Here we are again. It's sunday night and after a lovely weekend with my boyfriend I am back at my appartment - alone. I don't feel particularly sad - just a bit emotional. Weekends go so much faster when we are together!
We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!
Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.
Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".
It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...
And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?
I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Monday, September 12, 2016
Emotional Relapse
The past few weeks, I was doing pretty well when it came to Emotional Stability. My emotions were under control, even when I was on my period (!). I learned to be more comfortable on my own, being alone and all by myself. I didn't really feel "on edge" or nervous anymore. Ok, I had my moments where I needed some attention but it was all pretty cool.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Period Pains
All women in the world dealing with their period and the 'joy' of period pains that comes with it can probably relate to this post. Mother Nature was in my opinion a bit unfair when she distributed these things. Men get all the fun stuff: the morning erections and wet dreams. We get to go to labour, suffer that damn menstrual cycle every month and everything that comes with it.
For me, the physical part of my period is not the worst. The first 2 days I have some minor to medium cramps, like someone is constantly poking in my uturus. After 5 days I'm usually back to 'normal', whatever that might be.
But the emotional part is the worst for me. A few days before the period, a lot of women suffer from PMS: premenstrual syndrome. A quick Google learns me that this might cause the following: "Common symptoms include acne, tender breasts, bloating, feeling tired. Psychological symptoms can be: depressed feelings, anxiousness, irritability and agression. Often symptoms are present for around six days."
Well isn't this fun? No, it isn't. I notice these symptoms with myself when I start being even more emotional than I already am normally. The tiniest thing can upset me. I see a sad movie - I cry. I see a happy movie - I cry. If I could sleep for 6 days during this period, I would.
Also relationship wise this is a difficult time for me. In reality, nothing had changed. Vittorio still loves me as much as before. He is not the type to shout it off the rooftops or get too emotional about it. But in my head during this PMS period I am hypersensitive to detect the least change in his words and actions. The poor bastard. He is such a kind, loving and patient person. Sitting in Amsterdam, playing tanks on his tablet. Going to the movies by himself and watching his favourite soccer team play with friends. In between still texting me kisses and letting me know what's up. I notice all these things, and am grateful and appreciative that he keeps up the effort. It soothes my inner bitch during this period ;-)
For I cannot help but being a little more "on edge" and needy. I crave attention even more. No messages for a few hours? He forgot about me. A message but very plain and no kiss? Maybe there's something wrong. And I get upset. Make up scenarios in my head. Almost wanting to pick a fight to make him reassure me again that he still loves me and it's all good. It. Is. So. Exhausting.
That's why for me, "Period Pains" are more psychologically than physically. I suffer more from the first one than from the second one. I am aware of this, luckily and try to fight my inner dragon. I listen to music, read a book, take a walk or... write this blog so I can't pick a fight with him. I will be the one to conquer my inner dragon.
Period Pains. Fuck you.
For me, the physical part of my period is not the worst. The first 2 days I have some minor to medium cramps, like someone is constantly poking in my uturus. After 5 days I'm usually back to 'normal', whatever that might be.
But the emotional part is the worst for me. A few days before the period, a lot of women suffer from PMS: premenstrual syndrome. A quick Google learns me that this might cause the following: "Common symptoms include acne, tender breasts, bloating, feeling tired. Psychological symptoms can be: depressed feelings, anxiousness, irritability and agression. Often symptoms are present for around six days."
Well isn't this fun? No, it isn't. I notice these symptoms with myself when I start being even more emotional than I already am normally. The tiniest thing can upset me. I see a sad movie - I cry. I see a happy movie - I cry. If I could sleep for 6 days during this period, I would.
Also relationship wise this is a difficult time for me. In reality, nothing had changed. Vittorio still loves me as much as before. He is not the type to shout it off the rooftops or get too emotional about it. But in my head during this PMS period I am hypersensitive to detect the least change in his words and actions. The poor bastard. He is such a kind, loving and patient person. Sitting in Amsterdam, playing tanks on his tablet. Going to the movies by himself and watching his favourite soccer team play with friends. In between still texting me kisses and letting me know what's up. I notice all these things, and am grateful and appreciative that he keeps up the effort. It soothes my inner bitch during this period ;-)
For I cannot help but being a little more "on edge" and needy. I crave attention even more. No messages for a few hours? He forgot about me. A message but very plain and no kiss? Maybe there's something wrong. And I get upset. Make up scenarios in my head. Almost wanting to pick a fight to make him reassure me again that he still loves me and it's all good. It. Is. So. Exhausting.
That's why for me, "Period Pains" are more psychologically than physically. I suffer more from the first one than from the second one. I am aware of this, luckily and try to fight my inner dragon. I listen to music, read a book, take a walk or... write this blog so I can't pick a fight with him. I will be the one to conquer my inner dragon.
Period Pains. Fuck you.
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