't had a single fight so far (touch wood) - mainly thanks to his amazing patience. I know how stubborn I can act for stupid little things. I asked him last week how and mostly why he is the one that still keeps coming back to hug and kiss me, even when I'm the one overreacting.

He replied: well, I just remind myself that you are my Principessa and that I love you too much to make a thing of it.

This made me choke up. 

Every time I act up he still has this everlasting patience to reach out to make me smile and feel loved. Even when I don't deserve it. And he will say that I do.

I have never felt so loved and cherished in a relationship before. My anxiety is really dropping and this is really the greatest gift he could give me (besides a wedding ring and children, of course ;-) ). It's unbelievable what a difference a good relationship can make.

Our power is that we give each other space and time to develop ourselves whilst also making sure we stay entwined together. This year already we have been to Florence and just returned from a Festival trip with friends to Croatia (with extra stops in Vienna, Ljubljana and Graz. On the planning: Canary Islands, a long weekend in Porreta Terme (where we met) and a week in Taormina (with his parents). We make sure to spend quality time together (I'm like an eagle guarding his work-life balance). And I feel it's this that is making it so much easier for me to have faith and trust.

Also now: we came back from Croatia and he had to stay at the airport to fly to Italy for work again for a week. I was scared I would be very upset and sad about it. But here I am, on our couch, feeling nothing but grateful for this wonderful person in my life. I know we have to part sometimes but I also know we will come back together.

In the airplane today I was just staring at him and I thought: god, I love you so much. Look at that cute, slightly tanned face with the little, sexy beard. And his full, rosy and incredibly good kissing lips. And the cherry on the cake: his eyes. greyishly blue/green with a hint of yellow in the middle. He's a treasure. And I'm cherishing him so much!

Xoxo

Claudia

Waves

Yesterday I was mean to him for no reason.

I came home from work really annoyed. I don't know why, nothing happened or anything. He texted me around 6 to let me know he would finish one call and then come home. At 6.30 he texted me he would leave in 5 min. Again this annoyed me. When he eventually came home, he was his nice and sweet self. He came to kiss me as usual and gave me a hug. I still could not let it go, During the day, I texted him "thank you for being you". He did not read the message, but was online at 16:09. I asked him what that was all about. He must've thought I had gone crazy. He wanted to finish a work mail and then would hear how my day went. After sending the work mail he said: ok, now a quick call to my parents and then I start to prepare dinner. Irritated I said: oh right, those are your priorities, right? Work, your parents, dinner and than me. Thanks. During dinner he got some messages from colleagues, and he replied to them, instead of making time for me. Fine, I said, I'll take my phone as well so we can both be anti-social.

After dinner, we wanted to watch an episode of Breaking Bad, but it seemed I was missing that one episode. So we logged in to Netflix to watch. Afterwards Vitto wanted to read, so I put on the movie P.S. I love you. And then the tears started to come. I just needed to get all these negative emotions out. I was done with feeling like that, but didn't know why. I hoped crying would help me to feel better. Luckily it did, weird as it might seem.

I lay awake quite a while last night thinking about the evening and why I acted like I did. The only thing I could come up with is that it's my insecurity acting up. On my best days, I am kind, loving, funny, happy. But something started feeding this negativity, and it probably was me. After Vittorio told me about his promotion, I was of course very happy for him, but also a bit worried. I liked the way our work/life balance was now. We came home at reasonable hours, had a lot of time together. The past weeks Vitto was in Italy quite a lot. I was doing fine, had no problem with him being abroad. Of course I missed him, but in general, I was fine. When he came back, I noticed the balance had shifted. Some things at his work caused him having to spend more time on it. Again a few hours of working on Saturday, on Sunday. Starting to make a few phone calls in the evening, Being dead tired already around 22h. Of course, he would still give me attention but I can see the fire in his eyes is becoming less.

He is worried, and that anxiety is projected on me. I am scared that his job will change our relationship. I know I am quite a needy person. And now, with the balance shifting, I become restless and asking for even more attention, knowing he is preoccupied at work and might not be able to give it. And as a reaction to that, I push him away or intentionally try to get an upset reaction from him to be able to say "See, I told you this would happen". But it's me who is provoking it. 

I don't know. These are all just theories, or random thoughts. I am just longing for spring, for summer, for sunshine, for warmth, Because I cannot seem to find it in myself at the moment...

Highschool sweethearts

Today at Kruidvat, I got a free magazine entitled "All you need is love". Apparently that is the title of a famous Dutch tv show. I went to a bar, ordered a drink and some fries and started reading. Of course, the main topic is Love. A lot of interviews with people, shared stories. Like this quote:

"We both have our own life experiences which makes that we both don't have the illusion that the perfect relationship exists or that you can change the other into your perfect image. So we accept each others differences and enjoy the being together."

Beautiful insight, right? Then I started reading another article, about first loves, and what makes them so special. Ha, I tought, this is why my parents got divorced. And I started reading. At the end of the article, however, my stomach was squeezed together. If you think that I have no more anxiety now that I am happy in love with Vittorio, you are wrong!

What caused this anxiety?

Quotes: You grow up together, go to college together, spend a lot of time together at each others place, you know the family and the parents - much better than you later will know parents-in-law because now you are basically already there after school. In short: you share an entire history. Also important with a first relationship: it is also your first break-up. If the first love remains something magic, also depends on how it ended. If there was a lot of pain caused by for example infidelity or an abrupt divorce, you are hurt very deeply into your sould and of course you long less for your first love. But if you decided to end it together, there is less pain and he/she can have a special place in your heart forever. 

As time moves on, and after some years of dissapointment in love, they come across each other again and realise they did not have it that bad after all. Maybe they had too high expectations at the time, or were too busy evolving that they lost each other in the process. But when they find each other again, they might realise: it was you all this time after all, you touch me the deepest, with you I can be myself.

All this followed by some succesful "finding each other again" stories. This scared me. Of course I know Vitto loves me and the past is in the past. For now. But what if in a few years we might be in a routine, or lose each other a bit. A history of 10 years, same nationalities, so many memories. I would be lying if I said I was not intimidated by this. I know I'm overthinking (again). And if it happens, than so be it and I should move on anyway. But it for sure bogs my mind now. Great - thanks a lot free magazine at Kruidvat.

Book writing - Growing

Sunday evening. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room. My living room. It's still so surreal. I know I don't actually own anything here. But I feel so grateful. It feels like this is right where I am supposed to be. 

"Amore
Croatia 25th-28th may?
With Alex and Co?
There is a festival as far as I understood"

"Nice, sure!
How much is it?"

"Don't worry about that, it is from Sara and the new guy money
Love you <3"

"BTW I booked something for San Valentine X <3 "

Is this all really happening? I am with this amazing man who takes such good care of me. We are a good couple. I feel we have something strong and solid here. He took the time to read my book. Page per page. Also the pages that were smeared by my tears.  Up until the day we met. And now, he is part of every new chapter. The pages that are still unwritten, we will write together.

Sometimes when we lie in bed together and he is still reading a book, I just stare at him. I stare as my heart fills with so much love and I can't help but think how much I love him. And that's quite remarkable. Flashback:

I still remember when we were just together how fragile, scared and insecure I was. Scared of being hurt again. Of being used, just for fun. Nothing serious. I was very anxious and had very little trust in him. Somewhere in my mind, there was a voice that kept telling me to be careful. Not to get too attached because I might get disposed once again. We had fun together, it felt comfortable, he seemed sincere. But I was cautious.

He stayed consistent. We got together officially in november. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, texting me goodmorning every day and goodnight every evening. He bought a new iPad and immediately the first time he brought it to my place, he put my fingerprints in the system so I had access at all times. Same for his new iPhone. Until today, he still doesn't realise the impact of this.

When he was taking a shower at my appartment and left his phone behind, like a maniac I would go through all his messages, only to discover he was completely in love with me and had nothing to hide. I felt ashamed afterwards of doing it, but also relieved that there was no hurt, no dissapointment, no cheating. After a few times, there would be one time I thought "yeah never mind, he has nothing to hide anyway". And then 2 times in a row. I'm not saying I completely stopped checking on him - but the fear is slowly fading away and the trust is growing. He gave me this huge amount of trust of letting me into his life and personal messages. Messages I had no business with, but he knew and knows how important this is to me.

I also tell him when I checked his phone again. He doesn't care, or at least doesn't tell me if it bothers him. But I feel confident knowing that there will be a day that I will no longer check his phone. I will have beaten this fear, this anxiety. And that again, will be a next chapter in my book of life with him.

Xoxo

Claudia

How to distract yourself from overthinking

For people with separation anxiety, one of the hardest things to do after saying goodbye to your lover is probably keeping your mind quiet. You feel uncomfortable, like there is something wrong. A piece of the puzzle is missing. Restless. You have to keep moving, to stop the brain from overthinking and making you feel sad. There is nothing to be sad about, your rational self knows that, but yet you still feel all alone again. 

For me personally, this is one of the hardest aspects of the separation anxiety. After me and my boyfriend say goodbye, it is hard to come home to an empty appartment where only 15 min before we were still cuddling on the couch. I really have to hold back my tears at these moments. At this point, I think you have 2 options: drown in self-pity or try to find a way to distract yourself.

I have to admit: the times that I drowned in self-pity were also there. It was winter, it was cold(er) or rainy outside or I was on my period. Or worse, a combination of all the above. But ok, crying can also relieve feelings so just let it happen. It's ok.

Today, when my boyfriend left I didn't want to feel sad. In 10 days we leave for Bulgaria on a holiday, so there was plenty to look forward to! I decided to take a walk into the city. The sun was shining, the weather was nice and the summer sales had started. Today was also a shopping sunday wich meant that all the clothing and shoe shops were opened. Hurray! 2 hours, 1 bikini top, a Mac bronzer and some other stuff later, I arrived home. Alone. No. I will not feel sad. I started to put away the stuff I also bought in the supermarket for my dinner tonight. After that, I read a bit in a book.
Around 6, I was pretty hungry so I started preparing dinner. Rice with chicken and sweet-sour sauce.
My go-to meal on sunday when all shops except for Spar are closed in Hasselt. Whilst enjoying my dinner I read a bit more. 15 min later I was done eating. Ok, now what? It's only 18.45, I have an entire evening to fill.

I looked outside, to the blue sky. Unfortunately the weather had not been on our side today, so the boyfriend and I went pooling. We both won 1 game and I had a great time. We laughed with each others stupidity (although, have to say that I 'scored' 5 balls in a row!). Anyway. I felt the need to go outside again, to prevent myself from sobbing on the couch for the rest of the evening. So I thought: let's go skating! I changed clothes, took a bottle of water, my earplugs and my iPad and off I went.

I drove to Stokrooie, and parked my car near the canal. After strapping on my skates and protection, I was ready to go. Rolling on the concrete, wind in my hear and the sun kissing my face. Perfect. Exactly what I needed. Exercice and relaxation at the same time. After about 15 min of skating I was starting to feel tired. My condition is not what it was before, that is for sure! But ok, Rome was also not built on 1 day. I sat down on a bench, took a sip of water and took out my iPad to continue reading. Reading, next to the canal, sun on my head. I'm telling you: if this isn't distracting, then what is?

What yoga brought me

About 1,5 year ago my anxiety was pretty bad. I felt very insecure and anxious most of the time. In that period I was also seeing a therapist to help me get back on track. She advised me to do Yoga to calm my inner self. Yoga? An hour of humming on a mat? How would that help? I was very sceptic at first. But ok, I am open to try new things, especially when it's on doctor's orders.

I searched online for yoga classes near Hasselt. After comparing a few I decided to go for Takeayoga.be, with teacher Els Sevenants. I still remember entering the "classroom", with the yoga mats spread out and the teacher sitting there. "Hi, welcome! You are lucky to have your first lesson today, it will be calm so I have time to talk you through it". When everyone arrived, we started with a warm-up stretching to loosen the muscles. Neck bends, arm stretches, planking and then... my first downward facing dog. Uuughhh this is hard! But Els is a very good teacher and her voice guided me through everything perfectly. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first in those crazy poses, and sweat was already starting to drip down my spine.

After what felt like 15 min, Els instructed us to lie flat on our back on the mat, with hand palms facing up next to our bodies. She put on a nice, soothing music and then I realised the 1st class was already over! This was cool-down. I did an internal body check with myself, and I felt calm, stretched and warm. Peaceful. This entire hour, I thought about absolutely nothing. I was too busy focusing on my body and the flow we were in.

The day after, I was not so happy. My muscles were incredibly sore! For all the people who think yoga is not exercice: you are wrong! It might not be as intense as fitness, but it does stretch your muscles and build up strenght. And from that moment on, I had my weekly yoga appointment on Tuesday. And that 1,5 hour is complete me-time. I let go of my anxiety, my overthinking, my to-do lists and chores. I focus on my breathing, my positions and how my body feels. And afterwards, I feel at peace.

The 21st of June was international Yoga day, and that is why I wanted to dedicate this post to what it has brought me. More inner peace, a stronger spirit and for sure stronger muscles!
A special shout-out as well to my yoga-group and teacher Els Sevenants. You all are amazing people and can't wait for the Summertime Sessions to start!

Namasté.

Healing scars

I am damaged goods. Previous experiences and dissapointments in life left their scars on my soul. I don't know if it is because of this, but I am very sensitive. Overemotional maybe. I overthink things. And it is a curse and a blessing at the same time. A blessing because I have a very high emotional intelligence which allows me to "read" people's emotions very easily. I can almost feel when something is off with someone. Sense the mood or the tension in a room. An awareness to others pain. A very strong intuition.

A curse because sometimes all these emotions overwhelm me. I have all these emotions and don't know what to do with them. Especially in my relationship this can get tricky. I don't know if it belongs in the category of 'seperation anxiety'. I am just scared of being abandoned.  I have all this love in me and want to make the other person 200% happy so that I tend to put my personal happiness aside for them. This happened in my relationship with Redlef. I gave all that I had to give. And it backfired so hard, that it left a big hole in my heart. The worst heartbreak I ever experienced in my life. I was a pile of misery. Stayed at my grandma's for about 7 weeks because I could not bare going home and be alone at my appartment. I needed to be taken care of. To heal. I am forever grateful to my grandma for everything she has done for me. Not only these 7 weeks, but in general. She is a true inspiration for mankind. I fear the day that she will pass away, because I am afraid I will never get over it... See, getting emotional again here.

Anyway, back to the story.

I met Vittorio the end of July, about 4 months after Redlef started having his 'doubts' about our relationship and put it on hold. At the beginning of June I ended things with Redlef, simply because I could not go any further. I gave him 3 months to figure it out, and I was just done with it myself. I just wanted to be mentally stable again. At this point I was already staying at my grandma's. She dragged me through it. When I travelled to Italy, I was already gaining strength again.

But I did not expect to meet someone like Vittorio. It was not like being struck by lightening, but like meeting someone and you know something is about to happen. I had to get to know him, with every fibre in my body. Luckily he felt the same way. At first, we were both scared I think. We both just got out of a very intense relationship and were not sure if we were ready for something new already. Plus, there is the distance gap. Amsterdam is 2,5 hours away by car, and even almost 4h travel by train. Can we do this?

November 15 again I needed clearance. What was this that we had going on? We texted every day, all day long. We did not see or dated other people. He visited a couple times and let's say we did not only talk then if you know what I mean. Could we define it as a relationship? Just decide to go for it? Vittorio asked me why I had this need to 'label' it. I told him I needed something to hold on to. I was not looking for a fling or a friend-with-benefits. And again, after 4 months you must know what you want? We decided to set our 'official date' on this day. From now on, we were official. Yay!

Can we do this? After 9 months of which 5 official I can say: yes we can. Vittorio is an amazing person. He soothes my soul. He listens to me when I have my "overthinking" moments and start blurting out random thoughts and feelings. He doesn't leave me hanging there with them. I have this feeling of emotional security I have never felt before. For some magical reason, he loves me with all the scars I have. And what he doesn't realise is that he is the salve that eventually will make them fade away...

He made her smile again

I've been thinking a lot about my previous post. Meeting Vittorio changed my life, changed me as a person. Of course it is still too soon to tell for the long term, but I am amazed about how much I changed in less than a year. 

I did not expect to meet someone on this little holiday at all. I was there to leave the past behind and start fresh. I still remember the morning that I left for Italy, Redlef was at my front door with a huge bouquet of flowers and a 5 page letter pouring his heart out that I was the one for him. I brought the letter to Italy to let my aunt and uncle read it and we decided that Italy was the perfect time and place to "let go". Literally. We were at the Beer Fest somewhere on Friday night (the night of my arrival) and Ina let me take a scrap of paper and write "Redlef'" on it. Then she instructed me to say the words "okay Redlef, I am letting go of you here and now." and had me put the paper in a crack of the wooden table. So I did. And I felt relieved. Closure. Silly, actually, that this little action could mean so much. Thinking back at it today, it is funny and crazy at the same time that only 2 days later I started a new chapter in my life. Enter Vittorio.

We decided to meet again a couple of weeks after we both returned from Italy. I was pretty nervous about seeing him again. Would we click or would it be awkward? Would we have enough to talk about? Would something happen? Then an unexpected holiday to Fuerteventura came in between, so we had to postphone our "1st date". During the countdown we talked every day. We teased, flirted and got to know each other better. He started growing on me. What I liked about him was that he was a man of his word. He texted me every morning and every night before going to bed. No exceptions. 

About a month after meeting him for the 1st time, we met each other again. Vittorio would stay at my place for 4 days. We would go kajak, go to the movies, go to a swimming lake and so on. The morning of his arrival, I was up early at 8. He would rent a car around 9.30 and arrive in Hasselt by noon. He texted me saying that he had a small delay but would hurry up. Around noon I saw a little car with Holland plates driving up the parking lot. Oh god. Oh god. It's time. I could see him get out of the car, and trying to open the trunk (which he struggled with for 5 min) and then I could not wait any longer so I ran down the stairs. I opened the door with my heart beating in my chest and saw him walking towards me. With a calm pace and a little nervous smile on his face. "Ciao Principessa", he said, before planting his lips on mine...