Emotional Relapse

The past few weeks, I was doing pretty well when it came to Emotional Stability. My emotions were under control, even when I was on my period (!). I learned to be more comfortable on my own, being alone and all by myself. I didn't really feel "on edge" or nervous anymore. Ok, I had my moments where I needed some attention but it was all pretty cool.

Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.

All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.

And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected.  75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.

I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.

And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.

Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.

Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.