Waves

Yesterday I was mean to him for no reason.

I came home from work really annoyed. I don't know why, nothing happened or anything. He texted me around 6 to let me know he would finish one call and then come home. At 6.30 he texted me he would leave in 5 min. Again this annoyed me. When he eventually came home, he was his nice and sweet self. He came to kiss me as usual and gave me a hug. I still could not let it go, During the day, I texted him "thank you for being you". He did not read the message, but was online at 16:09. I asked him what that was all about. He must've thought I had gone crazy. He wanted to finish a work mail and then would hear how my day went. After sending the work mail he said: ok, now a quick call to my parents and then I start to prepare dinner. Irritated I said: oh right, those are your priorities, right? Work, your parents, dinner and than me. Thanks. During dinner he got some messages from colleagues, and he replied to them, instead of making time for me. Fine, I said, I'll take my phone as well so we can both be anti-social.

After dinner, we wanted to watch an episode of Breaking Bad, but it seemed I was missing that one episode. So we logged in to Netflix to watch. Afterwards Vitto wanted to read, so I put on the movie P.S. I love you. And then the tears started to come. I just needed to get all these negative emotions out. I was done with feeling like that, but didn't know why. I hoped crying would help me to feel better. Luckily it did, weird as it might seem.

I lay awake quite a while last night thinking about the evening and why I acted like I did. The only thing I could come up with is that it's my insecurity acting up. On my best days, I am kind, loving, funny, happy. But something started feeding this negativity, and it probably was me. After Vittorio told me about his promotion, I was of course very happy for him, but also a bit worried. I liked the way our work/life balance was now. We came home at reasonable hours, had a lot of time together. The past weeks Vitto was in Italy quite a lot. I was doing fine, had no problem with him being abroad. Of course I missed him, but in general, I was fine. When he came back, I noticed the balance had shifted. Some things at his work caused him having to spend more time on it. Again a few hours of working on Saturday, on Sunday. Starting to make a few phone calls in the evening, Being dead tired already around 22h. Of course, he would still give me attention but I can see the fire in his eyes is becoming less.

He is worried, and that anxiety is projected on me. I am scared that his job will change our relationship. I know I am quite a needy person. And now, with the balance shifting, I become restless and asking for even more attention, knowing he is preoccupied at work and might not be able to give it. And as a reaction to that, I push him away or intentionally try to get an upset reaction from him to be able to say "See, I told you this would happen". But it's me who is provoking it. 

I don't know. These are all just theories, or random thoughts. I am just longing for spring, for summer, for sunshine, for warmth, Because I cannot seem to find it in myself at the moment...

Book writing - Growing

Sunday evening. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room. My living room. It's still so surreal. I know I don't actually own anything here. But I feel so grateful. It feels like this is right where I am supposed to be. 

"Amore
Croatia 25th-28th may?
With Alex and Co?
There is a festival as far as I understood"

"Nice, sure!
How much is it?"

"Don't worry about that, it is from Sara and the new guy money
Love you <3"

"BTW I booked something for San Valentine X <3 "

Is this all really happening? I am with this amazing man who takes such good care of me. We are a good couple. I feel we have something strong and solid here. He took the time to read my book. Page per page. Also the pages that were smeared by my tears.  Up until the day we met. And now, he is part of every new chapter. The pages that are still unwritten, we will write together.

Sometimes when we lie in bed together and he is still reading a book, I just stare at him. I stare as my heart fills with so much love and I can't help but think how much I love him. And that's quite remarkable. Flashback:

I still remember when we were just together how fragile, scared and insecure I was. Scared of being hurt again. Of being used, just for fun. Nothing serious. I was very anxious and had very little trust in him. Somewhere in my mind, there was a voice that kept telling me to be careful. Not to get too attached because I might get disposed once again. We had fun together, it felt comfortable, he seemed sincere. But I was cautious.

He stayed consistent. We got together officially in november. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, texting me goodmorning every day and goodnight every evening. He bought a new iPad and immediately the first time he brought it to my place, he put my fingerprints in the system so I had access at all times. Same for his new iPhone. Until today, he still doesn't realise the impact of this.

When he was taking a shower at my appartment and left his phone behind, like a maniac I would go through all his messages, only to discover he was completely in love with me and had nothing to hide. I felt ashamed afterwards of doing it, but also relieved that there was no hurt, no dissapointment, no cheating. After a few times, there would be one time I thought "yeah never mind, he has nothing to hide anyway". And then 2 times in a row. I'm not saying I completely stopped checking on him - but the fear is slowly fading away and the trust is growing. He gave me this huge amount of trust of letting me into his life and personal messages. Messages I had no business with, but he knew and knows how important this is to me.

I also tell him when I checked his phone again. He doesn't care, or at least doesn't tell me if it bothers him. But I feel confident knowing that there will be a day that I will no longer check his phone. I will have beaten this fear, this anxiety. And that again, will be a next chapter in my book of life with him.

Xoxo

Claudia

Eye-openers

I have the feeling that I have grown up so much in the past year. I have become so much calmer and kinder to myself. And even though I should not tell him, I believe a lot of credit belongs to my amazing Vittorio.

I am reading a book now with the very nice title "the ideal woman is a bitch". It describes the difference between a (too) nice woman and how she is treated by men and a self-respecting woman (the so called bitch). The first one will do everything she can to please her crush/man causing him to lose all intrest pretty soon because there is no more hunt in it for him. The second category or the bitch doesn't wait around for a man. Her selfrespect is too big for this. She will not jump for him and this makes him want her even more.

I realised that I was always more of a type 1 woman. If I am in love and committed to someone, I tend to put that other person before me and my own happiness. It's not like I will do something entirely against my will, but I would be a bit of a push-over I think. 

The book also opened my eyes for how men treat women. Example:

The difference between the spontanious guy who uses you when he can't think of anything better (will refer to him as 1.) and the spontanious guy who is crazy about you (will refer to him as 2.)

1. His best mates always come in 1st place
2. His friends are complaining and teasing that they never see him again but he doesn't care.

1. He makes plans for trips with his friends but never invites you.
2. He keeps asking if you can get some time off so you can do stuff together

1. He calls to cancel plans for the same night. Later you call him back and you get his voicemail. The next day he calls you with a lame excuse.
2. If he has to cancel on you, he truly feels bad. He calls you as soon as he gets back from where he had to go because he has nothing to hide and wants you to know this.

1. He almost never takes you out and when he does it can surely not cost too much money. Maybe he will even ask you for a loan. Before you know it, you will be paying for his studies.
2. He will do everything to see you smile.

1. You let him know you have 1 free evening in the weekend. And even though he worked the entire week, he doesn't make himself available for you.
2. He almost always comes when you are available, unless he is away for his job or other important stuff.

Number 1 was Redlef in the end. Number 2 is Vittorio. 
A huge difference. But why did you put up with that, you might ask.

At that time I still was that too nice person. I have been through so much and I just wanted to be loved and taken care of. In the beginning, he did. But after 4 months it started changing.
Not with Vittorio. He is consisent in everything he does. Now that we live together, every morning he kisses me after he silenced his alarm clock. And when he leaves for work, he comes back for another kiss and to wish me a good day at work.

After more than a year of being together, he is still the same sweetheart and he keeps surprising me with how nice he treats me. Complimenting me every day, making me feel special. The relationship with Redlef was an eye-opener that I deserve so much better. And look... I immediately got the very best. 

xoxo

Sad feelings

Even though I am moving in with my boyfriend in less than 2 months, I still get sad when we have to say goodbye after having spent the weekend together. Saying goodbye is so hard. Returning to an empty appartment, where only half an hour ago we were still cuddling. I know I should smile and be happy because we have such a good relationship - and I am - but the first moments being back here alone, I can't help but feel sad. And even cry.

Every weekend we spend together I discover new things about my Principe which make me love him even more. This weekend, on Friday evening we were invited for dinner at my dad's and plusmom's. It was really amazing again. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the nice food and the nice atmosphere. Around midnight it was time to go home since we both were pretty tired.

On Saturday we slept in, and after a late breakfast we went food and alcohol shopping for the party later that day. My little nephew Storm was turning 11 and we were invited for swimming and playing games. But first, we decided to defrost my freezer and make it a little more ice-free. Teamwork! Vittorio was using the hammer and spatel to break the ice and in the meantime I was using my hair dryer to make it melt. After all that we were ready to go. At my uncle's we started making cocktails (Lazy Red Cheeks, Mojito's and Sex on The Beach, and also Gin Tonic's) to get the party started. Everyone was loving it (including us, haha). I played a few games of Kubb's and after that Vitto grabbed me and wanted to throw me in the pool. I grabbed his neck and wrapped my legs around him so it was not really possible :-P He put me down and we walked back. I said to my mom: yeah a big mouth but when it comes to it... Before I knew it, Vitto picked me up again and 10 seconds later I found myself in the pool. Luckily he joined as well a bit later :-D

The 2 weeks we spent apart feel like 4 weeks, and the 3 days of weekend only feel like 1. It's so unfair. Writing down all of this makes me feel a bit better. It's like therapy, letting the words come out and also my feelings. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have met him. That we are together. A little over a year ago I met that boy in his silly yellow swimming shorts and now I am moving in with him. And still: the sad feelings are also there when we are separated for a while again. 

And now I'll try to stop being sad and go sort out some stuff before moving...

Reassuring love

I have had my fair share of relationships so far. At the age of 27 I had about 12 of them. Some lasted only 2 weeks, others lasted 2 years. Sometimes I ended them, sometimes the other party did. You might find that number quite a lot by the way - or maybe not at all. I have been judged about it by some exes, but now I don't care anymore.

I have learned from each and every relationship and know now more than ever what I want and need and more importantly: what I don't want at all. Relationships can either give you energy, or drain you completely. This time - I think I met someone very special. I am a chronic overthinker, I just can't help myself from (over)analysing things.   I panick way too easily and let the made up scenario's in my head get to me. I realise this very well, but it is so hard to stop.

Anyway, the point I was getting to is that Vittorio is so much different from all the relationships I have had so far. My last couple of boyfriends I met through online dating because I believed that this was a perfect way of getting to know each other online and see if you are a good match. I think it is only now that I fully realise what a distorted image that can give you. Someone can pretend to be all they want online and write the nicest things, but be completely different when you are in a relationship with them.

If I met Vittorio online - which would not be much likely since he lives in Amsterdam - I am not sure we would have gotten to the point where we are now. I don't know. We are pretty different types of people with different intrests. I am very extraverted, he is more introverted. He likes to read about more 'intelligent' stuff where I lose myself in a brainless novel or a good (auto)biography. He loves history where I barely can remember anything I ever learned. I am emotional where he is super rational.

Again, the differences scared me (and honestly still scare me sometimes). But I also realised that these differences might just be how we complete each other. He calms me down where I can make him more extraverted. I am the planner where he is disorganized. He can teach me about history and I can teach him .. Well I don't know actually. Something else ;-)

But the love we share... It is so reassuring. He took the time to read me, get to know and understand me. And I did the same with him. Where at first I was very suspicious about getting hurt again that I tested his loyalty so much. I checked his phone (not proud of that) but I had to know he was true. After knowing each other for 1 year now and being "official" for about 8 months, I feel this calmness that I haven't felt for a very long time. We just returned from our first 10-day holiday together (which also went very very well) and I feel like the love is stronger than ever.

Even though at first he might not be what I was looking for, he turned out to be everything I need. Reassuring love.