Waves

Yesterday I was mean to him for no reason.

I came home from work really annoyed. I don't know why, nothing happened or anything. He texted me around 6 to let me know he would finish one call and then come home. At 6.30 he texted me he would leave in 5 min. Again this annoyed me. When he eventually came home, he was his nice and sweet self. He came to kiss me as usual and gave me a hug. I still could not let it go, During the day, I texted him "thank you for being you". He did not read the message, but was online at 16:09. I asked him what that was all about. He must've thought I had gone crazy. He wanted to finish a work mail and then would hear how my day went. After sending the work mail he said: ok, now a quick call to my parents and then I start to prepare dinner. Irritated I said: oh right, those are your priorities, right? Work, your parents, dinner and than me. Thanks. During dinner he got some messages from colleagues, and he replied to them, instead of making time for me. Fine, I said, I'll take my phone as well so we can both be anti-social.

After dinner, we wanted to watch an episode of Breaking Bad, but it seemed I was missing that one episode. So we logged in to Netflix to watch. Afterwards Vitto wanted to read, so I put on the movie P.S. I love you. And then the tears started to come. I just needed to get all these negative emotions out. I was done with feeling like that, but didn't know why. I hoped crying would help me to feel better. Luckily it did, weird as it might seem.

I lay awake quite a while last night thinking about the evening and why I acted like I did. The only thing I could come up with is that it's my insecurity acting up. On my best days, I am kind, loving, funny, happy. But something started feeding this negativity, and it probably was me. After Vittorio told me about his promotion, I was of course very happy for him, but also a bit worried. I liked the way our work/life balance was now. We came home at reasonable hours, had a lot of time together. The past weeks Vitto was in Italy quite a lot. I was doing fine, had no problem with him being abroad. Of course I missed him, but in general, I was fine. When he came back, I noticed the balance had shifted. Some things at his work caused him having to spend more time on it. Again a few hours of working on Saturday, on Sunday. Starting to make a few phone calls in the evening, Being dead tired already around 22h. Of course, he would still give me attention but I can see the fire in his eyes is becoming less.

He is worried, and that anxiety is projected on me. I am scared that his job will change our relationship. I know I am quite a needy person. And now, with the balance shifting, I become restless and asking for even more attention, knowing he is preoccupied at work and might not be able to give it. And as a reaction to that, I push him away or intentionally try to get an upset reaction from him to be able to say "See, I told you this would happen". But it's me who is provoking it. 

I don't know. These are all just theories, or random thoughts. I am just longing for spring, for summer, for sunshine, for warmth, Because I cannot seem to find it in myself at the moment...