Healing scars

I am damaged goods. Previous experiences and dissapointments in life left their scars on my soul. I don't know if it is because of this, but I am very sensitive. Overemotional maybe. I overthink things. And it is a curse and a blessing at the same time. A blessing because I have a very high emotional intelligence which allows me to "read" people's emotions very easily. I can almost feel when something is off with someone. Sense the mood or the tension in a room. An awareness to others pain. A very strong intuition.

A curse because sometimes all these emotions overwhelm me. I have all these emotions and don't know what to do with them. Especially in my relationship this can get tricky. I don't know if it belongs in the category of 'seperation anxiety'. I am just scared of being abandoned.  I have all this love in me and want to make the other person 200% happy so that I tend to put my personal happiness aside for them. This happened in my relationship with Redlef. I gave all that I had to give. And it backfired so hard, that it left a big hole in my heart. The worst heartbreak I ever experienced in my life. I was a pile of misery. Stayed at my grandma's for about 7 weeks because I could not bare going home and be alone at my appartment. I needed to be taken care of. To heal. I am forever grateful to my grandma for everything she has done for me. Not only these 7 weeks, but in general. She is a true inspiration for mankind. I fear the day that she will pass away, because I am afraid I will never get over it... See, getting emotional again here.

Anyway, back to the story.

I met Vittorio the end of July, about 4 months after Redlef started having his 'doubts' about our relationship and put it on hold. At the beginning of June I ended things with Redlef, simply because I could not go any further. I gave him 3 months to figure it out, and I was just done with it myself. I just wanted to be mentally stable again. At this point I was already staying at my grandma's. She dragged me through it. When I travelled to Italy, I was already gaining strength again.

But I did not expect to meet someone like Vittorio. It was not like being struck by lightening, but like meeting someone and you know something is about to happen. I had to get to know him, with every fibre in my body. Luckily he felt the same way. At first, we were both scared I think. We both just got out of a very intense relationship and were not sure if we were ready for something new already. Plus, there is the distance gap. Amsterdam is 2,5 hours away by car, and even almost 4h travel by train. Can we do this?

November 15 again I needed clearance. What was this that we had going on? We texted every day, all day long. We did not see or dated other people. He visited a couple times and let's say we did not only talk then if you know what I mean. Could we define it as a relationship? Just decide to go for it? Vittorio asked me why I had this need to 'label' it. I told him I needed something to hold on to. I was not looking for a fling or a friend-with-benefits. And again, after 4 months you must know what you want? We decided to set our 'official date' on this day. From now on, we were official. Yay!

Can we do this? After 9 months of which 5 official I can say: yes we can. Vittorio is an amazing person. He soothes my soul. He listens to me when I have my "overthinking" moments and start blurting out random thoughts and feelings. He doesn't leave me hanging there with them. I have this feeling of emotional security I have never felt before. For some magical reason, he loves me with all the scars I have. And what he doesn't realise is that he is the salve that eventually will make them fade away...