They say a woman looks for a man like her father.
How you were treated by your father as you were growing up helps shape your view of men in general and what you expect from them. It sets a standard. How so? Because it was the first feeling of love that you have ever had for a man.
If you were raised by a very caring dad who looked after you, took care of you and treated you like his little princess, you might now look for similar treatment from who you date. Simultaneously, if your dad was more cold and distant, worked a lot and was always too busy, that is also setting a standard — a standard that could influence who you date. You might also make a point of steering clear of those qualities you might not have liked in your father, but the fact remains, those qualities did or do influence you.
I thought about this today. In the past, or now in the present, did I fall for guys like my father? But that led me to another thought: I feel like I have had 3 father figures in my life: my biological father Danny, Philip and Walter.
When I was little, my father was away from home a lot. And when he was home, he often was drunk. He was not an alcoholic or anything, but he was still very young when he had my brother and me (24 & 25). Furthermore, he was in the army with all same-aged colleagues so they tended to have some looong evenings. It's not that I don't have good memories of my dad, because I do. I remember him being very caring for the family. Thoughtful towards my mother: always gifts for her birthday, Valentine's day, Mother's day. If we only gave a squeek that we needed something, he fixed it for us. If we went out for dinner, he always paid. Always. When it came to material stuff, we were well-provided. But he was never a great sharer of his emotions. From my childhood to my teenage years: I never had a talk about emotions with my father. I didn't miss it either, I talked to my mother about those things. Now after the divorce, weird enough, it is actually possible for us to talk about feelings and these things. I guess we both had to mature a bit :)
But what did I learn from my father: a man puts his family on the 1st place and takes care of them.
Then Philip. In my teenage years I spent a lot of time at his place, because I was close friends with his daughter. Together with Nele (another friend) we spend weeks and months at their place. It started around when I was around 15. Even though it was just 1 street away from home, I spent many nights there. Because it was cosy, fun and Philip was not like regular dads. He was adventurous, loving, caring and fun. With him I could talk about feelings, emotions, relationships and so on. I remember some nights in the weekend we stayed up until 2 AM, then felt like eating pancakes and started baking them. The next day; we felt like going kayaking, Philip took us there. One Christmas Day, Philip called me and asked if I felt like going to Paris. We threw a mattress and some blankets in the back of his truck and he drove to Paris while we could sleep in the back. When we woke up, we had breakfast on the Champs-Elysées. When I had boyfriend-problems when I was studying in Hasselt and didn't feel good, he drove to Hasselt to pick me up, took me home, talked with me and the next morning he would drive me to school in Hasselt again. The friendship with his daugter didn't last, but I'm still very close to Philip today. I was even his best woman when he got remarried a few years ago!
What I learned from Philip: sharing emotions for a man is not weird. I've seen Philip cry, upset, and he taught me it's ok. Also: the sometimes crazy impulsive ideas I will remember forever.
And then last but not least: Walter. He was actually more my "professional dad". When I started working at Fruitsnacks in 2013, he was my manager there. Very quickly, he took me under his wings. He took me to many client meetings right from the start and shared many insight information of his international career at a big international company. He was also never mad or upset with me. Never in 3 years he raised his voice to me. There were always solutions to problems. And even if I fucked up something, he would stick out his neck for me to the management. Also when my relationship with Redlef was going down the drain, he was so supportive. The days I was not ok mentally I was excused. He let me go home earlier a few times because I was a wreck. I also talked with him a lot about what was going on, and he gave me some great advice. Also professionally he helped me grow a lot and gain a lot of confidence. He is the type of manager every company needs. He knows how to guide a team and get them and the company somewhere.
What I learned from him: he made me stronger and more self-confident in my job and as a person by building me up instead of criticizing me.
So if I combine the 3 above here: A man should provide for his family, be able to talk about his emotions, be a bit impulsive, positive and not too criticizing.
I think those are good daddy lessons. And the great news? I think I found a man just like that in Vitto :-)
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Monday, February 13, 2017
Perfect Strangers - i perfetti sconosciuti
Tonight we watched a movie together called "Perfect Strangers". Afterwards, we were both a bit blown away by it. We agreed it was the best movie we both had seen in months. Without wanting to give away too much, I will lift a tip of the veil and tell you what it is about:
3 married couples and 1 friend who just started dating someone get together for a dinner. One of the wives suggests it would be a nice game to put all the cellphones out on the open on the table. Every incoming text, call or e-mail is read and answered out loud. After all, they don't have secrets for each other, right?
Wrong.
The movie put me to thinking. Do we all have our dirty little secrets? Things we prefer not to tell our partner? It can be the "smaller" things like seeing a therapist without your partner knowing. Or the biggest things, like screwing your partner's best friend. How well do we know each other really? And should our phone really be off-limits for our partners if we have nothing to hide?
I believe that in a healthy relationship both partners should be able to put their phones on the table every night, and whenever a phone receives a notification of something, both partners should be able to watch. No secrecy, no my-phone-my-privacy. In my opinion, a respectful relationship is all about transparency. It doesn't mean you should check your partner's phone every minute, but it's about knowing that you can.
After all, there's nothing more scary than living with your partner for a while, and then discovering that you don't know that person so well after all...
If he/she is the one you want to spend your life with, you should also be sharing all of it. Not just parts you want them to see. Sure, after many years of marriage/relationship I can imagine there is a certain routine. Falling in love with someone else can happen, it only makes you mortal. The thing is: how do you respond to it? You don't. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, you should worry about fertilizing your own grass.
There is no excuse for sending naked/explicit pictures to a random person on Facebook, or having an affair with a colleague because it's so fresh and exciting. No excuse for getting sexy pictures from a sexy friend or ex. You are responsible for your own actions. Only you. The choice is yours: Full Transparancy or Perfetti Sconosciuti?
3 married couples and 1 friend who just started dating someone get together for a dinner. One of the wives suggests it would be a nice game to put all the cellphones out on the open on the table. Every incoming text, call or e-mail is read and answered out loud. After all, they don't have secrets for each other, right?
Wrong.
The movie put me to thinking. Do we all have our dirty little secrets? Things we prefer not to tell our partner? It can be the "smaller" things like seeing a therapist without your partner knowing. Or the biggest things, like screwing your partner's best friend. How well do we know each other really? And should our phone really be off-limits for our partners if we have nothing to hide?
I believe that in a healthy relationship both partners should be able to put their phones on the table every night, and whenever a phone receives a notification of something, both partners should be able to watch. No secrecy, no my-phone-my-privacy. In my opinion, a respectful relationship is all about transparency. It doesn't mean you should check your partner's phone every minute, but it's about knowing that you can.
After all, there's nothing more scary than living with your partner for a while, and then discovering that you don't know that person so well after all...
If he/she is the one you want to spend your life with, you should also be sharing all of it. Not just parts you want them to see. Sure, after many years of marriage/relationship I can imagine there is a certain routine. Falling in love with someone else can happen, it only makes you mortal. The thing is: how do you respond to it? You don't. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, you should worry about fertilizing your own grass.
There is no excuse for sending naked/explicit pictures to a random person on Facebook, or having an affair with a colleague because it's so fresh and exciting. No excuse for getting sexy pictures from a sexy friend or ex. You are responsible for your own actions. Only you. The choice is yours: Full Transparancy or Perfetti Sconosciuti?
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Book writing - Growing
Sunday evening. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room. My living room. It's still so surreal. I know I don't actually own anything here. But I feel so grateful. It feels like this is right where I am supposed to be.
"Amore
Croatia 25th-28th may?
With Alex and Co?
There is a festival as far as I understood"
"Nice, sure!
How much is it?"
"Don't worry about that, it is from Sara and the new guy money
Love you <3"
"BTW I booked something for San Valentine X <3 "
Is this all really happening? I am with this amazing man who takes such good care of me. We are a good couple. I feel we have something strong and solid here. He took the time to read my book. Page per page. Also the pages that were smeared by my tears. Up until the day we met. And now, he is part of every new chapter. The pages that are still unwritten, we will write together.
Sometimes when we lie in bed together and he is still reading a book, I just stare at him. I stare as my heart fills with so much love and I can't help but think how much I love him. And that's quite remarkable. Flashback:
I still remember when we were just together how fragile, scared and insecure I was. Scared of being hurt again. Of being used, just for fun. Nothing serious. I was very anxious and had very little trust in him. Somewhere in my mind, there was a voice that kept telling me to be careful. Not to get too attached because I might get disposed once again. We had fun together, it felt comfortable, he seemed sincere. But I was cautious.
He stayed consistent. We got together officially in november. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, texting me goodmorning every day and goodnight every evening. He bought a new iPad and immediately the first time he brought it to my place, he put my fingerprints in the system so I had access at all times. Same for his new iPhone. Until today, he still doesn't realise the impact of this.
When he was taking a shower at my appartment and left his phone behind, like a maniac I would go through all his messages, only to discover he was completely in love with me and had nothing to hide. I felt ashamed afterwards of doing it, but also relieved that there was no hurt, no dissapointment, no cheating. After a few times, there would be one time I thought "yeah never mind, he has nothing to hide anyway". And then 2 times in a row. I'm not saying I completely stopped checking on him - but the fear is slowly fading away and the trust is growing. He gave me this huge amount of trust of letting me into his life and personal messages. Messages I had no business with, but he knew and knows how important this is to me.
I also tell him when I checked his phone again. He doesn't care, or at least doesn't tell me if it bothers him. But I feel confident knowing that there will be a day that I will no longer check his phone. I will have beaten this fear, this anxiety. And that again, will be a next chapter in my book of life with him.
Xoxo
Claudia
"Amore
Croatia 25th-28th may?
With Alex and Co?
There is a festival as far as I understood"
"Nice, sure!
How much is it?"
"Don't worry about that, it is from Sara and the new guy money
Love you <3"
"BTW I booked something for San Valentine X <3 "
Is this all really happening? I am with this amazing man who takes such good care of me. We are a good couple. I feel we have something strong and solid here. He took the time to read my book. Page per page. Also the pages that were smeared by my tears. Up until the day we met. And now, he is part of every new chapter. The pages that are still unwritten, we will write together.
Sometimes when we lie in bed together and he is still reading a book, I just stare at him. I stare as my heart fills with so much love and I can't help but think how much I love him. And that's quite remarkable. Flashback:
I still remember when we were just together how fragile, scared and insecure I was. Scared of being hurt again. Of being used, just for fun. Nothing serious. I was very anxious and had very little trust in him. Somewhere in my mind, there was a voice that kept telling me to be careful. Not to get too attached because I might get disposed once again. We had fun together, it felt comfortable, he seemed sincere. But I was cautious.
He stayed consistent. We got together officially in november. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, texting me goodmorning every day and goodnight every evening. He bought a new iPad and immediately the first time he brought it to my place, he put my fingerprints in the system so I had access at all times. Same for his new iPhone. Until today, he still doesn't realise the impact of this.
When he was taking a shower at my appartment and left his phone behind, like a maniac I would go through all his messages, only to discover he was completely in love with me and had nothing to hide. I felt ashamed afterwards of doing it, but also relieved that there was no hurt, no dissapointment, no cheating. After a few times, there would be one time I thought "yeah never mind, he has nothing to hide anyway". And then 2 times in a row. I'm not saying I completely stopped checking on him - but the fear is slowly fading away and the trust is growing. He gave me this huge amount of trust of letting me into his life and personal messages. Messages I had no business with, but he knew and knows how important this is to me.
I also tell him when I checked his phone again. He doesn't care, or at least doesn't tell me if it bothers him. But I feel confident knowing that there will be a day that I will no longer check his phone. I will have beaten this fear, this anxiety. And that again, will be a next chapter in my book of life with him.
Xoxo
Claudia
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Take the leap of faith
Sometimes, when I am walking the streets of Amsterdam here, I can still not comprehend that I actually did this. Me, the girl that lived and grew up in a tiny village of about 600 people, now lives in a world city of almost 800.000. Crazy. But I did it. I took the leap of faith.
Vitto and me had just met each other a year ago when I applied for a job here. A few months later I moved in with him. 4 months later, here we are.
It feels like my life has just fully started now. A few years ago, I felt like I was just doing something. I had my first job, then my second. I learned a lot, but it did not feel like I could fully develop there.
I had relationships, also sometimes whilst already knowing they were going nowhere. After my heartbreak with Redlef, it was never my plan to dive into a new relationship so fast. I was sceptic, my family was sceptic. But there he was, all of a sudden in my life: Vittorio.
Maybe it was too soon. But it also felt like something I could not let slip. So I didn't. I went 200% for this new relationship. And I can tell you: I am happier than I have ever been in my life. So please, take the leap of faith when you feel it is too precious to let go of.
And let me finish by just showing you some pictures of where I am today:
Vitto and me had just met each other a year ago when I applied for a job here. A few months later I moved in with him. 4 months later, here we are.
It feels like my life has just fully started now. A few years ago, I felt like I was just doing something. I had my first job, then my second. I learned a lot, but it did not feel like I could fully develop there.
I had relationships, also sometimes whilst already knowing they were going nowhere. After my heartbreak with Redlef, it was never my plan to dive into a new relationship so fast. I was sceptic, my family was sceptic. But there he was, all of a sudden in my life: Vittorio.
Maybe it was too soon. But it also felt like something I could not let slip. So I didn't. I went 200% for this new relationship. And I can tell you: I am happier than I have ever been in my life. So please, take the leap of faith when you feel it is too precious to let go of.
And let me finish by just showing you some pictures of where I am today:
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Separation anxiety relapse
"Ciao amore, see you in one week". As he turned around and walked away - without even giving me one last kiss by the way - I felt my stomach shrink. Please don't go...
The idea of being entirely alone tomorrow made me feel so anxious again. Of course I know it is just one week. Before we did not see each other for 3-4 weeks. But now it is different. We live together, we are used to being together a lot. Vittorio is my home, my safe haven. Our life together is my happy place.
I am a strong woman, I've been through a lot in life. But the anxiousness and not feeling safe thing has always been the red wire throughout my life. When my parents divorced and the house I grew up in was sold and I had to move, I did it without blinking my eyes. After all, a house is not a home if your loved ones are not there. It is just a pile of bricks. The people who you share it with, they are your home. As much as I enjoy living in Amsterdam, in this beautiful appartment I could never afford on my own, it doesn't bring me joy to be here alone. Of course, I can enjoy a few hours of me-time. But being alone in a strange city, with my friends and family more than 3 hours away and my safe haven even more, I feel very small.
I decided to make a plan. With a goal in mind, it is so much easier to get through the week. Today I will go into the city and see if I can find a new floor mat to put in the kitchen. The bamboo mats have become ripped anyway. Tomorrow, when Sara is gone, I will start cleaning the appartment. Vacuuming, arranging stuff, maybe take the blue plastic boxes back to Albert Heijn so that's cleared. Do some laundry, dye our pillows because I ruined them with my facial cream. Ok, sounds like a good plan to make it through the weekend. Oh and what will I eat tonight? I will think about it when I am walking. Let's go!
2 hours and 100 euro lighter, I arrived home. Without floor mat. But with a new pair of boots, 4 new red placemats for the kitchen (the old ones are also worn out), laundry detergent and softerener and make-up cleanser and cotton pads. Right. I dropped of the stuff and decided to go to Albert Heijn, because I made up my mind about dinner. It would be spare-ribs with a honey glaze joined by a salad with tomatoes, corn and avocado. Perfect. Combined with watching Grey's Anatomy.
And so, my saturday has passed. I walked 5 kilometers, did my 10.000 steps, did not eat too unhealhty and did not feel too sad. But boy, will I be happy when my man walks through that door again...
The idea of being entirely alone tomorrow made me feel so anxious again. Of course I know it is just one week. Before we did not see each other for 3-4 weeks. But now it is different. We live together, we are used to being together a lot. Vittorio is my home, my safe haven. Our life together is my happy place.
I am a strong woman, I've been through a lot in life. But the anxiousness and not feeling safe thing has always been the red wire throughout my life. When my parents divorced and the house I grew up in was sold and I had to move, I did it without blinking my eyes. After all, a house is not a home if your loved ones are not there. It is just a pile of bricks. The people who you share it with, they are your home. As much as I enjoy living in Amsterdam, in this beautiful appartment I could never afford on my own, it doesn't bring me joy to be here alone. Of course, I can enjoy a few hours of me-time. But being alone in a strange city, with my friends and family more than 3 hours away and my safe haven even more, I feel very small.
I decided to make a plan. With a goal in mind, it is so much easier to get through the week. Today I will go into the city and see if I can find a new floor mat to put in the kitchen. The bamboo mats have become ripped anyway. Tomorrow, when Sara is gone, I will start cleaning the appartment. Vacuuming, arranging stuff, maybe take the blue plastic boxes back to Albert Heijn so that's cleared. Do some laundry, dye our pillows because I ruined them with my facial cream. Ok, sounds like a good plan to make it through the weekend. Oh and what will I eat tonight? I will think about it when I am walking. Let's go!
2 hours and 100 euro lighter, I arrived home. Without floor mat. But with a new pair of boots, 4 new red placemats for the kitchen (the old ones are also worn out), laundry detergent and softerener and make-up cleanser and cotton pads. Right. I dropped of the stuff and decided to go to Albert Heijn, because I made up my mind about dinner. It would be spare-ribs with a honey glaze joined by a salad with tomatoes, corn and avocado. Perfect. Combined with watching Grey's Anatomy.
And so, my saturday has passed. I walked 5 kilometers, did my 10.000 steps, did not eat too unhealhty and did not feel too sad. But boy, will I be happy when my man walks through that door again...
Monday, January 9, 2017
3 month milestone
In 2 days I will be living and working in Amsterdam for 3 months. 3 months already! Isn't it unbelievable how time flies? Although I have to confess that it feels like much longer that I've lived here. Reading some previous posts of mine about my fear to move here feel so surreal now. The truth is, I fell in love with Amsterdam. Like a fish in the sea, I feel so comfortable here!
The new job is still going very well - I am learning something new every day and have a lot of cool colleagues who are there to help if you need them. I am happy I took the leap of faith.
As for Vittorio, I am even more happy I did this. Our relationship has grown so much since! Every day the scared, insecure inner child is soothed and therefore is less and less present. I feel loved, cherished, appreciated, respected and so much more. Of course I still have my attention-craving moments ;-)
I like it how we have developed our own 'language' towards each other. I understand his rhythm better. Also thanks to a few books (the perfect woman is a bitch / men are from mars and women from venus). The first one taught me to be less soft and subservient and speak up more. The second one taught me better the differences between men and women. When Vitto comes home, he wants to entwine and destress from the day by playing tanks on his iPad. Us, women, we want to talk about the day in order to entwine and destress. It is good to understand we are different and we have different ways of coping with situations and things. It really helps me in this relationship.
The past holidays I met his parents by the way! We spent Christmas in the mountains (San Vigilio) and New Year's at his place (Valdagno). His parents were super nice to me and I think they like me as well. Grateful to be a bit more part of his life now :-) Another milestone!
Anyway, this is just a short update about my life :) No big lessons today!
Claudia
The new job is still going very well - I am learning something new every day and have a lot of cool colleagues who are there to help if you need them. I am happy I took the leap of faith.
As for Vittorio, I am even more happy I did this. Our relationship has grown so much since! Every day the scared, insecure inner child is soothed and therefore is less and less present. I feel loved, cherished, appreciated, respected and so much more. Of course I still have my attention-craving moments ;-)
I like it how we have developed our own 'language' towards each other. I understand his rhythm better. Also thanks to a few books (the perfect woman is a bitch / men are from mars and women from venus). The first one taught me to be less soft and subservient and speak up more. The second one taught me better the differences between men and women. When Vitto comes home, he wants to entwine and destress from the day by playing tanks on his iPad. Us, women, we want to talk about the day in order to entwine and destress. It is good to understand we are different and we have different ways of coping with situations and things. It really helps me in this relationship.
The past holidays I met his parents by the way! We spent Christmas in the mountains (San Vigilio) and New Year's at his place (Valdagno). His parents were super nice to me and I think they like me as well. Grateful to be a bit more part of his life now :-) Another milestone!
Anyway, this is just a short update about my life :) No big lessons today!
Claudia
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Standing tall
Watching Grey's Anatomy is making me a wreck. I seriously cry like a baby when watching some of the episodes. But I also think about a lot of the quotes that are being used in there. I am now at season 5 and Dr. Callie Torres was talking about her past relationships and what they did to her as a person.
She used to walk around tall at the hospital floor. Then came George and he took off an inch. Erica shaved off a few more. The humiliation makes you shorter. She is scared of another personal failure, because it would cut her off at the knees.
This put me to thinking about my past relationships. A lot of them also cut off a few inches.
My first serious relationship I was 16 and my boyfriend 21. His mother did not approve of the relationship (I can't really blame her). We split up after a year, also because of the pressure of the family and the secrecy. After that, I got together with a guy who lived at the other side of the country. After a year I found out he used every opportunity he got to cheat on me. Bam, an inch. A few years later and fast-forward to 3,5 years ago I was with someone who constantly put me down. The mental damage here was enorm. Bam, another inch. and then came Redlef, who definitely took off 2 inches. I have never felt so small in my life.
Fast forward to today: I am standing taller than ever, walking around proudly and self-confident. I have a man that loves me, supports me and is there to catch me when I fall. Because that is what love does: it builds you up. Don't be afraid to lose an inch again. Take the leap of faith. You might grow taller than you ever were.
She used to walk around tall at the hospital floor. Then came George and he took off an inch. Erica shaved off a few more. The humiliation makes you shorter. She is scared of another personal failure, because it would cut her off at the knees.
This put me to thinking about my past relationships. A lot of them also cut off a few inches.
My first serious relationship I was 16 and my boyfriend 21. His mother did not approve of the relationship (I can't really blame her). We split up after a year, also because of the pressure of the family and the secrecy. After that, I got together with a guy who lived at the other side of the country. After a year I found out he used every opportunity he got to cheat on me. Bam, an inch. A few years later and fast-forward to 3,5 years ago I was with someone who constantly put me down. The mental damage here was enorm. Bam, another inch. and then came Redlef, who definitely took off 2 inches. I have never felt so small in my life.
Fast forward to today: I am standing taller than ever, walking around proudly and self-confident. I have a man that loves me, supports me and is there to catch me when I fall. Because that is what love does: it builds you up. Don't be afraid to lose an inch again. Take the leap of faith. You might grow taller than you ever were.
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