Terrified/Hopeful

"What if I fall?"

Oh, but my darling

what if you fly?

The last few days I've been feeling really restless.

It's really dawning on me that the time is getting shorter here.

In less than one month I will live in Amsterdam.

As everything is getting arranged now (the packing, selling my furniture, making appointments for their pick-up, having people over to watch the appartment) it's like I'm getting cold feet.

Yes, I still want to be with Vittorio.

and yes, I still want to move to Amsterdam.

But I'm so scared.

Scared of it going wrong. Scared that it will not work out.

Scared that we made this decision too soon. Scared that we are just not compatible.

Scared that I will just feel lonely. Scared that I will not get used to the city.

Scared that I will not like my new job. Scared that my new job will not like me.

I know there's a solution to everything. I can move back to Belgium if it doesn't work out. There's plenty of people who are willing to give me a temporary sleeping place. I can get another job if I don't like it or it doesn't like me. I can try some new hobbies to meet new people. Make Skype appointments with current friends and family. 

It's just something that is so far out of my comfort zone. 

But maybe it's the best decision of my life?

What if it exceeds everything I was even too afraid to dream?

What if we become this amazing couple that only needs half a word to understand each other?

What if we never fight and have sex every night?

What if I farted glitter?

Errr.. ok. Too far.

I didn't mean to make this post too emotional. But the thing is: it's probably somewhere in the middle. I'm sure we will have our fights and disagreements. I'm sure we are different in many areas but also alike in so many others. I'm sure that I am sociable enough to make new friends, even though it takes time. I can do this.

The final countdown

Wauw. In 7 weeks I will move to Amsterdam. As I say it, I still can't fully comprehend it.
I am so looking forward to start working there, in a fresh company, in a fresh function and a fresh team. But I am even more looking forward to living with the man of my life there.

But also, I am scared (there we go again :-)). And emotional. I hope Vitto looks forward to it as well. I wish I could read his mind, because he's not as open as I am. Is he really up for it? Or is there a part of him that's not ready yet? I know I'm probably overthinking and overreacting because if he did not love me, he would not have agreed with this in the first place. But I just need to hear the confirmation again and again that I am welcome. Call me insecure, call me crazy but it's just what I need.

The last thing I want is to ruin this for the both of us because of me being anxious.
This feels like a brand new chapter. Principe and Principessa living together, I like the sound of that.

It's probably just my PMS that's acting up here...

Sad feelings

Even though I am moving in with my boyfriend in less than 2 months, I still get sad when we have to say goodbye after having spent the weekend together. Saying goodbye is so hard. Returning to an empty appartment, where only half an hour ago we were still cuddling. I know I should smile and be happy because we have such a good relationship - and I am - but the first moments being back here alone, I can't help but feel sad. And even cry.

Every weekend we spend together I discover new things about my Principe which make me love him even more. This weekend, on Friday evening we were invited for dinner at my dad's and plusmom's. It was really amazing again. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the nice food and the nice atmosphere. Around midnight it was time to go home since we both were pretty tired.

On Saturday we slept in, and after a late breakfast we went food and alcohol shopping for the party later that day. My little nephew Storm was turning 11 and we were invited for swimming and playing games. But first, we decided to defrost my freezer and make it a little more ice-free. Teamwork! Vittorio was using the hammer and spatel to break the ice and in the meantime I was using my hair dryer to make it melt. After all that we were ready to go. At my uncle's we started making cocktails (Lazy Red Cheeks, Mojito's and Sex on The Beach, and also Gin Tonic's) to get the party started. Everyone was loving it (including us, haha). I played a few games of Kubb's and after that Vitto grabbed me and wanted to throw me in the pool. I grabbed his neck and wrapped my legs around him so it was not really possible :-P He put me down and we walked back. I said to my mom: yeah a big mouth but when it comes to it... Before I knew it, Vitto picked me up again and 10 seconds later I found myself in the pool. Luckily he joined as well a bit later :-D

The 2 weeks we spent apart feel like 4 weeks, and the 3 days of weekend only feel like 1. It's so unfair. Writing down all of this makes me feel a bit better. It's like therapy, letting the words come out and also my feelings. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have met him. That we are together. A little over a year ago I met that boy in his silly yellow swimming shorts and now I am moving in with him. And still: the sad feelings are also there when we are separated for a while again. 

And now I'll try to stop being sad and go sort out some stuff before moving...

A new chapter

"Hello, this is Claudia speaking"
- Hi Claudia, this is Marc and Froukje from Travix
"... Yes, hi.."
- There's no need to be so shy because we have good news for you: you've got the job!
"What? Oh my god. Wauw, thank you - I am really really happy!"

- The rest of the conversation is less important ;-) -

I put down the phone, trembling with joy. OH MY GOD I'VE GOT THE JOB!!!!
I could cry of joy. This is so unbelievable! I had 1 job interview, 1 vacancy I was interested in and in barely 2 months I have a job in Amsterdam! I called my manager and informed him with the good news. He was happy for me, but also sad because this meant I am actually leaving now. 

They would send me a job offer and after I agreed upon that they would prepare my contract. Start date: 11 october. 2 months from now. Aaaahhhh in 2 months I have to much to arrange!
Cancel all my contracts at home for water, gas, television. Either sell my furniture or store it for a year. Pack my stuff, get them to Amsterdam. Would I rent a moving company or just do it myself? Will I take my bike or buy a new one? My appartment has to be empty by the end of octobre so my items have to move first, then I need a lift to get all the big stuff out and go to the container park or storage room, and then the appartment has to be cleaned. Ok. No worries, I got this. I am a great planner so I'm sure I'll find a way of making it work.

Back to the job thing. This is actually happening. I will be the Campaign and Content manager for a big brand, in a big city and a big office with 220 people working there. I am moving to Amsterdam. Moving in with my boyfriend. Living together. This is so unbelievable. If you would have told me this one year ago, I would have laughed at you. I never imagined me living abroad. But somehow, I found the inner strength to take this huge leap of faith.

My Principe and I are starting a new chapter together. This is so exciting! I never imagined it going so fast but at the same time it just feels natural and right. Like the next logic step. Last weekend, I was in Amsterdam. Originally for the Gay Canal Pride, but as you read in a previous blogpost, Travix invited me for the 2nd and 3rd interview rounds on Wednesday. Interview with Business case to present on Monday. I went to my Principe on Friday with a lot of stress for this interview. I had to prepare a presentation about a fictional campaign I would do for Cheaptickets. Define target audience, orientation and decision making phase, online channels, how to measure. It has been a while since I had to do something like this but my Principe was amazing.

He gave me a book with amazing guidelines and let me work in peace. He went to the dry cleaning to drop off his costume, whilst I was working. In the afternoon, we had 'some' people over at the appartment to watch the Canal Parade from our window. With some people I mean about 20-25. It was pretty crowded, but also very nice! I talked to a lot of friends of Vittorio's, laughed A LOT and before I knew it, the day had passed. The Parade was over and people started leaving to go to the pub for another drink. Or 2. Honestly, I was exhausted. 8h of having people over and constantly talking is energy-consuming. Luckily, Vittorio felt the same way and we decided to stay home. 2 other guys came over for a coffee until 11pm but that was it. After they left, Vittorio said to me "I heard so many good things about you today and people liked you so much, I just cannot let you go anymore". This made my heart smile, and therefore my face as well. He is just so cute!

The day after the stress was back because I still had so much to do! Vitto went to a friend in the afternoon when I worked on the case and in the evening he went to the cinema when I worked on the case. I was sick and tired of spending the entire day on the couch working on that case but I had to finish! When Vitto came back from the cinema, we looked at my presentation together and he adapted some things here and there. It was 95% done when we went to bed. That day I realised what our lives would be like living together. Now, when visiting each other in the weekends we want to make every minute count so we don't do stuff apart. That Sunday spent mainly alone was a reality-check that this would be more like it. And I am ok with that.

It's funny, but since I got the confirmation that I have the job I have this feeling of "peace of mind". I feel so safe and secure in this relationship. So loved and cared for. One year ago I was like a scared little bird with a broken wing. Today I feel like a big, powerful Phoenix, ready to spread out my enormous wings and fly. Destination: a new chapter.

Home is where the heart is

A couple of months ago, my boyfriend and me started talking about moving in together. We almost knew each other for a year, the Long Distance Relationship was tiring because there was always something going on with the trains. Strikes, cancelled trains. More than once I had to drive an hour to Antwerp or Leuven to pick him up at a station because he could not get further. Very frustrating, and time and gas-consuming. In december my rental contract for my appartment will end, and I would have to get a new contract for at least 1 year.

Did we really want to go back and forth for one more year? We were both not very keen on that idea. I prefer to just take the jump and move in together. If it works out: super. If it doesn't: too bad. But at least we know it sooner then. He agreed with me. Ok, so I should start looking for a job in Amsterdam. This could take a while. There is no hurry in it either. I should find a job that really suits me. So I started looking. And pretty fast I found something that I liked. Very much. So I prepared my resumé in English, wrote a motivational letter and sent it out. Shortly after that, I got a reply from the company with some extra questions, and if these questions matched their expectations they would invite me to some online tests.
Wow. I answered their questions, got a mail back that it was indeed a match and was invited to the tests.

After passing the tests, I got invited to a 1st job interview (which was the day before yesterday). It was via Skype so I did not have to travel 6h back and forth to Amsterdam for a 1h interview. It went very well and smooth and both parties agreed that it was a nice 1st interview. I would hear from them before the end of the week if I was selected for the 2nd and 3rd interview. Today I got an e-mail that I am selected for part 2 and 3.

Wow wow wow. This is all going pretty fast. What happened to taking it nice and easy? In only 2,5 months I went from slowly applying to almost having a job. And I will be perfectly honest about it: I am terrified. If I get the job, I will leave everything behind and move to Amsterdam, to my Principe. I have never taken a leap of faith this big. Normally I would be in charge, in the 'safe' position. Now I depend fully on him. If he doesn't want to continue his life with me, I am being kicked out. And then what? Back to Belgium? Can I afford to stay in Amsterdam all by myself?

Sshhhht Claudia. Stop with this overthinking again. But I just like to know what I'm up for. Have a plan B in my head. But as my best friend told me: if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. And that is a piece of wisdom I cannot deny.

I am scared of a lot of things. Feeling alone, missing family and friends, that it might go wrong between Vitto and me. That we are rushing it. To get hurt.

But I also look forward to so many things: living together for the 1st time with someone who also has a stable job and income, who loves me 200%, a new job in a big company, a new and exciting city, making new friends.

Of course putting 2 different people with 2 different backgrounds in 1 house is quite the challenge. I don't expect rainbows and unicorns. But I am sure we will work it out. Because I love him, and I know he loves me. And then it doesn't matter where I live geographically. Home is where the heart is. And my heart is with him.