Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Terrified/Hopeful
"What if I fall?"
Oh, but my darling
what if you fly?
The last few days I've been feeling really restless.
It's really dawning on me that the time is getting shorter here.
In less than one month I will live in Amsterdam.
As everything is getting arranged now (the packing, selling my furniture, making appointments for their pick-up, having people over to watch the appartment) it's like I'm getting cold feet.
Yes, I still want to be with Vittorio.
and yes, I still want to move to Amsterdam.
But I'm so scared.
Scared of it going wrong. Scared that it will not work out.
Scared that we made this decision too soon. Scared that we are just not compatible.
Scared that I will just feel lonely. Scared that I will not get used to the city.
Scared that I will not like my new job. Scared that my new job will not like me.
I know there's a solution to everything. I can move back to Belgium if it doesn't work out. There's plenty of people who are willing to give me a temporary sleeping place. I can get another job if I don't like it or it doesn't like me. I can try some new hobbies to meet new people. Make Skype appointments with current friends and family.
It's just something that is so far out of my comfort zone.
But maybe it's the best decision of my life?
What if it exceeds everything I was even too afraid to dream?
What if we become this amazing couple that only needs half a word to understand each other?
What if we never fight and have sex every night?
What if I farted glitter?
Errr.. ok. Too far.
I didn't mean to make this post too emotional. But the thing is: it's probably somewhere in the middle. I'm sure we will have our fights and disagreements. I'm sure we are different in many areas but also alike in so many others. I'm sure that I am sociable enough to make new friends, even though it takes time. I can do this.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Emotional Relapse
The past few weeks, I was doing pretty well when it came to Emotional Stability. My emotions were under control, even when I was on my period (!). I learned to be more comfortable on my own, being alone and all by myself. I didn't really feel "on edge" or nervous anymore. Ok, I had my moments where I needed some attention but it was all pretty cool.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an "emotional relapse". In less than one month I am moving to Amsterdam. On Saturday my grandma came and helped me pack some clothes in boxes already. Though it was physically not a heavy day for me, emotionally I was pretty drained that night. Sunday I woke up feeling a bit 'down'. Still a few things to arrange, hoping that everything will work out smoothly and the way I planned it. It was a normal weekend for the rest. I facetimed with Vittorio on Saturday after his kickboxing class. He was working, relaxing, reading, seeing friends and whatever he does in weekends and I was packing, grocery shopping, cleaning and spending time with family/friends.
All of a sudden, on Sunday night, this feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. For sure we talked that weekend. But it was rather superficial. I know I can't expect heart-to-heart conversations every time we talk but something was missing. I felt like we were losing our connection. Probably I am overreacting and it's all in my head because I know he still loves me the same way and nothing has changed. But my hurt inner-child craves his attention.
And when I don't get it, the inner-child get's upset and has to find another way to have this attention-gap filled. I take a nice picture and put it on Facebook and wait until the likes and comments appear. Pathetic, isn't it? I know. I blame it on my whining insecure inner-child that Always needs to feel safe, loved and protected. 75% of the time I can control the inner-child and I realise there is nothing to worry about. But there is still this nasty 25% that every now and then pops up.
I thought about it last night before going to bed. I went out for dinner with my ex (we dated when I was 16). We remained friends over the years. Not close-close friends but just every now and then we saw or heard each other. Last year, he moved to Hasselt and we started to see each other more often again. Going for drinks, going for dinner. He lives alone, I live alone and having dinner is more fun with 2 anyway. Right before Vittorio and I went on holidays to Bulgaria, he confessed to me that he fell in love with me again. Head over heels. Tears in his eyes. I felt flattered, but that's it. I was sad though, because I didn't want to lose my friend. He begged me to stay friends, even though I wanted to back off.
And so there we were yesterday, having dinner and laughing about random things. At the end, the conversation became more serious. He told me he compared every girl he met with me, only to be dissapointed because they are not me. I got a WhatsApp from Vittorio in the meantime that apparently his ex knows about me and him, but no further explanation. Ok.
I told my ex he should stop looking for someone like me. He will find someone maybe 99% like me, 98, 97, 96 or 95% like me and that should be OK. The 100% me is hooked on someone else and moving to Amsterdam soon to be with him. He agreed with my on this.
Afterwards, when I was walking home, the Emotional Relapse started. I didn't want to have this cosy dinner with my ex. I wanted this cosy dinner with Vittorio. I didn't want his attention, I wanted Vittorio's attention. I bumped into a guy I know from work and he asked me to go for another drink but I just wanted to go home and hear something from my amore. And then I texted him and blurted it all out.
Poor him - suffering my emotional relapses.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Life is like a camera
I came across this image on Facebook or Pinterest (don't remember) but I could not help to think how true it is. Life is a learning process. When you're young, you think you're so smart and know already everything. It's only later you realise that you really didn't.
You fell face down probably 10 times but got up again 11. Every time we take another shot, we learn something new. Reflecting back at my past relationships, I can say that I learned from each and every one of them. To be less naïve, to be less clingy, to be more independent, to express what I need more rather than to expect the other one to know.
My pictures were often blurry so I took many new shots. I captured the good times and developed so much throughout the years. Getting older also brings peace of mind, so I am realising. Things I stressed about 10 years ago are now so unimportant. Realising the things that matter to me, that I value in life are now so much more top-of-mind.
Moving forward. Having a good, stable relationship. A nice work environment where I am stimulated and motivated. A good work-life balance. Quality time with friends and family. Traveling. Reading. Lazy Sundays. Learning new things. Studying Italian. Yoga class. Getting physically in shape again. Being Happy. Being Healthy.
Those are my life goals. All equally important. My focus is on all of them. Thanks to the negative things I developed from, I know now more than ever what matters in life.
Camera ready? Let's start taking some pictures!
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Period Pains
All women in the world dealing with their period and the 'joy' of period pains that comes with it can probably relate to this post. Mother Nature was in my opinion a bit unfair when she distributed these things. Men get all the fun stuff: the morning erections and wet dreams. We get to go to labour, suffer that damn menstrual cycle every month and everything that comes with it.
For me, the physical part of my period is not the worst. The first 2 days I have some minor to medium cramps, like someone is constantly poking in my uturus. After 5 days I'm usually back to 'normal', whatever that might be.
But the emotional part is the worst for me. A few days before the period, a lot of women suffer from PMS: premenstrual syndrome. A quick Google learns me that this might cause the following: "Common symptoms include acne, tender breasts, bloating, feeling tired. Psychological symptoms can be: depressed feelings, anxiousness, irritability and agression. Often symptoms are present for around six days."
Well isn't this fun? No, it isn't. I notice these symptoms with myself when I start being even more emotional than I already am normally. The tiniest thing can upset me. I see a sad movie - I cry. I see a happy movie - I cry. If I could sleep for 6 days during this period, I would.
Also relationship wise this is a difficult time for me. In reality, nothing had changed. Vittorio still loves me as much as before. He is not the type to shout it off the rooftops or get too emotional about it. But in my head during this PMS period I am hypersensitive to detect the least change in his words and actions. The poor bastard. He is such a kind, loving and patient person. Sitting in Amsterdam, playing tanks on his tablet. Going to the movies by himself and watching his favourite soccer team play with friends. In between still texting me kisses and letting me know what's up. I notice all these things, and am grateful and appreciative that he keeps up the effort. It soothes my inner bitch during this period ;-)
For I cannot help but being a little more "on edge" and needy. I crave attention even more. No messages for a few hours? He forgot about me. A message but very plain and no kiss? Maybe there's something wrong. And I get upset. Make up scenarios in my head. Almost wanting to pick a fight to make him reassure me again that he still loves me and it's all good. It. Is. So. Exhausting.
That's why for me, "Period Pains" are more psychologically than physically. I suffer more from the first one than from the second one. I am aware of this, luckily and try to fight my inner dragon. I listen to music, read a book, take a walk or... write this blog so I can't pick a fight with him. I will be the one to conquer my inner dragon.
Period Pains. Fuck you.
For me, the physical part of my period is not the worst. The first 2 days I have some minor to medium cramps, like someone is constantly poking in my uturus. After 5 days I'm usually back to 'normal', whatever that might be.
But the emotional part is the worst for me. A few days before the period, a lot of women suffer from PMS: premenstrual syndrome. A quick Google learns me that this might cause the following: "Common symptoms include acne, tender breasts, bloating, feeling tired. Psychological symptoms can be: depressed feelings, anxiousness, irritability and agression. Often symptoms are present for around six days."
Well isn't this fun? No, it isn't. I notice these symptoms with myself when I start being even more emotional than I already am normally. The tiniest thing can upset me. I see a sad movie - I cry. I see a happy movie - I cry. If I could sleep for 6 days during this period, I would.
Also relationship wise this is a difficult time for me. In reality, nothing had changed. Vittorio still loves me as much as before. He is not the type to shout it off the rooftops or get too emotional about it. But in my head during this PMS period I am hypersensitive to detect the least change in his words and actions. The poor bastard. He is such a kind, loving and patient person. Sitting in Amsterdam, playing tanks on his tablet. Going to the movies by himself and watching his favourite soccer team play with friends. In between still texting me kisses and letting me know what's up. I notice all these things, and am grateful and appreciative that he keeps up the effort. It soothes my inner bitch during this period ;-)
For I cannot help but being a little more "on edge" and needy. I crave attention even more. No messages for a few hours? He forgot about me. A message but very plain and no kiss? Maybe there's something wrong. And I get upset. Make up scenarios in my head. Almost wanting to pick a fight to make him reassure me again that he still loves me and it's all good. It. Is. So. Exhausting.
That's why for me, "Period Pains" are more psychologically than physically. I suffer more from the first one than from the second one. I am aware of this, luckily and try to fight my inner dragon. I listen to music, read a book, take a walk or... write this blog so I can't pick a fight with him. I will be the one to conquer my inner dragon.
Period Pains. Fuck you.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
The price of admission
There is no settling down without some settling for. There is no long-term relationship not just putting up with your partner’s flaws, but accepting them and then pretending they aren’t there. We like to call it in my house “paying the price of admission"
A really nice must-watch video by Dan Savage:
You can’t have a long-term relationship with someone unless you’re willing to identify the prices of admission you’re willing to pay — and the ones you’re not. But the ones you’re not — the list of things you’re not willing to put up with — you really have to be able to count [them] on one hand…
My boyfriend is a really lovely person. He’s intelligent, funny, and kind and he possesses many other impressive character traits such as playing tank wars on his iPad...
Every once in a while, however, he does something that makes me crazy. For example the idea of hanging his clothes up after he's taken them off is completely foreign to him. My appartment looks like a hurricane has passed when he has been there for a weekend (!).
But ok: fair is fair. I'm quite confident that some of my habits and preferences also trigger some annoyance with him. Maybe it is my autistic traits of having to know what's coming. My clinginess. He probably knows better than me - ehehehe.
I believe that many couples let these kinds of small issues, turn their once-lovely relationships into battlefields. It would probably cost me less time and energy to hang up my boyfriends clothes than lecturing him about it over and over again. When we spend too much energy focusing on the "negative" or annoying, we risk to lose sight of our partner as the intelligent, funny and kind person we fell in love with.
So there is where the price of admission steps in. The personal sacrifices, large and small, that make long-term relationships possible.
In my interpretation of the price of admission, the principle begins with the recognition that both partners are flawed. Deeply so. Repeat after me, “We acknowledge that we are flawed creatures.” It’s not just your partner who is flawed… but also you. (Don’t worry, I also find this part difficult.)
The second understanding of the price of admission is that we are both AMAZING. Not me more than him…not him more than me. We are both talented, interesting and unique souls deserving of love and respect. Nowhere is this more true than within this relationship that we created.
The third understanding is that it is perfectly natural for people who have become very familiar with one another to be annoyed by traits and habits that once charmed them so much.
The fourth and final understanding is that you must learn how to let most of it go. The price of admission – the price that you willingly pay to be with this lovely person who brings so much to your life, with whom you feel utterly safe and heard and at “home” – is that you do not hold on to the toxic little things that are choking the life out of your love and affection for one another.
When I see my love's clothes piled up on the sofa, I remind myself that last night, it was this man who cooked me an amazing dinner even though he was tired from a long day at work. And I recognize that this is the price of admission. And I am more than willing to pay it.
People, when they’re young, have this idea… “There’s someone out there who’s perfect for me There's the one.”
“The one” does not exist. “The one” is a lie. But the beautiful part of the lie is that it’s a lie you can tell yourself.And we then are obligated to live up to the lies we told each other about who we are — we are then forced to be better people than we actually are, because it’s expected of us by each other. And you can, in a long-term relationship, really make your lie-self come true — if you’re smart, and you demand it of them, and you’re willing to give it to them. You have to be willing not to see him chewing with his mouth open, if you want to be around for his better qualities. And then buy into the lie-version where he never does that. Right? And they will hopefully do the same for you.
That’s the only way you become “the one” — it’s because somebody is willing to pretend you are. “The one” that they were waiting for, “the one” they wanted, their “one.” Because you’re not — nobody is.
No two people are perfect for each other, ever, period — No two people are 100% sexually compatible, no two people are 100% emotionally compatible, no two people want the same things.
And if you can’t reconcile yourself to that, you will have no relationships that last longer than two months. And you know what? It’s not going to be their fault — it’s going to be your fault.
A really nice must-watch video by Dan Savage:
My boyfriend is a really lovely person. He’s intelligent, funny, and kind and he possesses many other impressive character traits such as playing tank wars on his iPad...
Every once in a while, however, he does something that makes me crazy. For example the idea of hanging his clothes up after he's taken them off is completely foreign to him. My appartment looks like a hurricane has passed when he has been there for a weekend (!).
But ok: fair is fair. I'm quite confident that some of my habits and preferences also trigger some annoyance with him. Maybe it is my autistic traits of having to know what's coming. My clinginess. He probably knows better than me - ehehehe.
I believe that many couples let these kinds of small issues, turn their once-lovely relationships into battlefields. It would probably cost me less time and energy to hang up my boyfriends clothes than lecturing him about it over and over again. When we spend too much energy focusing on the "negative" or annoying, we risk to lose sight of our partner as the intelligent, funny and kind person we fell in love with.
So there is where the price of admission steps in. The personal sacrifices, large and small, that make long-term relationships possible.
In my interpretation of the price of admission, the principle begins with the recognition that both partners are flawed. Deeply so. Repeat after me, “We acknowledge that we are flawed creatures.” It’s not just your partner who is flawed… but also you. (Don’t worry, I also find this part difficult.)
The second understanding of the price of admission is that we are both AMAZING. Not me more than him…not him more than me. We are both talented, interesting and unique souls deserving of love and respect. Nowhere is this more true than within this relationship that we created.
The third understanding is that it is perfectly natural for people who have become very familiar with one another to be annoyed by traits and habits that once charmed them so much.
The fourth and final understanding is that you must learn how to let most of it go. The price of admission – the price that you willingly pay to be with this lovely person who brings so much to your life, with whom you feel utterly safe and heard and at “home” – is that you do not hold on to the toxic little things that are choking the life out of your love and affection for one another.
When I see my love's clothes piled up on the sofa, I remind myself that last night, it was this man who cooked me an amazing dinner even though he was tired from a long day at work. And I recognize that this is the price of admission. And I am more than willing to pay it.
People, when they’re young, have this idea… “There’s someone out there who’s perfect for me There's the one.”
“The one” does not exist. “The one” is a lie. But the beautiful part of the lie is that it’s a lie you can tell yourself.And we then are obligated to live up to the lies we told each other about who we are — we are then forced to be better people than we actually are, because it’s expected of us by each other. And you can, in a long-term relationship, really make your lie-self come true — if you’re smart, and you demand it of them, and you’re willing to give it to them. You have to be willing not to see him chewing with his mouth open, if you want to be around for his better qualities. And then buy into the lie-version where he never does that. Right? And they will hopefully do the same for you.
That’s the only way you become “the one” — it’s because somebody is willing to pretend you are. “The one” that they were waiting for, “the one” they wanted, their “one.” Because you’re not — nobody is.
No two people are perfect for each other, ever, period — No two people are 100% sexually compatible, no two people are 100% emotionally compatible, no two people want the same things.
And if you can’t reconcile yourself to that, you will have no relationships that last longer than two months. And you know what? It’s not going to be their fault — it’s going to be your fault.
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