Yesterday I was mean to him for no reason.
I came home from work really annoyed. I don't know why, nothing happened or anything.
He texted me around 6 to let me know he would finish one call and then come home.
At 6.30 he texted me he would leave in 5 min. Again this annoyed me.
When he eventually came home, he was his nice and sweet self. He came to kiss me as usual and gave me a hug. I still could not let it go, During the day, I texted him "thank you for being you". He did not read the message, but was online at 16:09. I asked him what that was all about. He must've thought I had gone crazy. He wanted to finish a work mail and then would hear how my day went. After sending the work mail he said: ok, now a quick call to my parents and then I start to prepare dinner. Irritated I said: oh right, those are your priorities, right? Work, your parents, dinner and than me. Thanks. During dinner he got some messages from colleagues, and he replied to them, instead of making time for me. Fine, I said, I'll take my phone as well so we can both be anti-social.
After dinner, we wanted to watch an episode of Breaking Bad, but it seemed I was missing that one episode. So we logged in to Netflix to watch. Afterwards Vitto wanted to read, so I put on the movie P.S. I love you. And then the tears started to come. I just needed to get all these negative emotions out. I was done with feeling like that, but didn't know why. I hoped crying would help me to feel better. Luckily it did, weird as it might seem.
I lay awake quite a while last night thinking about the evening and why I acted like I did.
The only thing I could come up with is that it's my insecurity acting up.
On my best days, I am kind, loving, funny, happy.
But something started feeding this negativity, and it probably was me.
After Vittorio told me about his promotion, I was of course very happy for him, but also a bit worried. I liked the way our work/life balance was now. We came home at reasonable hours, had a lot of time together. The past weeks Vitto was in Italy quite a lot. I was doing fine, had no problem with him being abroad. Of course I missed him, but in general, I was fine.
When he came back, I noticed the balance had shifted. Some things at his work caused him having to spend more time on it. Again a few hours of working on Saturday, on Sunday. Starting to make a few phone calls in the evening, Being dead tired already around 22h. Of course, he would still give me attention but I can see the fire in his eyes is becoming less.
He is worried, and that anxiety is projected on me.
I am scared that his job will change our relationship. I know I am quite a needy person. And now, with the balance shifting, I become restless and asking for even more attention, knowing he is preoccupied at work and might not be able to give it. And as a reaction to that, I push him away or intentionally try to get an upset reaction from him to be able to say "See, I told you this would happen". But it's me who is provoking it.
I don't know. These are all just theories, or random thoughts. I am just longing for spring, for summer, for sunshine, for warmth, Because I cannot seem to find it in myself at the moment...
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Highschool sweethearts
Today at Kruidvat, I got a free magazine entitled "All you need is love". Apparently that is the title of a famous Dutch tv show. I went to a bar, ordered a drink and some fries and started reading. Of course, the main topic is Love. A lot of interviews with people, shared stories. Like this quote:
"We both have our own life experiences which makes that we both don't have the illusion that the perfect relationship exists or that you can change the other into your perfect image. So we accept each others differences and enjoy the being together."
Beautiful insight, right? Then I started reading another article, about first loves, and what makes them so special. Ha, I tought, this is why my parents got divorced. And I started reading. At the end of the article, however, my stomach was squeezed together. If you think that I have no more anxiety now that I am happy in love with Vittorio, you are wrong!
What caused this anxiety?
Quotes: You grow up together, go to college together, spend a lot of time together at each others place, you know the family and the parents - much better than you later will know parents-in-law because now you are basically already there after school. In short: you share an entire history. Also important with a first relationship: it is also your first break-up. If the first love remains something magic, also depends on how it ended. If there was a lot of pain caused by for example infidelity or an abrupt divorce, you are hurt very deeply into your sould and of course you long less for your first love. But if you decided to end it together, there is less pain and he/she can have a special place in your heart forever.
As time moves on, and after some years of dissapointment in love, they come across each other again and realise they did not have it that bad after all. Maybe they had too high expectations at the time, or were too busy evolving that they lost each other in the process. But when they find each other again, they might realise: it was you all this time after all, you touch me the deepest, with you I can be myself.
All this followed by some succesful "finding each other again" stories. This scared me. Of course I know Vitto loves me and the past is in the past. For now. But what if in a few years we might be in a routine, or lose each other a bit. A history of 10 years, same nationalities, so many memories. I would be lying if I said I was not intimidated by this. I know I'm overthinking (again). And if it happens, than so be it and I should move on anyway. But it for sure bogs my mind now. Great - thanks a lot free magazine at Kruidvat.
"We both have our own life experiences which makes that we both don't have the illusion that the perfect relationship exists or that you can change the other into your perfect image. So we accept each others differences and enjoy the being together."
Beautiful insight, right? Then I started reading another article, about first loves, and what makes them so special. Ha, I tought, this is why my parents got divorced. And I started reading. At the end of the article, however, my stomach was squeezed together. If you think that I have no more anxiety now that I am happy in love with Vittorio, you are wrong!
What caused this anxiety?
Quotes: You grow up together, go to college together, spend a lot of time together at each others place, you know the family and the parents - much better than you later will know parents-in-law because now you are basically already there after school. In short: you share an entire history. Also important with a first relationship: it is also your first break-up. If the first love remains something magic, also depends on how it ended. If there was a lot of pain caused by for example infidelity or an abrupt divorce, you are hurt very deeply into your sould and of course you long less for your first love. But if you decided to end it together, there is less pain and he/she can have a special place in your heart forever.
As time moves on, and after some years of dissapointment in love, they come across each other again and realise they did not have it that bad after all. Maybe they had too high expectations at the time, or were too busy evolving that they lost each other in the process. But when they find each other again, they might realise: it was you all this time after all, you touch me the deepest, with you I can be myself.
All this followed by some succesful "finding each other again" stories. This scared me. Of course I know Vitto loves me and the past is in the past. For now. But what if in a few years we might be in a routine, or lose each other a bit. A history of 10 years, same nationalities, so many memories. I would be lying if I said I was not intimidated by this. I know I'm overthinking (again). And if it happens, than so be it and I should move on anyway. But it for sure bogs my mind now. Great - thanks a lot free magazine at Kruidvat.
Daddy Lessons
They say a woman looks for a man like her father.
How you were treated by your father as you were growing up helps shape your view of men in general and what you expect from them. It sets a standard. How so? Because it was the first feeling of love that you have ever had for a man.
If you were raised by a very caring dad who looked after you, took care of you and treated you like his little princess, you might now look for similar treatment from who you date. Simultaneously, if your dad was more cold and distant, worked a lot and was always too busy, that is also setting a standard — a standard that could influence who you date. You might also make a point of steering clear of those qualities you might not have liked in your father, but the fact remains, those qualities did or do influence you.
I thought about this today. In the past, or now in the present, did I fall for guys like my father? But that led me to another thought: I feel like I have had 3 father figures in my life: my biological father Danny, Philip and Walter.
When I was little, my father was away from home a lot. And when he was home, he often was drunk. He was not an alcoholic or anything, but he was still very young when he had my brother and me (24 & 25). Furthermore, he was in the army with all same-aged colleagues so they tended to have some looong evenings. It's not that I don't have good memories of my dad, because I do. I remember him being very caring for the family. Thoughtful towards my mother: always gifts for her birthday, Valentine's day, Mother's day. If we only gave a squeek that we needed something, he fixed it for us. If we went out for dinner, he always paid. Always. When it came to material stuff, we were well-provided. But he was never a great sharer of his emotions. From my childhood to my teenage years: I never had a talk about emotions with my father. I didn't miss it either, I talked to my mother about those things. Now after the divorce, weird enough, it is actually possible for us to talk about feelings and these things. I guess we both had to mature a bit :)
But what did I learn from my father: a man puts his family on the 1st place and takes care of them.
Then Philip. In my teenage years I spent a lot of time at his place, because I was close friends with his daughter. Together with Nele (another friend) we spend weeks and months at their place. It started around when I was around 15. Even though it was just 1 street away from home, I spent many nights there. Because it was cosy, fun and Philip was not like regular dads. He was adventurous, loving, caring and fun. With him I could talk about feelings, emotions, relationships and so on. I remember some nights in the weekend we stayed up until 2 AM, then felt like eating pancakes and started baking them. The next day; we felt like going kayaking, Philip took us there. One Christmas Day, Philip called me and asked if I felt like going to Paris. We threw a mattress and some blankets in the back of his truck and he drove to Paris while we could sleep in the back. When we woke up, we had breakfast on the Champs-Elysées. When I had boyfriend-problems when I was studying in Hasselt and didn't feel good, he drove to Hasselt to pick me up, took me home, talked with me and the next morning he would drive me to school in Hasselt again. The friendship with his daugter didn't last, but I'm still very close to Philip today. I was even his best woman when he got remarried a few years ago!
What I learned from Philip: sharing emotions for a man is not weird. I've seen Philip cry, upset, and he taught me it's ok. Also: the sometimes crazy impulsive ideas I will remember forever.
And then last but not least: Walter. He was actually more my "professional dad". When I started working at Fruitsnacks in 2013, he was my manager there. Very quickly, he took me under his wings. He took me to many client meetings right from the start and shared many insight information of his international career at a big international company. He was also never mad or upset with me. Never in 3 years he raised his voice to me. There were always solutions to problems. And even if I fucked up something, he would stick out his neck for me to the management. Also when my relationship with Redlef was going down the drain, he was so supportive. The days I was not ok mentally I was excused. He let me go home earlier a few times because I was a wreck. I also talked with him a lot about what was going on, and he gave me some great advice. Also professionally he helped me grow a lot and gain a lot of confidence. He is the type of manager every company needs. He knows how to guide a team and get them and the company somewhere.
What I learned from him: he made me stronger and more self-confident in my job and as a person by building me up instead of criticizing me.
So if I combine the 3 above here: A man should provide for his family, be able to talk about his emotions, be a bit impulsive, positive and not too criticizing.
I think those are good daddy lessons. And the great news? I think I found a man just like that in Vitto :-)
How you were treated by your father as you were growing up helps shape your view of men in general and what you expect from them. It sets a standard. How so? Because it was the first feeling of love that you have ever had for a man.
If you were raised by a very caring dad who looked after you, took care of you and treated you like his little princess, you might now look for similar treatment from who you date. Simultaneously, if your dad was more cold and distant, worked a lot and was always too busy, that is also setting a standard — a standard that could influence who you date. You might also make a point of steering clear of those qualities you might not have liked in your father, but the fact remains, those qualities did or do influence you.
I thought about this today. In the past, or now in the present, did I fall for guys like my father? But that led me to another thought: I feel like I have had 3 father figures in my life: my biological father Danny, Philip and Walter.
When I was little, my father was away from home a lot. And when he was home, he often was drunk. He was not an alcoholic or anything, but he was still very young when he had my brother and me (24 & 25). Furthermore, he was in the army with all same-aged colleagues so they tended to have some looong evenings. It's not that I don't have good memories of my dad, because I do. I remember him being very caring for the family. Thoughtful towards my mother: always gifts for her birthday, Valentine's day, Mother's day. If we only gave a squeek that we needed something, he fixed it for us. If we went out for dinner, he always paid. Always. When it came to material stuff, we were well-provided. But he was never a great sharer of his emotions. From my childhood to my teenage years: I never had a talk about emotions with my father. I didn't miss it either, I talked to my mother about those things. Now after the divorce, weird enough, it is actually possible for us to talk about feelings and these things. I guess we both had to mature a bit :)
But what did I learn from my father: a man puts his family on the 1st place and takes care of them.
Then Philip. In my teenage years I spent a lot of time at his place, because I was close friends with his daughter. Together with Nele (another friend) we spend weeks and months at their place. It started around when I was around 15. Even though it was just 1 street away from home, I spent many nights there. Because it was cosy, fun and Philip was not like regular dads. He was adventurous, loving, caring and fun. With him I could talk about feelings, emotions, relationships and so on. I remember some nights in the weekend we stayed up until 2 AM, then felt like eating pancakes and started baking them. The next day; we felt like going kayaking, Philip took us there. One Christmas Day, Philip called me and asked if I felt like going to Paris. We threw a mattress and some blankets in the back of his truck and he drove to Paris while we could sleep in the back. When we woke up, we had breakfast on the Champs-Elysées. When I had boyfriend-problems when I was studying in Hasselt and didn't feel good, he drove to Hasselt to pick me up, took me home, talked with me and the next morning he would drive me to school in Hasselt again. The friendship with his daugter didn't last, but I'm still very close to Philip today. I was even his best woman when he got remarried a few years ago!
What I learned from Philip: sharing emotions for a man is not weird. I've seen Philip cry, upset, and he taught me it's ok. Also: the sometimes crazy impulsive ideas I will remember forever.
And then last but not least: Walter. He was actually more my "professional dad". When I started working at Fruitsnacks in 2013, he was my manager there. Very quickly, he took me under his wings. He took me to many client meetings right from the start and shared many insight information of his international career at a big international company. He was also never mad or upset with me. Never in 3 years he raised his voice to me. There were always solutions to problems. And even if I fucked up something, he would stick out his neck for me to the management. Also when my relationship with Redlef was going down the drain, he was so supportive. The days I was not ok mentally I was excused. He let me go home earlier a few times because I was a wreck. I also talked with him a lot about what was going on, and he gave me some great advice. Also professionally he helped me grow a lot and gain a lot of confidence. He is the type of manager every company needs. He knows how to guide a team and get them and the company somewhere.
What I learned from him: he made me stronger and more self-confident in my job and as a person by building me up instead of criticizing me.
So if I combine the 3 above here: A man should provide for his family, be able to talk about his emotions, be a bit impulsive, positive and not too criticizing.
I think those are good daddy lessons. And the great news? I think I found a man just like that in Vitto :-)
Monday, February 13, 2017
Perfect Strangers - i perfetti sconosciuti
Tonight we watched a movie together called "Perfect Strangers". Afterwards, we were both a bit blown away by it. We agreed it was the best movie we both had seen in months. Without wanting to give away too much, I will lift a tip of the veil and tell you what it is about:
3 married couples and 1 friend who just started dating someone get together for a dinner. One of the wives suggests it would be a nice game to put all the cellphones out on the open on the table. Every incoming text, call or e-mail is read and answered out loud. After all, they don't have secrets for each other, right?
Wrong.
The movie put me to thinking. Do we all have our dirty little secrets? Things we prefer not to tell our partner? It can be the "smaller" things like seeing a therapist without your partner knowing. Or the biggest things, like screwing your partner's best friend. How well do we know each other really? And should our phone really be off-limits for our partners if we have nothing to hide?
I believe that in a healthy relationship both partners should be able to put their phones on the table every night, and whenever a phone receives a notification of something, both partners should be able to watch. No secrecy, no my-phone-my-privacy. In my opinion, a respectful relationship is all about transparency. It doesn't mean you should check your partner's phone every minute, but it's about knowing that you can.
After all, there's nothing more scary than living with your partner for a while, and then discovering that you don't know that person so well after all...
If he/she is the one you want to spend your life with, you should also be sharing all of it. Not just parts you want them to see. Sure, after many years of marriage/relationship I can imagine there is a certain routine. Falling in love with someone else can happen, it only makes you mortal. The thing is: how do you respond to it? You don't. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, you should worry about fertilizing your own grass.
There is no excuse for sending naked/explicit pictures to a random person on Facebook, or having an affair with a colleague because it's so fresh and exciting. No excuse for getting sexy pictures from a sexy friend or ex. You are responsible for your own actions. Only you. The choice is yours: Full Transparancy or Perfetti Sconosciuti?
3 married couples and 1 friend who just started dating someone get together for a dinner. One of the wives suggests it would be a nice game to put all the cellphones out on the open on the table. Every incoming text, call or e-mail is read and answered out loud. After all, they don't have secrets for each other, right?
Wrong.
The movie put me to thinking. Do we all have our dirty little secrets? Things we prefer not to tell our partner? It can be the "smaller" things like seeing a therapist without your partner knowing. Or the biggest things, like screwing your partner's best friend. How well do we know each other really? And should our phone really be off-limits for our partners if we have nothing to hide?
I believe that in a healthy relationship both partners should be able to put their phones on the table every night, and whenever a phone receives a notification of something, both partners should be able to watch. No secrecy, no my-phone-my-privacy. In my opinion, a respectful relationship is all about transparency. It doesn't mean you should check your partner's phone every minute, but it's about knowing that you can.
After all, there's nothing more scary than living with your partner for a while, and then discovering that you don't know that person so well after all...
If he/she is the one you want to spend your life with, you should also be sharing all of it. Not just parts you want them to see. Sure, after many years of marriage/relationship I can imagine there is a certain routine. Falling in love with someone else can happen, it only makes you mortal. The thing is: how do you respond to it? You don't. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, you should worry about fertilizing your own grass.
There is no excuse for sending naked/explicit pictures to a random person on Facebook, or having an affair with a colleague because it's so fresh and exciting. No excuse for getting sexy pictures from a sexy friend or ex. You are responsible for your own actions. Only you. The choice is yours: Full Transparancy or Perfetti Sconosciuti?
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Book writing - Growing
Sunday evening. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room. My living room. It's still so surreal. I know I don't actually own anything here. But I feel so grateful. It feels like this is right where I am supposed to be.
"Amore
Croatia 25th-28th may?
With Alex and Co?
There is a festival as far as I understood"
"Nice, sure!
How much is it?"
"Don't worry about that, it is from Sara and the new guy money
Love you <3"
"BTW I booked something for San Valentine X <3 "
Is this all really happening? I am with this amazing man who takes such good care of me. We are a good couple. I feel we have something strong and solid here. He took the time to read my book. Page per page. Also the pages that were smeared by my tears. Up until the day we met. And now, he is part of every new chapter. The pages that are still unwritten, we will write together.
Sometimes when we lie in bed together and he is still reading a book, I just stare at him. I stare as my heart fills with so much love and I can't help but think how much I love him. And that's quite remarkable. Flashback:
I still remember when we were just together how fragile, scared and insecure I was. Scared of being hurt again. Of being used, just for fun. Nothing serious. I was very anxious and had very little trust in him. Somewhere in my mind, there was a voice that kept telling me to be careful. Not to get too attached because I might get disposed once again. We had fun together, it felt comfortable, he seemed sincere. But I was cautious.
He stayed consistent. We got together officially in november. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, texting me goodmorning every day and goodnight every evening. He bought a new iPad and immediately the first time he brought it to my place, he put my fingerprints in the system so I had access at all times. Same for his new iPhone. Until today, he still doesn't realise the impact of this.
When he was taking a shower at my appartment and left his phone behind, like a maniac I would go through all his messages, only to discover he was completely in love with me and had nothing to hide. I felt ashamed afterwards of doing it, but also relieved that there was no hurt, no dissapointment, no cheating. After a few times, there would be one time I thought "yeah never mind, he has nothing to hide anyway". And then 2 times in a row. I'm not saying I completely stopped checking on him - but the fear is slowly fading away and the trust is growing. He gave me this huge amount of trust of letting me into his life and personal messages. Messages I had no business with, but he knew and knows how important this is to me.
I also tell him when I checked his phone again. He doesn't care, or at least doesn't tell me if it bothers him. But I feel confident knowing that there will be a day that I will no longer check his phone. I will have beaten this fear, this anxiety. And that again, will be a next chapter in my book of life with him.
Xoxo
Claudia
"Amore
Croatia 25th-28th may?
With Alex and Co?
There is a festival as far as I understood"
"Nice, sure!
How much is it?"
"Don't worry about that, it is from Sara and the new guy money
Love you <3"
"BTW I booked something for San Valentine X <3 "
Is this all really happening? I am with this amazing man who takes such good care of me. We are a good couple. I feel we have something strong and solid here. He took the time to read my book. Page per page. Also the pages that were smeared by my tears. Up until the day we met. And now, he is part of every new chapter. The pages that are still unwritten, we will write together.
Sometimes when we lie in bed together and he is still reading a book, I just stare at him. I stare as my heart fills with so much love and I can't help but think how much I love him. And that's quite remarkable. Flashback:
I still remember when we were just together how fragile, scared and insecure I was. Scared of being hurt again. Of being used, just for fun. Nothing serious. I was very anxious and had very little trust in him. Somewhere in my mind, there was a voice that kept telling me to be careful. Not to get too attached because I might get disposed once again. We had fun together, it felt comfortable, he seemed sincere. But I was cautious.
He stayed consistent. We got together officially in november. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, texting me goodmorning every day and goodnight every evening. He bought a new iPad and immediately the first time he brought it to my place, he put my fingerprints in the system so I had access at all times. Same for his new iPhone. Until today, he still doesn't realise the impact of this.
When he was taking a shower at my appartment and left his phone behind, like a maniac I would go through all his messages, only to discover he was completely in love with me and had nothing to hide. I felt ashamed afterwards of doing it, but also relieved that there was no hurt, no dissapointment, no cheating. After a few times, there would be one time I thought "yeah never mind, he has nothing to hide anyway". And then 2 times in a row. I'm not saying I completely stopped checking on him - but the fear is slowly fading away and the trust is growing. He gave me this huge amount of trust of letting me into his life and personal messages. Messages I had no business with, but he knew and knows how important this is to me.
I also tell him when I checked his phone again. He doesn't care, or at least doesn't tell me if it bothers him. But I feel confident knowing that there will be a day that I will no longer check his phone. I will have beaten this fear, this anxiety. And that again, will be a next chapter in my book of life with him.
Xoxo
Claudia
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