"Ciao amore, see you in one week". As he turned around and walked away - without even giving me one last kiss by the way - I felt my stomach shrink. Please don't go...
The idea of being entirely alone tomorrow made me feel so anxious again. Of course I know it is just one week. Before we did not see each other for 3-4 weeks. But now it is different. We live together, we are used to being together a lot. Vittorio is my home, my safe haven. Our life together is my happy place.
I am a strong woman, I've been through a lot in life. But the anxiousness and not feeling safe thing has always been the red wire throughout my life. When my parents divorced and the house I grew up in was sold and I had to move, I did it without blinking my eyes. After all, a house is not a home if your loved ones are not there. It is just a pile of bricks. The people who you share it with, they are your home. As much as I enjoy living in Amsterdam, in this beautiful appartment I could never afford on my own, it doesn't bring me joy to be here alone. Of course, I can enjoy a few hours of me-time. But being alone in a strange city, with my friends and family more than 3 hours away and my safe haven even more, I feel very small.
I decided to make a plan. With a goal in mind, it is so much easier to get through the week. Today I will go into the city and see if I can find a new floor mat to put in the kitchen. The bamboo mats have become ripped anyway. Tomorrow, when Sara is gone, I will start cleaning the appartment. Vacuuming, arranging stuff, maybe take the blue plastic boxes back to Albert Heijn so that's cleared. Do some laundry, dye our pillows because I ruined them with my facial cream. Ok, sounds like a good plan to make it through the weekend. Oh and what will I eat tonight? I will think about it when I am walking. Let's go!
2 hours and 100 euro lighter, I arrived home. Without floor mat. But with a new pair of boots, 4 new red placemats for the kitchen (the old ones are also worn out), laundry detergent and softerener and make-up cleanser and cotton pads. Right. I dropped of the stuff and decided to go to Albert Heijn, because I made up my mind about dinner. It would be spare-ribs with a honey glaze joined by a salad with tomatoes, corn and avocado. Perfect. Combined with watching Grey's Anatomy.
And so, my saturday has passed. I walked 5 kilometers, did my 10.000 steps, did not eat too unhealhty and did not feel too sad. But boy, will I be happy when my man walks through that door again...
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Monday, September 12, 2016
Emotional Relapse
The past few weeks, I was doing pretty well when it came to Emotional Stability. My emotions were under control, even when I was on my period (!). I learned to be more comfortable on my own, being alone and all by myself. I didn't really feel "on edge" or nervous anymore. Ok, I had my moments where I needed some attention but it was all pretty cool.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Sad feelings
Even though I am moving in with my boyfriend in less than 2 months, I still get sad when we have to say goodbye after having spent the weekend together. Saying goodbye is so hard. Returning to an empty appartment, where only half an hour ago we were still cuddling. I know I should smile and be happy because we have such a good relationship - and I am - but the first moments being back here alone, I can't help but feel sad. And even cry.
Every weekend we spend together I discover new things about my Principe which make me love him even more. This weekend, on Friday evening we were invited for dinner at my dad's and plusmom's. It was really amazing again. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the nice food and the nice atmosphere. Around midnight it was time to go home since we both were pretty tired.
On Saturday we slept in, and after a late breakfast we went food and alcohol shopping for the party later that day. My little nephew Storm was turning 11 and we were invited for swimming and playing games. But first, we decided to defrost my freezer and make it a little more ice-free. Teamwork! Vittorio was using the hammer and spatel to break the ice and in the meantime I was using my hair dryer to make it melt. After all that we were ready to go. At my uncle's we started making cocktails (Lazy Red Cheeks, Mojito's and Sex on The Beach, and also Gin Tonic's) to get the party started. Everyone was loving it (including us, haha). I played a few games of Kubb's and after that Vitto grabbed me and wanted to throw me in the pool. I grabbed his neck and wrapped my legs around him so it was not really possible :-P He put me down and we walked back. I said to my mom: yeah a big mouth but when it comes to it... Before I knew it, Vitto picked me up again and 10 seconds later I found myself in the pool. Luckily he joined as well a bit later :-D
The 2 weeks we spent apart feel like 4 weeks, and the 3 days of weekend only feel like 1. It's so unfair. Writing down all of this makes me feel a bit better. It's like therapy, letting the words come out and also my feelings. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have met him. That we are together. A little over a year ago I met that boy in his silly yellow swimming shorts and now I am moving in with him. And still: the sad feelings are also there when we are separated for a while again.
And now I'll try to stop being sad and go sort out some stuff before moving...
Every weekend we spend together I discover new things about my Principe which make me love him even more. This weekend, on Friday evening we were invited for dinner at my dad's and plusmom's. It was really amazing again. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the nice food and the nice atmosphere. Around midnight it was time to go home since we both were pretty tired.
On Saturday we slept in, and after a late breakfast we went food and alcohol shopping for the party later that day. My little nephew Storm was turning 11 and we were invited for swimming and playing games. But first, we decided to defrost my freezer and make it a little more ice-free. Teamwork! Vittorio was using the hammer and spatel to break the ice and in the meantime I was using my hair dryer to make it melt. After all that we were ready to go. At my uncle's we started making cocktails (Lazy Red Cheeks, Mojito's and Sex on The Beach, and also Gin Tonic's) to get the party started. Everyone was loving it (including us, haha). I played a few games of Kubb's and after that Vitto grabbed me and wanted to throw me in the pool. I grabbed his neck and wrapped my legs around him so it was not really possible :-P He put me down and we walked back. I said to my mom: yeah a big mouth but when it comes to it... Before I knew it, Vitto picked me up again and 10 seconds later I found myself in the pool. Luckily he joined as well a bit later :-D
The 2 weeks we spent apart feel like 4 weeks, and the 3 days of weekend only feel like 1. It's so unfair. Writing down all of this makes me feel a bit better. It's like therapy, letting the words come out and also my feelings. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have met him. That we are together. A little over a year ago I met that boy in his silly yellow swimming shorts and now I am moving in with him. And still: the sad feelings are also there when we are separated for a while again.
And now I'll try to stop being sad and go sort out some stuff before moving...
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Stressy vs. Calm
I think one of the big plusses in this relationship is Vittorio's calmness. I have the tendency to stress about almost everything. Vittorio on the other hand is a very calm and relaxed person. At the beginning of our relationship I was still very anxious after all that happened with Redlef.
What if it goes wrong again? What if the distance between Hasselt and Amsterdam gets in between us? What if we just can't do this Long Distance Relationship thing? What if he meets someone else? For how long will we do this? Should I move to Amsterdam? But what about my furniture? And my car? Will his parents like me? Will there be a language barrier? I should learn Italian quickly. I'm telling you, once my brain sneaks into panick mode, it's all there.
Luckily I can talk to my man about my worries, my fears, my insecurities and he always knows how to calm me down again.
For example: we are planning a 3 day trip to the Ardens next week. We are going to the spa in Spa (hah!) for 1 day and I was reading reviews about it online. Not so good reviews. People saying it was more like an overrated pool instead of a spa. Too expensive for what it's worth. Oh no. I started panicking again. Should we just book 3 hours instead of an entire day then? Should we buy a combi-ticket with lunch included or not? What if it sucks and we want to get out? I told Vitto we might get dissapointed after Thermae 2000, but his words were: don't worry, we make the best out of it! And of course, he is right. That instantly calmed me down. We will make the best out of it.
After almost half a year of 'officially' being with Vitto and 10 months of knowing him, I already came a long way. I have my moments of insecurity of jealousy, but I can more easily get over them as well. Maybe it's a mix of his responding to my actions and the yoga classes I have been taking that made me this much more relaxed.
It also made me wonder if a 'calm' person with calmer hobbies might be exactly what a more nervous and anxious person needs. I think so. If I compare with who I was 1 year ago, with also a very nervous and also constantly active person, I changed a lot! His nervousness empowered mine and probably vice versa. And now maybe my 'great range of emotions' is also helping Vittorio express his. He knows I will understand and he can tell me anything.
I am looking forward to our little holiday that starts on thursday!! :-)
Luckily I can talk to my man about my worries, my fears, my insecurities and he always knows how to calm me down again.
For example: we are planning a 3 day trip to the Ardens next week. We are going to the spa in Spa (hah!) for 1 day and I was reading reviews about it online. Not so good reviews. People saying it was more like an overrated pool instead of a spa. Too expensive for what it's worth. Oh no. I started panicking again. Should we just book 3 hours instead of an entire day then? Should we buy a combi-ticket with lunch included or not? What if it sucks and we want to get out? I told Vitto we might get dissapointed after Thermae 2000, but his words were: don't worry, we make the best out of it! And of course, he is right. That instantly calmed me down. We will make the best out of it.
After almost half a year of 'officially' being with Vitto and 10 months of knowing him, I already came a long way. I have my moments of insecurity of jealousy, but I can more easily get over them as well. Maybe it's a mix of his responding to my actions and the yoga classes I have been taking that made me this much more relaxed.
It also made me wonder if a 'calm' person with calmer hobbies might be exactly what a more nervous and anxious person needs. I think so. If I compare with who I was 1 year ago, with also a very nervous and also constantly active person, I changed a lot! His nervousness empowered mine and probably vice versa. And now maybe my 'great range of emotions' is also helping Vittorio express his. He knows I will understand and he can tell me anything.
I am looking forward to our little holiday that starts on thursday!! :-)
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