I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your smile

You're all I've ever wanted,

and my arms are open wide

'Cause you know just what to say

And you know just what to do

And I want to tell you so much,

I love you

It's only a part of a beautiful song, but it reminds me so much about my Vittorio. Today, this blog makes me smile. There used to be very different times... I'm still scared or insecure at times, but it's really getting easier and easier for me. In about 1,5 months Vitto and me will have met 2 years ago in Italy. It's so incredible to see how much I have grown personally since then. Hands down, he is the most amazing person I've ever been with.

We haven't had a single fight so far (touch wood) - mainly thanks to his amazing patience. I know how stubborn I can act for stupid little things. I asked him last week how and mostly why he is the one that still keeps coming back to hug and kiss me, even when I'm the one overreacting.

He replied: well, I just remind myself that you are my Principessa and that I love you too much to make a thing of it.

This made me choke up. 

Every time I act up he still has this everlasting patience to reach out to make me smile and feel loved. Even when I don't deserve it. And he will say that I do.

I have never felt so loved and cherished in a relationship before. My anxiety is really dropping and this is really the greatest gift he could give me (besides a wedding ring and children, of course ;-) ). It's unbelievable what a difference a good relationship can make.

Our power is that we give each other space and time to develop ourselves whilst also making sure we stay entwined together. This year already we have been to Florence and just returned from a Festival trip with friends to Croatia (with extra stops in Vienna, Ljubljana and Graz. On the planning: Canary Islands, a long weekend in Porreta Terme (where we met) and a week in Taormina (with his parents). We make sure to spend quality time together (I'm like an eagle guarding his work-life balance). And I feel it's this that is making it so much easier for me to have faith and trust.

Also now: we came back from Croatia and he had to stay at the airport to fly to Italy for work again for a week. I was scared I would be very upset and sad about it. But here I am, on our couch, feeling nothing but grateful for this wonderful person in my life. I know we have to part sometimes but I also know we will come back together.

In the airplane today I was just staring at him and I thought: god, I love you so much. Look at that cute, slightly tanned face with the little, sexy beard. And his full, rosy and incredibly good kissing lips. And the cherry on the cake: his eyes. greyishly blue/green with a hint of yellow in the middle. He's a treasure. And I'm cherishing him so much!

Xoxo

Claudia

Take the leap of faith

Sometimes, when I am walking the streets of Amsterdam here, I can still not comprehend that I actually did this. Me, the girl that lived and grew up in a tiny village of about 600 people, now lives in a world city of almost 800.000. Crazy. But I did it. I took the leap of faith.

Vitto and me had just met each other a year ago when I applied for a job here. A few months later I moved in with him. 4 months later, here we are. 

It feels like my life has just fully started now. A few years ago, I felt like I was just doing something. I had my first job, then my second. I learned a lot, but it did not feel like I could fully develop there.
I had relationships, also sometimes whilst already knowing they were going nowhere. After my heartbreak with Redlef, it was never my plan to dive into a new relationship so fast. I was sceptic, my family was sceptic. But there he was, all of a sudden in my life: Vittorio.

Maybe it was too soon. But it also felt like something I could not let slip. So I didn't. I went 200% for this new relationship. And I can tell you: I am happier than I have ever been in my life. So please, take the leap of faith when you feel it is too precious to let go of. 

And let me finish by just showing you some pictures of where I am today:

A new chapter

"Hello, this is Claudia speaking"
- Hi Claudia, this is Marc and Froukje from Travix
"... Yes, hi.."
- There's no need to be so shy because we have good news for you: you've got the job!
"What? Oh my god. Wauw, thank you - I am really really happy!"

- The rest of the conversation is less important ;-) -

I put down the phone, trembling with joy. OH MY GOD I'VE GOT THE JOB!!!!
I could cry of joy. This is so unbelievable! I had 1 job interview, 1 vacancy I was interested in and in barely 2 months I have a job in Amsterdam! I called my manager and informed him with the good news. He was happy for me, but also sad because this meant I am actually leaving now. 

They would send me a job offer and after I agreed upon that they would prepare my contract. Start date: 11 october. 2 months from now. Aaaahhhh in 2 months I have to much to arrange!
Cancel all my contracts at home for water, gas, television. Either sell my furniture or store it for a year. Pack my stuff, get them to Amsterdam. Would I rent a moving company or just do it myself? Will I take my bike or buy a new one? My appartment has to be empty by the end of octobre so my items have to move first, then I need a lift to get all the big stuff out and go to the container park or storage room, and then the appartment has to be cleaned. Ok. No worries, I got this. I am a great planner so I'm sure I'll find a way of making it work.

Back to the job thing. This is actually happening. I will be the Campaign and Content manager for a big brand, in a big city and a big office with 220 people working there. I am moving to Amsterdam. Moving in with my boyfriend. Living together. This is so unbelievable. If you would have told me this one year ago, I would have laughed at you. I never imagined me living abroad. But somehow, I found the inner strength to take this huge leap of faith.

My Principe and I are starting a new chapter together. This is so exciting! I never imagined it going so fast but at the same time it just feels natural and right. Like the next logic step. Last weekend, I was in Amsterdam. Originally for the Gay Canal Pride, but as you read in a previous blogpost, Travix invited me for the 2nd and 3rd interview rounds on Wednesday. Interview with Business case to present on Monday. I went to my Principe on Friday with a lot of stress for this interview. I had to prepare a presentation about a fictional campaign I would do for Cheaptickets. Define target audience, orientation and decision making phase, online channels, how to measure. It has been a while since I had to do something like this but my Principe was amazing.

He gave me a book with amazing guidelines and let me work in peace. He went to the dry cleaning to drop off his costume, whilst I was working. In the afternoon, we had 'some' people over at the appartment to watch the Canal Parade from our window. With some people I mean about 20-25. It was pretty crowded, but also very nice! I talked to a lot of friends of Vittorio's, laughed A LOT and before I knew it, the day had passed. The Parade was over and people started leaving to go to the pub for another drink. Or 2. Honestly, I was exhausted. 8h of having people over and constantly talking is energy-consuming. Luckily, Vittorio felt the same way and we decided to stay home. 2 other guys came over for a coffee until 11pm but that was it. After they left, Vittorio said to me "I heard so many good things about you today and people liked you so much, I just cannot let you go anymore". This made my heart smile, and therefore my face as well. He is just so cute!

The day after the stress was back because I still had so much to do! Vitto went to a friend in the afternoon when I worked on the case and in the evening he went to the cinema when I worked on the case. I was sick and tired of spending the entire day on the couch working on that case but I had to finish! When Vitto came back from the cinema, we looked at my presentation together and he adapted some things here and there. It was 95% done when we went to bed. That day I realised what our lives would be like living together. Now, when visiting each other in the weekends we want to make every minute count so we don't do stuff apart. That Sunday spent mainly alone was a reality-check that this would be more like it. And I am ok with that.

It's funny, but since I got the confirmation that I have the job I have this feeling of "peace of mind". I feel so safe and secure in this relationship. So loved and cared for. One year ago I was like a scared little bird with a broken wing. Today I feel like a big, powerful Phoenix, ready to spread out my enormous wings and fly. Destination: a new chapter.

Why she can't allow herself to believe that you love her

Dear Men,

I know you’re confused. Maybe a little frustrated, even. You see her, all parts of her: the good and the bad. And you can’t help but fall in love with each and every one of them. You can’t help but feel like all those flaws and all those imperfections that she tries so hard to hide are exactly what make her truly beautiful. And you can’t help but feel like devoting your entire life towards making her feel as beautiful and perfect as she actually is.

But she just won’t believe you. She just won’t let herself go. And she just won’t understand how it is even possible for you to feel that way for her. This drives you crazy. It makes you feel helpless. You feel like you would do absolutely anything to make her see herself through your eyes for just a minute. You feel like taking away all of her pain and insecurities once and for all and filling her life with the kind of happiness she truly deserves. You feel like you just want to break through that wall she has built around her. And you just can’t seem to understand why it was ever built in the first place.

I know you want to break through, I know you want to understand, I know you want to give her true happiness and I know you want her to really believe you when you tell her you love her. But it’s just not that simple for her. It’s not simple because people made her promises that they could never even keep. Because she’s lost so much of her self-esteem that she doesn’t even feel like she deserves the love you’re giving her. Because too many people have entered her life and then just left, without any reason, without any guilt and without a warning. She doesn’t want you to be one of those people. She doesn’t want more broken promises. She doesn’t want to lose the little bit of self-esteem that’s still left. But she does want to believe you. She does want to give you a chance. She does want to trust you enough to give her the love she deserves. She really does, but life has given her too many reasons to not trust the people who say they “love” her. She has seen and felt so much in this short life of hers.

Just the thought that you might actually love her makes her scared beyond words. It makes her want to run away and hide from what will follow. It makes her recall all the times when she saw all her hopes and dreams come crashing down right in front of her eyes. She’s no stranger to what this love will entail. She knows how it works all too well; it actually feels like a pattern now. A guy comes along, he makes her smile, he makes her feel special, he makes her fall in love, he gives her some amazing moments, he slowly becomes the center of her entire life, and then? He just leaves. Where does the ‘love’ suddenly go away?

And this loss of faith isn’t because of just one single experience. Maybe it happened because of that time when the most important person in her life left her all alone, hurt and broken or maybe it happened when her friend’s guy cheated on her even though they seemed like the most perfect couple or maybe it was because of how she never saw any real love and affection between her parents or maybe it was the effect of all these things combined. Everything she saw and everything she felt just seemed to point at one simple truth: Love is temporary! And no matter how hard she tries to look at the bright side, no matter how much she tries to convince herself otherwise, and no matter how badly she wants to believe in some never-ending love, all the sad stories around her just seem to overpower all the happy ones.

She is perfectly aware of how beautiful love can be. She knows how it can make you feel like the happiest person in the entire universe, she knows how all the love songs and all those lame romantic comedies suddenly start to make sense when you have that special someone by your side, she knows about all the butterflies you constantly tend to feel, and she knows how love can make you smile at the smallest of things.

And she believes that maybe this time, it will be different...

It's in the little things

Today was such a beautiful day here in Belgium! After weeks of rain, we could use some sunbeams. I enjoyed it by taking a walk and reading a book on a bench in the park. As I felt the wind going through my hair and the sun warming my face, I felt so peaceful and happy. Everything about that moment was absolutely perfect. I felt grateful. Grateful for the nice and warm sun, for the nice book, for my health, for my wealth, for my great family and friends and for my amazing boyfriend. 

I believe we all should build in little moments to appreciate what we have. I think nowadays the focus is too much on what we don't have. It doesn't make people any happier. A couple of weeks ago I read an interview with a 80-year old woman who said that in her younger years, all people cared about was how to put food on the table every day. The poor families of now are still richer than the poor families of then. Nowadays, we have so much and yet we are not happy. We always want more and bigger. Life became a competition of having the biggest house, the biggest car on the driveway, the highest position in the company. But at what price? Burn-out rates have never been higher. Therapists have waiting lists. More than 60% of marriages turns out in divorce again. We are never happy with what we have.

It made me think. I had to admit that in the past I was more materialistic than I am now. It is something that also my boyfriend thaught me. He is not a man of expensive gifts or jewellery and he absolutely hates bouquets of flowers. He thinks they are useless. In the past, I liked to be pampered with gifts from my boyfriends. But now, I prefer to have experiences rather than gifts. For Christmas last year, the boyfriend and I went on a 2-day journey to the spa. Just relax and enjoy quality time together. It was perfect. I wouldn't have wished for anything else.

My ex used to buy me flowers a lot, and I can't say that I didn't like it. But afterwards, when I found out he cheated on me for the entire relationship, I hated the flowers. It felt like he was trying to buy my love or forgiveness. Don't give me presents. Give me loyalty, honesty, real love. Appreciate me for all that I am, with all my perfect imperfections. If the grass seems greener on the other side, you should worry about watering and fertilizing your own grass.

And remember: it is in the little things.