After 1 month of neglecting my blog, I feel like I should pick this up again.
A lot has happened in this one month! I am writing this post sitting at the kitchen counter from my new home in Amsterdam! Yaaaay, we live together now!
I have to say, I haven't felt this calm in years. It feels like this is right where I am supposed to be.
My first week in Amsterdam was about 2 weeks ago - Vittorio was in Italy at that time. Friends and family asked me: oooh, are you not sad to spend your first week without him??
Before, I was. But when I arrived in Amsterdam at monday night I felt so at home immediately and I knew that Vittorio and I still had a lifetime together. The 1st week went by really fast and I had an amazing time at work meeting my new colleagues and getting to know them.
Here I am, just started my 3rd week already at Travix and I am learning so much every day!
I am so happy I took this leap of faith and decided to give up my 'old' life for Amsterdam.
The only thing that makes me very sad is knowing that my grandmother misses me a lot.
The 2nd evening in Amsterdam we were calling and she bursted into tears. That it was so hard without me. That she was used to having me around. My heart broke into a thousand pieces then.
If I could teleport to her at that moment, I would have done it. I miss her so much...
But on the other hand, I also realise it is time for me to spread my own wings. If I didn't do this, I might have risked to lose Vittorio or to have grown apart. Living with him is just so easy...
He is quite tidy for male standards (puts his clothes in the laundry, doesn't have dirty socks or underwear lying around, he puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, takes out the trash...).
Really, I have nothing to complain about. If he can play an hour of Tank Wars a day, he is a happy guy. And who am I to keep this from him?
My goal in life is to be happy. It is as simple as that. I don't need piles of money, a house in the caribbean or a fancy car. Ok easy for me to say with a boyfriend who has an appartment in one of the fanciest streets of Amsterdam :-P . But it's true. If we had lived in a tiny house at the border of Amsterdam, I would have been equally happy. He is a big part of my happiness. Maybe it's lame to let 1 person determine your happiness so much, but it's just how I am. I want to make him happy. By keeping his/our appartment clean. By ironing his shirts - even if he tells me it's not necessary to iron them. By buying him chocolate cupcakes since I know he likes them so much. By rubbing my hands through his hair and give him a little head massage. By spooning him in bed at night when he doesn't expect it. By putting up his favourite movie posters on our appartment wall.
At this point, I cannot imagine that we will fight. But of course I know this is inevitable. And I am afraid to grow apart. I have heard it too many times that couple grow apart and the love is gone.
But ok: happy thoughts. Now we are happy and this is what matters!
Buonanotte! xxx
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Monday, September 26, 2016
The fear to cheat
A funny title, right? The fear to cheat... Why would you be scared to cheat on someone? Just don't do it, it's as easy as that - right? But what if it isn't?
I read this article recently by a relationship therapist about cheating that put me to thinking again. The title was "Are you unfaithful when you kiss someone else?"
Description article:
Infidelity is described as a term that covers many things. From the once-in-a-lifetime drunken kiss with a colleague to the years long secret affair. A world of difference, also when it comes to impact on the partner and the relationship.
Apparently some people are bound to cheat "easier" than others. On average 1 out of 3 people cheat. Wow. That is a lot! Even though the biggest group makes the consideration: I might feel something for this person and he/she is attractive but I will resist the temptation. Because I have a partner to whom I promised to stay faithful to. Or because there are children who assume mom and dad are a team and there will not be a 3rd person.
But what struck me the most was what makes a person go overboard. It depends on the relationship you are in obviously and if you are happy with it. But also - and even more - of your emotional functioning. The things you saw and learned at home, your self-confidence and self image, your previous relationship experiences. If you, for instance have a low self image and you don't find enough attention and confirmation in your relationship, you are more susceptible to adultery. Because yes, of course your ego gets an enormous boost of this new fling who puts you on a pedestal. For some people this pattern can even show some pathological symptoms, in the sense that they always need a new conquest to experience the same feeling. It's a well that never gets filled, a form of separation anxiety: you want the appreciation of your partner so much that it is never enough and you seek it elsewhere all the time.
Conclusion of the article: adultry is destructive. Relationships start from a romantic love ideal, with exclusivity as the most important condition. 1 to 1 relationships Ensure a bond that is fulfilling, unique and safe. But not everyone was given an equal "equipment" to maintain this exclusivity and loyalty. It's not a judgement, but a fact.
Link to article here
After reading this article I felt a bit nauseous. I know I was not given the right equipment to start with, due to a childhood trauma and the divorce of my parents about 5 years ago. I also know that I need more attention than the average normal person in my relationship. But am I therefore more likely to cheat? I just became a little more scared with myself. This is not what I want to do or want to become. I want a happily ever after with 1 person...
I read this article recently by a relationship therapist about cheating that put me to thinking again. The title was "Are you unfaithful when you kiss someone else?"
Description article:
Infidelity is described as a term that covers many things. From the once-in-a-lifetime drunken kiss with a colleague to the years long secret affair. A world of difference, also when it comes to impact on the partner and the relationship.
Apparently some people are bound to cheat "easier" than others. On average 1 out of 3 people cheat. Wow. That is a lot! Even though the biggest group makes the consideration: I might feel something for this person and he/she is attractive but I will resist the temptation. Because I have a partner to whom I promised to stay faithful to. Or because there are children who assume mom and dad are a team and there will not be a 3rd person.
But what struck me the most was what makes a person go overboard. It depends on the relationship you are in obviously and if you are happy with it. But also - and even more - of your emotional functioning. The things you saw and learned at home, your self-confidence and self image, your previous relationship experiences. If you, for instance have a low self image and you don't find enough attention and confirmation in your relationship, you are more susceptible to adultery. Because yes, of course your ego gets an enormous boost of this new fling who puts you on a pedestal. For some people this pattern can even show some pathological symptoms, in the sense that they always need a new conquest to experience the same feeling. It's a well that never gets filled, a form of separation anxiety: you want the appreciation of your partner so much that it is never enough and you seek it elsewhere all the time.
Conclusion of the article: adultry is destructive. Relationships start from a romantic love ideal, with exclusivity as the most important condition. 1 to 1 relationships Ensure a bond that is fulfilling, unique and safe. But not everyone was given an equal "equipment" to maintain this exclusivity and loyalty. It's not a judgement, but a fact.
Link to article here
After reading this article I felt a bit nauseous. I know I was not given the right equipment to start with, due to a childhood trauma and the divorce of my parents about 5 years ago. I also know that I need more attention than the average normal person in my relationship. But am I therefore more likely to cheat? I just became a little more scared with myself. This is not what I want to do or want to become. I want a happily ever after with 1 person...
Monday, September 19, 2016
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Mind Reading
Here we are again. It's sunday night and after a lovely weekend with my boyfriend I am back at my appartment - alone. I don't feel particularly sad - just a bit emotional. Weekends go so much faster when we are together!
We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!
Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.
Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".
It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...
And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?
I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...
We had the most amazing weekend again! I arrived friday night around 9.30, we settled down on the couch with a glass and talked a bit about our day. I think it took us about 45 min until we decided to take it to the bedroom ;-) After that, we didn't stay up much longer. We would have visitors over the day after!
Saturday around 11 the time was there: our friends Toni and Borko from Bulgaria were in the country and they were sleeping over at our place. We enjoyed a nice day and evening together (it ended with shots in a bar!) and today we took it easy. We decided to go to a pizza place called "La Perla" for late lunch. As we were walking there, Vitto and me hand in hand, it was very quiet. We didn't talk. I enjoyed the walk and the environment but it made me feel uncomfortable that we did not seem to have anything to talk about. After the pizza lunch with BoNi, we split up again and went for a walk to the bookshop. Again there, we did not talk very much. At those times, I wished I could look into his head or read his mind.
Even though I have nothing to worry about I'm still scared and insecure of his feelings about me or the relationship. The fear or getting hurt again goes so much deeper than I thought. I wonder if he still thinks about his ex. By coincidence I saw a picture pass by on Instagram by Kione celebrating her 30th birthday. I wonder if his parents will like me as much as they like her. I wonder if he compares us at times. I wonder if I soon will be part of his family. My biggest fear is to be an 'inbetweener' after his relationship of 10 years with her. Someone to be with and have fun with but not "the one".
It's ridiculous because I am moving in at his place soon but these thoughts do pop up. It feels like I have such huge shoes to fill. She is still everywhere, even though she moved out. It just makes me so insecure when I bump into an old picture of them together in his bedside table, when I am looking for a tissue... Why is it still there? I understand that people have a past - I also keep some stuff from my exes in a box, but they are not lingering around at my appartment. If I see him on his phone and then putting it screenside down my thoughts go in overdrive and wonder who he's texting and why. Do they see/hear each other still a lot? It makes me feel so goddamn insecure...
And I hate it that my thoughts go in overdrive so much!! Why can't I just be relaxed and super happy with everything I have and what's happening? Why can't it just be rainbows and unicorns? Wish I was more like Vittorio in that way. Rational and calm. Or whatever goes on in that mind of his... Monkey's that play the bong? 2 neurons looking for each other?
I know he reads my blog as well every now and then and that's also the reason why I talk about my feelings so much. I don't want to 'bother' him with all my emotions and thoughts all the time but I do want him to know. Here he can read it all if he wants to - it's his choice. And he can bring it up - or not. I just need this to vent...
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Major decision? Toss a coin
Recent research has shown that we value important life choices too much. We are too careful when it comes to changing our lives. Whether it's our relationship, our job or where we live: it doesn't happen that often that we give up our status quo for the unknown.
The research was done amongst 20.000 test persons who had to make a big decision in life. Instead of making a rational decision, they were asked to toss a coin and to have their decision based on heads or tails. 2 months later, they were asked what they had done and about 13% followed the result of the coin. These people were further questioned to determine what the 'random' effect of their choice was. For some of them, it involved a major decision related to their job, relationship or family. Other ones had to deal with minor choices like a new hair color or getting a tattoo.
After 6 months they were asked to evaluate their happiness. From the scores the contestants gave themselves, it turned out that especially the ones that made more dramatic life choices, were happier than before the experiment. They gave themselves on average 2 points more than before, on a scale of 1 to 10. Also their friends and family, who were involved in this test, confirmed this score. Especially the decision to end a relationship or to quit a job, turned out to have a lot of impact. Minor changes like a new hair color or a tattoo had a much smaller influence on the feelings of happiness of the test persons.
If you're torn apart between something new and the unknown: actually between doing something and doing nothing - then go for the adventure. The chances are pretty high it makes you happier.
The research was done amongst 20.000 test persons who had to make a big decision in life. Instead of making a rational decision, they were asked to toss a coin and to have their decision based on heads or tails. 2 months later, they were asked what they had done and about 13% followed the result of the coin. These people were further questioned to determine what the 'random' effect of their choice was. For some of them, it involved a major decision related to their job, relationship or family. Other ones had to deal with minor choices like a new hair color or getting a tattoo.
After 6 months they were asked to evaluate their happiness. From the scores the contestants gave themselves, it turned out that especially the ones that made more dramatic life choices, were happier than before the experiment. They gave themselves on average 2 points more than before, on a scale of 1 to 10. Also their friends and family, who were involved in this test, confirmed this score. Especially the decision to end a relationship or to quit a job, turned out to have a lot of impact. Minor changes like a new hair color or a tattoo had a much smaller influence on the feelings of happiness of the test persons.
If you're torn apart between something new and the unknown: actually between doing something and doing nothing - then go for the adventure. The chances are pretty high it makes you happier.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Terrified/Hopeful
"What if I fall?"
Oh, but my darling
what if you fly?
The last few days I've been feeling really restless.
It's really dawning on me that the time is getting shorter here.
In less than one month I will live in Amsterdam.
As everything is getting arranged now (the packing, selling my furniture, making appointments for their pick-up, having people over to watch the appartment) it's like I'm getting cold feet.
Yes, I still want to be with Vittorio.
and yes, I still want to move to Amsterdam.
But I'm so scared.
Scared of it going wrong. Scared that it will not work out.
Scared that we made this decision too soon. Scared that we are just not compatible.
Scared that I will just feel lonely. Scared that I will not get used to the city.
Scared that I will not like my new job. Scared that my new job will not like me.
I know there's a solution to everything. I can move back to Belgium if it doesn't work out. There's plenty of people who are willing to give me a temporary sleeping place. I can get another job if I don't like it or it doesn't like me. I can try some new hobbies to meet new people. Make Skype appointments with current friends and family.
It's just something that is so far out of my comfort zone.
But maybe it's the best decision of my life?
What if it exceeds everything I was even too afraid to dream?
What if we become this amazing couple that only needs half a word to understand each other?
What if we never fight and have sex every night?
What if I farted glitter?
Errr.. ok. Too far.
I didn't mean to make this post too emotional. But the thing is: it's probably somewhere in the middle. I'm sure we will have our fights and disagreements. I'm sure we are different in many areas but also alike in so many others. I'm sure that I am sociable enough to make new friends, even though it takes time. I can do this.
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