A new chapter

"Hello, this is Claudia speaking"
- Hi Claudia, this is Marc and Froukje from Travix
"... Yes, hi.."
- There's no need to be so shy because we have good news for you: you've got the job!
"What? Oh my god. Wauw, thank you - I am really really happy!"

- The rest of the conversation is less important ;-) -

I put down the phone, trembling with joy. OH MY GOD I'VE GOT THE JOB!!!!
I could cry of joy. This is so unbelievable! I had 1 job interview, 1 vacancy I was interested in and in barely 2 months I have a job in Amsterdam! I called my manager and informed him with the good news. He was happy for me, but also sad because this meant I am actually leaving now. 

They would send me a job offer and after I agreed upon that they would prepare my contract. Start date: 11 october. 2 months from now. Aaaahhhh in 2 months I have to much to arrange!
Cancel all my contracts at home for water, gas, television. Either sell my furniture or store it for a year. Pack my stuff, get them to Amsterdam. Would I rent a moving company or just do it myself? Will I take my bike or buy a new one? My appartment has to be empty by the end of octobre so my items have to move first, then I need a lift to get all the big stuff out and go to the container park or storage room, and then the appartment has to be cleaned. Ok. No worries, I got this. I am a great planner so I'm sure I'll find a way of making it work.

Back to the job thing. This is actually happening. I will be the Campaign and Content manager for a big brand, in a big city and a big office with 220 people working there. I am moving to Amsterdam. Moving in with my boyfriend. Living together. This is so unbelievable. If you would have told me this one year ago, I would have laughed at you. I never imagined me living abroad. But somehow, I found the inner strength to take this huge leap of faith.

My Principe and I are starting a new chapter together. This is so exciting! I never imagined it going so fast but at the same time it just feels natural and right. Like the next logic step. Last weekend, I was in Amsterdam. Originally for the Gay Canal Pride, but as you read in a previous blogpost, Travix invited me for the 2nd and 3rd interview rounds on Wednesday. Interview with Business case to present on Monday. I went to my Principe on Friday with a lot of stress for this interview. I had to prepare a presentation about a fictional campaign I would do for Cheaptickets. Define target audience, orientation and decision making phase, online channels, how to measure. It has been a while since I had to do something like this but my Principe was amazing.

He gave me a book with amazing guidelines and let me work in peace. He went to the dry cleaning to drop off his costume, whilst I was working. In the afternoon, we had 'some' people over at the appartment to watch the Canal Parade from our window. With some people I mean about 20-25. It was pretty crowded, but also very nice! I talked to a lot of friends of Vittorio's, laughed A LOT and before I knew it, the day had passed. The Parade was over and people started leaving to go to the pub for another drink. Or 2. Honestly, I was exhausted. 8h of having people over and constantly talking is energy-consuming. Luckily, Vittorio felt the same way and we decided to stay home. 2 other guys came over for a coffee until 11pm but that was it. After they left, Vittorio said to me "I heard so many good things about you today and people liked you so much, I just cannot let you go anymore". This made my heart smile, and therefore my face as well. He is just so cute!

The day after the stress was back because I still had so much to do! Vitto went to a friend in the afternoon when I worked on the case and in the evening he went to the cinema when I worked on the case. I was sick and tired of spending the entire day on the couch working on that case but I had to finish! When Vitto came back from the cinema, we looked at my presentation together and he adapted some things here and there. It was 95% done when we went to bed. That day I realised what our lives would be like living together. Now, when visiting each other in the weekends we want to make every minute count so we don't do stuff apart. That Sunday spent mainly alone was a reality-check that this would be more like it. And I am ok with that.

It's funny, but since I got the confirmation that I have the job I have this feeling of "peace of mind". I feel so safe and secure in this relationship. So loved and cared for. One year ago I was like a scared little bird with a broken wing. Today I feel like a big, powerful Phoenix, ready to spread out my enormous wings and fly. Destination: a new chapter.

Inner calm and peace of mind

Yesterday I spent the entire day on myself. I woke up around 9.30, had breakfast and cleaned my appartment thoroughly because my landlord would come to take pictures of it. I enjoyed the cleaning and liked making my appartment "picture perfect". When the landlord had passed by, I changed clothes, grabbed my stuff and walked to the city centre. First goal: the Pandora shop. I had set my mind on the "Princess ring" and went straight for my target. 3 min later I walked out the shop with this beauty on my ring finger: 

My Precious <3  IT'S SO PRETTYYY

It was already 3 pm now and since I skipped lunch I was pretty hungry by now, so I started browsing for food. I walked to The Century (which is my favourite food place in Hasselt) and found myself a nice place on the terrace, in the sun. Aahh, lovely. I checked the menu but didn't feel like ordering a full meal since it was already way past lunch time. I figured, let's just order a snack and so I went for the "moelleux au chocolat". As I sat there, waiting for my order I enjoyed. The beautiful day, the sun on my skin, the people buzzing around me. It was just me on the terrace, but I was peaceful. Calm. After about 10 min my moelleux came - and it wasn't moelleux on the inside, grr :'( . But ok. I still enjoyed every scoop of it. After my snack break, I continued my strolling through the city. Went to a few shops, bought some stuff, reached my steps goal (doubled it even!) and around 6 pm it was time to go home. Well first to the supermarket to get stuff to prepare dinner.

I decided a healthy mind should also have a healthy body so I would go for grilled eggplant and zucchini with cherry tomatoes, avocado and raw salmon. As I collected that stuff at the supermarket, again I noticed this feeling of inner calm and strength in me. I felt strong, complete and happy. I went home, prepared my dinner and sat down the table to eat it mindfully. Not watch television while eating, but just sit, eat and be. No distractions. And I liked it.

The bottom line for this post is that I really enjoyed spending a day 'on my own'. I didn't HAVE to do anything but COULD to everything. I went where I wanted to, when I wanted to and came home when I was tired. I struggled for a long time to do things on my own, because I never really learned to be. I always prefered company. Now that I think about it, I guess it also had to do with my insecurities and my need to feel save and loved. Doing things alone can be scary when you don't feel confident about yourself. I am 27 now and I can finally say: I am ok with myself and by myself.

Self-confidence

"Oh c'mon, you have absolutely nothing to be insecure about! You are a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities!"

I wish this was enough to make all my insecurities disappear. But unfortunately, it's not that simple.

Maybe it started when I was 18 years old, and in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with someone who lived 2 hours away. He cheated on me (maybe even multiple times). Or maybe the relationship after that - my longest relationship ever. 2,5 years with a boyfriend who thought he was slightly superior than me. Because let's face it: my field of study was an easy one, something the people without real plans would do. And my face without make-up looked like a 16-year old in her puberty. I should think about heavy antibiotics against the acne. The type that destroys your body from within, but hey: at least you don't have acne anymore. And I already suffered from a weak stomach...

Or maybe it was even later. When I was about 22, and my parents got divorced. My home, the place where I grew up would be sold and I had to move. I had a new relationship at that time with someone even more insecure than me. Or it was just all the weed that he smoked that made him paranoid. Always stating that I have a problem, that I don't talk about my feelings and I don't see that I have a problem. If only I could really see my part why this relationship is going bad, we could make something good out of it!

Or the final one: last year, being with someone who carries you on both hands, surprising you with flowers or sweet notes almost every time you are together. The idea of living together popped up multiple times but he wanted to wait until we created a stable environment. He was just starting as an independent electrician. We could talk for hours, we had the most crazy conversations and everything felt so nice. It seemed like I had found the man of my dreams. Until he started disappearing. Not replying to messages or phone calls. Discovering edgy texts from other girls. Also this was a long distance relationship where we would only see each other in the weekends. This last one was Redlef, the main reason why I started this blog. You can read the developments of our relationship here online. He had this strategy of pulling me close and then pushing me away again, making me feel so vulnerable and insecure about myself. And then, the truth came out: the entire time we were dating, he also had another girlfriend. Me in the weekends and  as the official girlfriend, and her during the week to have sex. This destroyed me, and every last belief in relationships I had.

So tell me, if I am such a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities, why wasn't I treated like one? Why was I only treated like an object for others to feel better about themselves?

People don't realise the damage which is done. The bad things do so much more damage than the sweet things can fix. I became an insecure, scared person who doesn't think very much of herself. I can play a part, and make you believe that I do. But deep down, I'm scarred. And scared. Only a person with a lot of patience will be able to fix this.


But also, deep down, I believe that I am worth fixing. I know that not all men are the same, and I just had bad luck. I am blessed and lucky that Vittorio has the patience of a saint. I'm not an easy one, but once you have my love it is unconditional.