Waves

Yesterday I was mean to him for no reason.

I came home from work really annoyed. I don't know why, nothing happened or anything. He texted me around 6 to let me know he would finish one call and then come home. At 6.30 he texted me he would leave in 5 min. Again this annoyed me. When he eventually came home, he was his nice and sweet self. He came to kiss me as usual and gave me a hug. I still could not let it go, During the day, I texted him "thank you for being you". He did not read the message, but was online at 16:09. I asked him what that was all about. He must've thought I had gone crazy. He wanted to finish a work mail and then would hear how my day went. After sending the work mail he said: ok, now a quick call to my parents and then I start to prepare dinner. Irritated I said: oh right, those are your priorities, right? Work, your parents, dinner and than me. Thanks. During dinner he got some messages from colleagues, and he replied to them, instead of making time for me. Fine, I said, I'll take my phone as well so we can both be anti-social.

After dinner, we wanted to watch an episode of Breaking Bad, but it seemed I was missing that one episode. So we logged in to Netflix to watch. Afterwards Vitto wanted to read, so I put on the movie P.S. I love you. And then the tears started to come. I just needed to get all these negative emotions out. I was done with feeling like that, but didn't know why. I hoped crying would help me to feel better. Luckily it did, weird as it might seem.

I lay awake quite a while last night thinking about the evening and why I acted like I did. The only thing I could come up with is that it's my insecurity acting up. On my best days, I am kind, loving, funny, happy. But something started feeding this negativity, and it probably was me. After Vittorio told me about his promotion, I was of course very happy for him, but also a bit worried. I liked the way our work/life balance was now. We came home at reasonable hours, had a lot of time together. The past weeks Vitto was in Italy quite a lot. I was doing fine, had no problem with him being abroad. Of course I missed him, but in general, I was fine. When he came back, I noticed the balance had shifted. Some things at his work caused him having to spend more time on it. Again a few hours of working on Saturday, on Sunday. Starting to make a few phone calls in the evening, Being dead tired already around 22h. Of course, he would still give me attention but I can see the fire in his eyes is becoming less.

He is worried, and that anxiety is projected on me. I am scared that his job will change our relationship. I know I am quite a needy person. And now, with the balance shifting, I become restless and asking for even more attention, knowing he is preoccupied at work and might not be able to give it. And as a reaction to that, I push him away or intentionally try to get an upset reaction from him to be able to say "See, I told you this would happen". But it's me who is provoking it. 

I don't know. These are all just theories, or random thoughts. I am just longing for spring, for summer, for sunshine, for warmth, Because I cannot seem to find it in myself at the moment...

Book writing - Growing

Sunday evening. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room. My living room. It's still so surreal. I know I don't actually own anything here. But I feel so grateful. It feels like this is right where I am supposed to be. 

"Amore
Croatia 25th-28th may?
With Alex and Co?
There is a festival as far as I understood"

"Nice, sure!
How much is it?"

"Don't worry about that, it is from Sara and the new guy money
Love you <3"

"BTW I booked something for San Valentine X <3 "

Is this all really happening? I am with this amazing man who takes such good care of me. We are a good couple. I feel we have something strong and solid here. He took the time to read my book. Page per page. Also the pages that were smeared by my tears.  Up until the day we met. And now, he is part of every new chapter. The pages that are still unwritten, we will write together.

Sometimes when we lie in bed together and he is still reading a book, I just stare at him. I stare as my heart fills with so much love and I can't help but think how much I love him. And that's quite remarkable. Flashback:

I still remember when we were just together how fragile, scared and insecure I was. Scared of being hurt again. Of being used, just for fun. Nothing serious. I was very anxious and had very little trust in him. Somewhere in my mind, there was a voice that kept telling me to be careful. Not to get too attached because I might get disposed once again. We had fun together, it felt comfortable, he seemed sincere. But I was cautious.

He stayed consistent. We got together officially in november. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, texting me goodmorning every day and goodnight every evening. He bought a new iPad and immediately the first time he brought it to my place, he put my fingerprints in the system so I had access at all times. Same for his new iPhone. Until today, he still doesn't realise the impact of this.

When he was taking a shower at my appartment and left his phone behind, like a maniac I would go through all his messages, only to discover he was completely in love with me and had nothing to hide. I felt ashamed afterwards of doing it, but also relieved that there was no hurt, no dissapointment, no cheating. After a few times, there would be one time I thought "yeah never mind, he has nothing to hide anyway". And then 2 times in a row. I'm not saying I completely stopped checking on him - but the fear is slowly fading away and the trust is growing. He gave me this huge amount of trust of letting me into his life and personal messages. Messages I had no business with, but he knew and knows how important this is to me.

I also tell him when I checked his phone again. He doesn't care, or at least doesn't tell me if it bothers him. But I feel confident knowing that there will be a day that I will no longer check his phone. I will have beaten this fear, this anxiety. And that again, will be a next chapter in my book of life with him.

Xoxo

Claudia