Types of attachment

Being the emotional person that I am, I have already spent a lot of time soulsearching. Where are all these emotions coming from? Why do I react the way I do? Is this normal?

I've discussed the Enneagram in a previous post, and I still believe this to be true.
I also believe in the attachment styles. What this is?

As a baby/toddler you were completely dependent on your parents. The way they reacted in distressful situations for you, formed your attachment style. For example, if you put a mother  and her baby in a room together, give the baby some toys to play with and then the mother would leave the room, how would the baby react?

A child with a secure attachment stops playing, starts crying and crawls towards the door where the mom went through. When the mom comes back and soothes the child, it calms down again and continues playing, feeling secure again.

However, children with an unsafe attachment will respond differently.

An overly anxious child will get upset, stop playing, start crying and even continues to cry when the mom comes back and soothes him/her. It will be clingy and need more attention, or - in the other case - will be mad at the mom for leaving and hit her, or turn its head away. this is an anxious-preoccupied attachment.

Or, a different situation can also be that the child does notice the mom leaving, but just continues playing. When the mom returns, it will also notice this but won't ask to be picked up. This is the dismissive-avoidant attachment.

The last time is a bit of a combination of the last 2: the child will notice the mom leaving, will notice her returning and will run towards her for comfort, but they stop along the way, like they are hesitant, and then just go back to playing. They are ambivalent in the way how they respond. This is the fearful-avoidant attachment.

When the child grows up, the way it's parents react to certain situations or conflicts determine the further development of his/her attachment. This is something we take along with us, as we grow up to be adults. And this is where it gets interesting: how does a mix of 2 completely different attachment styles work?

I'll discuss my attachment type in a next post!

And there, in the middle of my chaos, was you.

I just got home from my 2nd weekend in Amsterdam with my amazing Principe. I'm still adapting to the city, because everything is so big and overwhelming. I love his appartment though. For some reason I feel at home there. The thing is: the feeling at home part has nothing to do with the appartment itself. That is just a pile of bricks. It has everything to do with my Principe. Wherever he is, is where I want to be. Home is not a place, Home is a person.

We have been together officially for 6 months now, and I am so happy. Every time we see each other, I grow to be more fond of him. He soothes my soul. Knows how to handle my insecure moments. Loves me for who I am. With or without make-up. Dressed up or in my sweatpants (well, preferably without clothes I guess :-P).

It's so crazy that we met each other by coincidence in Italy. I was not looking for anyone at that time, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't either. Unbelievable that he might be the man I will spend the rest of my life with. But I'm ready for it. With him by my side, I can take on the world.

The Queen of overreacting

I think if there was an award for overreacting, I'd win it hands down for sure. And also the runner up and third place. Afterwards looking back at those moments, I am ashamed of my reaction. But in the moment itself, my reaction seems totally legit and normal. So how do you turn something around that you have no awareness of in the moment?

Let me explain.

I suffer from Sunday night blues, and sometimes also Monday morning blues as well. After holidays, or a nice weekend with family/friends or Vittorio, I am emotional and sad-ish the day after. I am grateful because it happened, but I can't help to feel a bit down because it's over. On these days my overthinking is taking over, and I worry faster than I should. I start questionning myself again.

A little incident (again a little overreacting from my side) that happened in Bastogne on Friday was the trigger this time. Something didn't happen according to my expectations, I overreacted, we talked about it and it was ok, but on Monday my emo-person felt insecure about the immature reaction I had. So I had the need to talk about it again. But Vitto and I were both at work, so not the best timing.

In the evening, at 10 pm I gave it a new attempt. "Do you feel like you know me a little by now?" His reply: omg these questions at 10 pm on a Monday night :-P". Being already emotional, this pissed me off. So what if it's 10 pm on a Monday night? What if I feel like talking to you? Even if it was 2 am on a Tuesday night and you wanted to talk, i'd still listen! So bam, I shut down. Didn't feel like talking anymore. Just leave me alone.

The morning after he noticed that my answers were very monosyllabic and asked me what was wrong. Being stubborn again, I said: nothing. He: did I dismiss your question from yesterday in a way that offended you? Me: yes. Him: I understand Principessa, sorry for that! I did not realize you were serious. Me: I understand that starting a talk at 10 am on a working day is not the best timing for a talk, so I waited until the evening. But did not expect a “omg these questions at 22h on a Monday :-P”.  Him: ok fair. Sorry, I did not react properly to that, I misread your real intent!

So basically he apologized, and understood why I reacted the way I did, but still I was not calmed down. I still needed to talk about it. But again: we were both working so would leave it for later on. The rest of the day we did not hear each other a lot, which did not improve my mood. In the evening I got a text around 7 from him saying that his dad was in Amsterdam for his work and that he was going out for dinner with him. What? Your dad is in town and you forgot to mention that to me? It's not a big thing, but telling your girlfriend the little things is what differentiates her from a regular friend. So bam, I was offended again. Texted him to have fun and enjoy the night with his dad. After yoga, it's around 10.30 so he usually goes to bed around that time. This time as well. He said "Buonanotte Principessa, smaaaaack!" but I just felt so dissapointed that I could not return the favor.

This morning then, he wished me a goodmorning and told me that he was going to Eindhoven now for work and would try to call me on the way home. What? You are in Eindhoven for work? Why didn't you tell me... Again the little things I would like to know... It's not a big thing, but at times like this I feel like he doesn't bother telling me stuff like that. So I replied: "Not sure I will be available, going out for drinks with a friend after work and then have dinner with my ex."  There. Feel dissapointed now as well.

After about 10 minutes I realise I reacted childish. But it's my feeling of hurt and dissapointment that makes me react the way I do. I want to change this aspect of me, but it's not that simple.. And that is why I want him to know me, so he knows how to react when I overreact and it can cool down again before it escalates.

I am an Enneagram type 6: The Loyal Sceptic.

What defines these people?

"You want to be safe and secure, to fit in and belong. More importantly, you want to have certainty and security, putting your faith in a trusted authority, belief system or tradition. You see yourself as faithful, friendly, conservative and/or cautious. You would like others to see you as loyal, dedicated and reliable. Your idealized image is that you are supportive and do your duty.

A bundle of contradictions, you can be wary and cautious one minute and/or rebellious and courageous the next. You possess an endearing childlike reactivity and often take the position of the devil’s advocate. Depending on the situation, you can be friendly and outgoing or reserved and skeptical. A ‘good soldier’, you prefer the role of buddy, loyal family member or trusted employee. You can be a reluctant authority because you fear that taking on a leadership position might make you a target for opposition. You are attracted to people who are strong, protective and/or have prestige. You seek trusted, reliable authorities and allies.

Often identifying with the underdog and distrustful of people’s hidden agendas, you are slow to trust new acquaintances. Fearing that you will be duped or taken advantage of, you are keenly aware of inconsistencies. To determine if someone is trustworthy, you watch for and question any discrepancy you observe. Once someone passes the testing process, you become deeply committed and a most loyal friend. Devoted to your friends and family, you show allegiance over individuality.

You need predictability, a protective, trustworthy authority and the security of feeling that you belong. You long for guidance to manage the feelings of fear and doubt. You are a “proof junkie” who needs to test people, ideas and beliefs over and over again to see if they are worthy of your loyalty. You need reassurance and encouraging, positive feedback from friends and loved ones.

You avoid deviance, uncertainty and anything that is different from any group or idea to which you ascribe. You are highly motivated to avoid disappointing friends or authority figures. Fear and doubt  can undermine your sense of safety. You are afraid of fear, submission and cowardice, so you vacillate between loyalty and rebelliousness by puffing up and backing down. You fear anything unproven or radical. You also are afraid of deviating from the norm or being different from your peers. Your greatest fear, however, is to be alone and unprotected.

Your attention goes to feelings of fear and doubt and scanning for danger, hidden motives or agendas. You have a tendency to focus on the worst-case scenario. Your fears and doubts can keep you from taking action and/or trusting yourself and others. You may at times be overly phobic and at other times overly counter-phobic.

Sixes are the primary type in the Thinking Center, meaning that they have the most trouble contacting their own inner guidance. As a result, they do not have confidence in their own minds and judgments.
 
This does not mean that they do not think. On the contrary, they think—and worry—a lot! They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them. They want to avoid being controlled, but are also afraid of taking responsibility in a way that might put them “in the line of fire.” (The old Japanese adage that says, “The blade of grass that grows too high gets chopped off” relates to this idea.)
 
Sixes are always aware of their anxieties and are always looking for ways to construct “social security” bulwarks against them. If Sixes feel that they have sufficient back up, they can move forward with some degree of confidence. But if that crumbles, they become anxious and self-doubting, reawakening their Basic Fear. (“I’m on my own! What am I going to do now?”) A good question for Sixes might therefore be: “When will I know that I have enough security?” Or, to get right to the heart of it, “What is security?” Without Essential inner guidance and the deep sense of support that it brings, Sixes are constantly struggling to find firm ground."

Full text: https://www.enneagram.net/type6.html

So you see.. this is all very recognisable to me. I want - no I need him to understand me. So he can react properly when I can't...

Stressy vs. Calm

I think one of the big plusses in this relationship is Vittorio's calmness. I have the tendency to stress about almost everything. Vittorio on the other hand is a very calm and relaxed person. At the beginning of our relationship I was still very anxious after all that happened with Redlef.

What if it goes wrong again? What if the distance between Hasselt and Amsterdam gets in between us? What if we just can't do this Long Distance Relationship thing? What if he meets someone else? For how long will we do this? Should I move to Amsterdam? But what about my furniture? And my car? Will his parents like me? Will there be a language barrier? I should learn Italian quickly. I'm telling you, once my brain sneaks into panick mode, it's all there.

Luckily I can talk to my man about my worries, my fears, my insecurities and he always knows how to calm me down again.

For example: we are planning a 3 day trip to the Ardens next week. We are going to the spa in Spa (hah!) for 1 day and I was reading reviews about it online. Not so good reviews. People saying it was more like an overrated pool instead of a spa. Too expensive for what it's worth. Oh no. I started panicking again. Should we just book 3 hours instead of an entire day then? Should we buy a combi-ticket with lunch included or not? What if it sucks and we want to get out? I told Vitto we might get dissapointed after Thermae 2000, but his words were: don't worry, we make the best out of it! And of course, he is right. That instantly calmed me down. We will make the best out of it.

After almost half a year of 'officially' being with Vitto and 10 months of knowing him, I already came a long way. I have my moments of insecurity of jealousy, but I can more easily get over them as well. Maybe it's a mix of his responding to my actions and the yoga classes I have been taking that made me this much more relaxed.

It also made me wonder if a 'calm' person with calmer hobbies might be exactly what a more nervous and anxious person needs. I think so. If I compare with who I was 1 year ago, with also a very nervous and also constantly active person, I changed a lot! His nervousness empowered mine and probably vice versa. And now maybe my 'great range of emotions' is also helping Vittorio express his. He knows I will understand and he can tell me anything.

I am looking forward to our little holiday that starts on thursday!! :-)

Healing scars

I am damaged goods. Previous experiences and dissapointments in life left their scars on my soul. I don't know if it is because of this, but I am very sensitive. Overemotional maybe. I overthink things. And it is a curse and a blessing at the same time. A blessing because I have a very high emotional intelligence which allows me to "read" people's emotions very easily. I can almost feel when something is off with someone. Sense the mood or the tension in a room. An awareness to others pain. A very strong intuition.

A curse because sometimes all these emotions overwhelm me. I have all these emotions and don't know what to do with them. Especially in my relationship this can get tricky. I don't know if it belongs in the category of 'seperation anxiety'. I am just scared of being abandoned.  I have all this love in me and want to make the other person 200% happy so that I tend to put my personal happiness aside for them. This happened in my relationship with Redlef. I gave all that I had to give. And it backfired so hard, that it left a big hole in my heart. The worst heartbreak I ever experienced in my life. I was a pile of misery. Stayed at my grandma's for about 7 weeks because I could not bare going home and be alone at my appartment. I needed to be taken care of. To heal. I am forever grateful to my grandma for everything she has done for me. Not only these 7 weeks, but in general. She is a true inspiration for mankind. I fear the day that she will pass away, because I am afraid I will never get over it... See, getting emotional again here.

Anyway, back to the story.

I met Vittorio the end of July, about 4 months after Redlef started having his 'doubts' about our relationship and put it on hold. At the beginning of June I ended things with Redlef, simply because I could not go any further. I gave him 3 months to figure it out, and I was just done with it myself. I just wanted to be mentally stable again. At this point I was already staying at my grandma's. She dragged me through it. When I travelled to Italy, I was already gaining strength again.

But I did not expect to meet someone like Vittorio. It was not like being struck by lightening, but like meeting someone and you know something is about to happen. I had to get to know him, with every fibre in my body. Luckily he felt the same way. At first, we were both scared I think. We both just got out of a very intense relationship and were not sure if we were ready for something new already. Plus, there is the distance gap. Amsterdam is 2,5 hours away by car, and even almost 4h travel by train. Can we do this?

November 15 again I needed clearance. What was this that we had going on? We texted every day, all day long. We did not see or dated other people. He visited a couple times and let's say we did not only talk then if you know what I mean. Could we define it as a relationship? Just decide to go for it? Vittorio asked me why I had this need to 'label' it. I told him I needed something to hold on to. I was not looking for a fling or a friend-with-benefits. And again, after 4 months you must know what you want? We decided to set our 'official date' on this day. From now on, we were official. Yay!

Can we do this? After 9 months of which 5 official I can say: yes we can. Vittorio is an amazing person. He soothes my soul. He listens to me when I have my "overthinking" moments and start blurting out random thoughts and feelings. He doesn't leave me hanging there with them. I have this feeling of emotional security I have never felt before. For some magical reason, he loves me with all the scars I have. And what he doesn't realise is that he is the salve that eventually will make them fade away...

He made her smile again

I've been thinking a lot about my previous post. Meeting Vittorio changed my life, changed me as a person. Of course it is still too soon to tell for the long term, but I am amazed about how much I changed in less than a year. 

I did not expect to meet someone on this little holiday at all. I was there to leave the past behind and start fresh. I still remember the morning that I left for Italy, Redlef was at my front door with a huge bouquet of flowers and a 5 page letter pouring his heart out that I was the one for him. I brought the letter to Italy to let my aunt and uncle read it and we decided that Italy was the perfect time and place to "let go". Literally. We were at the Beer Fest somewhere on Friday night (the night of my arrival) and Ina let me take a scrap of paper and write "Redlef'" on it. Then she instructed me to say the words "okay Redlef, I am letting go of you here and now." and had me put the paper in a crack of the wooden table. So I did. And I felt relieved. Closure. Silly, actually, that this little action could mean so much. Thinking back at it today, it is funny and crazy at the same time that only 2 days later I started a new chapter in my life. Enter Vittorio.

We decided to meet again a couple of weeks after we both returned from Italy. I was pretty nervous about seeing him again. Would we click or would it be awkward? Would we have enough to talk about? Would something happen? Then an unexpected holiday to Fuerteventura came in between, so we had to postphone our "1st date". During the countdown we talked every day. We teased, flirted and got to know each other better. He started growing on me. What I liked about him was that he was a man of his word. He texted me every morning and every night before going to bed. No exceptions. 

About a month after meeting him for the 1st time, we met each other again. Vittorio would stay at my place for 4 days. We would go kajak, go to the movies, go to a swimming lake and so on. The morning of his arrival, I was up early at 8. He would rent a car around 9.30 and arrive in Hasselt by noon. He texted me saying that he had a small delay but would hurry up. Around noon I saw a little car with Holland plates driving up the parking lot. Oh god. Oh god. It's time. I could see him get out of the car, and trying to open the trunk (which he struggled with for 5 min) and then I could not wait any longer so I ran down the stairs. I opened the door with my heart beating in my chest and saw him walking towards me. With a calm pace and a little nervous smile on his face. "Ciao Principessa", he said, before planting his lips on mine...

An angel with repaired wings

"I've been thinking about changes, and who I was this time last year.
I know I was a lot more afraid, and I know I am not the same person anymore.
This time last year I was waiting for a call that I knew was never going to come. And now, I am making the call. I don't know exactly when I changed, or how, but I know at some point, between cutting my strings, escaping my cage and building my wings, I set myself free."

A lot has changed since last year. I am writing this in English now (the reason why will be revealed later on). After the break-up with Redlef I needed a break. Desperately. I was an enormous mess. I felt like an idiot for letting him fool me like that. Here I was, blogging about my anxiety disorder and writing that it was probably all just me and the monsters in my head. No, turns out that he WAS cheating and he did lie to me all this time. After everything came out, he tried to fix things with both Christine and me. Called me almost everyday, texted me, showed up at my door with a 5-page letter about how sorry he was... And did about the same thing with her, so I heard. I had to clear my head. Figure things out again.

So I went on a little 5-day holiday to my aunt, who lived in Italy since about a year. And boy, did that little journey change my life...

It was summer, it was the middle of a heat wave and it was a burning 40°. Sweat was dripping down my spine, and I was just sitting in the garden doing absolutely nothing. I need a pool. Or a cold shower. Anything that cools me down. It was Sunday, and it was my 2nd day in Italy. We just returned from a late lunch at "Larry's" and it was around 4 in the afternoon. My aunt, uncle, myself and a colleague of my uncle's decided to play some Kubb. A game like bowling, where you have to try to hit over blocks by throwing sticks at them. If was fun, we laughed a lot and Joao and I won the first game! We sat down for a little pause and a glass of beer/wine when my uncle got a call from another colleague of him to go and have a beer in town. My uncle declined and said that we were playing Kubb in the garden, but that the colleague was always welcome to join us. So after about 10 min, the other colleague came cycling up the driveway. In a yellow swimming short and a black t-shirt. Not bad, I thought. He got off his bike and approached us. He seemed about my age. He took off his sunglasses. Blue eyes. Little gasp for breath here. He smiled and introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Vittorio, nice to meet you". 

I think I was pretty much sold after that moment. Even though I was a 25 year-old woman at the time, I felt like a 14-year old teenager again with the hormones racing down my body. I tried to keep my cool and act normal, so no-one would notice I liked him. And have to say: he was acting a bit weird too. We played another game of Kubb and he joined my aunt and uncle's team. During the game, he did not say 1 word directly to me. Avoided eye-contact. I was beginning to think he liked me too.
My aunt (Ina) invited both colleagues to stay for dinner. Joao couldn't, but Vittorio said he was happy to stay. My heart made a little jump in my chest. 

Whilst preparing dinner, I told my aunt that I thought he was cute. She agreed, and said she would try to get as much information out of him as she could! Strange but true: I was too shy to do it myself. Stupid 14-year old teenager. So during dinner, my aunt started questioning him. Where he is from (Italy), where he lived now (Amsterdam), if he had a girlfriend (no). My heart jumped in my chest again.

The evening continued, my aunt managed to get some information out of him and I just got more and more interested in getting to know him. But I was only here for 3 full more days and the 4th I would leave. How would I do this... After he went home my aunt suggested to my uncle that he should invite Vittorio to the pool party on Tuesday night. And so he did.

Fast forward to Tuesday night, I am wearing a pretty dress and am tagging along to the pool party. I am so very nervous to see Vittorio again. Will we get to talk? Will it be fun? What should we talk about? We are at a table with another colleague and his family, waiting for Vittorio to show. We order drinks, we talk and laugh. We order a second round of drinks. Still no Vittorio. A 3rd, a 4th. Looks like he isn't going to show... And when the night came to an end, he didn't. I was so very disapointed. But ok, at least now I knew he was not interested in me.

The day after I found out that there had been a misunderstanding between my uncle and Vittorio. My uncle invited him to the pool party, but Vittorio was busy doing something else and did not fully understand that he just got invited to a party. Aaah! Ok, no problem. Tonight we would organise a 'goodbye' drink for me in the local pub and he was invited once again.

This time, he did show and boy did he look amazing... A nice red shirt, his hair nicely done with some gel. At first I didn't even recognize him when we bumped into him on the streets. He sat next to me at the table afterwards. It was an amazing evening. We were 7 people, and later that night even 8 when Marco joined. The day after, everyone except for Ina, Petra and me had to work, so around 1 am people started leaving. Ina and Gerben also got up to go home and Ina said to me: I'll leave the backdoor opened, but it's also ok if you decide not to come home *wink*. Errrr yeah, that was not the intention. So at this point it was just me, Vittorio and Marco. We ordered 1 more round. I had about 4 prosecco's by now and felt pretty tipsy. After the last one, it was already past 2 in the morning and the guys had to go home. I asked Vittorio if he could walk me home because I didn't know the way. 'Oh no problem, Marco said, I will drive you home". Oh no, I will be fine, I replied. But he insisted. Vittorio said he would join us to show the way. So they drove me home. Once arrived, Vittorio got out with me and walked me to the gate. I waited for something to happen, but it didn't. Because of the one too many drinks, I blurted out: how come you didn't make a move? Vittorio stood there and stammered: I'm sorry, I did not know what to do... We exchanged details, and I went to bed with a big smile... The morning after I saw that I had a message from him, apologizing for his 'social awareness of a rock' and if maybe we could start from where we left off once he was back in Amsterdam. 

To be continued...  ;-)