Book writing - Growing

Sunday evening. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room. My living room. It's still so surreal. I know I don't actually own anything here. But I feel so grateful. It feels like this is right where I am supposed to be. 

"Amore
Croatia 25th-28th may?
With Alex and Co?
There is a festival as far as I understood"

"Nice, sure!
How much is it?"

"Don't worry about that, it is from Sara and the new guy money
Love you <3"

"BTW I booked something for San Valentine X <3 "

Is this all really happening? I am with this amazing man who takes such good care of me. We are a good couple. I feel we have something strong and solid here. He took the time to read my book. Page per page. Also the pages that were smeared by my tears.  Up until the day we met. And now, he is part of every new chapter. The pages that are still unwritten, we will write together.

Sometimes when we lie in bed together and he is still reading a book, I just stare at him. I stare as my heart fills with so much love and I can't help but think how much I love him. And that's quite remarkable. Flashback:

I still remember when we were just together how fragile, scared and insecure I was. Scared of being hurt again. Of being used, just for fun. Nothing serious. I was very anxious and had very little trust in him. Somewhere in my mind, there was a voice that kept telling me to be careful. Not to get too attached because I might get disposed once again. We had fun together, it felt comfortable, he seemed sincere. But I was cautious.

He stayed consistent. We got together officially in november. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, texting me goodmorning every day and goodnight every evening. He bought a new iPad and immediately the first time he brought it to my place, he put my fingerprints in the system so I had access at all times. Same for his new iPhone. Until today, he still doesn't realise the impact of this.

When he was taking a shower at my appartment and left his phone behind, like a maniac I would go through all his messages, only to discover he was completely in love with me and had nothing to hide. I felt ashamed afterwards of doing it, but also relieved that there was no hurt, no dissapointment, no cheating. After a few times, there would be one time I thought "yeah never mind, he has nothing to hide anyway". And then 2 times in a row. I'm not saying I completely stopped checking on him - but the fear is slowly fading away and the trust is growing. He gave me this huge amount of trust of letting me into his life and personal messages. Messages I had no business with, but he knew and knows how important this is to me.

I also tell him when I checked his phone again. He doesn't care, or at least doesn't tell me if it bothers him. But I feel confident knowing that there will be a day that I will no longer check his phone. I will have beaten this fear, this anxiety. And that again, will be a next chapter in my book of life with him.

Xoxo

Claudia

Home is where the heart is

A couple of months ago, my boyfriend and me started talking about moving in together. We almost knew each other for a year, the Long Distance Relationship was tiring because there was always something going on with the trains. Strikes, cancelled trains. More than once I had to drive an hour to Antwerp or Leuven to pick him up at a station because he could not get further. Very frustrating, and time and gas-consuming. In december my rental contract for my appartment will end, and I would have to get a new contract for at least 1 year.

Did we really want to go back and forth for one more year? We were both not very keen on that idea. I prefer to just take the jump and move in together. If it works out: super. If it doesn't: too bad. But at least we know it sooner then. He agreed with me. Ok, so I should start looking for a job in Amsterdam. This could take a while. There is no hurry in it either. I should find a job that really suits me. So I started looking. And pretty fast I found something that I liked. Very much. So I prepared my resumé in English, wrote a motivational letter and sent it out. Shortly after that, I got a reply from the company with some extra questions, and if these questions matched their expectations they would invite me to some online tests.
Wow. I answered their questions, got a mail back that it was indeed a match and was invited to the tests.

After passing the tests, I got invited to a 1st job interview (which was the day before yesterday). It was via Skype so I did not have to travel 6h back and forth to Amsterdam for a 1h interview. It went very well and smooth and both parties agreed that it was a nice 1st interview. I would hear from them before the end of the week if I was selected for the 2nd and 3rd interview. Today I got an e-mail that I am selected for part 2 and 3.

Wow wow wow. This is all going pretty fast. What happened to taking it nice and easy? In only 2,5 months I went from slowly applying to almost having a job. And I will be perfectly honest about it: I am terrified. If I get the job, I will leave everything behind and move to Amsterdam, to my Principe. I have never taken a leap of faith this big. Normally I would be in charge, in the 'safe' position. Now I depend fully on him. If he doesn't want to continue his life with me, I am being kicked out. And then what? Back to Belgium? Can I afford to stay in Amsterdam all by myself?

Sshhhht Claudia. Stop with this overthinking again. But I just like to know what I'm up for. Have a plan B in my head. But as my best friend told me: if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. And that is a piece of wisdom I cannot deny.

I am scared of a lot of things. Feeling alone, missing family and friends, that it might go wrong between Vitto and me. That we are rushing it. To get hurt.

But I also look forward to so many things: living together for the 1st time with someone who also has a stable job and income, who loves me 200%, a new job in a big company, a new and exciting city, making new friends.

Of course putting 2 different people with 2 different backgrounds in 1 house is quite the challenge. I don't expect rainbows and unicorns. But I am sure we will work it out. Because I love him, and I know he loves me. And then it doesn't matter where I live geographically. Home is where the heart is. And my heart is with him.