"Ciao amore, see you in one week". As he turned around and walked away - without even giving me one last kiss by the way - I felt my stomach shrink. Please don't go...
The idea of being entirely alone tomorrow made me feel so anxious again. Of course I know it is just one week. Before we did not see each other for 3-4 weeks. But now it is different. We live together, we are used to being together a lot. Vittorio is my home, my safe haven. Our life together is my happy place.
I am a strong woman, I've been through a lot in life. But the anxiousness and not feeling safe thing has always been the red wire throughout my life. When my parents divorced and the house I grew up in was sold and I had to move, I did it without blinking my eyes. After all, a house is not a home if your loved ones are not there. It is just a pile of bricks. The people who you share it with, they are your home. As much as I enjoy living in Amsterdam, in this beautiful appartment I could never afford on my own, it doesn't bring me joy to be here alone. Of course, I can enjoy a few hours of me-time. But being alone in a strange city, with my friends and family more than 3 hours away and my safe haven even more, I feel very small.
I decided to make a plan. With a goal in mind, it is so much easier to get through the week. Today I will go into the city and see if I can find a new floor mat to put in the kitchen. The bamboo mats have become ripped anyway. Tomorrow, when Sara is gone, I will start cleaning the appartment. Vacuuming, arranging stuff, maybe take the blue plastic boxes back to Albert Heijn so that's cleared. Do some laundry, dye our pillows because I ruined them with my facial cream. Ok, sounds like a good plan to make it through the weekend. Oh and what will I eat tonight? I will think about it when I am walking. Let's go!
2 hours and 100 euro lighter, I arrived home. Without floor mat. But with a new pair of boots, 4 new red placemats for the kitchen (the old ones are also worn out), laundry detergent and softerener and make-up cleanser and cotton pads. Right. I dropped of the stuff and decided to go to Albert Heijn, because I made up my mind about dinner. It would be spare-ribs with a honey glaze joined by a salad with tomatoes, corn and avocado. Perfect. Combined with watching Grey's Anatomy.
And so, my saturday has passed. I walked 5 kilometers, did my 10.000 steps, did not eat too unhealhty and did not feel too sad. But boy, will I be happy when my man walks through that door again...
Showing posts with label anxious attachment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxious attachment. Show all posts
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Saturday, June 18, 2016
How your attachment style impacts your relationship
Our style of attachment affects everything: from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress and to, sadly, how they end. That is why recognizing our attachment pattern can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. As I discussed in a previous post, an attachment pattern is established in early childhood and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood. This model of attachment influences how each of us reacts to our needs and how we go about getting them met. When there is a secure attachment pattern, a person is confident and self-possessed and is able to easily interact with others, meeting both their own and another’s needs. However, when there is an anxious or avoidant attachment pattern and a person picks a partner who fits with that maladaptive pattern, they will most likely be choosing someone who isn’t the ideal choice to make them happy.
For example, the person with a working model of anxious/preoccupied attachment feels that in order to get close to someone and have their needs met, you need to be with your partner all the time and get reassurance. To support this perception of reality, they choose someone who is isolated and hard to connect with. The person with a working model of dismissive/avoidant attachment has the tendency to be distant, because their model is that the way to get your needs met is to act like you don’t have any. He or she then chooses someone who is more possessive or overly demanding of attention. In a sense, we set ourselves up by finding partners that confirm our models.
Research has shown that about 60 percent of people have a secure attachment, while 20 percent have an avoidant attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment.
Let's discuss each type a bit more:
Secure Attachment – Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships. Children with a secure attachment see their parent as a secure base from which they can venture out and independently to explore the world. A secure adult has a similar relationship with their romantic partner, feeling secure and connected, while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely. Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. Securely attached couples don’t tend to engage in a “Fantasy Bond,” an illusion of connection that provides a false sense of safety. In a fantasy bond, a couple foregoes real acts of love for a more routine, emotionally cut-off form of relating.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment – Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away. Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.”
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment – People with a dismissive avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They may seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” taking on the role of parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts. Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection. Nevertheless, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them. They are often psychologically defended and have the ability to shut down emotionally. Even in heated or emotional situations, they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. For example, if their partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would respond by saying, “I don’t care.”
Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state of being afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to; they can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go towards others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others. As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. A person with fearful avoidant attachment may even wind up in an abusive relationship.
Does this mean you are stuck with your attachment style forever? I'll explain more in my next post!
I tend to lean more towards the Anxious Preoccupied type.
For example, the person with a working model of anxious/preoccupied attachment feels that in order to get close to someone and have their needs met, you need to be with your partner all the time and get reassurance. To support this perception of reality, they choose someone who is isolated and hard to connect with. The person with a working model of dismissive/avoidant attachment has the tendency to be distant, because their model is that the way to get your needs met is to act like you don’t have any. He or she then chooses someone who is more possessive or overly demanding of attention. In a sense, we set ourselves up by finding partners that confirm our models.
Research has shown that about 60 percent of people have a secure attachment, while 20 percent have an avoidant attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment.
Let's discuss each type a bit more:
Secure Attachment – Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships. Children with a secure attachment see their parent as a secure base from which they can venture out and independently to explore the world. A secure adult has a similar relationship with their romantic partner, feeling secure and connected, while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely. Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. Securely attached couples don’t tend to engage in a “Fantasy Bond,” an illusion of connection that provides a false sense of safety. In a fantasy bond, a couple foregoes real acts of love for a more routine, emotionally cut-off form of relating.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment – Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away. Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.”
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment – People with a dismissive avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They may seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” taking on the role of parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts. Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection. Nevertheless, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them. They are often psychologically defended and have the ability to shut down emotionally. Even in heated or emotional situations, they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. For example, if their partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would respond by saying, “I don’t care.”
Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state of being afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to; they can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go towards others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others. As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. A person with fearful avoidant attachment may even wind up in an abusive relationship.
Does this mean you are stuck with your attachment style forever? I'll explain more in my next post!
I tend to lean more towards the Anxious Preoccupied type.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Resistance and passing the test
As a person who is afraid of being abandoned or being left alone, I test people.
It is sometimes stronger than myself. I have to know that you are truthful, honest, sincere. I cannot trust on just words anymore. I need to see if, feel it.
Words can be hollow. The I love you's of today can be the get out's of tomorrow. But if you show me you care, I can rely on that.
The thing is... You have passed every test so far. When I get stubborn about feeling unnoticed or neglected, you break down my wall with all your patience. My emotions or fears don't seem like a burden to you at all, but a challenge you have to work around. And when I notice that, all resistance drops.
I get to see the beautiful person that you are again and again. You make the effort and have the patience to remove every last brick to get to the core. And the core, I can tell you, is where all beauty is to be found.
And the times I feel neglected, I know you didn't stop loving me. Of course you still have other things to worry about. But darling, what is 10 seconds of your time in a day of 86400?
It is sometimes stronger than myself. I have to know that you are truthful, honest, sincere. I cannot trust on just words anymore. I need to see if, feel it.
Words can be hollow. The I love you's of today can be the get out's of tomorrow. But if you show me you care, I can rely on that.
The thing is... You have passed every test so far. When I get stubborn about feeling unnoticed or neglected, you break down my wall with all your patience. My emotions or fears don't seem like a burden to you at all, but a challenge you have to work around. And when I notice that, all resistance drops.
I get to see the beautiful person that you are again and again. You make the effort and have the patience to remove every last brick to get to the core. And the core, I can tell you, is where all beauty is to be found.
And the times I feel neglected, I know you didn't stop loving me. Of course you still have other things to worry about. But darling, what is 10 seconds of your time in a day of 86400?
Monday, May 30, 2016
Types of attachment
Being the emotional person that I am, I have already spent a lot of time soulsearching. Where are all these emotions coming from? Why do I react the way I do? Is this normal?
I've discussed the Enneagram in a previous post, and I still believe this to be true.
I also believe in the attachment styles. What this is?
As a baby/toddler you were completely dependent on your parents. The way they reacted in distressful situations for you, formed your attachment style. For example, if you put a mother and her baby in a room together, give the baby some toys to play with and then the mother would leave the room, how would the baby react?
A child with a secure attachment stops playing, starts crying and crawls towards the door where the mom went through. When the mom comes back and soothes the child, it calms down again and continues playing, feeling secure again.
However, children with an unsafe attachment will respond differently.
An overly anxious child will get upset, stop playing, start crying and even continues to cry when the mom comes back and soothes him/her. It will be clingy and need more attention, or - in the other case - will be mad at the mom for leaving and hit her, or turn its head away. this is an anxious-preoccupied attachment.
Or, a different situation can also be that the child does notice the mom leaving, but just continues playing. When the mom returns, it will also notice this but won't ask to be picked up. This is the dismissive-avoidant attachment.
The last time is a bit of a combination of the last 2: the child will notice the mom leaving, will notice her returning and will run towards her for comfort, but they stop along the way, like they are hesitant, and then just go back to playing. They are ambivalent in the way how they respond. This is the fearful-avoidant attachment.
When the child grows up, the way it's parents react to certain situations or conflicts determine the further development of his/her attachment. This is something we take along with us, as we grow up to be adults. And this is where it gets interesting: how does a mix of 2 completely different attachment styles work?
I'll discuss my attachment type in a next post!
I've discussed the Enneagram in a previous post, and I still believe this to be true.
I also believe in the attachment styles. What this is?
As a baby/toddler you were completely dependent on your parents. The way they reacted in distressful situations for you, formed your attachment style. For example, if you put a mother and her baby in a room together, give the baby some toys to play with and then the mother would leave the room, how would the baby react?
A child with a secure attachment stops playing, starts crying and crawls towards the door where the mom went through. When the mom comes back and soothes the child, it calms down again and continues playing, feeling secure again.
However, children with an unsafe attachment will respond differently.
An overly anxious child will get upset, stop playing, start crying and even continues to cry when the mom comes back and soothes him/her. It will be clingy and need more attention, or - in the other case - will be mad at the mom for leaving and hit her, or turn its head away. this is an anxious-preoccupied attachment.
Or, a different situation can also be that the child does notice the mom leaving, but just continues playing. When the mom returns, it will also notice this but won't ask to be picked up. This is the dismissive-avoidant attachment.
The last time is a bit of a combination of the last 2: the child will notice the mom leaving, will notice her returning and will run towards her for comfort, but they stop along the way, like they are hesitant, and then just go back to playing. They are ambivalent in the way how they respond. This is the fearful-avoidant attachment.
When the child grows up, the way it's parents react to certain situations or conflicts determine the further development of his/her attachment. This is something we take along with us, as we grow up to be adults. And this is where it gets interesting: how does a mix of 2 completely different attachment styles work?
I'll discuss my attachment type in a next post!
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