Mind Reading

Here we are again. It's sunday night and after a lovely weekend with my boyfriend I am back at my appartment - alone. I don't feel particularly sad - just a bit emotional. Weekends go so much faster when we are together!

We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!

Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.

Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".

It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...

And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?

I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...