Gratitude.

It's sunday again, and after having a nice weekend with our Bulgarian friends Boni, I am sitting alone on the couch again.

My Principe is yet again in Italy for 5 days. The moment he had to leave our friends were still here, so the goodbye was not as intense as i'd like it to be, but ok.

I had some errands to run, like getting a new bike lock for Vittorio, and buy some cleaning stuff. Walking towards the bike shop, I texted Vittorio that beautiful days were just not that beautiful without him. 

After that, I went to Blokker to get the cleaning stuff. When I was walking around there, there was a dutch song playing on the radio that drew my attention. I never heard it before, but it was a woman singing that she loved it when here boyfriend left for a while because she loved missing him. 

I just googled it, and it's these lyrics:
http://www.songteksten.nl/songteksten/357948/claudia-de-breij/ik-mis-je-zo-graag.htm

"I love to miss you

it's ok when you go

because I love to miss you.

It's ok when you go,

because when you go,

I remember again how good it is

that you exist"

This song really turned my mood around again. Yes! That is the spirit. It's good that I miss him, because it makes me realise how good our relationship is and how happy he makes me.
I am grateful for everything he has brought into my life.
His positive energy, his can-do mentality, his neverending patience with my insecurity, the opportunity to travel a lot more, reading a lot more, enjoying a lot more.

Yesterday at brouwerij 't IJ he was running his fingers through my hair and carressing my neck and telling me every hour how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. How lucky he felt with me, how happy I make him. Ok he was tipsy, but I like to believe that this is when people speak the truth :-)

And now I'm sitting here on the couch, feeling nothing but extremely grateful to have found this amazing man. He is not only my lover, but also my best friend and my rock. 

It's funny, because when I go out now, of course I see goodlooking men. And I still get hit on quite often. But everytime I think: yeah, he's cute but he's not Vittorio. The packaging may look appealing but my man is the full package. The inside and outside is perfect for me. 

Gratitude. That is what I wanted to share today.

Are you there for me?

What is seperation anxiety?

It's an unrest, an overwhelming panic sometimes, that people experience everytime they have the feeling that the other is not or not enough there for them or when they think someone else is threatening their relationship. It has its roots very often already in childhood, where parents were too caring, protecting or pampering. This caused the children not to learn how to be emotionally independent and that it is perceived as something threatening. Or parents were not available or inconsistenly. Children then try to get the attention by acting anxious, clingly, pretending to be ill or incompetent; searching for a lot of physical proximity to get the attention of the parents. Loss experiences can also lead to separation anxiety attachment behavior: the premature death of father or mother, precarious or stressful life situations.

"I can't do this alone"
People with seperation anxiety often have a low self-esteem: they are convinced they can't make it alone, that they are lost without the other one. They are also convinced the other doesn't really value them, experiences them as weak and uninteresting, causing their fear to be abandoned to increase.

Never leave me
In love you have 2 types of anxious attached: those are scared of not getting enough love, attention and confirmation and those who are mainly scared of being left. The first don't fall in love easily - as they are insecure about their judging capacities and therefore of a life partner. They are looking for security, clarity and want it before they show their vulnerabilities.  The other has to make a great effort to convince them of their good intentions. Ironically, contrary to what they desire, they often find themselves to be "professional hunters": men or women who think the chase is better than the catch. Which naturally makes for what they wanted to avoid: open up to someone who then dumps them anyway.

The second group usually dives in fast - too fast. They feel butterflies in their stomach every 5 minutes - they are up for it immediately. They tend to get very personal very fast - showering the other party with attention and gifts. They won't let go of the other one anymore and will also insist on a future with two very soon.

The faces of separation anxiety
This anxiety has many facets. It's pretty much impossible to make a list of all appearances, but these are the most common:

• Is very admiring, confirming in the first contact and will devaluate herself
• Is dependant
• Chronically activated adhesive system causing them to feel often in a relationship like their needs are not being fulfilled.
• Looking for fusion, symbiosis in a relationship and for that reason are extremlely likely to adapt
• Have difficulties accepting differences in a relationship -they want the other person to be like themselves as much as possible
• Have difficulties ending a relationship, even if it's going really bad, just because they are scared of ending up alone.
• Often thinks the worst of situations
• Worries about relationships in general
• Often has the feeling of having no control over things
• Is often overwhelmed by the feeling of anxiety
• Provokes conflicts to get attention
• Can act very dominant to get controle over the relationship and the other
• Can be very attentive, loving and caring but also their they can be too intense.

Seperation anxiety is onfortunately without a remedy. It's a way of looking at yourself, the other and the relationship and experiencing this as "the truth", as how it is.

I did not write this article myself, I copied it from Rika Ponnet's blog (in dutch) because I recognise myself so deeply in the underlined things.

Unfortunately knowing this about myself doesn't mean I can turn it around. It's like the article says: in the moment itself it is my truth, how I perceive it to be. Give me time to cool down or calm me down by talking to me about it but don't tell me i'm imagining things or that it's not true. I won't believe you.

Thai Massages

On a good day, maybe I would be ok with it. Maybe.

But yesterday, I was really tired from the long trip, irritable from a short night and not a lot of sleep and I could not deal with it.

Let me explain:
I spent the weekend in Belgium to celebrate an old colleague's birthday and see some friends. For the first time, I would come back on Sunday by car. Saturday was Carnaval in my hometown, and my colleague wanted to go there to celebrate - so we did. It was so much fun, that I was only in bed at 4.30. The day after, I was up again at 9.

Around 16h, I started my journey by car to Amsterdam. It went pretty well - the road was easy but boring (all straight ahead). Some nice music on, sun on my head: I was happy. One hour later I was yawning like there was no tomorrow. I needed energy. Badly. So I stopped at the first gas station to get an energy drink and some bubblegum. After resting 10 min, I continued my trip. I arrived at Weesp around 18.45, took the train to Muiderpoort and then the tram home, Eventually I arrived at 20.05.

My lovely amore had prepared bruschetta's for us and some tapas for dinner. So sweet to have everything ready by the time I came home! He knew I was tired and probably starving. We catched up during dinner about our weekends and exchanged some kisses.

"I had a Thai massage"

- By who, when and why, I joked back.

"Yesterday, by Silvia" 

...

 My stomach started aching.

- Why?

"Because she told me she just got certified to give Thai Massages and I told her about my shoulder"

I can't recall the exact conversation, so I won't try to copy paste it here to avoid putting it wrong, It didn't last long because I got up from the table to cool off and unpack my bags in the meantime.

Vittorio came after me to talk about it. He gave me a guilty face and hit himself on the hand, but at that point I could not laugh at all. I shared with him so many times my insecurity about his ex, about their 10y history, everything they shared. And knowing my history, that I've been cheated on not once, but even twice and how bad it scarred me. It's not that I don't trust him, because I do. But I have every reason in the world not to trust an ex. And a massage? That's a pretty intimate thing to get from your ex.

I tried to explain to him why I'm not okay with this, but I'm not sure I was able to convey the message very well. To him it might seem like not a big deal at all.But to me, it feels like a form of disrespect towards me. If you know my past and how I feel about your ex - please consider what it will do to me if you tell me she gave you a massage.

"I had two options, to tell you or not and I chose to tell you"

This emphasises that he realised very well that I would not be happy to hear this at all.

I went to bed thinking about this and woke up thinking about it again.

On a good day, maybe I would be ok with it. Maybe. But not today.

Waves

Yesterday I was mean to him for no reason.

I came home from work really annoyed. I don't know why, nothing happened or anything. He texted me around 6 to let me know he would finish one call and then come home. At 6.30 he texted me he would leave in 5 min. Again this annoyed me. When he eventually came home, he was his nice and sweet self. He came to kiss me as usual and gave me a hug. I still could not let it go, During the day, I texted him "thank you for being you". He did not read the message, but was online at 16:09. I asked him what that was all about. He must've thought I had gone crazy. He wanted to finish a work mail and then would hear how my day went. After sending the work mail he said: ok, now a quick call to my parents and then I start to prepare dinner. Irritated I said: oh right, those are your priorities, right? Work, your parents, dinner and than me. Thanks. During dinner he got some messages from colleagues, and he replied to them, instead of making time for me. Fine, I said, I'll take my phone as well so we can both be anti-social.

After dinner, we wanted to watch an episode of Breaking Bad, but it seemed I was missing that one episode. So we logged in to Netflix to watch. Afterwards Vitto wanted to read, so I put on the movie P.S. I love you. And then the tears started to come. I just needed to get all these negative emotions out. I was done with feeling like that, but didn't know why. I hoped crying would help me to feel better. Luckily it did, weird as it might seem.

I lay awake quite a while last night thinking about the evening and why I acted like I did. The only thing I could come up with is that it's my insecurity acting up. On my best days, I am kind, loving, funny, happy. But something started feeding this negativity, and it probably was me. After Vittorio told me about his promotion, I was of course very happy for him, but also a bit worried. I liked the way our work/life balance was now. We came home at reasonable hours, had a lot of time together. The past weeks Vitto was in Italy quite a lot. I was doing fine, had no problem with him being abroad. Of course I missed him, but in general, I was fine. When he came back, I noticed the balance had shifted. Some things at his work caused him having to spend more time on it. Again a few hours of working on Saturday, on Sunday. Starting to make a few phone calls in the evening, Being dead tired already around 22h. Of course, he would still give me attention but I can see the fire in his eyes is becoming less.

He is worried, and that anxiety is projected on me. I am scared that his job will change our relationship. I know I am quite a needy person. And now, with the balance shifting, I become restless and asking for even more attention, knowing he is preoccupied at work and might not be able to give it. And as a reaction to that, I push him away or intentionally try to get an upset reaction from him to be able to say "See, I told you this would happen". But it's me who is provoking it. 

I don't know. These are all just theories, or random thoughts. I am just longing for spring, for summer, for sunshine, for warmth, Because I cannot seem to find it in myself at the moment...

Highschool sweethearts

Today at Kruidvat, I got a free magazine entitled "All you need is love". Apparently that is the title of a famous Dutch tv show. I went to a bar, ordered a drink and some fries and started reading. Of course, the main topic is Love. A lot of interviews with people, shared stories. Like this quote:

"We both have our own life experiences which makes that we both don't have the illusion that the perfect relationship exists or that you can change the other into your perfect image. So we accept each others differences and enjoy the being together."

Beautiful insight, right? Then I started reading another article, about first loves, and what makes them so special. Ha, I tought, this is why my parents got divorced. And I started reading. At the end of the article, however, my stomach was squeezed together. If you think that I have no more anxiety now that I am happy in love with Vittorio, you are wrong!

What caused this anxiety?

Quotes: You grow up together, go to college together, spend a lot of time together at each others place, you know the family and the parents - much better than you later will know parents-in-law because now you are basically already there after school. In short: you share an entire history. Also important with a first relationship: it is also your first break-up. If the first love remains something magic, also depends on how it ended. If there was a lot of pain caused by for example infidelity or an abrupt divorce, you are hurt very deeply into your sould and of course you long less for your first love. But if you decided to end it together, there is less pain and he/she can have a special place in your heart forever. 

As time moves on, and after some years of dissapointment in love, they come across each other again and realise they did not have it that bad after all. Maybe they had too high expectations at the time, or were too busy evolving that they lost each other in the process. But when they find each other again, they might realise: it was you all this time after all, you touch me the deepest, with you I can be myself.

All this followed by some succesful "finding each other again" stories. This scared me. Of course I know Vitto loves me and the past is in the past. For now. But what if in a few years we might be in a routine, or lose each other a bit. A history of 10 years, same nationalities, so many memories. I would be lying if I said I was not intimidated by this. I know I'm overthinking (again). And if it happens, than so be it and I should move on anyway. But it for sure bogs my mind now. Great - thanks a lot free magazine at Kruidvat.

Daddy Lessons

They say a woman looks for a man like her father.

How you were treated by your father as you were growing up helps shape your view of men in general and what you expect from them. It sets a standard. How so? Because it was the first feeling of love that you have ever had for a man.

If you were raised by a very caring dad who looked after you, took care of you and treated you like his little princess, you might now look for similar treatment from who you date. Simultaneously, if your dad was more cold and distant, worked a lot and was always too busy, that is also setting a standard — a standard that could influence who you date. You might also make a point of steering clear of those qualities you might not have liked in your father, but the fact remains, those qualities did or do influence you.

I thought about this today. In the past, or now in the present, did I fall for guys like my father? But that led me to another thought: I feel like I have had 3 father figures in my life: my biological father Danny, Philip and Walter.

When I was little, my father was away from home a lot. And when he was home, he often was drunk. He was not an alcoholic or anything, but he was still very young when he had my brother and me (24 & 25). Furthermore, he was in the army with all same-aged colleagues so they tended to have some looong evenings. It's not that I don't have good memories of my dad, because I do. I remember him being very caring for the family. Thoughtful towards my mother: always gifts for her birthday, Valentine's day, Mother's day. If we only gave a squeek that we needed something, he fixed it for us. If we went out for dinner, he always paid. Always. When it came to material stuff, we were well-provided. But he was never a great sharer of his emotions. From my childhood to my teenage years: I never had a talk about emotions with my father. I didn't miss it either, I talked to my mother about those things. Now after the divorce, weird enough, it is actually possible for us to talk about feelings and these things. I guess we both had to mature a bit :)
But what did I learn from my father: a man puts his family on the 1st place and takes care of them.

Then Philip. In my teenage years I spent a lot of time at his place, because I was close friends with his daughter. Together with Nele (another friend) we spend weeks and months at their place. It started around when I was around 15. Even though it was just 1 street away from home, I spent many nights there. Because it was cosy, fun and Philip was not like regular dads. He was adventurous, loving, caring and fun. With him I could talk about feelings, emotions, relationships and so on. I remember some nights in the weekend we stayed up until 2 AM, then felt like eating pancakes and started baking them. The next day; we felt like going kayaking, Philip took us there. One Christmas Day, Philip called me and asked if I felt like going to Paris. We threw a mattress and some blankets in the back of his truck and he drove to Paris while we could sleep in the back. When we woke up, we had breakfast on the Champs-Elysées. When I had boyfriend-problems when I was studying in Hasselt and didn't feel good, he drove to Hasselt to pick me up, took me home, talked with me and the next morning he would drive me to school in Hasselt again. The friendship with his daugter didn't last, but I'm still very close to Philip today. I was even his best woman when he got remarried a few years ago!
What I learned from Philip: sharing emotions for a man is not weird. I've seen Philip cry, upset, and he taught me it's ok. Also: the sometimes crazy impulsive ideas I will remember forever.

And then last but not least: Walter. He was actually more my "professional dad". When I started working at Fruitsnacks in 2013, he was my manager there. Very quickly, he took me under his wings. He took me to many client meetings right from the start and shared many insight information of his international career at a big international company. He was also never mad or upset with me. Never in 3 years he raised his voice to me. There were always solutions to problems. And even if I fucked up something, he would stick out his neck for me to the management. Also when my relationship with Redlef was going down the drain, he was so supportive. The days I was not ok mentally I was excused. He let me go home earlier a few times because I was a wreck. I also talked with him a lot about what was going on, and he gave me some great advice. Also professionally he helped me grow a lot and gain a lot of confidence. He is the type of manager every company needs. He knows how to guide a team and get them and the company somewhere. 
What I learned from him: he made me stronger and more self-confident in my job and as a person by building me up instead of criticizing me. 

So if I combine the 3 above here: A man should provide for his family, be able to talk about his emotions, be a bit impulsive, positive and not too criticizing.

I think those are good daddy lessons. And the great news? I think I found a man just like that in Vitto :-)

Perfect Strangers - i perfetti sconosciuti

Tonight we watched a movie together called "Perfect Strangers". Afterwards, we were both a bit blown away by it. We agreed it was the best movie we both had seen in months. Without wanting to give away too much, I will lift a tip of the veil and tell you what it is about:

3 married couples and 1 friend who just started dating someone get together for a dinner. One of the wives suggests it would be a nice game to put all the cellphones out on the open on the table. Every incoming text, call or e-mail is read and answered out loud. After all, they don't have secrets for each other, right?

Wrong. 

The movie put me to thinking. Do we all have our dirty little secrets? Things we prefer not to tell our partner? It can be the "smaller" things like seeing a therapist without your partner knowing. Or the biggest things, like screwing your partner's best friend. How well do we know each other really? And should our phone really be off-limits for our partners if we have nothing to hide?

I believe that in a healthy relationship both partners should be able to put their phones on the table every night, and whenever a phone receives a notification of something, both partners should be able to watch. No secrecy, no my-phone-my-privacy. In my opinion, a respectful relationship is all about transparency. It doesn't mean you should check your partner's phone every minute, but it's about knowing that you can. 

After all, there's nothing more scary than living with your partner for a while, and then discovering that you don't know that person so well after all...

If he/she is the one you want to spend your life with, you should also be sharing all of it. Not just parts you want them to see. Sure, after many years of marriage/relationship I can imagine there is a certain routine. Falling in love with someone else can happen, it only makes you mortal. The thing is: how do you respond to it? You don't. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, you should worry about fertilizing your own grass.

There is no excuse for sending naked/explicit pictures to a random person on Facebook, or having an affair with a colleague because it's so fresh and exciting. No excuse for getting sexy pictures from a sexy friend or ex. You are responsible for your own actions. Only you. The choice is yours: Full Transparancy or Perfetti Sconosciuti?