Today at Kruidvat, I got a free magazine entitled "All you need is love". Apparently that is the title of a famous Dutch tv show. I went to a bar, ordered a drink and some fries and started reading. Of course, the main topic is Love. A lot of interviews with people, shared stories. Like this quote:
"We both have our own life experiences which makes that we both don't have the illusion that the perfect relationship exists or that you can change the other into your perfect image. So we accept each others differences and enjoy the being together."
Beautiful insight, right? Then I started reading another article, about first loves, and what makes them so special. Ha, I tought, this is why my parents got divorced. And I started reading. At the end of the article, however, my stomach was squeezed together. If you think that I have no more anxiety now that I am happy in love with Vittorio, you are wrong!
What caused this anxiety?
Quotes: You grow up together, go to college together, spend a lot of time together at each others place, you know the family and the parents - much better than you later will know parents-in-law because now you are basically already there after school. In short: you share an entire history. Also important with a first relationship: it is also your first break-up. If the first love remains something magic, also depends on how it ended. If there was a lot of pain caused by for example infidelity or an abrupt divorce, you are hurt very deeply into your sould and of course you long less for your first love. But if you decided to end it together, there is less pain and he/she can have a special place in your heart forever.
As time moves on, and after some years of dissapointment in love, they come across each other again and realise they did not have it that bad after all. Maybe they had too high expectations at the time, or were too busy evolving that they lost each other in the process. But when they find each other again, they might realise: it was you all this time after all, you touch me the deepest, with you I can be myself.
All this followed by some succesful "finding each other again" stories. This scared me. Of course I know Vitto loves me and the past is in the past. For now. But what if in a few years we might be in a routine, or lose each other a bit. A history of 10 years, same nationalities, so many memories. I would be lying if I said I was not intimidated by this. I know I'm overthinking (again). And if it happens, than so be it and I should move on anyway. But it for sure bogs my mind now. Great - thanks a lot free magazine at Kruidvat.
Showing posts with label insecure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insecure. Show all posts
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Mind Reading
Here we are again. It's sunday night and after a lovely weekend with my boyfriend I am back at my appartment - alone. I don't feel particularly sad - just a bit emotional. Weekends go so much faster when we are together!
We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!
Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.
Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".
It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...
And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?
I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...
We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!
Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.
Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".
It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...
And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?
I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Terrified/Hopeful
"What if I fall?"
Oh, but my darling
what if you fly?
The last few days I've been feeling really restless.
It's really dawning on me that the time is getting shorter here.
In less than one month I will live in Amsterdam.
As everything is getting arranged now (the packing, selling my furniture, making appointments for their pick-up, having people over to watch the appartment) it's like I'm getting cold feet.
Yes, I still want to be with Vittorio.
and yes, I still want to move to Amsterdam.
But I'm so scared.
Scared of it going wrong. Scared that it will not work out.
Scared that we made this decision too soon. Scared that we are just not compatible.
Scared that I will just feel lonely. Scared that I will not get used to the city.
Scared that I will not like my new job. Scared that my new job will not like me.
I know there's a solution to everything. I can move back to Belgium if it doesn't work out. There's plenty of people who are willing to give me a temporary sleeping place. I can get another job if I don't like it or it doesn't like me. I can try some new hobbies to meet new people. Make Skype appointments with current friends and family.
It's just something that is so far out of my comfort zone.
But maybe it's the best decision of my life?
What if it exceeds everything I was even too afraid to dream?
What if we become this amazing couple that only needs half a word to understand each other?
What if we never fight and have sex every night?
What if I farted glitter?
Errr.. ok. Too far.
I didn't mean to make this post too emotional. But the thing is: it's probably somewhere in the middle. I'm sure we will have our fights and disagreements. I'm sure we are different in many areas but also alike in so many others. I'm sure that I am sociable enough to make new friends, even though it takes time. I can do this.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Emotional Relapse
The past few weeks, I was doing pretty well when it came to Emotional Stability. My emotions were under control, even when I was on my period (!). I learned to be more comfortable on my own, being alone and all by myself. I didn't really feel "on edge" or nervous anymore. Ok, I had my moments where I needed some attention but it was all pretty cool.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
The final countdown
Wauw. In 7 weeks I will move to Amsterdam. As I say it, I still can't fully comprehend it.
I am so looking forward to start working there, in a fresh company, in a fresh function and a fresh team. But I am even more looking forward to living with the man of my life there.
But also, I am scared (there we go again :-)). And emotional. I hope Vitto looks forward to it as well. I wish I could read his mind, because he's not as open as I am. Is he really up for it? Or is there a part of him that's not ready yet? I know I'm probably overthinking and overreacting because if he did not love me, he would not have agreed with this in the first place. But I just need to hear the confirmation again and again that I am welcome. Call me insecure, call me crazy but it's just what I need.
The last thing I want is to ruin this for the both of us because of me being anxious.
This feels like a brand new chapter. Principe and Principessa living together, I like the sound of that.
It's probably just my PMS that's acting up here...
I am so looking forward to start working there, in a fresh company, in a fresh function and a fresh team. But I am even more looking forward to living with the man of my life there.
But also, I am scared (there we go again :-)). And emotional. I hope Vitto looks forward to it as well. I wish I could read his mind, because he's not as open as I am. Is he really up for it? Or is there a part of him that's not ready yet? I know I'm probably overthinking and overreacting because if he did not love me, he would not have agreed with this in the first place. But I just need to hear the confirmation again and again that I am welcome. Call me insecure, call me crazy but it's just what I need.
The last thing I want is to ruin this for the both of us because of me being anxious.
This feels like a brand new chapter. Principe and Principessa living together, I like the sound of that.
It's probably just my PMS that's acting up here...
Monday, July 4, 2016
Self-confidence
"Oh c'mon, you have absolutely nothing to be insecure about! You are a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities!"
I wish this was enough to make all my insecurities disappear. But unfortunately, it's not that simple.
Maybe it started when I was 18 years old, and in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with someone who lived 2 hours away. He cheated on me (maybe even multiple times). Or maybe the relationship after that - my longest relationship ever. 2,5 years with a boyfriend who thought he was slightly superior than me. Because let's face it: my field of study was an easy one, something the people without real plans would do. And my face without make-up looked like a 16-year old in her puberty. I should think about heavy antibiotics against the acne. The type that destroys your body from within, but hey: at least you don't have acne anymore. And I already suffered from a weak stomach...
Or maybe it was even later. When I was about 22, and my parents got divorced. My home, the place where I grew up would be sold and I had to move. I had a new relationship at that time with someone even more insecure than me. Or it was just all the weed that he smoked that made him paranoid. Always stating that I have a problem, that I don't talk about my feelings and I don't see that I have a problem. If only I could really see my part why this relationship is going bad, we could make something good out of it!
Or the final one: last year, being with someone who carries you on both hands, surprising you with flowers or sweet notes almost every time you are together. The idea of living together popped up multiple times but he wanted to wait until we created a stable environment. He was just starting as an independent electrician. We could talk for hours, we had the most crazy conversations and everything felt so nice. It seemed like I had found the man of my dreams. Until he started disappearing. Not replying to messages or phone calls. Discovering edgy texts from other girls. Also this was a long distance relationship where we would only see each other in the weekends. This last one was Redlef, the main reason why I started this blog. You can read the developments of our relationship here online. He had this strategy of pulling me close and then pushing me away again, making me feel so vulnerable and insecure about myself. And then, the truth came out: the entire time we were dating, he also had another girlfriend. Me in the weekends and as the official girlfriend, and her during the week to have sex. This destroyed me, and every last belief in relationships I had.
So tell me, if I am such a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities, why wasn't I treated like one? Why was I only treated like an object for others to feel better about themselves?
People don't realise the damage which is done. The bad things do so much more damage than the sweet things can fix. I became an insecure, scared person who doesn't think very much of herself. I can play a part, and make you believe that I do. But deep down, I'm scarred. And scared. Only a person with a lot of patience will be able to fix this.
But also, deep down, I believe that I am worth fixing. I know that not all men are the same, and I just had bad luck. I am blessed and lucky that Vittorio has the patience of a saint. I'm not an easy one, but once you have my love it is unconditional.
I wish this was enough to make all my insecurities disappear. But unfortunately, it's not that simple.
Maybe it started when I was 18 years old, and in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with someone who lived 2 hours away. He cheated on me (maybe even multiple times). Or maybe the relationship after that - my longest relationship ever. 2,5 years with a boyfriend who thought he was slightly superior than me. Because let's face it: my field of study was an easy one, something the people without real plans would do. And my face without make-up looked like a 16-year old in her puberty. I should think about heavy antibiotics against the acne. The type that destroys your body from within, but hey: at least you don't have acne anymore. And I already suffered from a weak stomach...
Or maybe it was even later. When I was about 22, and my parents got divorced. My home, the place where I grew up would be sold and I had to move. I had a new relationship at that time with someone even more insecure than me. Or it was just all the weed that he smoked that made him paranoid. Always stating that I have a problem, that I don't talk about my feelings and I don't see that I have a problem. If only I could really see my part why this relationship is going bad, we could make something good out of it!
Or the final one: last year, being with someone who carries you on both hands, surprising you with flowers or sweet notes almost every time you are together. The idea of living together popped up multiple times but he wanted to wait until we created a stable environment. He was just starting as an independent electrician. We could talk for hours, we had the most crazy conversations and everything felt so nice. It seemed like I had found the man of my dreams. Until he started disappearing. Not replying to messages or phone calls. Discovering edgy texts from other girls. Also this was a long distance relationship where we would only see each other in the weekends. This last one was Redlef, the main reason why I started this blog. You can read the developments of our relationship here online. He had this strategy of pulling me close and then pushing me away again, making me feel so vulnerable and insecure about myself. And then, the truth came out: the entire time we were dating, he also had another girlfriend. Me in the weekends and as the official girlfriend, and her during the week to have sex. This destroyed me, and every last belief in relationships I had.
So tell me, if I am such a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities, why wasn't I treated like one? Why was I only treated like an object for others to feel better about themselves?
People don't realise the damage which is done. The bad things do so much more damage than the sweet things can fix. I became an insecure, scared person who doesn't think very much of herself. I can play a part, and make you believe that I do. But deep down, I'm scarred. And scared. Only a person with a lot of patience will be able to fix this.
But also, deep down, I believe that I am worth fixing. I know that not all men are the same, and I just had bad luck. I am blessed and lucky that Vittorio has the patience of a saint. I'm not an easy one, but once you have my love it is unconditional.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Resistance and passing the test
As a person who is afraid of being abandoned or being left alone, I test people.
It is sometimes stronger than myself. I have to know that you are truthful, honest, sincere. I cannot trust on just words anymore. I need to see if, feel it.
Words can be hollow. The I love you's of today can be the get out's of tomorrow. But if you show me you care, I can rely on that.
The thing is... You have passed every test so far. When I get stubborn about feeling unnoticed or neglected, you break down my wall with all your patience. My emotions or fears don't seem like a burden to you at all, but a challenge you have to work around. And when I notice that, all resistance drops.
I get to see the beautiful person that you are again and again. You make the effort and have the patience to remove every last brick to get to the core. And the core, I can tell you, is where all beauty is to be found.
And the times I feel neglected, I know you didn't stop loving me. Of course you still have other things to worry about. But darling, what is 10 seconds of your time in a day of 86400?
It is sometimes stronger than myself. I have to know that you are truthful, honest, sincere. I cannot trust on just words anymore. I need to see if, feel it.
Words can be hollow. The I love you's of today can be the get out's of tomorrow. But if you show me you care, I can rely on that.
The thing is... You have passed every test so far. When I get stubborn about feeling unnoticed or neglected, you break down my wall with all your patience. My emotions or fears don't seem like a burden to you at all, but a challenge you have to work around. And when I notice that, all resistance drops.
I get to see the beautiful person that you are again and again. You make the effort and have the patience to remove every last brick to get to the core. And the core, I can tell you, is where all beauty is to be found.
And the times I feel neglected, I know you didn't stop loving me. Of course you still have other things to worry about. But darling, what is 10 seconds of your time in a day of 86400?
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