Self-confidence

"Oh c'mon, you have absolutely nothing to be insecure about! You are a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities!"

I wish this was enough to make all my insecurities disappear. But unfortunately, it's not that simple.

Maybe it started when I was 18 years old, and in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with someone who lived 2 hours away. He cheated on me (maybe even multiple times). Or maybe the relationship after that - my longest relationship ever. 2,5 years with a boyfriend who thought he was slightly superior than me. Because let's face it: my field of study was an easy one, something the people without real plans would do. And my face without make-up looked like a 16-year old in her puberty. I should think about heavy antibiotics against the acne. The type that destroys your body from within, but hey: at least you don't have acne anymore. And I already suffered from a weak stomach...

Or maybe it was even later. When I was about 22, and my parents got divorced. My home, the place where I grew up would be sold and I had to move. I had a new relationship at that time with someone even more insecure than me. Or it was just all the weed that he smoked that made him paranoid. Always stating that I have a problem, that I don't talk about my feelings and I don't see that I have a problem. If only I could really see my part why this relationship is going bad, we could make something good out of it!

Or the final one: last year, being with someone who carries you on both hands, surprising you with flowers or sweet notes almost every time you are together. The idea of living together popped up multiple times but he wanted to wait until we created a stable environment. He was just starting as an independent electrician. We could talk for hours, we had the most crazy conversations and everything felt so nice. It seemed like I had found the man of my dreams. Until he started disappearing. Not replying to messages or phone calls. Discovering edgy texts from other girls. Also this was a long distance relationship where we would only see each other in the weekends. This last one was Redlef, the main reason why I started this blog. You can read the developments of our relationship here online. He had this strategy of pulling me close and then pushing me away again, making me feel so vulnerable and insecure about myself. And then, the truth came out: the entire time we were dating, he also had another girlfriend. Me in the weekends and  as the official girlfriend, and her during the week to have sex. This destroyed me, and every last belief in relationships I had.

So tell me, if I am such a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities, why wasn't I treated like one? Why was I only treated like an object for others to feel better about themselves?

People don't realise the damage which is done. The bad things do so much more damage than the sweet things can fix. I became an insecure, scared person who doesn't think very much of herself. I can play a part, and make you believe that I do. But deep down, I'm scarred. And scared. Only a person with a lot of patience will be able to fix this.


But also, deep down, I believe that I am worth fixing. I know that not all men are the same, and I just had bad luck. I am blessed and lucky that Vittorio has the patience of a saint. I'm not an easy one, but once you have my love it is unconditional.