Home is where the heart is

A couple of months ago, my boyfriend and me started talking about moving in together. We almost knew each other for a year, the Long Distance Relationship was tiring because there was always something going on with the trains. Strikes, cancelled trains. More than once I had to drive an hour to Antwerp or Leuven to pick him up at a station because he could not get further. Very frustrating, and time and gas-consuming. In december my rental contract for my appartment will end, and I would have to get a new contract for at least 1 year.

Did we really want to go back and forth for one more year? We were both not very keen on that idea. I prefer to just take the jump and move in together. If it works out: super. If it doesn't: too bad. But at least we know it sooner then. He agreed with me. Ok, so I should start looking for a job in Amsterdam. This could take a while. There is no hurry in it either. I should find a job that really suits me. So I started looking. And pretty fast I found something that I liked. Very much. So I prepared my resumé in English, wrote a motivational letter and sent it out. Shortly after that, I got a reply from the company with some extra questions, and if these questions matched their expectations they would invite me to some online tests.
Wow. I answered their questions, got a mail back that it was indeed a match and was invited to the tests.

After passing the tests, I got invited to a 1st job interview (which was the day before yesterday). It was via Skype so I did not have to travel 6h back and forth to Amsterdam for a 1h interview. It went very well and smooth and both parties agreed that it was a nice 1st interview. I would hear from them before the end of the week if I was selected for the 2nd and 3rd interview. Today I got an e-mail that I am selected for part 2 and 3.

Wow wow wow. This is all going pretty fast. What happened to taking it nice and easy? In only 2,5 months I went from slowly applying to almost having a job. And I will be perfectly honest about it: I am terrified. If I get the job, I will leave everything behind and move to Amsterdam, to my Principe. I have never taken a leap of faith this big. Normally I would be in charge, in the 'safe' position. Now I depend fully on him. If he doesn't want to continue his life with me, I am being kicked out. And then what? Back to Belgium? Can I afford to stay in Amsterdam all by myself?

Sshhhht Claudia. Stop with this overthinking again. But I just like to know what I'm up for. Have a plan B in my head. But as my best friend told me: if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. And that is a piece of wisdom I cannot deny.

I am scared of a lot of things. Feeling alone, missing family and friends, that it might go wrong between Vitto and me. That we are rushing it. To get hurt.

But I also look forward to so many things: living together for the 1st time with someone who also has a stable job and income, who loves me 200%, a new job in a big company, a new and exciting city, making new friends.

Of course putting 2 different people with 2 different backgrounds in 1 house is quite the challenge. I don't expect rainbows and unicorns. But I am sure we will work it out. Because I love him, and I know he loves me. And then it doesn't matter where I live geographically. Home is where the heart is. And my heart is with him.

Self-confidence

"Oh c'mon, you have absolutely nothing to be insecure about! You are a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities!"

I wish this was enough to make all my insecurities disappear. But unfortunately, it's not that simple.

Maybe it started when I was 18 years old, and in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with someone who lived 2 hours away. He cheated on me (maybe even multiple times). Or maybe the relationship after that - my longest relationship ever. 2,5 years with a boyfriend who thought he was slightly superior than me. Because let's face it: my field of study was an easy one, something the people without real plans would do. And my face without make-up looked like a 16-year old in her puberty. I should think about heavy antibiotics against the acne. The type that destroys your body from within, but hey: at least you don't have acne anymore. And I already suffered from a weak stomach...

Or maybe it was even later. When I was about 22, and my parents got divorced. My home, the place where I grew up would be sold and I had to move. I had a new relationship at that time with someone even more insecure than me. Or it was just all the weed that he smoked that made him paranoid. Always stating that I have a problem, that I don't talk about my feelings and I don't see that I have a problem. If only I could really see my part why this relationship is going bad, we could make something good out of it!

Or the final one: last year, being with someone who carries you on both hands, surprising you with flowers or sweet notes almost every time you are together. The idea of living together popped up multiple times but he wanted to wait until we created a stable environment. He was just starting as an independent electrician. We could talk for hours, we had the most crazy conversations and everything felt so nice. It seemed like I had found the man of my dreams. Until he started disappearing. Not replying to messages or phone calls. Discovering edgy texts from other girls. Also this was a long distance relationship where we would only see each other in the weekends. This last one was Redlef, the main reason why I started this blog. You can read the developments of our relationship here online. He had this strategy of pulling me close and then pushing me away again, making me feel so vulnerable and insecure about myself. And then, the truth came out: the entire time we were dating, he also had another girlfriend. Me in the weekends and  as the official girlfriend, and her during the week to have sex. This destroyed me, and every last belief in relationships I had.

So tell me, if I am such a beautiful, nice girl with so many capacities, why wasn't I treated like one? Why was I only treated like an object for others to feel better about themselves?

People don't realise the damage which is done. The bad things do so much more damage than the sweet things can fix. I became an insecure, scared person who doesn't think very much of herself. I can play a part, and make you believe that I do. But deep down, I'm scarred. And scared. Only a person with a lot of patience will be able to fix this.


But also, deep down, I believe that I am worth fixing. I know that not all men are the same, and I just had bad luck. I am blessed and lucky that Vittorio has the patience of a saint. I'm not an easy one, but once you have my love it is unconditional.

And then...

"And then without even realizing it, with no warning at all, you will finally meet the one person that will end up meaning the world to you. Their presence in your life will enhance everything around you. Your attitude will become more pleasant. Your goals and dreams will seem like they are more attainable. They won't judge you or make you feel unappreciated. It will never be perfect timing but, you both will still manage to fit into each other's lives perfectly. You both will never have the perfect relationship but, this relationship will feel like it's the easiest relationship you have ever been in. You will help each other grow. You will encourage each other during the hardest times. You both will keep each other lifted when life wants to keep you both down. You really can't put a price on having a true companion in your corner to go through life with. The right person will make you feel like a weight has been lifted. They will help you breathe easier."


I come across beautiful or inspirational quotes almost every day. Comes with following those pages on social media ;-) Just reading them makes me hopeful about my future as well.
I used to believe that my prince on a white horse would be a love at first sight thing, crazy butterflies, that it all clicks from the first moment and everything is picture perfect. And if it's not, it's not true love.

As I grew older, I started realizing that I was hoping for the impossible. Relationships are never picture perfect. How can it ever be when you put 2 different characters with different backgrounds and values together? It takes time to get to know one another and to accept the other for who they are. Expecting them to change for you or having to change for them will not work in the long term. It's always possible to compromise of course.

I am an extremely emotional person who needs a lot of attention when in a relationship. I know this of myself, and so does my boyfriend. He on the other hand is more on himself and calm, independent. I'm not saying that I depend on him, but what I mean is that he is completely comfortable with being alone, where I tend to prefer to have people around.

I think we found a good way in between with hearing each other every morning, evening and a couple of times in between during the day. We have a Long Distance Relationshop (LDR) going for now (he in Amsterdam, me in Belgium) so that doesn't really help with the emotions and the attention, ahem. Luckily he understands my need to hear from him a lot, and I understand that he needs his me-time as well. I try not to bother him all the time and he tries to text me more. Because we value each other and each others feelings.

So no, this was not an 'instant click' thing. It is something we discussed and indicated what we both needed. I think it's beautiful when you can develop a good, strong relationship like that. Communication is key. You cannot expect the other person to know what is going on in your head and how you see things. And if you are different on some areas, talk about it and see if you can compromise. 

Stressy vs. Calm

I think one of the big plusses in this relationship is Vittorio's calmness. I have the tendency to stress about almost everything. Vittorio on the other hand is a very calm and relaxed person. At the beginning of our relationship I was still very anxious after all that happened with Redlef.

What if it goes wrong again? What if the distance between Hasselt and Amsterdam gets in between us? What if we just can't do this Long Distance Relationship thing? What if he meets someone else? For how long will we do this? Should I move to Amsterdam? But what about my furniture? And my car? Will his parents like me? Will there be a language barrier? I should learn Italian quickly. I'm telling you, once my brain sneaks into panick mode, it's all there.

Luckily I can talk to my man about my worries, my fears, my insecurities and he always knows how to calm me down again.

For example: we are planning a 3 day trip to the Ardens next week. We are going to the spa in Spa (hah!) for 1 day and I was reading reviews about it online. Not so good reviews. People saying it was more like an overrated pool instead of a spa. Too expensive for what it's worth. Oh no. I started panicking again. Should we just book 3 hours instead of an entire day then? Should we buy a combi-ticket with lunch included or not? What if it sucks and we want to get out? I told Vitto we might get dissapointed after Thermae 2000, but his words were: don't worry, we make the best out of it! And of course, he is right. That instantly calmed me down. We will make the best out of it.

After almost half a year of 'officially' being with Vitto and 10 months of knowing him, I already came a long way. I have my moments of insecurity of jealousy, but I can more easily get over them as well. Maybe it's a mix of his responding to my actions and the yoga classes I have been taking that made me this much more relaxed.

It also made me wonder if a 'calm' person with calmer hobbies might be exactly what a more nervous and anxious person needs. I think so. If I compare with who I was 1 year ago, with also a very nervous and also constantly active person, I changed a lot! His nervousness empowered mine and probably vice versa. And now maybe my 'great range of emotions' is also helping Vittorio express his. He knows I will understand and he can tell me anything.

I am looking forward to our little holiday that starts on thursday!! :-)