Separation anxiety relapse

"Ciao amore, see you in one week". As he turned around and walked away - without even giving me one last kiss by the way - I felt my stomach shrink. Please don't go...

The idea of being entirely alone tomorrow made me feel so anxious again. Of course I know it is just one week. Before we did not see each other for 3-4 weeks. But now it is different. We live together, we are used to being together a lot. Vittorio is my home, my safe haven. Our life together is my happy place.

I am a strong woman, I've been through a lot in life. But the anxiousness and not feeling safe thing has always been the red wire throughout my life. When my parents divorced and the house I grew up in was sold and I had to move, I did it without blinking my eyes. After all, a house is not a home if your loved ones are not there. It is just a pile of bricks. The people who you share it with, they are your home. As much as I enjoy living in Amsterdam, in this beautiful appartment I could never afford on my own, it doesn't bring me joy to be here alone. Of course, I can enjoy a few hours of me-time. But being alone in a strange city, with my friends and family more than 3 hours away and my safe haven even more, I feel very small. 

I decided to make a plan. With a goal in mind, it is so much easier to get through the week. Today I will go into the city and see if I can find a new floor mat to put in the kitchen. The bamboo mats have become ripped anyway. Tomorrow, when Sara is gone, I will start cleaning the appartment. Vacuuming, arranging stuff, maybe take the blue plastic boxes back to Albert Heijn so that's cleared. Do some laundry, dye our pillows because I ruined them with my facial cream. Ok, sounds like a good plan to make it through the weekend. Oh and what will I eat tonight? I will think about it when I am walking. Let's go!

2 hours and 100 euro lighter, I arrived home. Without floor mat. But with a new pair of boots, 4 new red placemats for the kitchen (the old ones are also worn out), laundry detergent and softerener and make-up cleanser and cotton pads. Right. I dropped of the stuff and decided to go to Albert Heijn, because I made up my mind about dinner. It would be spare-ribs with a honey glaze joined by a salad with tomatoes, corn and avocado. Perfect. Combined with watching Grey's Anatomy.

And so, my saturday has passed. I walked 5 kilometers, did my 10.000 steps, did not eat too unhealhty and did not feel too sad. But boy, will I be happy when my man walks through that door again...

3 month milestone

In 2 days I will be living and working in Amsterdam for 3 months. 3 months already! Isn't it unbelievable how time flies? Although I have to confess that it feels like much longer that I've lived here. Reading some previous posts of mine about my fear to move here feel so surreal now. The truth is, I fell in love with Amsterdam. Like a fish in the sea, I feel so comfortable here!

The new job is still going very well - I am learning something new every day and have a lot of cool colleagues who are there to help if you need them. I am happy I took the leap of faith.

As for Vittorio, I am even more happy I did this. Our relationship has grown so much since! Every day the scared, insecure inner child is soothed and therefore is less and less present. I feel loved, cherished, appreciated, respected and so much more. Of course I still have my attention-craving moments ;-)

I like it how we have developed our own 'language' towards each other. I understand his rhythm better. Also thanks to a few books (the perfect woman is a bitch / men are from mars and women from venus). The first one taught me to be less soft and subservient and speak up more. The second one taught me better the differences between men and women. When Vitto comes home, he wants to entwine and destress from the day by playing tanks on his iPad. Us, women, we want to talk about the day in order to entwine and destress. It is good to understand we are different and we have different ways of coping with situations and things. It really helps me in this relationship.

The past holidays I met his parents by the way! We spent Christmas in the mountains (San Vigilio) and New Year's at his place (Valdagno). His parents were super nice to me and I think they like me as well. Grateful to be a bit more part of his life now :-) Another milestone!

Anyway, this is just a short update about my life :) No big lessons today!


Claudia

Terrified/Hopeful

"What if I fall?"

Oh, but my darling

what if you fly?

The last few days I've been feeling really restless.

It's really dawning on me that the time is getting shorter here.

In less than one month I will live in Amsterdam.

As everything is getting arranged now (the packing, selling my furniture, making appointments for their pick-up, having people over to watch the appartment) it's like I'm getting cold feet.

Yes, I still want to be with Vittorio.

and yes, I still want to move to Amsterdam.

But I'm so scared.

Scared of it going wrong. Scared that it will not work out.

Scared that we made this decision too soon. Scared that we are just not compatible.

Scared that I will just feel lonely. Scared that I will not get used to the city.

Scared that I will not like my new job. Scared that my new job will not like me.

I know there's a solution to everything. I can move back to Belgium if it doesn't work out. There's plenty of people who are willing to give me a temporary sleeping place. I can get another job if I don't like it or it doesn't like me. I can try some new hobbies to meet new people. Make Skype appointments with current friends and family. 

It's just something that is so far out of my comfort zone. 

But maybe it's the best decision of my life?

What if it exceeds everything I was even too afraid to dream?

What if we become this amazing couple that only needs half a word to understand each other?

What if we never fight and have sex every night?

What if I farted glitter?

Errr.. ok. Too far.

I didn't mean to make this post too emotional. But the thing is: it's probably somewhere in the middle. I'm sure we will have our fights and disagreements. I'm sure we are different in many areas but also alike in so many others. I'm sure that I am sociable enough to make new friends, even though it takes time. I can do this.

The final countdown

Wauw. In 7 weeks I will move to Amsterdam. As I say it, I still can't fully comprehend it.
I am so looking forward to start working there, in a fresh company, in a fresh function and a fresh team. But I am even more looking forward to living with the man of my life there.

But also, I am scared (there we go again :-)). And emotional. I hope Vitto looks forward to it as well. I wish I could read his mind, because he's not as open as I am. Is he really up for it? Or is there a part of him that's not ready yet? I know I'm probably overthinking and overreacting because if he did not love me, he would not have agreed with this in the first place. But I just need to hear the confirmation again and again that I am welcome. Call me insecure, call me crazy but it's just what I need.

The last thing I want is to ruin this for the both of us because of me being anxious.
This feels like a brand new chapter. Principe and Principessa living together, I like the sound of that.

It's probably just my PMS that's acting up here...