"Ciao amore, see you in one week". As he turned around and walked away - without even giving me one last kiss by the way - I felt my stomach shrink. Please don't go...
The idea of being entirely alone tomorrow made me feel so anxious again. Of course I know it is just one week. Before we did not see each other for 3-4 weeks. But now it is different. We live together, we are used to being together a lot. Vittorio is my home, my safe haven. Our life together is my happy place.
I am a strong woman, I've been through a lot in life. But the anxiousness and not feeling safe thing has always been the red wire throughout my life. When my parents divorced and the house I grew up in was sold and I had to move, I did it without blinking my eyes. After all, a house is not a home if your loved ones are not there. It is just a pile of bricks. The people who you share it with, they are your home. As much as I enjoy living in Amsterdam, in this beautiful appartment I could never afford on my own, it doesn't bring me joy to be here alone. Of course, I can enjoy a few hours of me-time. But being alone in a strange city, with my friends and family more than 3 hours away and my safe haven even more, I feel very small.
I decided to make a plan. With a goal in mind, it is so much easier to get through the week. Today I will go into the city and see if I can find a new floor mat to put in the kitchen. The bamboo mats have become ripped anyway. Tomorrow, when Sara is gone, I will start cleaning the appartment. Vacuuming, arranging stuff, maybe take the blue plastic boxes back to Albert Heijn so that's cleared. Do some laundry, dye our pillows because I ruined them with my facial cream. Ok, sounds like a good plan to make it through the weekend. Oh and what will I eat tonight? I will think about it when I am walking. Let's go!
2 hours and 100 euro lighter, I arrived home. Without floor mat. But with a new pair of boots, 4 new red placemats for the kitchen (the old ones are also worn out), laundry detergent and softerener and make-up cleanser and cotton pads. Right. I dropped of the stuff and decided to go to Albert Heijn, because I made up my mind about dinner. It would be spare-ribs with a honey glaze joined by a salad with tomatoes, corn and avocado. Perfect. Combined with watching Grey's Anatomy.
And so, my saturday has passed. I walked 5 kilometers, did my 10.000 steps, did not eat too unhealhty and did not feel too sad. But boy, will I be happy when my man walks through that door again...
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Sad feelings
Even though I am moving in with my boyfriend in less than 2 months, I still get sad when we have to say goodbye after having spent the weekend together. Saying goodbye is so hard. Returning to an empty appartment, where only half an hour ago we were still cuddling. I know I should smile and be happy because we have such a good relationship - and I am - but the first moments being back here alone, I can't help but feel sad. And even cry.
Every weekend we spend together I discover new things about my Principe which make me love him even more. This weekend, on Friday evening we were invited for dinner at my dad's and plusmom's. It was really amazing again. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the nice food and the nice atmosphere. Around midnight it was time to go home since we both were pretty tired.
On Saturday we slept in, and after a late breakfast we went food and alcohol shopping for the party later that day. My little nephew Storm was turning 11 and we were invited for swimming and playing games. But first, we decided to defrost my freezer and make it a little more ice-free. Teamwork! Vittorio was using the hammer and spatel to break the ice and in the meantime I was using my hair dryer to make it melt. After all that we were ready to go. At my uncle's we started making cocktails (Lazy Red Cheeks, Mojito's and Sex on The Beach, and also Gin Tonic's) to get the party started. Everyone was loving it (including us, haha). I played a few games of Kubb's and after that Vitto grabbed me and wanted to throw me in the pool. I grabbed his neck and wrapped my legs around him so it was not really possible :-P He put me down and we walked back. I said to my mom: yeah a big mouth but when it comes to it... Before I knew it, Vitto picked me up again and 10 seconds later I found myself in the pool. Luckily he joined as well a bit later :-D
The 2 weeks we spent apart feel like 4 weeks, and the 3 days of weekend only feel like 1. It's so unfair. Writing down all of this makes me feel a bit better. It's like therapy, letting the words come out and also my feelings. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have met him. That we are together. A little over a year ago I met that boy in his silly yellow swimming shorts and now I am moving in with him. And still: the sad feelings are also there when we are separated for a while again.
And now I'll try to stop being sad and go sort out some stuff before moving...
Every weekend we spend together I discover new things about my Principe which make me love him even more. This weekend, on Friday evening we were invited for dinner at my dad's and plusmom's. It was really amazing again. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the nice food and the nice atmosphere. Around midnight it was time to go home since we both were pretty tired.
On Saturday we slept in, and after a late breakfast we went food and alcohol shopping for the party later that day. My little nephew Storm was turning 11 and we were invited for swimming and playing games. But first, we decided to defrost my freezer and make it a little more ice-free. Teamwork! Vittorio was using the hammer and spatel to break the ice and in the meantime I was using my hair dryer to make it melt. After all that we were ready to go. At my uncle's we started making cocktails (Lazy Red Cheeks, Mojito's and Sex on The Beach, and also Gin Tonic's) to get the party started. Everyone was loving it (including us, haha). I played a few games of Kubb's and after that Vitto grabbed me and wanted to throw me in the pool. I grabbed his neck and wrapped my legs around him so it was not really possible :-P He put me down and we walked back. I said to my mom: yeah a big mouth but when it comes to it... Before I knew it, Vitto picked me up again and 10 seconds later I found myself in the pool. Luckily he joined as well a bit later :-D
The 2 weeks we spent apart feel like 4 weeks, and the 3 days of weekend only feel like 1. It's so unfair. Writing down all of this makes me feel a bit better. It's like therapy, letting the words come out and also my feelings. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have met him. That we are together. A little over a year ago I met that boy in his silly yellow swimming shorts and now I am moving in with him. And still: the sad feelings are also there when we are separated for a while again.
And now I'll try to stop being sad and go sort out some stuff before moving...
Sunday, July 3, 2016
How to distract yourself from overthinking
For people with separation anxiety, one of the hardest things to do after saying goodbye to your lover is probably keeping your mind quiet. You feel uncomfortable, like there is something wrong. A piece of the puzzle is missing. Restless. You have to keep moving, to stop the brain from overthinking and making you feel sad. There is nothing to be sad about, your rational self knows that, but yet you still feel all alone again.
For me personally, this is one of the hardest aspects of the separation anxiety. After me and my boyfriend say goodbye, it is hard to come home to an empty appartment where only 15 min before we were still cuddling on the couch. I really have to hold back my tears at these moments. At this point, I think you have 2 options: drown in self-pity or try to find a way to distract yourself.
I have to admit: the times that I drowned in self-pity were also there. It was winter, it was cold(er) or rainy outside or I was on my period. Or worse, a combination of all the above. But ok, crying can also relieve feelings so just let it happen. It's ok.
Today, when my boyfriend left I didn't want to feel sad. In 10 days we leave for Bulgaria on a holiday, so there was plenty to look forward to! I decided to take a walk into the city. The sun was shining, the weather was nice and the summer sales had started. Today was also a shopping sunday wich meant that all the clothing and shoe shops were opened. Hurray! 2 hours, 1 bikini top, a Mac bronzer and some other stuff later, I arrived home. Alone. No. I will not feel sad. I started to put away the stuff I also bought in the supermarket for my dinner tonight. After that, I read a bit in a book.
Around 6, I was pretty hungry so I started preparing dinner. Rice with chicken and sweet-sour sauce.
My go-to meal on sunday when all shops except for Spar are closed in Hasselt. Whilst enjoying my dinner I read a bit more. 15 min later I was done eating. Ok, now what? It's only 18.45, I have an entire evening to fill.
I looked outside, to the blue sky. Unfortunately the weather had not been on our side today, so the boyfriend and I went pooling. We both won 1 game and I had a great time. We laughed with each others stupidity (although, have to say that I 'scored' 5 balls in a row!). Anyway. I felt the need to go outside again, to prevent myself from sobbing on the couch for the rest of the evening. So I thought: let's go skating! I changed clothes, took a bottle of water, my earplugs and my iPad and off I went.
I drove to Stokrooie, and parked my car near the canal. After strapping on my skates and protection, I was ready to go. Rolling on the concrete, wind in my hear and the sun kissing my face. Perfect. Exactly what I needed. Exercice and relaxation at the same time. After about 15 min of skating I was starting to feel tired. My condition is not what it was before, that is for sure! But ok, Rome was also not built on 1 day. I sat down on a bench, took a sip of water and took out my iPad to continue reading. Reading, next to the canal, sun on my head. I'm telling you: if this isn't distracting, then what is?
For me personally, this is one of the hardest aspects of the separation anxiety. After me and my boyfriend say goodbye, it is hard to come home to an empty appartment where only 15 min before we were still cuddling on the couch. I really have to hold back my tears at these moments. At this point, I think you have 2 options: drown in self-pity or try to find a way to distract yourself.
I have to admit: the times that I drowned in self-pity were also there. It was winter, it was cold(er) or rainy outside or I was on my period. Or worse, a combination of all the above. But ok, crying can also relieve feelings so just let it happen. It's ok.
Today, when my boyfriend left I didn't want to feel sad. In 10 days we leave for Bulgaria on a holiday, so there was plenty to look forward to! I decided to take a walk into the city. The sun was shining, the weather was nice and the summer sales had started. Today was also a shopping sunday wich meant that all the clothing and shoe shops were opened. Hurray! 2 hours, 1 bikini top, a Mac bronzer and some other stuff later, I arrived home. Alone. No. I will not feel sad. I started to put away the stuff I also bought in the supermarket for my dinner tonight. After that, I read a bit in a book.
Around 6, I was pretty hungry so I started preparing dinner. Rice with chicken and sweet-sour sauce.
My go-to meal on sunday when all shops except for Spar are closed in Hasselt. Whilst enjoying my dinner I read a bit more. 15 min later I was done eating. Ok, now what? It's only 18.45, I have an entire evening to fill.
I looked outside, to the blue sky. Unfortunately the weather had not been on our side today, so the boyfriend and I went pooling. We both won 1 game and I had a great time. We laughed with each others stupidity (although, have to say that I 'scored' 5 balls in a row!). Anyway. I felt the need to go outside again, to prevent myself from sobbing on the couch for the rest of the evening. So I thought: let's go skating! I changed clothes, took a bottle of water, my earplugs and my iPad and off I went.
I drove to Stokrooie, and parked my car near the canal. After strapping on my skates and protection, I was ready to go. Rolling on the concrete, wind in my hear and the sun kissing my face. Perfect. Exactly what I needed. Exercice and relaxation at the same time. After about 15 min of skating I was starting to feel tired. My condition is not what it was before, that is for sure! But ok, Rome was also not built on 1 day. I sat down on a bench, took a sip of water and took out my iPad to continue reading. Reading, next to the canal, sun on my head. I'm telling you: if this isn't distracting, then what is?
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